Come As You Are

You've had a long hard day, your hair's a mess, your shirt is wrinkled and has stains that will probably never come out no matter what the commercials on TV tell you. You didn't bother to put makeup on because, why? You're done and want to just cry your heart out on the sofa or even floor because the sofa is too far away. And then you get a call, ____ (insert someone you'd give anything to meet) is here, they've heard about you and they want to meet you right now so grab your keys and come as you are.

Come. As. You. Are?!?! Are you kidding me?! They wouldn't understand, they'd judge you, they wouldn't even let you in the front door to see _______ if you just came as you are. So you throw on another shirt, pull your hair up and throw on some make up in the car trying to hide who you were/are. You meet ______ and find that they're just as amazing as you thought they'd be and they want to know your story and help you however they can; but how could you tell them? Would they understand? What would happen if you remove this mask of perfection and are seen as you are?

It's scary isn't it? But this is what Jesus asks of us to simply come as we are because He does understand, He knows you better than you know yourself and He's gone through it all because He wanted a relationship with you. It's hard to understand and it's hard to go before anyone with the ugly truth but "...to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known.." (woman at the well/woman of no distinction spoken word poem) for someone to know the good, bad, ugly and still love you and seek a relationship with you... words cannot describe.

2015 was a great year but it was also a trying a year, a year of lessons, tests and hurts... but God is making me into a new creation and this means a lot of shaping, time in the fire and some chisling all for the furtherment of His Kingdom and His glory. So here's to 2016. I don't know what all it holds but my goals are: #1. Growing closer to God #2. Finding my identity in Him #3. Healing physically #4 Journaling #5 Being content #6 Dealing with my demons #7 Listening and watching for the next step

This is a beautiful song my Haiti siblings started playing a couple months ago and everytime I hear it God speaks to me. I hope He speaks to you too and you find the strength to come as you are before His throne.

Come As You Are ~ David Crowder

Come out of sadness

From wherever you've been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You're not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless

And all those who've strayed

Come sit at the table

Come taste the grace

There's rest for the weary

Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't cure

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You're not too far

Lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

Come as you are

Fall in his arms

Come as you are

There's joy for the morning

Oh sinner be still

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal

I Left My Appendix in Haiti

REAL QUICK: I do apologize for the lack of blog posts. I could show you several posts I started but never finished since the last post and those may be finished and posted at some point, but God has really been growing me and showing me things the past months that I've had to really mull over and discern what He's saying and what certain things mean to me (not fun growing up is it ;) ) so here is a brief update on what is going on right now in Hope's story:

A week ago Saturday, the 19th, I had an appendectomy around 3am in one of Port-Au-Prince's finest hospitals... I suppose you want a little more information than that ;) I spent Friday at our staff Christmas party enjoying the beach and everything it has to offer. I felt great. Laughed a lot, slept, swam, ate and tried not to cry as they presented me with a beautiful present and I said goodbye to these lovely Haitian ladies for a time.

7:00 pm (times are not exact)
Got home from the beach and started to have a little pain in my side. Felt like a stitch, told my director but since I'd had a large meal I ruled it out as gas. But it just got worse from there.
9:00 pm
Took a shower, hoping that would ease the pain, now I couldn't stand up straight. Laid in bed hoping that the pain would stop.
10:30 pm
I started messaging my mom as I was worried it was something serious and she confirmed my fears that it could be appendicitis and encouraged me to get Shelley
1100 pm
I tried to get up to get my director but suddenly the pain worsened and I found it extremely hard to breathe and began moaning in pain. I woke up the other girls in my room and my friend, Sarah, raced to get Shelley while her oldest daughter, Chelsey, sat with me. Shelley came in and instantly knew it was serious and that we needed to head to the hospital ASAP when she tried to get me to stand but I couldn't.
11:30 pm
Chelsea sat with me, placing a warm towel on my side as I gritted my teeth and tried not to scream. Sarah grabbed the trash can as I started to feel nauseous and found my shoes. Through gritted teeth and wet eyes I told them I didn't want to go anywhere. It was late and everyone needed to sleep but my appendix had other plans and Shelley and Byron knew better. Byron carried me down the stairs and I laid down in the back seat of the truck as we headed out. The ride was the longest and bumpiest ride of my life and I tried to be quiet and just focus on breathing but little moans and screams kept slipping through.
12:00 am
They wheeled me into the ER and I shut my eyes as blood soaked bandages on a young man were the first thing I saw. I felt guilty. These people needed more attention and were probably in more serious condition and here was this young white woman. I prayed it was something simple that they could give me something for and I could head home and be out of every one's hair. A woman doctor came over examined me and had a nurse draw blood. She thought it was either appendicitis or a kidney stone. "Kidney stone, kidney stone.... kidney stone I can pass" I prayed over and over.
1am
Shelley stayed by my side as I worried and prayed and worried some more. The doctor came back saying that the blood results were in and they would be prepping me for surgery. They'd called the surgeon and when he arrived we'd start. I couldn't hold back the tears as everything started racing through my head: money, recovery time, surgery, hospital stay, etc. Shelley comforted me, prayed with me and got my mom on the phone to comfort and pray with me as well.
2:00 am
I was feeling better... and I hoped that maybe they were wrong. However, when the surgeon came in and pressed on the right spot, I screamed like a little girl. I started to shake and a couple tears made their way down my cheeks. "What would you like?" he asked. "Honestly? I'd like it to be a kidney stone and to go home." He chuckled, gave his apologies and said he'd see me in surgery. Yay! On the positive side, we all felt relieved at the fact that he knew exactly where to press to make sure it was the appendix.
3:00 am
They wheeled me down to the pre-op, Shelley helped me into the papery yellow gown and cap and then it was time. They wheeled me into the operating room which from the ceiling looked an awfully lot like the basement of my old house (Byron and Shelley though, saw the whole room and were very impressed). The nurses were all very nice as they asked questions, trying to get my mind off the surgery. The anesthesiologist asked if I was ready to begin and suddenly I had this strange sensation like someone was sitting on my chest and my lips began to burn, I tried to tell her that it hurt but I couldn't speak, only make weird sounds "OK honey, breathe through this" she replied to my moaning and placed the mask over my nose "just breathe" and everything fell away.

