More Heart and Less Attack

It's hard to live in two worlds.

It's hard to go "home" when there's another "home" out there that's pulling your heart and thoughts.

These two things hit me really hard over my Christmas break at home. And it's hard to share and to put into words when you don't know where to begin or even what exactly you're feeling.

This year was definitely a year of firsts, (I will go more into detail on my one year anniversary) for the most part they were good firsts. God placed incredible people in my lives, that includes the Tlucek family, my fellow intern at preschool and 7 girls, 4 of which I've become the best of friends with and I count them as I true gift from God. I made tons of memories that I know will stay with me forever! Most, if not all of you have seen pictures on my photography page of this past year and I must say that 98% have been highlights. The heartache is something I could not capture, the tears, the worries, the hurt and overall "imperfection" I could not always share as some of it was not mine to share.

This year God has tested me and shown me things about myself and Himself that I had never heard of or known. I am a perfectionist, I am VERY sensitive to things that people say or do (whether big or small or whether they meant things a certain way or not) I work really hard, I care deeply about what people think of me, I worry about countless things a day, I carry things on my thin shoulders that should never be carried, I don't take care of myself and I beat myself up when I drop below my standards. All of these things do not make me a horrible person, an unloved or unlovable person, God does not think of me with contempt or push me away from Himself when I mess something up. Though these are things that I have thought, worried about, cried over, begged for forgiveness for and things I've tried to cover up.

To get anywhere or to do anything in life is a process. It's work. And I've always been low on patience, always wanting things to work out just like that *snap, to get places and things quickly... but, patience is a virtue, it's a bittersweet virtue. Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." be patient and wait. Stop and lean on Him. Be still...but when we're are running around crazy, worrying about our never ending to do list, looking down at our screens we are missing out on something. We forget to be still and to just know and marvel in the fact that He. is. God.

As I sat waiting for my flight my eyes filled with tears and trying to not just break down, I heard the acoustic version of this song by: needtobreathe (click on the link to listen) and this is my prayer, my resolution for 2015:

                                                 "More Heart, Less Attack"
                                                                     Needtobreathe

Be the light in the crack
Be the one that’s been there on a camel’s back
Slow to anger quick to laugh
Be more heart and less attack

Be the wheels not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack

The more you take the less you have
Cuz it’s you in the mirror staring back
Quick to let go slow to react
Be more heart and less attack

Ever growing steadfast
And if need be the one that’s in the gap
Be the never turning back
Twice the heart any man could have

Be the wheels not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack
Be more heart and less attack
Be more heart and less attack

I stuck my hat out I caught the rain drops
I drank the water I felt my veins block
I’m nearly sanctified I’m nearly broken
I’m down the river I’m near the open

I stuck my hat out I caught the rain drops
I drank the water I felt my veins block
I’m near the sanctified I’m near broken
I’m down the river I’m near the open

I’m down the river to where I’m going

Praying God stretches you, that you know that He is God in 2015

Christmas Peace

Christmas in the Stateside is a happy time for most, there's is joyful and upbeat music coming through the radio and playing in all the stores as you rush around buying presents. Sparkly, Christmas colored ornaments and decorations can be found all over, family is coming together, presents are under the tree or safely hidden until Christmas eve. The house smells amazing as the smell of: peppernuts, fudge, pies and other goodies fill the house and the bowl of candy is constantly being refilled. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" as one of the Christmas songs proudly exclaims.

Poverty though... especially during the holidays is... so hard to fully comprehend with our first world brains and our misconceptions and when you do have a piece of it it's hard to explain as your heart just aches. That's kind of where I am right now. Achy.

As someone put "people who usually wouldn't do bad things are more likely to at Christmas". I love each of these children at the preschool and the fact that some of them; some of them have been hurt and mistreated, some on a regular basis just leaves me... wondering... praying... aching. Wondering what more I can do, how I can help, how to show more love, how to help guide and teach this child about Jesus.... what to do. And I want so badly to help, to move, to love, to share right now that I get tangled in my thoughts and my heart becomes weary as the possibilities are endless and I simply don't. know.

