Missing a Teammate

Some people say that grief is like a rollercoaster and I get it, the ups and downs, twists and turns yes, very clever. However, I love rollercoasters but, I'm not loving... this.

I would say it's more like you've gone for a walk in the dead of winter, everything around you reminds you of the loss in your life: the leafless trees, the cold, the hard ground, brown grass, frozen streams and on and on. You keep walking because moving is the only thing keeping you sane, you round the bend thinking that you're going to be "ok", the worst it behind you and than BAM out of nowhere an icy breeze smacks you in the face, burning your lungs as you inhale, stinging your eyes and making your nose run. You run to the next bend which is more sheltered and continuing walking, thus, the cycle continues.
I'm reminded daily that my father is no longer on this earth; some days I find joy knowing that I had a good father, remembering all the good times and being thankful. It's not too bad, I'm moving forward... but then something hits deep, like that icy breeze, out of nowhere and I find myself crying, a deep, ugly, groaning cry whether I'm laying in bed, driving, listening to a song, talking to someone... it doesn't care. It hits and I feel like my world is falling apart all over again.

Last night was one of those times.

I'm a week away from flying back to Haiti, it's been a crazy and emotional month with; the first holiday without dad, gathering shoeboxes, checks for uniforms, figuring out baggage and just all the craziness of life I haven't really stopped moving and if I do stop it's to pass out on the couch or try and get lost in book or movie, not wanting to think or cry. But last night I had a little freak out about the trip and whether we were going to have enough large suitcases, if all the shoeboxes are going to make it, what if one get's stolen... I was spiraling and stressing out really for no reason - don't bottle up your emotions kids it's not healthy and get's confusing.

After talking to Jared and trying to just put everything aside by going to bed I knelt by my bed to pray - I don't normally do this but I found myself there. I didn't get very far in my prayer "Father God" was all it took to send me into sobs, "Father" I don't get to call someone walking through the door that or someone making pancakes in the kitchen, I don't have that "word" here on earth anymore. Yes, I know I'll see him again, yes he's gone but not really gone, yes. Please spare these comments. I KNOW all of this but it's one of those head and heart things, I know in my heart this is all true and in my heart I feel like I have come to grips with this but my head doesn't always remember that and my brain flips out.

As I sat sobbing on the floor by my bed I realized that I wasn't really stressed or upset about all these other things that I've been blaming... I was upset because my father was supposed to go to Haiti with me. I wanted 8 people to come on the trip and got really mad when there were only 7 and I just figured out why... his seat is still empty, that void is still there; I'm missing a teammate. Dad had been looking forward to going to Haiti again and I was looking forward to showing him more of the Haiti that I love and having more conversations about Haiti and the future, sitting there with our legs in the pool and a breeze going through the grapevines he'd just finished pruning. There were things I wanted to do that I didn't get to last time as I was stressed out about how the first time around was going to go and it had been basically a year since we'd seen each other in person... dumb excuses, the if only's started to creep in and I sobbed and sobbed.

Why couldn't we have a couple more months with him and finished this year?! Why couldn't he have come to Haiti one more time?! Why couldn't You wait to take him till I was married and had kids that he KNEW and loved?! One more birthday, one more holiday, one more conversation, why couldn't we just have one more?!?! But, as these questions escaped my lips I knew the answer to every single one. I'm not mad at God. These things weren't said in anger or bitterness, they just needed to be said from this broken and hurting girl, sobbing before His throne. He understood me. He understands what it's like and He just sat with me, letting me cry, picking up my tears and crying with me - it was humbling.

I trust Him though I don't understand, I know it was God's perfect timing though it doesn't seem like it somedays, I know it's going to be ok. But, I miss my dad, I miss his hugs, I miss his voice, I wake up Sunday mornings wishing I could hear his voice coming down the hall, belting out "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" or "Blessed Assurance" and to hear his loud knock on my door... "Time to get up Hoper, don't want to be late for church.... you up?" haha sometimes I wouldn't answer because I knew he'd come in, rip of my sheets and tickle me.... Oh goodness.... I wait almost every Sunday but it doesn't come and sometimes I yell at my siblings when they knock on my door instead - sorry guys!