After this I don't know what time anything took place.

I woke up, back in pre-op which I'm guessing doubled as post-op. I was in pain, groggy, my mouth felt extremely dry and I wasn't really sure what was going on. I could hear Shelley talking and then heard my friend Sarah's voice. That's when I opened my eyes and looked for them. They stood right outside my little "cubicle" and were talking with the nurses "Hey, how you feeling?" Shelley asked. While I don't remember talking, I'm guessing I did and told her that my mouth was dry and I was in a lot of pain. She asked if they could give me something for the pain and water. The nurses said I couldn't have water until 3:00 and I'd already had a milliliter of morphine a couple hours earlier. Shelley fought for me though and the surgeon came in to check on me. I remember him saying everything went well and asking if I was in pain. He let me have another milliliter of morphine and that I could have water. The nurse stuck to what he'd written on the paper and reminded him that I wasn't supposed to have any water for another half hour. I think Shelley said goodbye after this and headed home to get some much needed rest. Sarah stayed by my side and had brought my ipod and headphones (God bless her) so I turned on some Andrew Peterson and with the help of morphine, I fell back asleep.

I don't know how much time had passed but I woke up again and the nurse wanted to take out the catheter and move me to a private room. Once she finished, they sat me up and I immediately had a huge wave of nausea. I did not want to throw up as I knew that would hurt and I probably would have to stay in post-op longer. I dry heaved a couple times (which hurt enough to actually be puke) but I was finally (probably wasn't very long but felt like forever) able to have a small glass of water that I sipped down. I've found water really does refresh and restore a person more than anything else. Just like Jesus ;)

Shortly after that we found that in Haiti, you need to bring your own sheets as the nurses asked Sarah several times whether we had any or were going to bring any so they could move me to the new room. I told them I didn't need new sheets and the ones I were on were fine (I really wanted to get out of there and I felt like they were fine) they looked at me like I was insane but ok'd it and they lowered me back down and wheeled me to a private room as Byron came in.

It's funny the perspective you have when all you see is the ceiling - it felt like they were wheeling me down back alleys, behind the buildings, over the hill, across the river... just kidding but it did feel like I was being stashed away somewhere. We got to the private room which was actually very nice. It was a pretty Irish green, had it's own bathroom and was pretty big. They lifted me (and the sheets) onto another bed that reminded me of a massage table, minus the headrest. The top didn't raise so they propped it up with the bottles for my IV. I was cold so the sweet nurse got me another blanket and I was out again.

I was in and out after this. My times are all messed up but I think during this time I had a high fever and my nurse began placing cold compresses on my face and chest... very cold. But it helped bring my fever down.

I woke up, groggy and wishing that I hadn't woken up. Sarah encouraged me to drink and since all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I guzzled water... not a good idea. It came back up and dear Sarah rushed to find something for me to throw up in (not only do you need to bring your own sheets but also your own toilet paper, washcloths, water, food etc. which really isn't surprising but it caught us off guard). I beat her though, trying to hit the floor to save the sheets (make it easier to clean up) but I wasn't quite fast enough though and the sheets were not saved. Sarah found something (I really don't know what it was) for me to throw up in and I did get some into that. You know you have an amazing friend when they stay by your side (though you're basically unconscious the majority of the time), with no lunch or wifi, is willing to fight off the nurses for you (the nurse really wanted to give me a bath), cleans up your vomit and makes jokes about it! "Well, I know what you ate yesterday!" She was truly a Godsend and I'll always be thankful for her and her sacrifice as this is not how either of us wanted to spend our last weekend in Haiti.

The first woman doctor from the ER the night/morning before came in to check on me and Sarah explained to her that I'd thrown up. She asked why and I explained that I had guzzled too much water but I actually felt a lot better since throwing up. She was satisfied that everything was ok and said to keep drinking water and if I felt better later I could drink some 7Up. I think I fell back asleep but when I woke up I felt much much better! Sarah helped me get some clothes on, sit up and walk to the bathroom. This all took awhile but it was huge progress and I wanted to go home. I was awake for awhile after all of that so Sarah filled me in on a number of things, one being that they had put my appendix in a jar and Byron had taken it home for everyone to see! Haha - one of my Haiti siblings asked if I'd taken it out myself! :p

The rest of the day is a little fuzzy. Shelley and Byron came back with all the essentials and Shelley stayed by my side. There was also this weird black sticker on my forehead that took my temperature I believe; but it made me feel like a weird alien and we all made jokes about it. I don't remember the rest of the evening.

3:30 am Sunday
I woke up to sharp pain in my left arm, where the IV was. There was always a burning sensation when the nurse changed the IV bag or made the drip faster or slower, but this was much worse. I was on my left side so my arm was kind of hidden from the nurse, I raised it and to my horror saw that it had swelled about the size of a tennis ball, I was groggy but tapped the nurse and drew her attention to my arm. I'd blown a vein. She took care of it and to my dismay had to stick me again, this time she got it the first try which was the grace of God. I was in a lot of pain, she gave me a shot of what we figured out was basically liquid ibuprofen in my right arm "Yikes that's gonna bruise!" I thought. The pain continued to grow however and soon I felt like I couldn't breathe. They sat me up but the pain was so intense I just sat on the edge of my bed trying to breathe through the pain. Shelley and the nurse were both concerned and the nurse ran to get a doctor. An American doctor, who was working in the ER, came in and checked me. I was in so much pain I couldn't look up at his face or anything. He said I could have 2 milliliters of morphine since I hadn't had any since 10 am the day before. I hope I thanked him but I honestly don't remember. The pain lessened and I was able to use the restroom but the thought of getting back onto the high bed was not appealing. Shelley and the nurse got me a chair and I rested my head on a pillow at the end of the bed and slept there for awhile.