But God does.

As I lay wide awake, praying and hoping I'd drift off to sleep I felt that I needed to read a chapter in the book I'm reading: Traveling Light by: Max Lucado. I picked up my kindle and began reading chapter 5; the title of the chapter was: I Will Give You Rest. He talks about insomnia and how it affects 70 million Americans and then about the one other living creature that has the same problem; can you guess what it is? It's sheep.

"For sheep to sleep things have to be just right. No predators. No tension in the flock. No bugs in the are. No hunger in the belly. Everything has to be just so.

Unfortunately, sheep cannot find safe pasture, nor can they spray insecticide, deal with the frictions or find food. They need help. They need a shepherd to "lead them" to help them "lie down in green pastures." Without a shepherd they can't rest. Without a shepherd, neither can we." ~ Max Lucado

"The Lord is my shepherd 

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me by still waters."

Psalm 23:2

In Judea the hills were not thriving with fresh green shoots of grass for the sheep to graze on, the shepherd had to go and clear away the rocks, tear out the stumps and burn the brush, irrigate and cultivate the land for his sheep. This is a shepherds job description. And Jesus did this for us in coming as a newborn baby, living a perfect live and dying on the cross.

With his own pierced hands, Jesus created a pasture for the soul. He tore out the thorny underbrush of condemnation. He pried loose the huge boulders of sin. In their place he planted seeds of grace and dug ponds of mercy. And he invites us to rest there. 

Can't you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of a shepherd when, with his work completed, he sees his sheep rest in the tender grass?

Can you imagine the satisfaction in the heart of God when we do the same? His pasture is a gift to us." Max Lucado

What peace and love just flooded my heart when I read these words. The Lord is my shepherd and this is the pasture that he has brought me to and he will guide me where I need to be, what I need to say and what I need to do. But, I need to rest in His arms and under His watchful eye. He gives me the strength for each and every day, to pour out love on these children, to further His kingdom and to give my all. 

Christmas is a reason to smile and to celebrate and we were able to give joy to these kids in this Christmas season. We shared the story of His coming all this past week and had the opportunity and the blessing to pour out even more love on these kids as we handmade cards and made coloring books and put together gifts for all of them. Though we're in the midst of a dark cloud God gives us the opportunity to give and to shine and though we feel poured out and tired there is this... spark; this light of God that envelopes us and touches our hearts and I'm so honored to give what I can to this country, to this family, to these people and to these children.

(Some of you have been wondering how you can bless and give to MCM or to me personally this Christmas and so I added it to the end of this for y'all)

How can you give to Marantha Children's Ministries?

#1. Money - Sponsor one or more of our preschoolers at: mcmhaiti.org

#2. Prayer - for safety, wisdom, sponsorship, encouragement

#3. Time - Come and serve on a team for a week in the preschool or blessing the Tlucek family

How can you give to me personally?

#1. Money - sponsor me with a monthly donation or if you want it to be more personal (you know who you are and here is your answer) gift cards are always appreciated: Amazon, Itunes, Walmart, Visa, Burlington Coat Factory, Shutterfly

#2,  Prayer - for safety, wisdom, sponsorship, encouragement

#3. Time - Come and serve or if that is not possible I love hearing from you guys through emails, letters and skype

I will be flying home this Saturday to spend Christmas in Kansas so prayers for a safe flight and peace would be appreciated as flying during the holidays isn't always easy.

Thank you all for your support and all the many gifts you have blessed me with in so many different ways. I wish you a very Merry Christmas, that you are drawn closer to His heart and that wherever you give and whatever you give it would bless youChrr heart and all the glory is directed to God.