As my tears slowed I head Him say "It's going to be okay" and it will be. It's going to be hard, hard to not keep brushing feeling and memories aside, trying not to cry, hard when he's not there for things but, my dear sweet Madame Sue from Haiti sent me this the other day and... it's perfect:

"I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was a sad time
That followed the death of
someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself -
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing
A new definition of self." ~ Gwen Flowers

Andrew Peterson is coming to my church tonight for his Behold the Lamb tour, dad loved Andrew Peterson and would have loved to be there tonight; and he will be in spirit as the majority of his children go. Packing a boatload of kleenex.

I'm excited for Haiti, I'm glad I have the opportunity and the health to go back for a bit and deliver these shoeboxes but, our team will be missing a 6' 4", brown haired, blue eyed guy, cracking jokes and singing the wrong words to songs. Love and miss you dad <3

Quick Update

This is my 7th attempt to write a blog post about the past few months and.... I've decided to just do a quick update.

• Health - My health has improved since my last update. I'm still resting, taking pills, joints still get angry and ache if I do too much but, we're making progress and I will be doing the last zyto test this coming week. 
• Haiti - I've been "ok'ed" to lead a team down to Haiti on December 8th for one week (the shortest amount of time I've ever spent in Haiti) with my project Operation Maranatha Shoeboxes, you can find out more about this project by clicking here
• Fundraising - I am 3/4 of the way to my $2,000 goal for this trip, if you'd like to give towards this trip you can find my GoFundMe page here. GoFundMe does take a small percentage so if you'd like the full amount to go to me please email me at: h.e.rdancing4Him@gmail.com and I will give you an address that you can send a check to.
• Photography - I've had the great honor of shadowing and learning from Megan Hein the past few months. She's a wonderful, godly woman and I'm learning so much as well as building up my portfolio for my own little business. Working on photography has given me a sense of purpose the past few months and since August helped be a little distraction. I have created a website at last for H.e.r Photography and am taking on clients. 100% of the profits from any sessions in or booked in October or November goes straight to my trip to Haiti! So if you're wanting: family, senior, maternity, birth or newborn contact me and know that you're money is going towards a great cause! Spread the word ;) 

To everyone that has: emailed, messaged, called, skyped, sent cards, money or giftcards (starbucks, walmart, target, american eagle, aldis) on hearing of my fathers sudden passing... all I can say is a very tearful and sincere thank you so very much and may God bless you three times over in how you've blessed me. The love and support my family and I have received has been... incredible. 

We know that God is going to continue providing and looking out for us, we don't know how but we know that He is FAITHFUL and we're clinging to His promises in this time of loss.

God bless you all and go spend time with your families, take pictures, have that conversation, make that apology.... whatever you're waiting to do or say don't wait any longer because that moment will be gone in a flash. Believe me.

June Health Update

I've mentioned this before but the song "It Is Well With My Soul" is one of my favorite hymns, not just because of the beautiful melody or the faith portrayed in the lyrics but also because the faith of the author (click here to read that post) when he wrote it. It's hard to stay positive when it seems things are falling apart, when family members are taken "too soon", when this world keeps heading down a destructive path, when you keep getting knocked down over and over again, when an ending is not in sight. I'm finding myself in that place this week as several things have gone wrong and I received the test results from a second zyto test.

But let's back up

January - I slept on the couch for several weeks, as laying down flat I felt like my lungs were going to explode, I waddled around but just sitting up was exhausting and slept a large percentage of the time. The second week we started to take out the stitches but the incision site started reopening! Waited another week before they came out but then placed butterfly bandages on them to make sure they stayed, silly little thing :p The end of January I got the results of my first zyto test - my endocrine system and liver were stressed, I had a flatworm, and there were several foods I should avoid as my body wasn't liking them. The list included wheat, turkey and cows milk among other things.

Highlights: Meeting my newest niece Tess, attending and helping photograph the birth of my newest nephew Alex, time with family, sleep ;)

February - I was walking more easily but, an evening out, even just to a movie and dinner, mean't I would be down for several days after. I started taking pills and doing my best to drink a pitcher or more of water a day, and usually succeeded! It was also recommended to do three weeks of colonics, there was a nice little place in Wichita and it did help but was not something I looked forward to going to twice a week. Also started experimenting with Kale since I was supposed to stay away from spinach. No to it in smoothies (tastes like bug spray) but added to eggs with some italian seasoning and cayenne pepper, delicious!