Sunday came, my Haiti siblings and I were supposed to lead worship that day and it was going to be our "big finale" as I was heading home and one of our "foster brothers" was headed to the states as well. Sadly, I was not able to make it but I know they did a fantastic job as always :) The morning is kind of fuzzy... the doctors wanted me to be up moving around if I could because they didn't want blood clots to form and actually I found sitting in the little office chair in the room was more comfortable and I didn't have to work so hard to get up and down as the fluids seemed to be running straight through.

We'd been told that the doctor who performed my surgery would be in at 9 am that morning but 9 am passed and another doctor came in, checked me and said that while yes, I was doing very well, only the doctor that did my surgery could release me and he hadn't come in, but he was probably at church and would come in later. My back was killing me as I had to "try" and use it instead of my stomach muscles which was next to impossible but it was definitely getting a workout. Shelley braided my hair for me, massaged my back and got my mind of the pain as we talked about life and the preschool. She also got me to walk around the room a couple times which was big progress. I was also supposed to be drinking juice and Sarah had bought some mango nectar from a merchant outside of the hospital gates. Shelley gave it to me in capfuls from my water bottle lid. It was sweet but was more filling than water.

Through all of this I felt God's peace surrounded me, could hear Him telling me it would all be ok and He wasn't going to leave me or take me home yet. Though there were moments I didn't trust Him or tears of fear escaped, He was always there encouraging me.

Byron, Sarah, Chelsea and Pastor Louis (a Haitian pastor from Chicago who works with Byron and Shelley off and on) came after church to check on us and brought coffee for Shelley and chicken soup for me. Something I have learned in my two years with Maranatha Children's Ministries is to laugh, no matter what and this crew got me chuckling and smiling, I tried really hard not to laugh as it hurt the incision but laughter really is the best medicine :) We took several walks, Sarah as my human crutch and Chelsey and Shelley taking turns holding my IV bag (the pole didn't roll) and opening doors. I found that contrary to my previous thoughts, we weren't very far from the main gate and the ER. Walking felt good. I couldn't go that far on my own and it was exhausting but it was very good as my muscles would get tired and ache if left in one position for too long (Thanks c-virus). We got back to the room and Shelley poured me a cup of chicken soup from the coffee carafe that had been keeping it warm, however, despite being washed very thoroughly, the soup tasted and smelled like old coffee and chicken soup which was very confusing to my senses and wasn't the nicest to drink. But slowly and with the "encouragement" ;) of Shelley, I think I finished the cup or almost and then drank as much of the mango nectar as I could without feeling nauseous.

The pain started to get bad again and the American doctor from earlier that morning came back in. This time I was able to talk to him and thank him as he again proscribed 2 milliliters of morphine. I don't know why the nurse was stingy with the morphine. I'm guessing they don't have a large supply or they think I'm an addict :p But I tried to not ask for anything until it got worse which apparently isn't a smart thing to do. We walked around some more and the pastor from the church we attend came while we were out on a walk. He prayed over me and I headed back to my room to sleep for awhile. I don't remember much after that. My sweet nurse had been working over 30 hours and her replacement was late. Though she really wanted to give me a bath (I told her I'd had one right before I came to the hospital and was fine) and she messed with the IV probably every hour without fail, she was very sweet and when her replacement finally came at some point that evening, she woke me up very gently, peeked under the covers that I had over my head, as I was freezing, and said "I have to go now but I will see you tomorrow morning at 6, ok cheri?" I nodded "ok goodnight, cheri - God bless" and I was asleep again.

 I knew my mom was flying in and I wanted to be out of the hospital by the time she came but I knew if I wasn't, she'd get me out. Sure enough, mom flew in looking dazzling (I don't know how she does it) though she'd flown home from Haiti on Thursday morning, done prenatals, delivered a baby and flew back to Haiti on Sunday morning. She went and found the directors of the hospital, twin Haitian brothers, talked to them about how she is a midwife and a health care professional and she knows that though it is against hospital policy she wanted them to release me into her care. They agreed to come check me and see what they could do.

They came in and asked me to get into the bed so they could check me. Now prior to this, getting into bed meant me sitting on the edge for a while, breathing and waiting for the pain to subside and then being lowered down onto the bed where I felt like someone was crushing my chest in their hands and I'd struggle to breathe for awhile before being "ok" and moving up to the head of the bed. I said a silent prayer and God wrapped me up in His arms and lifted me into that bed with little pain! The doctors checked me, said I had a fever but overall if mom was willing to accept responsibility, they would release me into her care. Joy! Thank you, Jesus! Checking out was a process as you can imagine but around 10 pm (I think), Bryon was pulling the truck inside and I gingerly climbed in, surrounded by pillows.

The ride home was rough but not nearly as rough as the ride to the hospital and once again, I found that the hospital wasn't nearly as far away as I thought it had been. We got home, I said hello to my Haiti siblings and Sarah as she flew out early Monday morning and I didn't know if I would be conscious, and then tried to get some sleep. It was a long night. I got up several times to use the bathroom and tried several different positions but lying down hurt way too much.

Monday morning was rough - mom massaged my aching back and one of my Haiti brothers got me a chair to sit in which I found was very comfortable! Byron had found the meds prescribed by the doctors and I started taking them. Quickly, after taking one of the pills, I got super nauseous so mom had me eat some bread and mangoes to settle my stomach which was rough but they did help and if you didn't know this mangoes and papaya seed are natural laxatives so everything started moving which as you may or may not know is critical to the healing process.

We had a flight out early Tuesday morning so I did my best to relax as much as possible. I had nothing packed as I thought I would have the weekend to do that. Silly me, thinking things would go as planned ;) Around 1:30, I began to climb the staircase to go up to my room. One of my Haiti siblings, Joe (14) carried my chair up for me and Belle (9) held my hand and I made it to the top and into my room without incident! With the help of Katie (16) and my mom, I pointed out things for them to pack and Katie found a couple things I'd been missing for awhile! After packing, I rested for awhile before attempting to take a shower. We've been blessed with a little water heater for the winter months which are chilly in the mornings and evenings and the thought of taking a freezing cold shower just doesn't sound too appealing. I was very thankful for the warm water and was actually able to shower without having to catch my breathe and felt so much better!

