Enough

It's easy to be frustrated and discouraged here. 

Or anywhere really. 

But all the little things will eventually add up and sometimes you just want to throw up your hands walk to the corner and sit with your arms over your head and your knees to your chest pretending that nothing exists, that children are not running wild and that people are not waiting on you to bring order to the caos that swirling around you since you are in fact, the teacher.

A lot has happened in the past month leading up to and during the past weeks of English camp. Both good and bad things. I had some hard personal struggles and heartaches and was hit really hard with some family news. Plus my ever present Chikungunya. And though I didn't realize it slowly I was picking up "rocks" and adding them to the basket I'd strapped over my shoulders and it was becoming heavier and heavier with every restless night and every rock not handed into God's caring hands. 

I'm not a muscular person. Our great big night guard has even given me the nickname of little mosquito because I can punch him as hard as I can an he "doesn't notice" all this to say, the weight I was carrying began to be to much and the day came when I was scrambling picking up all the rocks that Satan was pelting at me and I broke under the weight I'd placed on myself. 

It wasn't pretty. Words flew like fists from my mouth, anger rattled my bones and I fell in the Haitian dust and dirt.

But God.

Pause for a moment; I love that so much, it sums up our God so well in just two little words: but God.

But God did not leave me there; mind spinning, heart aching, cheeks burning with shame, eyes watering I stumbled my way back to the house where God placed exactly who I needed in my path. Seeing her I began to put my walls back up and tried to be strong; but God knew what I needed and He tore down the wall I tried to build and I fell into her embrace a complete wreck.

We were in the last classes of camp and she could have easily told me to go lay down or wash my face or any number of things and waited until after camp had finished. But she took the time to hold me as my shame and frustration poured out in a flood of salt and when it was time to talk she spoke only truth and love to me. Pointing out things I thought had gone unnoticed and thanking me for all my work.

I've never felt like I'm enough, 

Enough of anything really. 

Or enough to make anyone happy or proud of me. I could always do or be better or do or be more never truly satisfied or happy with myself I created a pit and an easy target for the devil to push and pull me with. 

Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, so that no one can boast"

I don't know how many times I have heard this Bible verse, or how many times I've been told that it is NOT works that "get you into heaven" and yet I work as if my salvation depends on it instead of working solely for God's glory and His kingdom. I work myself until I physically cannot work any longer, worrying the whole time whether or not its going to be enough.

I'm not perfect

I stumble fall, cry and fail as much as the next person. But I have this eternal hope and I have a God that says I am enough for Him and He wants to be with me for all eternity. And so dear reader I encourage you to take time, to rest in His loving arms, grace is an unmerited favor, let Him work through you instead of you working and worrying yourself into a frenzy. God delights in You and He isn't watching you and keeping score. 

He loves you and you're enough for Him

Pour out Love

"OK, OK?" I shouted for the hundredth time in one class period, 42 little boys shouted "OK!" back but before my translator or I could get a word in there was shouting and talking from every corner of the carport where we were doing younger P.E. Their little voices all talking created a roar to match those that cheer throughout Port-au-Prince whenever Brazil scores. The sun was hot and I wiped my sweaty brow as I turned to God for help. Deep breath in, deep breath out. A cool breeze began to wrap itself around me and I knew He stood beside me.

My hands met in a loud clap as I repeated the same phrase we use to get the children's attention "OK, OK?" I yelled louder than I thought I could "OK!" they shouted back, I repeated this for a few minutes until I had all of their attention "SILENCE, SI. VOU. PLAIS!" (Silence please) and to my surprise it became almost quiet, but it was enough. I began explaining a game that we were going to play using brightly colored balls and teams. Pulling out the balls caught all of their attention. My translator explained that we would be picking 8 boys at a time and silence fell as they all did their utmost best to remain quiet while we pulled the first 8.

I'd been watching four boys that I did preschool with for the past 6 months and was so proud as I found them to be the nicest and most obedient. I pulled them and 4 other boys that hadn't been causing to much trouble to the front and be began playing Down, Down, Down where they pass the ball back and forth and if you drop it you have to drop to a knee, drop it again and it's two knees until you're playing with only one hand. The boys cheered for their teams and I watched as smiles broke out on their sweaty faces and laughter as people dropped the ball and had to drop lower then their partner.

Throughout the class period words like: love, encourage, engage, cheer just kept running through my head and so I did my best to just pour all these things out. Cheering and shouting, getting the boys to encourage their partners and throw the ball further. A couple little fights broke out that I had to reprove and there was one little boy in particular that just blatantly refused to obey and wasn't allowed to participate; which is never fun.

I won't lie; when their class was up a wave of relief hit me I called them to me, thanking them for listening and working hard together and asking them to be good in their next class. To my surprise I received several, high fives, hugs and thank yous from their little crowd as they filed out the gate. I always feel like a horrible person when I yell or punish someone, I'm a people pleaser and it never ceases to amaze me how these beautiful Haitian children react and give back in love. At the meeting with all the teachers, staff, interns and translators after camp we all lifted the group up to God asking for wisdom and obedience.