Highlights: my birthday, our foreign exchange student's birthday, evening out with my parents, doing a table on Haiti for mission fest at my church, playing with nieces and nephews who could now remember my name ;) Visit from a dear mentor also known as the peach lady ;) Started driving near the end of the month! Painful but worth it!

March - While still tired easily I was up more and got to help with my old dance studios photo shoot! So much fun to see some of my old team mates, little girls I used to teach who aren't so little anymore and to feel of some use again. My legs, arms and hands would tire very easily and carrying a cup of tea felt like a 5Ib ball in my hand. If I stood for too long my legs would start to ache and than shake so I tried to still sit as much as possible.
I was asked to start doing preschool with three little girls from Pakistan to help them learn english and try to give their pregnant momma a break for a couple hours as 3 little girls under the age of 4 is a bit of a handful ;) I didn't speak any Urdu and it's nowhere near French or Kreyol, surprise surprise, but we had fun building with legos, lincoln logs, learning shapes, coloring, singing and they picked up on things very fast!

Highlights: My brother bridged over into boyscouts, my family drove to Manhattan for a Rend Collective concert (one of my favorite bands) finished colonics, got a massage and my favorite chai tea from the best coffee shop in my town, spring, trip to Kansas City for spring break with the family, got to spend time with old friends.

April - Had good and bad days but it seemed more good days. Still resting a lot, reading, journaling, sleeping but more active! Body aches were still an almost daily thing and if I did too much I could definitely feel it the next day. Still not standing for too long but all around felt like I was making some baby steps forward. As you may or may not know I have a passion for photography, I do not consider myself a professional as I have quite a bit to learn but, I had started photographing again in February for a birth and did another birth in April, I was so thrilled to be able to start doing something that I love again that wasn't to stressful on my body and was a way to bless people around me. I decided to pursue it a little more and ask some local photographers if I could shadow them, I put out some messages and Megan Hein Photography replied back giving me the chance to shadow an upcoming engagement session as well as couple weddings in May! What a blessing!

Highlights: my Pakistani girls got a new baby brother, there was one day I wasn't freezing and wore shorts! I got to help plan and throw my sister a roaring 20's mystery dinner for her 15th birthday! I had the opportunity to put together some photo books for Maranatha which was fun to go through photos and gave me something meaningful to do.

May - I was beginning to feel more like myself, I was drinking plenty of water, taking pills, and wasn't as tired though still spending a lot of time reading and resting in my room. This month was full of graduations for my family as my sister graduated from high school, brother from Hutch Community College and my sister and father from Newman University (my dad with his masters woot woot!) I was tired after each event but not in a need to go lay down and sleep for forever kind of way and am able to stand a little longer, progress! I started shadowing Megan Hein who is an absolute joy to work with and her passion and ministry is as beautiful as her photography skills. I'm picking up a lot and it's so nice to be helpful after laying around like a bump on a log ;)

Highlights: watching parents and sister run a half marathon, celebrating 3 sisters birthdays, graduations, shadowing 2 weddings and doing senior pictures for my Krgy sister.

That brings us to June - Since I was feeling so much better I had some high hopes for this next test and I was really hoping to get the "ok" from my doctor to fly back to Haiti for the last week or two of English Camp! I would of course promise to be a good patient, take all my pills, drink plenty of water etc, no big deal right? Wrong. test results don't lie and though I'm "feeling" 60% better the report showed that my: liver, endocrine system, pancreas and neurotransmitters were stressed. I still had parasites, and added to the list was: clostridium and staph infections as well as B-complex, calcium, magnesium, manganese, vitamin-E and vitamin-C deficiencies.... on the plus side my doctor reassured me that I'm NOT going crazy as I've been having trouble concentrating and remembering things, my transmitters are stressed giving me something similar to what they call "pregnancy brain" no I'm NOT pregnant just dealing with a lot going on in side this body so.... good news! Also, I can have milk, spinach and turkey again ;)

I did cry though. I really tried not to, but when my doctors response about Haiti was "I won't tell you "no" if you're absolutely positive that God wants you to go. But, you need to understand that it will definitely increase your recovery time" I knew, that I wasn't going to camp and God was shutting the crack that I'd made in that closed door. My mom comforted me in the thought that it wasn't closed forever just this summer. I reached out to my Haiti crew (3 wonderful friends from Boston, Canada and Texas I'd made while living there) letting them know the news and each of them, knowing my pain and sharing in my passion came alongside me encouraging me that I was in the palm of God's hand and He wasn't done with me yet. Very thankful for these lovely ladies, they're my gems.