Afterwards, Shelley came to check on me and was amazed at the progress I had made (I was also very swollen in the hospital and my face had gone down a lot!). Their oldest son was arriving that night and as it was mine and Pastor Louis last evening in Haiti so they were wanting to take everyone up to Boutillier where there is a lovely little restaurant that looks out over Port-Au-Prince. It is one of my favorite places and my mom had never been there. She explained that if I wasn't feeling up to it that it was completely fine and they'd understand. I told her I'd nap but I'd really like to go. Mom changed my bandages and said that I should rest and see how I felt but she wasn't sure I'd be able to. Sure enough, when I woke up I wasn't feeling as well as I had and the long car ride to the top of the mountain and the long night that it was sure to be didn't sound like a wise choice. I do admit my eyes were wet as I told Shelley I wouldn't be able to make it and had to tell all my siblings (as they walked by my couch one by one) that I wasn't able to go. Katie, however, made me her famous ramen soup and mom and I watched Elf and an episode of Mythbusters before falling asleep. This time, I slept on the couch as being propped up and having something to lean into seemed to help.

I woke up shortly after everyone returned home and talked to Katie, Chelsea and Andrew for a little bit before falling back asleep. I don't really remember what we talked about but I remember Katie got some huge hoop earrings ;)

Tuesday, the travel day, came. I woke up, got changed and sat in my chair not feeling great and trying not to cry as I looked around the room reminiscing about the past two years and not knowing the exact date I'd be back. I thought about waking up the girls to say goodbye but I knew they'd had a late night and I would just end up crying all over them. I was able to walk down the stairs unassisted which Shelley said was amazing "I don't feel very amazing," I replied jokingly. Our security guard and one of my foster brothers were up and the tears really started to flow as I hugged them goodbye and climbed into the truck. Every time I'd left Haiti before, I'd had a return ticket and while I was sad to leave, hardly any tears were shed. I'd watched friends cry as they left and cried at their leaving but I'd always been ok knowing I was coming back within a week or two. I tried to trick myself into not crying because I know that I will be coming back but my heart and mind kept reminding me I didn't have a plane ticket back and the tears wouldn't be held back.

We flew Delta and I have to say that Delta did an amazing job. Mom had called them and told them the situation and they had booked her a nice flight, had wheelchairs for me. We had seats very close to the front of the the plane, went through security and everything very quickly and the people were very helpful. Flying wasn't as bad as I expected it to be; if I had to say anything I'd say that I was freezing.... but I'm always freezing on flights and they provided a blanket for me :)

I don't know how many of you have seen the newly remodeled Wichita airport but I couldn't stop gawking and oohing and aahing! We're so official now! Dad picked mom and I up and we headed home where my siblings (that still live at home) were waiting with hysterical signs and hot soup.

Wednesday, my "always on the ball" mother, had a doctors appointment bright and early for me. My legs and stomach were very swollen and so I weighed myself and I came in at a whopping 130 lbs!!! I have not been over 115, to my knowledge, ever! Freaked me out a little but mom assured me that it was all fluid. We got into the doctor's office fairly quickly and she was concerned about my swelling too but as she massaged my calves, it wasn't painful so she said it was probably from traveling but if I spiked a fever or had any pain in my legs to come in. We did lab work but otherwise she recommended: walking when I can, compression socks, continuing taking the antibiotic meds, Tylenol and ibuprofen and LOTS of fluids. We ran over to my favorite chiropractor (Dopps Chiropractics on Greenwich) who alleviated the pain in my neck, arm and back and headed home to sleep. Thursday, I'd lost 7 lbs and started using a pitcher of water to gauge how much water I was drinking (thank you Shelley and Sue) and today I am back down to 117 lbs!!! The test results didn't come back very encouraging but we're hopefully going to run them again and I will keep you guys updated :)

Arriving in Kansas without my appendix was change enough for me but there were many more changes waiting for me. Those who are returning missionaries understand that while home is home so is the home you just left. Someone sent me a blog post about how missionaries can never go home and while I'm grateful to my parents and my family for everything they're doing to make adjusting easier for me, it's hard and I appreciate the many prayers you all are sending up. God has however shown me that I'm on the right path with little things. One huge thing was that at the airport, having just arrived and were waiting for my dad to bring the car around, I was just starting to tear up again thinking about Haiti, an older gentleman overheard me say that I was coming from Haiti and he was Haitian!!! We had a little chat in kreyol and I learned that there is a little Haitian community here in Kansas!!!!!!!!!! God is good and He has a plan :)

P.S. There will be another post about future plans later this week as I know you're wondering.

Kisses

I've known him for a year a half. He didn't attend preschool this past year and knowing a lot of his story, this scared me as my mind would race from one scenario to the next. I saw him earlier this year, but he wouldn't talk or look at me. His yellow rain boots had seen better days and the infection on his head was back in full force. "I don't know" his old teacher replied when I asked what was wrong "I don't think he's doing well in school and he's ashamed of that" I held him close for awhile, trying to find the right words. Encouraging words. I held him arms length away "Cheri?" his hands stayed over his face, I gently tried to bring them down but he refused and started to back away "ok ok cheri" I pulled him back into a hug and kissed his head "I love you..... and we all miss you" he nodded, his face still hidden. "Ok I will see you again, yes?" he nodded again as he headed out the black gate through the murky puddles back to wherever he'd come from. My heart was heavy and I sent a message to some friends that knew him, asking for prayer.