Thankful

This is the last week of my Thankful series, I hope you guys have enjoyed the frequent updates; I know a couple of them I barely published on time but, I enjoyed doing a series and taking time at the end of the week to really focus on what giving thanks was and what I was truly thankful for.

I'm thankful.

Have you heard the hymn "It Is Well" by: Horatio G. Spafford? It is one of my favorites. 

Digging a little deeper into the hymns history I found that Horatio was a successful Christian lawyer, happily married with four daughters and a son. Around the time Horatio was 43 he lost his only son, the same year a fire swept through Chicago; he had invested hugely in real estate a few months earlier and the disaster wiped out his holdings. Two years later Horatio planned a trip to Europe with his wife and 4 daughters. On the day they were supposed to leave he had some urgent business and stayed behind as his wife and daughter sailed to Europe. But their ship was struck by another ship and sank. Only his wife survived. As Horatio sailed to meet his wife and was passing the place where his daughters ship had sunk, he penned the first lines of It is Well.

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole

Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend

Even so, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

Wow... the founder of my church here in Haiti spoke today and his main point was that the cross is everything. And it is so true! Because He endured the cross, we can endure this seemingly long road called life. Because He died so that others could have life, we can die to ourselves to serve and reach others so that they may know His name. Because He loves us and will never stop loving us, we can see people through His eye and we can love with boundless love. Because of ALL of this it is well with our souls. And though "When sorrows like sea billows roll", though things spin out of control, though you mess up you are still His child and it is well with your soul. 

And it's the same with being thankful. Though you're frustrated and good things come and go you will always have something to be thankful for; that is Jesus Christ. 

Thankful Week 4

The end of the week is wrapping up! There is good and blessings in every day and certainly every week. We did have a lot of news that was hard, some tears escaped and it made for a long week.

I am thankful that Jesus walks beside us, holds everything in His hands and that I am a work in progress.

I struggle with different things about myself. A lot of things actually... self worth being one of the biggest ones and I'm very sensitive. I shared my testimony this summer and bawled the whole way through it. I know that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and in the hard and weak points of my life these things become twisted as I dwell on them and become like chains that I wind and trap myself in; and all the while God is speaking to me and holding His hands out; just waiting for me hand them over. But it's hard, and though I want to hand them over it's a daily choice because somehow, if I don't continually hand things over to Him, I find myself wrapped back up in my chains of "worthlessness" once again. 

But you know something? God is pleased with me. I am His daughter and though I push myself and feel horrible when things don't turn out perfectly; He is pleased with me. With us, all of us! Because He knows our thoughts and our hearts. Things don't have to be perfect for God to love us or "notice" us; He loved us when we didn't even know Him, He loved us in all our mess. He LOVES us.

Wow. Just let that sink in.

We are His children and He is the perfect fathe, continually helping His children to learn and to grow from the dried and broken ground into a beautiful creation reaching for the Son.

There is a song by Brandon Heath called Wait and See and some of the lyrics are: 

the farther out I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm not here for nothin'

He's up to somethin'

...

There is hope for me yet

Because God won't forget

All the plans He's made for me

I have to wait and see

He's not finished with me yet

Shall We Dance?

Started dance this past week! Took the first week off to: adjust back into my Haiti home, learn the new schedule of the preschool, as well as all 38 names of the children that are new to Maranatha's preschool program. Which was a blessing as adjusting back was not as easy as I thought it would be.

Last school year was my first year teaching in Haiti and we learned a lot about the do's and don'ts of teaching dance in Haiti. This year I have new space! My director had the brilliant idea to move dance class inside the carport, no more standing water, the temptation of the swing set or danger of falling coconuts, etc. I now have three walls in my classroom and it's helped immensely as far as keeping the class together and organized! It's only been the first week and I can already tell the difference from last year.

