More Heart and Less Attack

It's hard to live in two worlds.

It's hard to go "home" when there's another "home" out there that's pulling your heart and thoughts.

These two things hit me really hard over my Christmas break at home. And it's hard to share and to put into words when you don't know where to begin or even what exactly you're feeling.

This year was definitely a year of firsts, (I will go more into detail on my one year anniversary) for the most part they were good firsts. God placed incredible people in my lives, that includes the Tlucek family, my fellow intern at preschool and 7 girls, 4 of which I've become the best of friends with and I count them as I true gift from God. I made tons of memories that I know will stay with me forever! Most, if not all of you have seen pictures on my photography page of this past year and I must say that 98% have been highlights. The heartache is something I could not capture, the tears, the worries, the hurt and overall "imperfection" I could not always share as some of it was not mine to share.

This year God has tested me and shown me things about myself and Himself that I had never heard of or known. I am a perfectionist, I am VERY sensitive to things that people say or do (whether big or small or whether they meant things a certain way or not) I work really hard, I care deeply about what people think of me, I worry about countless things a day, I carry things on my thin shoulders that should never be carried, I don't take care of myself and I beat myself up when I drop below my standards. All of these things do not make me a horrible person, an unloved or unlovable person, God does not think of me with contempt or push me away from Himself when I mess something up. Though these are things that I have thought, worried about, cried over, begged for forgiveness for and things I've tried to cover up.

To get anywhere or to do anything in life is a process. It's work. And I've always been low on patience, always wanting things to work out just like that *snap, to get places and things quickly... but, patience is a virtue, it's a bittersweet virtue. Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." be patient and wait. Stop and lean on Him. Be still...but when we're are running around crazy, worrying about our never ending to do list, looking down at our screens we are missing out on something. We forget to be still and to just know and marvel in the fact that He. is. God.

As I sat waiting for my flight my eyes filled with tears and trying to not just break down, I heard the acoustic version of this song by: needtobreathe (click on the link to listen) and this is my prayer, my resolution for 2015:

                                                 "More Heart, Less Attack"
                                                                     Needtobreathe

Be the light in the crack
Be the one that’s been there on a camel’s back
Slow to anger quick to laugh
Be more heart and less attack

Be the wheels not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack

The more you take the less you have
Cuz it’s you in the mirror staring back
Quick to let go slow to react
Be more heart and less attack

Ever growing steadfast
And if need be the one that’s in the gap
Be the never turning back
Twice the heart any man could have

Be the wheels not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack
Be more heart and less attack
Be more heart and less attack

I stuck my hat out I caught the rain drops
I drank the water I felt my veins block
I’m nearly sanctified I’m nearly broken
I’m down the river I’m near the open

I stuck my hat out I caught the rain drops
I drank the water I felt my veins block
I’m near the sanctified I’m near broken
I’m down the river I’m near the open

I’m down the river to where I’m going

Praying God stretches you, that you know that He is God in 2015

Christmas Peace

Christmas in the Stateside is a happy time for most, there's is joyful and upbeat music coming through the radio and playing in all the stores as you rush around buying presents. Sparkly, Christmas colored ornaments and decorations can be found all over, family is coming together, presents are under the tree or safely hidden until Christmas eve. The house smells amazing as the smell of: peppernuts, fudge, pies and other goodies fill the house and the bowl of candy is constantly being refilled. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" as one of the Christmas songs proudly exclaims.

Poverty though... especially during the holidays is... so hard to fully comprehend with our first world brains and our misconceptions and when you do have a piece of it it's hard to explain as your heart just aches. That's kind of where I am right now. Achy.

As someone put "people who usually wouldn't do bad things are more likely to at Christmas". I love each of these children at the preschool and the fact that some of them; some of them have been hurt and mistreated, some on a regular basis just leaves me... wondering... praying... aching. Wondering what more I can do, how I can help, how to show more love, how to help guide and teach this child about Jesus.... what to do. And I want so badly to help, to move, to love, to share right now that I get tangled in my thoughts and my heart becomes weary as the possibilities are endless and I simply don't. know.

But God does.

As I lay wide awake, praying and hoping I'd drift off to sleep I felt that I needed to read a chapter in the book I'm reading: Traveling Light by: Max Lucado. I picked up my kindle and began reading chapter 5; the title of the chapter was: I Will Give You Rest. He talks about insomnia and how it affects 70 million Americans and then about the one other living creature that has the same problem; can you guess what it is? It's sheep.

"For sheep to sleep things have to be just right. No predators. No tension in the flock. No bugs in the are. No hunger in the belly. Everything has to be just so.

Unfortunately, sheep cannot find safe pasture, nor can they spray insecticide, deal with the frictions or find food. They need help. They need a shepherd to "lead them" to help them "lie down in green pastures." Without a shepherd they can't rest. Without a shepherd, neither can we." ~ Max Lucado

"The Lord is my shepherd 

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me by still waters."

Psalm 23:2

In Judea the hills were not thriving with fresh green shoots of grass for the sheep to graze on, the shepherd had to go and clear away the rocks, tear out the stumps and burn the brush, irrigate and cultivate the land for his sheep. This is a shepherds job description. And Jesus did this for us in coming as a newborn baby, living a perfect live and dying on the cross.

With his own pierced hands, Jesus created a pasture for the soul. He tore out the thorny underbrush of condemnation. He pried loose the huge boulders of sin. In their place he planted seeds of grace and dug ponds of mercy. And he invites us to rest there. 

Can't you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of a shepherd when, with his work completed, he sees his sheep rest in the tender grass?

Can you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of God when we do the same? His pasture is a gift to us." Max Lucado

What peace and love just flooded my heart when I read these words. The Lord is my shepherd and this is the pasture that he has brought me to and he will guide me where I need to be, what I need to say and what I need to do. But, I need to rest in His arms and under His watchful eye. He gives me the strength for each and every day, to pour out love on these children, to further His kingdom and to give my all. 

Christmas is a reason to smile and to celebrate and we were able to give joy to these kids in this Christmas season. We shared the story of His coming all this past week and had the opportunity and the blessing to pour out even more love on these kids as we handmade cards and made coloring books and put together gifts for all of them. Though we're in the midst of a dark cloud God gives us the opportunity to give and to shine and though we feel poured out and tired there is this... spark; this light of God that envelopes us and touches our hearts and I'm so honored to give what I can to this country, to this family, to these people and to these children.

(Some of you have been wondering how you can bless and give to MCM or to me personally this Christmas and so I added it to the end of this for y'all)

How can you give to Marantha Children's Ministries?

#1. Money - Sponsor one or more of our preschoolers at: mcmhaiti.org

#2. Prayer - for safety, wisdom, sponsorship, encouragement

#3. Time - Come and serve on a team for a week in the preschool or blessing the Tlucek family

How can you give to me personally?

#1. Money - sponsor me with a monthly donation or if you want it to be more personal (you know who you are and here is your answer) gift cards are always appreciated: Amazon, Itunes, Walmart, Visa, Burlington Coat Factory, Shutterfly

#2,  Prayer - for safety, wisdom, sponsorship, encouragement

#3. Time - Come and serve or if that is not possible I love hearing from you guys through emails, letters and skype

I will be flying home this Saturday to spend Christmas in Kansas so prayers for a safe flight and peace would be appreciated as flying during the holidays isn't always easy.

Thank you all for your support and all the many gifts you have blessed me with in so many different ways. I wish you a very Merry Christmas, that you are drawn closer to His heart and that wherever you give and whatever you give it would bless youChrr heart and all the glory is directed to God.