I didn't see him for a couple months and then suddenly, as I was saying goodbye to the preschoolers and gathering registration forms, his head popped around the corner along with another boy! I ran over kissing his dirty cheeks and smiling like crazy "You're here! I've missed you! Let me look at you!" the infection on his head had cleared up and he looked happier, still cautious but happier. One of the mothers was waiting for me to make a copy of her child's birth certificate and I had to get change for another; ay, if only time would stand still for a little bit, right? He told me he was doing ok in school and he was here to pick up his cousin, and that his friend wanted water. I laughed, kissed him again (though he tried to dodge it) grabbed a couple cups of water and raced up the stairs.
Returning with change and the birth certificate he was just exiting the gate, I called after him and he begrudgingly stepped back inside "you can't leave without saying goodbye!" he rolled his eyes and tried to hurry out the gate but I caught him, kissed him on the cheek, told him I loved him. He shrugged and laughed grabbing his cousin's hand and headed back down the road again.

School ended and English Camp registration was almost full and I hadn't seen him or his half brother, who also used to attend preschool. "God's watching out for them" I kept telling myself praying and hoping they would both make it in time. The last day we did registration, I was bringing a form to the registration table and there he sat, waiting to be registered! He moved up a class this year but I would still be his teacher :D He was unresponsive to me and kept staring at his dusty sandals. I didn't push it "I will see you at camp, ok? I'm so glad you're here" gave him a pat on the back and headed back inside.

For the first few weeks of English Camp he wouldn't talk to me again, I always caught him as the kids filed into my classroom and kissed his forehead but he usually shrugged it off. I decided that that was enough every morning and to not push him further than that. I really wanted to just take him aside and find out what really was going on but knowing him, that wouldn't work. The third week of camp I was talking to another child and as he walked by with his class he gave me a huge kiss on the cheek! From that point on he was back to being his cheerful, mischievous self that I'd known him as. He began participating in the games and exercises, helping his classmates understand the rules, wanting piggyback rides, smiling, laughing and wanting to hold my hand.

His turnaround was one of the highlights of my summer and I know that I played a just a small role in his story. English Camp is an incredible program. While yes, the children are given the opportunity to learn and practice speaking English, learn about science and their world from a godly perspective, hear Bible stories, memorize Bible verses, have their questions answered; the main goal is to shine the love of God to these kids. To give them godly examples and leaders, to teach them how to be good leaders, to encourage them in any way we can, and for every child to leave knowing that they are loved and precious in God's eyes. That Jesus died on the cross and defeated death by rising from the grave three day later so that He could call us each of them His sons and daughters. Its an exciting thing to be a part of to watch God fulfill every year!

If you would like to donate towards this ministry please go to: mcmhaiti.org and donate

"Cheri mwen a"

Curiouser and Curiouser

"Curiouser and curiouser" cried Alice as she journeyed further into Wonderland. In the newest version of Alice in Wonderland, Alice is all grown up and returning to Wonderland, though she believes her previous journey to Wonderland to be a dream. Through out the movie the mouse, Munchkin, is very worried and keeps saying "she's the wrong Alice!" and accusing the poor rabbit that it's all his fault because he brought the wrong Alice back to Wonderland and now they were doomed because who was going to slay the jabberwocky and dethrone the wicked Queen of hearts?!

Have you ever felt out of place? Had people tell you that you don't belong? Think you can't do something because of this that or the other? Satan is the King of Lies and he does everything in his power, to discourage us from furthering the Kingdom of God. He tells us that we are inadequate, that we are unworthy and unloved. This world is so big how could we possibly make a difference? He fills are head with worries and doubts and we begin to believe his lies.

I am an overthinker. I am a worrier.

As most of you know I've had some health issues since moving to Haiti and this past May was another battle. God graciously wrapped me up in His arms and I made it through and surprisingly didn't lose a single pound! As English Camp drew closer I had some doubts as to whether I was supposed to stay for English Camp or if going back to the states to recuperate was what needed to happen.

I began to pray just asking God to show me what His plan was and talking with different people about options. I slowly started to try and put together a plan for the summer and for after the summer. I decided to stay as I knew we were short staffed and it was going to be a stretching summer whether I was here or not. English Camp began and while I was very happy to be at English Camp I think I started off on the wrong foot and continued on not really trusting that this was God's plan and doubting myself.

As Alice journeys through Wonderland, stumbling here and there, thinking that it is all a dream and thinking she's the "wrong Alice," she meets the mad hatter, an unlikely friend who is positive that she's the right Alice but tells her "You used to be a lot more... "muchier." You've lost your muchness!"

When we let worries over take our thinking, when we believe the lies Satan tells us, we lose our "muchness" we shrink smaller and smaller as our view turns inward instead of upward. Our perspective is off, everything looks bigger, scarier and you feel lonelier than you would care to admit.

Alice is taken to meet a wise, blue caterpillar named Absolem. 
Absolem - "Who are you?" 
Alice - "I'm Alice" 
Absolem - "We shall see"
Alice - "What do you mean by that? I ought to know who I am"
Absolem - "Yes you ought..."
When they show Alice the prophecy of her slaying the jabberwocky she cries that that isn't her, she is the wrong Alice. The rabbit begs Absolem to resolve the matter "Is she the right Alice?" as the caterpillar disappears he replies "not hardly"  

As the summer went on I kept worrying what things meant and whether or not I was following God's plan. Part of me was sure I was following God's plan and the other half was tired and just wanted to know for sure. God is such a gracious God. Slowly; through little things: a cool breeze during morning devotions, someone bought and left Dr Pepper, a hug, a friend with a listening ear, laughter, an encouraging word and slowly my eyes began to shift back to Him. Little reminders of His love, of who I am in His eyes not worrying about myself or where I was but knowing that He was with me and He loved me.

English Camp ended. And after an encouraging meeting with my director, Shelley. I still wasn't sure how long I'm supposed to stay here or what's best for my health.
Sunday we all piled into the pick up and headed to church; this particular Sunday we had a guest worship leader and as we began to worship all I wanted was to be in God's presence, unashamed, lost in His beauty. As I worshiped my heart became lighter and then a song I hadn't heard before began to play. As I read the words I felt the wind get knocked out of me, tears began to flow as the truth of the words hit me full force and I began to sob.