Also, my director changed the schedule of the classes and stations so that we split all of the classes into three groups, on Mondays the A groups have dance class, Wednesday the B groups and on Fridays the C groups. In each group there are 10-11 kids which is very different from simply splitting the classes in half and changing stations at the halfway point. Though this does mean that I no longer have a helper or a translator, yikes! I did pray that I would be learning more creole though before I returned. Don't you love God's sense of humor?!

Monday, the first day of dance class, was hectic. Kids were running around, not listening or obeying, some refusing to do anything and then 2's schedule got all mixed up and I had two classes instead of one; needless to say it was discouraging. But first days are supposed to be tough, they make the progress of the year more exciting and worth it... right? Yes, however this was not my attitude when I woke up Wednesday. I felt like Satan just hung a dark cloud over me as I sat on the floor of my bedroom having not slept well the night before, thoughts of whether what I was doing was worth it or even right hounding me and the C-virus not being kind. As I sat there thought the school next door began to play "You are Holy" and other songs like it and I knew I needed to stand up and go to class. I didn't feel like I had the strength and I wanted to crawl back in bed but I did my devotions and ate my breakfast and headed to class.

My first class was 10 of the oldest children in our preschool. They all attended Maranatha last year; and performed a dance on graduation day. They did fantastic! All of them listened, were excited to show me what they remembered, some of them had practiced during the summer and one of the boys, who had had difficulty with jumps in first position, jumped perfectly the very first time!!!!!! For those of you that know me or have taught alongside me you can imagine my happy dance and the cheering that happened. The 2's listened, participated and there was a lot of laughing and giggling as they tried to get their feet into 1st position. Did they all obey? No, but they're 2 and for the most part they all participated.

My final class for the day came. This group were a lot of work last year and I was a little worried but they ended up being the best class of the day! They were excited to dance, to repeat what I was saying, proud that they remembered first position and were just eager to learn. What a turn around!!!

I love teaching dance as well as dancing and am so honored to have the opportunity to use my God given passion and gifts here in Haiti. I don't know what God has planned but I am content and look forward to the future.

Thankful Week 3

Wow, was that just one week?! Time either flies or drags along it seems. And this was a long week  where bits and pieces flew. I'm not complaining and saying this week was horrible, there was just a lot packed into it, lots of stress but also it was a week in His kingdom, doing something I love. There will be another blog post shortly following this but; thankful. What am I thankful for this week?

I am thankful that God answers our prayers.

Yes, sometimes it seems like He doesn't. But I learned from a very young age, when my mom had my siblings and I memorize: A Poem by: Amy Carmichael, that He answers every prayer we say.

Just a tiny little child

Three years old,

And a mother with a heart

All of gold.

Often did that mother say,

Jesus hears us when we pray,

For He's never far away

And He always answers.

Now, that tiny little child

Had brown eyes,

And she wanted blue instead

Like blue skies.

For her mothers eyes were blue

Like forget-me-nots. She knew

All her mother said was true,

Jesus always answers.

So she prayed for two blue eyes,

Said "Good night,"

Went to sleep in deep content

And delight.

Woke up early, climbed a chair

By a mirror. Where, O where

Could the blue eyes be? Not there;

Jesus hadn't answered.

Hadn't answered her at all;

Never more 

Could she pray; her eyes were brown

As before.

Did a little soft wind blow?

Came a whisper soft and low,

"Jesus answered. He said, No;

Isn't No and answer?"

I was homeschooled and when my mom wanted us to remember something or truly understand something she did a pretty amazing job of helping us remember or figure it out. Something I really just started seeing and am grateful for. But when we memorized this mom explained why God said "No" and how if she had gotten her way she would not have been able to rescue all of the children from the temples that she did! 

This past Monday didn't go as well as I had hoped and Wednesday morning had me feeling like it wasn't worth getting out of bed. I prayed, did my devotions and sat listening to the school next door play "You Are Holy". I don't know if I verbally prayed and said "God give me strength for today" or if it was more of a thought as time ticked away. But He gave it to me as the first 10 children made a circle in the carport. I prayed, wanting to know if this was going to work and if I was the one and He showed me that it can and I am. I prayed that the children listen and obey and enjoy class and they did! 