As the day went on, through all my tears and disappointment in myself God was there. Speaking to me, encouraging me and reminding me that I'm where I'm supposed to be and not being able to go to Haiti doesn't mean I'm any less loved by or useful to my loving Savior.

I don't know if it's just me, or if every missionary that returns home from overseas sick goes through this battle of not feeling like they did enough, finding it hard to "fit" back into their previous home life etc etc but I encourage you that if you know someone whose returned from the mission field to truly reach out to them, invite them over, listen to their stories even if you can't relate. The little things mean so very much. And please don't take this as me whining and asking for attention. I'm so blessed and am thankful for the people that have kept up, encouraged and visited with me. It's truly a blessing.

I'm also very thankful for this time with my family that I missed way more than I thought and who've grown in so many different ways. I don't know what this next month or the rest of this year holds. God's plan doesn't always "make sense" to us but than again it doesn't really have to when we know who God is and that He works all things out for good.

Waiting

*I will be writing another blog post at some point, detailing more of my health journey the past few months, but this was what was on my heart to share with you today.

The world is a scary place, it's always been but, as I'm growing older it seems especially daunting what with: the threat of ISIS, the presidential race, a horrible mass shooting 15min from my families homes, fires that have burned thousands of acres of farmland and homes, the attack on godly morals in the USA, the normality of broken families, the lack of true relationships and an uncertain future in this world that's going downhill fast... but wait, the future, however we may feel and worry about it, is extremely certain. Jesus taking up humanity, dying and coming back to life was not for a lost cause! This world will not last, Satan doesn't have the final say, Jesus made a way for us to live and to be with Him forever, that is the GREATEST news we will ever receive!

We forget this truth in the midst of our fears. Faith and life is not always easy and hey Jesus' life wasn't easy! But, where your focus is and what your attitude is, changes everything. If we're focusing on God, trusting that His will and timing are perfect, that fear is transformed to faith and our attitude is not one that is not giving up on the world but sees the hope and potential in people. 

One of my favorite Bible stories is Joseph. Joseph knew a thing or two about waiting - I often forget that Joseph's story doesn't take place in a couple of months. He was imprisoned for over 3 years and 15 years passed before he saw his dream come true. What has always stood out to me is Joseph's character while he was waiting for God's plan and blessings, he was: faithful, loving, kind and trusted God even though he had been sold into slavery and imprisoned for something he didn't do! In the end we see that God was preparing Joseph to become second in command of all Egypt through the many trials Joseph encountered.
God has done and will do great things with and through us, but, if we're focused on ourselves or caught up in fear, we will miss opportunities. God doesn't need us and honestly there are billions of other people He can use, and He will if we're not open and willing to His leading.

Waiting on God, trusting Him through this life is not always fun and easy, but where in the Bible was the promise that it would be?  

Matthew 10:22 "You will be hated by all because of My name" 

Luke 21:16-17 "But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death, and you will be hated by all because of My name." 

Acts 14:22 "Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God."

2 Timothy 3:12 "Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."

Philippians 1:29 "For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake,

1 John 3:13 Do not be surprised, brethren, if the world hates you.
Wow.... ok, didn't need that reminder Hope! Sorry! However, it's the truth but, the second half of that promise are found in some of the following:
Romans 5:3–4 "... but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good, to those who love God to those who are called according to His purpose"Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation[ has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted  beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."2 Corinthians 4:7–12 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed"

Revelation 2:10

'Do not fear what you are about to suffer....Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life"

It has been 4 months since I had surgery and flew back to Kansas. This is my first blog post this year and I do have to admit that my focus and attitude have not always been where and what they should be (I'm still human sorry; I know you're shocked) I've been frustrated, angry, worried and felt completely lost. I'm not healing as fast as I would like to be and I feel like a waste of space some days. However, I'm having more good health days then bad, I've had some fun times with a couple of friends and my family and God reminds me on a daily basis that our worth is not determined by our works and God rested on the 7th day and Jesus took time to rest and be rejuvenated. I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Waiting.