 "I've heard a thousand stories of what they think You're like
but I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night You tell me that You're pleased and that I'm never alone You're a Good, Good Father It's who you are, It's who you are, It's who you are and I'm loved by you It's who I am, It's who I am, It's who I am I've seen many searching for answers far and wide But I know we're all searching for answers only You provide Because You know just what we need before we say a word You're a Good, Good Father It's who you are, It's who you are, It's who you are and I'm loved by you It's who I am, It's who I am, It's who I am You are perfect in all of your ways You are perfect in all of your ways You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Alice still isn't sure whether she is the right Alice or not. She talks with Absolem for the last time:
Alice: ...don't go! I need your help, I don't know what to do
Absolem: I can't help you if you don't even know who you are, stupid girl
Alice: I'm not stupid! My name is Alice. I live in London. I have a mother named Helen and a sister named Margaret. My father was Charles Kingsley, he had a vision that stretched halfway around the world and nothing ever stopped him! I'm his daughter. I'm Alice Kingsley.
Absolem: Alice at last!
When Alice remembers who her father was and that she was his daughter, everything changed. We should be the same way. Our God is a good good Father, it's who He is. I don't know if you have a good father or have a good fatherly example in your life. I do. And though I've heard a thousand times that God is our Father and I've called Him my Father; I've never really known Him as a father or compared my earthly father and my heavenly father. My dad has told me several times that he is proud of me throughout my life and every time it's felt like he's given me the greatest gift. 

I want to follow God, no matter what, no matter where, no matter when. But it's turned into this stressful mess when it doesn't need to be; God is perfect in all of His ways, and He has the answers, which He will tell me all in good time because He's a good good father. He doesn't tell us His entire plan for our lives and He doesn't make us go down certain paths or do certain things but lovingly nudges us forward, sends us people to help guide us or teach us along the way (because we all need a mad hatter in our lives) everything gets curiouser and curiouser as we continue on, trusting a little more here and a little more there, beginning to see all the pieces fitting together until one day we figure out who we are. That we are the "right Alice", we're God's children and we slay our jabberwockys/demons and dethrone the King of lies in our lives. God made us for a specific purpose; whatever that purpose is it's terrifying and incredibly beautiful all at the same time and through His strength we can and will accomplish great and wonderful things for His kingdom.

My name is Hope. I live in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti. My father is God; He had a vision that reached across the entire world and nothing ever stopped Him! I'm His daughter. I'm Hope.

Who are you?

Pre-Camp Week

Last week we had pre-camp. Pre-Camp is when all of the people who would like to be translators or junior counselors, as well as out staff, get to experience a week of English camp.

Through out this week we, as the teachers, group leaders and directors watch the potential junior counselors and their behavior through out the week. We look for people, who are attentive, follow instructions, take initiative, good leaders, gentle and good-natured. For translators we look for the same attributes along with how well their English and translating skills are. I have a lot of respect for translators; as I work on my second language I know that translating isn’t as easy as we would like to think it is. The literal translation is not always the same and so quickly one has to think how it would make sense in another language and then say it. I stumble a lot when volunteers ask me what a child says. Yes, some things are very simple to translate but other things are cultural and therefore need a much longer translation. We had 100 people signed up for pre-camp! Sadly we could only take a total of 26 so a lot of prayers for God to make it very clear whom He would like to have in camp went up through out the week.

There are four classes everyday that the groups rotate through (during camp they’re split into older and younger) they are: English, science, Bible and PE. We split boys into two groups and the same with the girls. I helped put together the science curriculum this year; I love science and seeing all the tiny details God made everything with. Our summer director Andrew let me to teach the science class and while I was really nervous about teaching and getting all the facts straight; Monday morning came and I was fairly confident as I went to class. The science curriculum is themed: 6 Weeks of Creation. So, each week we focus on one day of creation the first week going through creation and then talking about light, light energy etc. the first day was relatively easy as I simply read the Genesis 1, 2:1-2 explaining and going into depth after each day of creation and then having the class draw inside a chart what happened on each of the 7 days. I concluded by really driving the point that God simply spoke, it wasn’t a magic spell, he didn’t use any sort of instrument He simply said “let there be” and there was. God is THAT powerful and that same powerful God loves each of us and desires a relationship with us.

The first class was a little restless; I had some issues with one of the guys but the rest of my classes went better. I had the boys first, a break for lunch and then the girls. My last class on Monday I asked if anyone knew what God created the first day; they were all shocked when I told them that “the heavens and earth” was wrong. “Genesis 1:1” they all said and when I began to read they were all shocked as I went through the three days of forming, three days of filling and the last day of rest. Monday was a good reminder, to me, that preaching the gospel and starting at the very beginning is important and how powerful God is.

Tuesday - I decided to do week 2 so that the junior counselors who would be working in camp wouldn’t hear the exact same week of science all over again. Day 2 of creation God separated the sky and the water. The day before things went well but I felt like there needed to be more interaction; this was also the day that the people wanting to be translators got a chance to translate for the teachers instead of our group leaders. I went to my class excited as I had a fun experiment to do with the class! I began by reviewing the order of creation and asking the class what happened each day; they stumbled a little but got it with a little help. I began to talk about the atmosphere and how it protects the earth, we talked about weather, the water cycle and pollution and then we made rain in a jar with: water, shaving cream and blue food coloring. So much fun! As I taught I myself was really touched on how incredibly perfect God had made things for us and how we mess it up. God told Adam and Eve to take care of the earth and the animals and we aren’t doing a good job of the job God gave us!