Even though Friday was not as good as Wednesday I feel like God handed my a gift wrapped up in Wednesday and said "Not everything is perfect, not everything is easy, children are going to be children no matter where they are, but hey, I'm with you and it's going to be ok and there will come a day you'll see that will blow you away. Trust me."

God answered my prayers in a way that left me so happy and full that I fell asleep by 8:30! And I feel like God is happy to show us a peek of the future when our hearts are just... yearning to follow Him and to do what He has called us. It's easy to jump for joy and praise God in the happy and joyful times but what I've been working on its praising God though I'm stressed, though things aren't working out and trying to not make it be... fake. I feel like sometimes we or I at least tend to pray in the bad times with a body bowed but eyes searching.  Knowing this is a trial, taking it on, trying to draw close to Him, to learn the lesson...but my eyes search for the good times or the "Yay! You made it! Burdens over, here are some blessings" type thing. I don't mean to but God's kind of showed me that I have in the past. And yes, we do have that eternal hope that the trials will end. But, I feel like when we're keeping an eye on the blessings and not fully immersed in what is going on now, focusing on just who our father is and leaning into His arms and trusting Him, we're missing something. 

When the prodigal son came home and His father wrapped His arms around Him I'm sure his face was buried in His fathers robes, not peeking over his shoulder to see if there was a feast already prepared, no! For that wonderful moment (that probably seemed like an eternity and still wasn't long enough) it was just him and His father. His fathers love.

I pray that as life continues and trials bear down that I would fully immerse myself in God and place myself completely in Him. That however God answers my prayers I would be able to thank and praise Him whether I understand the answer or not.  

I'm still growing; I don't think I will ever stop and I'm nowhere near the person that I want to be as a daughter of God, but I'm not where I used to be and that's because of answered prayers, not just my own; but families and friends prayers as well and sometimes the answer was "yes", sometimes it was "no" and sometimes it was "not right now" but they were all answered and I'm thankful.

Thankful: Week 2

There is a lot that I could write about this week and while I am thankful for all of it and would write a very long post I want to touch on one thing that kind of stands out the most.

I am thankful to be a member of God's family.

I'm truly overwhelmed with this.

God is my father. I don't know that I've ever struggled with that, it's always been a clear fact to me like: the sky is blue. But being a part of His family, being adopted into it, Him accepting me just as I am. That is hard to grasp sometimes.

Knowing several families that have adopted and seeing the adoption process here it's really opened my eyes and helped me to see God in a different light.

Before I start: Personally I have not adopted, been adopted or know everything about adoption and I'm just speaking as someone on the outside looking in so if I'm wrong I do apologize.

What I've come to see and to realize is that God truly adopts us into His family, think about it: (this does apply to biological parents as well and I know that sometimes adoptions do not go this way as there are sometimes different motives but adoption from the way I see it)

Adoptive parents spend a lot of money during the adoption process and after as they raise their child(ren)- God payed the ultimate price, He went above and beyond to be able to call us His own
Adoptive parents reach out though they keep getting pushed away - God is always reaching for us no matter how far away we push Him
Adoptive parents seek to build a loving relationship - God seeks a loving relationship with us
Adoptive parents see their children broken and hurt and still seek to bring them home and to give them the best they can - God sees us broken and hurt and still seems to bring us into His family and to guide us as we walk
Adoptive parents know it won't be easy and there will be a lot of sacrifices but they do it anyways out of love - God knew the sacrifice He would need to make in order to bring all of His sons and daughters into a relationship with Him and He did it because He loves us
Adoption is forever not temporary - We dont have three strikes and we're out of God's family. It's forever.