The next morning I felt God pushing me find the little boy that had caused so many problems the previous day. I found him in his faded blue shirt just finishing breakfast and sitting a little to close to the pool. I called his named and scooped him up in a hug, he clung to me so tightly it reminding me of when my youngest brother would hug me before and after I came home from work, like he'd never let me go. "Oh buddy" my heart was stolen away in that moment, along with my breath. And when I got it back I began to talk to him about how much Jesus and I love him and want him to obey and what a good boy I know he could be. He didn't say a word but nestled his shaved head deeper into my neck. "You're going to be a good boy today, right?" I finally asked, his deep little voice responded and I gave him a final squeeze before placing him back in his spot and kissing his sweaty brow.

I began to walk back to my place, giving high fives and shouting "Bonjour" to the rest of his group and telling them "No problems today" in a teasing way. I didn't know if that would make a difference but I felt a peace and a little bit of excitement about it as the morning assembly began and classes were dismissed.

I waited anxiously for orange group. And when they came through the gate in a perfect line repeating what their Jr. Counselor was calling out instead of talking among themselves I couldn't help but smile and tell them all good job. All of them turned to me with shining faces giving me high fives or jumping out of line really fast to give me a hug. They went above and beyond my expectations and the class period flew by a lot faster than I wanted it to.

Meeting that day was praise and excitement about orange group. Everyone had seen the need and poured love and we were not disappointed with the reaction.

Serving anywhere in the world as a Christian we are called to love. Sounds very simple and easy; but there is a lot of meaning in that word and honestly I don't think we will ever fully understand it's meaning while we are here on this earth. But here are some thoughts:

Love:
Goes above and beyond what people expect
Patiently waits
Cleans dirty hands
Is kind when others behave or speak badly
Dances when it can't walk
Does not envy what other people have or receive
Lifts people up
Smiles when its heart is breaking
Forgives and forgets
Cheers when its voice is almost gone
Makes room when there is none
Listens
Gives people opportunities to grow
Kisses sweaty brows
Disciplines justly
Puts others before oneself
Speaks truth
Ties shoes
Is humble
Walks several miles for a loved one
Prays when words and actions seem to fail
Steps back when needed

Pour out love and wait for God to work. You won't be disappointed

First Week in a Nutshell

The first week of English Camp has come and gone and what a week it was!

This first week we had a team of 13 come from New Mexico! They were such a blessing, they all came with hearts ready to serve and hands willing to do whatever was necessary to help out. Whether it was: fixing toilets,working in a hot kitchen or teaching classes they showed up with a smile and whatever tools they needed, such a blessing.

At 8:30 every morning roughly 400 children came through our gate, formed a line, received hand sanitizer as they walked across the yard to the second gate where they're given a banana, water bag and hard boiled egg for breakfast. They are then separated by age into 8 different colored groups around the pool with boys on one side and girls on the other. Ages range from 5-14 and each child is given a bracelet with their name and the color of their group. Once everyone's seated Andrew leads everyone in exercises, songs, the Bible verse for the day and then we act out the Bible story for the day. What this consists of is interns and team members volunteering the night before, being told what the story is and then acting it out as Andrew tells it the next morning having wrapped themselves in huge pieces of colored cloth and not really knowing what Andrew will have them do. It's been a lot of fun and we've had some pretty hysterical impromptu acting. Once the Bible story is finished we review the Bible verse again, announcements are given and then the quietest groups are dismissed to their first class.

There are four classes that the children rotate throughout the day: Bible, Science, English and P.E and those are also split into classes for the younger and older students.

Andrew, had assigned all the interns places before the team arrived. Some of us as teachers and others as group leaders. There are 10 interns all together, including Andrew, all from different part of the States. I had put the P.E curriculum together the week before camp and got to be in charge of younger P.E which I was SO excited for because I knew some of my preschoolers would be in those groups and after not seeing them for what seemed like forever, my heart was beginning to ache to wrap them in my arms again and see how they were doing.

As my first group came of little girls ages 5-7 my heart lept as I recognized sweet little faces and they ran into my arms. Ah, bliss. We started by playing a name game where a ball is passed around and whoever catches is has to do a little dance or make a funny face and say their name, everyone repeats their action and their name and it worked for the most part. However; most of the names I could not pronounce and interestingly enough hearing 40 children's names once one right after the other doesn't really help them stick in your head. But we had fun nonetheless. Afterwards we played Duck Duck Goose, interesting fact you might not know about Ayiti is that; it's dusty.

No seriously. It's REALLY dusty. And the layers of dirt and dust on the concrete make it as slippery as ice sometimes and running around a circle doesn't help. So with the next group, boys 8-9, I had them sit in a circle and when they chose someone to be goose both had to run and touch the wall and on the way back the person could try and tag them; took a couple tries but they got it and had an absolute blast with it!

After the first 2 classes lunch is served to the younger classes around the pool while the older classes do crafts. Lunch is a banana, mangoes and then depending on the day; hotdogs, peanut butter and honey sandwhiches,spaghetti or egg sandwiches with a glass of ice cold kool-aid.

Groups are switched and once everyone's finished it's back to class.

After the last two classes finish the kids assemble around the pool, announcements and points are giving out to each of the teams before the children are then dismissed for the rest of the day. Points are given by teachers and group leaders; at the end of the week the group with the most points wins a pool party!

So there you have it. English Camp in a nutshell. More stories and photos to come!