My third class, as I explained the atmosphere God began to speak and though this wasn’t in the lesson plan at all I began to talk about meteorites burning up in the atmosphere and falling stars; my translator stopped before translating what I just said and the staff members (who speak English) in the class were stunned “what did you say?” she asked, I repeated about falling stars and she shook her head in disbelief and translated it; then everyone was stunned and began talking. “Um… what just happened?” I asked, she laughed as she explained that in Haiti they’ve all been told that a falling star is a sign that someone is going to die. Again, God moved and I explained that no, a falling star is actually kind of the opposite. It’s a reminder that God is protecting us from meteorites that might cause damage and maybe kill us. So I encouraged them to remember that and share with their families that when they see a shooting star they shouldn’t be afraid but comforted because God is in control and He’s protecting us because He is God and He loves us. I went on to explain that every little part of creation is important if we didn’t have one part of the water cycle it wouldn’t work at all. God doesn’t make mistakes and just like God designed and made everything for a reason He did the same with each of us. We’re all here for a reason, we all make a difference whether we believe it or not.

Tuesday I was reminded that I’m God’s instrument to play a beautiful melody on, when I’m in tune with Him, and I’m just so thankful that He chooses to use me to touch others lives and that I am here.

Wednesday - the third day of creation God created the land, plants and the sea. I decided to talk about plants, land and then do a volcano experiment! My first class was still my hardest class but we got through it and they loved the volcano! The rest of my classes were so interested in plants that we didn’t have time to do the volcano! I had a volunteer draw a tree (as in the middle of my “classroom” stood a very tall tree and I used it as an example) and then different people come up and draw what the tree needed to make food. I also went over chlorophyll and how it makes leaves green and one of our preschool teachers was shocked “I never knew that before, the leaves are green because of chlorophyll! But now thanks to your lesson I know that!” she said laughing after our staff meeting.

Tuesday we’d given the people who were trying out to be translators a chance; most were guys and so Wednesday I asked some of the girls who’d been coming to English camp for a long time to translate for me and they actually did a really good job!!! I was so impressed!

As I went over the different things a tree need in order to make food and to live God moved once again and I began to explain how we, like trees, need to dig deep into God’s word which is like water to our thirsty souls, how the holy spirit lives in us and changes us (like the plants take the carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen) how without God’s one and only son we cannot have eternal life! The older ladies in my group shouted out some “amens” and “thank-you Lords”. Wednesday I pray God planted seeds in hearts that will grow and each of my students will come to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.

Fun fact: I can only say photosynthesis a total of 2 times before I get tongue-tied. We spent a good 5 minutes laughing about it and then I found the kreyol word is SO much easier to say and began using it: fotosentèz (photo-sin-tez)

Thursday – the fourth day of creation God created the: sun, moon and stars. I planned on talking about all of them but highlighting the moon as I’d noticed that the moon (I’ve always found space fascinating) was a waxing crescent the night before! I dreaded my first class in all honesty. But God just pressed on my heart to be cheerful and loving no matter what and as I prayed for the fruits of the spirit to be poured out the entire class changed. Guys were cheering for each other, helping one another out, answering questions, those that had caused problems were actually listening… it was one of the fastest answer to prayer I’ve ever experienced and I was SO grateful!

We talked about how the earth rotates around the sun and the moon rotates around the earth. I had three volunteers try and replicate it. We had a very small space and so as you can imagine it didn’t go well. I am a perfectionist but before any anxiety and degrading thoughts could even start, I laughed. Literally burst up laughing, as God showed me how silly we humans are. I had the class give the volunteers a round of applause and began to explain that even though there were several of us trying to get the volunteers to do it correctly we couldn’t get them to. It was a mess! “Aren’t you glad that God is in charge and not us?!” we went on to discuss how God once again created everything perfectly, His math is right on and if it was slightly off we’d be in big trouble.

We went over the phases of the moon next. I asked if any of them had seen the moon the previous night some had but they couldn’t remember what it had looked like. I encouraged them to look at the moon that night and try and figure out what phase it was at. All of my classes had so many questions about the moon we didn’t get to the sun and stars!

As Thursday was the last day of normal classes I again reiterated that God is the one who created the earth, in seven days, that the earth is young, how powerful God is, how He is in every little detail and that He does everything for a reason though we might not understand it or know why we’re all here for a reason and we have a choice to follow Him or to not.

Friday – Friday is called Friday fun day; we don’t have classes but fun activities where at least one involves water ;) My activity was musical chairs, which we had a blast with! We don’t have a lot of chairs but mainly benches, (which I’ve played with before in preschool but its not easy and doesn’t always work) and last year we’d used little pieces of cardboard to mark places. However; I’d found that with the preschoolers if I had them make a circle and then squat when the music stopped I would just choose the last person to squat or sit down and the last two I’d bring out a folding chair and it would be like “normal” musical chairs. The little kids LOVE it and so we tried it for Friday fun day. They also loved it and it ended up going faster then I thought it would and so I switched it up a little: the 2^nd round we chose one person to be in the middle of the group and choose an action for the entire group to do (e.g march with hands in the air, hop, shuffle, grocery cart etc.) it made it a little harder as they had to follow the person in the middle as well as listen for the music to stop and start. Lots of laughs! We still had time for another round and so the 3^rd round if a person got out they got to be the one in the middle, choosing what move people did and then when someone else got out they would go sit down and that person would take their place in the middle so that everyone got a turn J

I laughed so hard as some of the moves (walk like a chicken) were just hysterical and then when our older ladies got in the middle and started getting down with the music; everyone was good sports and it was a great ending to a wonderful week.

Friday was also hard because it was when Andrew chose who would help in English camp; there were a lot of disappointed people but for the most part they took it very well and we hope to see them again next year and that what they learned and saw during pre week God would use to draw them to Himself.

Count it All Joy

“I can’t believe this is the last day of preschool” this thought kept circling round and round my head from the moment I woke up on Friday to the moment I laid it down. Time in Haiti is funny thing. As far as time concerning a clock the people of Haiti don't really run their lives by it. Most people show up late or whenever they want; whether they had an appointment at a certain time for or a wedding was supposed to start at 2 and it's just now about to begin at 4:30; you have to laugh most of the time and sometimes it’s nice to not worry about the time. But; there are only two seasons (in my Kansas mind) here in Haiti: Summer and fall. Because, the majority of the time it’s hot and humid and leaves fall every day. Literally. Every morning someone sweeps or fishes flowers and leaves out of the pool or yard and into a wheelbarrow and by the next morning more will have fallen. Don't get me wrong I don't miss freezing from October to May AT ALL but it makes a year, over a year here, time wise, seem very strange.