 God wants ALL of us to be in His family! Not just the ones that the world has classified as: beautiful, skinny, strong, smart, successful etc for we are all precious in His sight. And His family.... wow, I am very blessed to be living and working with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. The way He transforms us as we draw closer and closer to Him and we begin to resemble Him as we listen and obey and follow where He leads us is so beautiful!!! You might have been told "oh, you have your father's eyes" or "oh, you have your mothers smile" well being a member of God's family I want people to look at me and say "She has her Heavenly father's heart and passion"

I make mistakes frequently. David was a man after God's own heart and he made mistakes too. But I'm still His daughter and though sometimes I let the lies and worries get the best of me He will always love me.

Very very thankful to be a part of God's family.

Kaleidoscope World

Have you ever sat for awhile and looked through a kaleidoscope? Watched all the colors and changing patterns? Maybe found one you really like but couldn't find it once you turned or shook the tube? That's kind of what my life feels like right now, so many colors and patterns and I'm trying to find my place in it all.

The biggest thing is the children. I worked with 80 children last semester. Built relationships with them, knew them all by name, their individual little characteristics and a lot of their hard stories. Saying goodbye to them at English Camp I thought I knew which ones I would not be seeing again; seeing as we'd done pre registration for this year beforehand. I hugged them close, reminded them that Jesus and I both love them very much and that I would be praying for them. Though it was hard to say goodbye in all the chaos of three graduations, almost back to back; I felt ok about saying goodbye and there had only been 5 I thought. But coming back that was not the case and some we thought for sure were going to come back didn't. 

That was hard. 

I had said goodbye to these kids, but it wasn't the kind of goodbye that was a possibly forever goodbye! The first few days I was hit really hard with thoughts and worries and was very discouraged. Yes, I was SO happy to be back in my Haiti home but I kept battling with my mind and these thoughts as I missed the kids that were not at preschool:
"Do they know how much Jesus loves them? 
Did I do my part? 
Did they not want to come back?
Could I have done something else? 
Am I actually helping here? 
Are they going to school?
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Do they know they're loved? 
Do they know???"

Then God brought to mind a conversation I had with one of my Haitian brothers and a fellow worker at Maranatha earlier this year. It was Friday and school had been let out early as usual and there was one little girl who was waiting on her mom to come pick her up, she also had a slight fever. We waited and waited and there was no sign of her father or mother. She started to get worried and began to cry, I picked her up, brought her inside, gave her some water, half a banana and held her close, rocking gently and assuring her that everything was going to be ok. She fell asleep in my arms and I just sat there rocking and watching her sleep my mind wondering about her life, both present and future. 

He came in and asked about her, I explained the situation to him and as he sat down to lunch I began pouring out my heart to him "It's hard sending them home and not knowing what it's like or if they will be looked after properly..... I'm worried.... I want to take care of them.... I want them and their families to know God and to be safe and healthy.... I want so much for her" These words and more came pouring from my mouth and tears threatened to fall on her sleeping brow. He listened quietly, nodding his head as he ate and then when I stopped to catch my breath began saying "You know what you're doing; what we're all doing here is important.... we're planting seeds and we don't know what fruit will grow... we just teach and hope and pray.... but you're laying a foundation for them and if the foundation is strong they grow up to be Godly men and women and God knows the future Hope. We just have to trust and follow Him."

Such a wonderful reminder! God is constantly moving and changing hearts and though sometimes the colors and shapes can make our heads spin as we try to grasp what all is going on and what we're supposed to do, it truly is a beautiful, beautiful thing to watch and when you feel completely lost you have to open your eyes and take it all in and just smile and anticipate as the colors swirl by. And as you stand there He will come along, take your hand and twirl you into the middle of it at the perfect moment and direct you to the perfect place.