This was my second preschool graduation in Haiti and both times I've been so humbled as God opens my eyes to see just how far these kids have come and their perseverance throughout the year. It's easy to get frustrated with a student and to focus on the wrong things; like where the child should be compared to other children, how many times you've corrected this or told them that. But Shelley, one of my director's, holds staff meetings at the end of the day and she always asks us "How did you see God work today? What prayers did you see answered? What child needs prayer" and as we talk about our day she never fails to encourage and remind us just how far a child's come and that the fact that while yes pouting and whining isn't ideal it is actually a step up from them lashing out at other children or us! 

4's and 5's singing

We split our three classes up and had each of them put together a little program for their parents. The oldest class went first; singing and clapping to This is the Day in English and Kreyol. They then recited Genesis 1:1 in English, French and Kreyol.

"Thank you God for my mouth to sing praises to you"

One of the girls had memorized a Haitian poem thanking God for eyes to see His creation, a mouth to sing praise etc. in choosing Bible verses for the children to memorize we wanted something that the children could hold on to and put into practice and Philippians 4:11-13 came to mind; it was a little over a month to graduation and they would need to memorize it in 3 languages and not only did they memorize it but a song in French and English that was made from that verse! After repeating the 5 rules of school they lifted up their angelic voices and began to sing 10,000 Reasons (verse 1 and the chorus in English)

The 5 rules of school

As I had been sick most of the month of May I chose 10 of the kids to work with the last 2 weeks of school, who remembered the first part of their routine, to dance for their parents. I must confess I was a little worried when we started but they persevered, listened, made corrections and danced beautifully to All in All for their parents. I chose All in All because I had heard it sung outside of preschool and several parents actually started quietly singing along as the kids danced making it even more beautiful :)

Proud Mama

Then came the 3's class singing Stop and Let Me Tell You led by two of their classmates. Their Bible verse was Psalm 34:1 "I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth"

"Stop and let me tell you what the Lord has done for me"

They then sang the colors of the rainbow and a couple shouted out the colors in English while waving a paper with that color, so cute! One of our 3's knew the song Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes in English and Kreyol. Her tiny little voice echoed through the car port as everyone sat quietly listening to her :)

One of our teachers daughters, who is in the 3's class, said a poem in English called "My Hands". She has so much sass and cuteness in her little pinkie that she had everyone rolling and she skipped out and cleared her throat before beginning ;) They then sang Into My Heart (once everyone stopped laughing) in English and French followed by their dance to I've Got the Joy. I chose this song because the 3's class have so much energy and joy you can't help but smile at their mischievous ways ;)

Come into my heart Lord Jesus

Last, but not least, came the little 2's in a line singing their ABC's. We had 32 little two-year olds this past year! They also sang This is the Day in English and kreyol. Their Bible verse was Ephesians 6:1 "Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right" which they recited in English, French and Kreyol!

2's class

Next they chose 5 of the kids to say the rules of school which was honestly one of the cutest things I've ever seen! The pronunciation on several of the words have a lot of lip and the teachers wanted to be sure that the children said them correctly so we were all in stitches as they stuck their little lips out or drew out a word.

Pro-nun-ci-ate

One of our 2's picked up on things VERY quickly and would assist the teachers when they asked questions etc in class and so for graduation she got in front of the class and asked them the days of the week in English and Kreyol and then had them say the order of the days in English and Kreyol. I hope she becomes a teacher someday :)

The little teacher

Their last song before dancing was This Little Light of Mine which the ladies recently translated into Kreyol so they were able to sing it in English and Kreyol :) They then performed a fun little dance my dance teacher taught me a long time ago called Cat and Mouse which they all love!

I'm gonna let it shine

As I watched each class perform and show everything they'd learned this past year God brought James 1:2-4 to my mind, along with a couple tears... "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Life in Haiti isn't easy, working at a preschool in Haiti isn't easy, learning a second language isn't easy, working with the culture isn't easy, teaching dance in a carport isn't easy.... to wrap it up; its not easy. There are trials in the every day I never would have thought would be a trial; but they are! And sometimes the testing becomes too much and I'm just done, I feel I've failed, I'm grumpy and frustrated with myself and I want to be done but God always gives me something to hold onto and as I watched and was reminded of just how far every single one of the kids had come I counted it all joy. James MacDonald in his series on trials says:

“count it all joy” part is a stretch for many of us, because we immediately think God is telling us to be giddy in our difficulties or happy when the hammer of hardship falls on our lives. Joy is much deeper than any superficial emotional response. Joy is the settled awareness that God still has everything under control. Joy can be just as real whether we have tears rolling down our cheeks or a smile on our face.

When the Scripture says God is working everything out for the ultimate good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), that doesn't mean we're going to have everything we want. But James 1:4 tells us our joyful steadfastness (our endurance) leads to us being “perfect,” “complete,” and “lacking in nothing.”

The tears were worth it, the patience with naughty kids was worth it, the repetition was worth it,  the pushing and coaxing was worth it because not only had I persevered and grown in my faith; but the kids had persevered as well! That is a lesson that dance teaches so well and one of the reasons I think dance is important for children and development.

To sum it all up I couldn't be prouder of the preschoolers and I count it joy to walk here in Haiti, with God through trials big and little because I've learned so much more and grown so much more walking and fighting through things here in Haiti then I would had I just given in and gone home when things started to get tough. Thank you to everyone who's continued to support and encourage me as I've walked this past year and a half. Please continue praying for guidance and wisdom as English camp starts Monday and the future is foggy but I know God will give me light for each day :)