We are a preschool and "... all children grow up...." (peter pan) and it's hard to say goodbye not knowing where they will go or what they will do. I'm not a parent (don't plan on being one anytime soon) but as a big sister, babysitter, nanny, teacher and growing up some myself I see the world and it scares me. I see things that are allowed or people turn a blind eye too and it breaks my heart. We know that children starve to death, we know that children die from curable illnesses, we know that children do not have the money or the opportunity to go to school, we know that there are child slaves but yet we sit back send some money here or there and try not to look through the kaleidoscope at the grand design because we like it where it is and these things don't directly affect us. 

But it does.

"...Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind..." ~ John Donne

I cannot help every child and I, myself can't even truly help a child without God's help. But I can love, care for, show Jesus to and know the children that God has placed right here in front of me and the children that grow and head off to other schools or places God will have someone else there to love, care, share His gift of eternal life and know them and show them that they are precious in His sight.

Maybe it will be you.

Don't be afraid to step into this kaleidoscope world and be swept into His story, whether He takes you across the sea or down the street; it's not always easy or simple but it's always worth it.

There are now 93 children enrolled in preschool. All so beautiful. All His. And I am excited to get to know the ones that I do not know and to continue building the relationships that I have with the others that were here last year. Maranatha is doing wonderful things and continuing to grow and to follow God wherever He leads as they feed and nurture these children: spiritually, mentally and physically. They have a truly beautiful role here and I'm honored to work and to figure out and do my part in this kaleidoscope world.

Thankful Week 1

November is the month of Thanksgiving and so every Saturday/Sunday I'm going to try and write a blog about about what I'm thankful for for that week.

I spent a little less then two months in the states and through the ups and downs I am truly thankful for the time that I had there. True, I spent most of the time sleeping or at my chiropractors but when I got up and raced around there were people who made an effort and were there for me and y'all deserve a shout out.

Going back I was nervous and excited and I think I had an easier time leaving here then the friends I've made in Haiti because I knew that I was coming back very soon. But coming home after being gone was hard.

It was hard seeing that my siblings have grown so much. It was hard not getting the new inside jokes. It was hard when my nieces and nephews would rather be with a different aunt or uncle. it was hard when people that I thought I would get to see didn't make an effort to make that happen or discouraged me from going back to Haiti. It was hard when little children didn't understand my Creole. It was hard.

But, the support system God has given me was incredible.

I am thankful to my mom who put together everything for my support dinner, made the doctors appointments, reminded me to take my pills, ordered things for me, made me sleep, tried to tell me that I was still pushing myself to far and has prayed for me and loved me since the day I was born.

I am thankful for my dad and his hard work, protection, caring and strong heart and all of his prayers and love as well.

I am thankful for my siblings and the individual relationships we all have with eachother. Though some are better then others we are all still siblings and we look out for each other, pray for each other, support each other, love each other, fight with each other, listen to each other and we all laugh together.

I am thankful to the wonderful ladies that took me out for breakfast and lunch and listened as I poured out my heart and encouraged me as I shared hopes, dreams and fears though I'm sure none of them meant to talk for 3 or more hours they never said a word about it and it meant a lot.

I am thankful for my bible study group: Bonfire. For the lessons, deep conversations, friendships, laughs and over all the community that I've found there. I'm sure it's a lot quieter there now though (I have a very loud laugh)

I am thankful for my swing dancing buddies!!!! I had an absolute blast and it meant a lot to be able dance again, even if it was just for fun and not as technical as ballet.

I am thankful for my chiropractor and all of the adjustments and for putting together a garage sale where the proceeds went to my work here in Haiti.

I am thankful for my Judgment House scene 5 family, our awesome director and that I was able to play a role in it again this year.

I am thankful for making all of my connections and wonderful people to sit beside on the planes.

I am thankful to be back in Haiti and I am thankful for all of my supporters and all of the different ways that they support me!!!!

And I am eternally grateful to my Lord and Savior for everything that He has given me and all the lessons, whether they were easy or hard I'm grateful because they have made me who I am today. I am not who I want to be but God is always growing me and loving me despite all and no amount of praise and thanks I give Him will ever be enough but I'm still very grateful and look forward to following Him wherever He leads me.

Peace

Peace.

Such an interesting word. The world recognizes the famous "peace" symbol or hand sign, people pray for world peace and talk about it; but sadly most do not truly understand what peace truly is. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and His concept of peace is larger than "no fighting", it's from the Hebrew root slm, which means "to be complete" or "to be sound."

We as humans are not innately good or natural peacemakers. 

Think about, babies do not take care of themselves. Sleep is disturbed by cries from the crib, frustration arises when potty training comes around, our parents do not teach us to grab or steal toys from other children or to lie. It just sort of comes naturally. There is an emptiness inside of us, we long to be made whole and we try so hard doing SO many different things, thinking "maybe this will fill me" though we just continue to fall on our faces time and time again. Having a relationship with Jesus is what makes all the difference, there is that peace of knowing that no matter how many times you try and fail you are His and He is yours; nothing can separate you and in Him you are made complete.

It's hard to comprehend I know, but that doesn't make it any less true.

His peace and love are something that I have really been digging deeper into and figuring out the past few years. Growing up I saw God as a taskmaster and if I did one thing wrong I was going to hell. But God is love and He is peace and I have never felt such love and peace as I have while living and growing in Haiti.

4 days ago I was told that starting in January my churches financial monthly support was going to decrease, while they still supported me and my work in Haiti 100% monthly support would be less. This in fact, though scary to wake up to, was an answer to a prayer someone prayed over me the beginning of October. This may seem horrible but let me explain:

Being a missionary is not easy, here are a few reasons why (I'm using overseas as an e.g):

You will be taken out of your comfort zone; sometimes multiple times a day

Learning a new language is important to communicate with the people you live and work with

You'll move away from friends and loved ones (thank you skype but hugs are not the same)

Your job doesn't pay in money and you need to eat

Goodbye comfort foods

Asking people to support you

The devil will be working extra hard against you and your efforts

Being a missionary does not make you anymore perfect than anyone else. You are not immediately transformed, when you move overseas, into a person with endless: love, patience, joy etc. I wish it did! But no, you're still the same person you were boarding the plane as you are getting off. You still have those quirks and habits you want to kick, you may even be terrified out of your mind... but following Him where he leads and having the support of friends, family and even strangers back home is what keeps you going on those really horrible days when nothing is working and you just want to quit.

Supporting someone means that you come along side them, that they can stand and know that they will not sink or fall. It means praying for them, encouraging them in countless ways, easing their financial burden, it's giving them peace, making them feel complete, ready to do the work that God has given them to do. I only had eight monthly supporters in January and my church was a huge monthly supporter. But, it's crucial for any missionary to have a group, even a crowd of supporters. And my wonderful friend saw this and prayed that more people would come along side me and I would see just how supported and loved I was.

My church has seen this caterpillar through it's first year but it's time that this caterpillar turns into a butterfly and they make room for more supporters in order for this transformation to happen, while they continue supporting me, but not as big financially. I'm blessed. Truly I am and I have this sense of peace as my last week stateside starts tomorrow. God has this all in His hands I am now 1/2 way to being fully supported and with one time donations I'm headed back!!!

I still need monthly supporters but I know God will provide and so if you feel led to make 12 donations in the next 12 months, size does not matter. Promise.

You can go to mcmhaiti.org and donate with: support for HOPE RUEBKE in the memo. If my name is not on it it goes to the organization not to me.

OR

Send a check or have monthly withdrawals sent to:

MCM c/o Nichols Accounting

5680 E. Franklin, St. 110

Nampa, ID 83687

Thank you again for everything you guys do, no act of love or kindness is too small. May God richly bless every single one of you!

Curveball #3

Curveball #1 Health issues sending me home early

Curveball #2 Staying home an extra month

Curveball #3? My largest monthly supporter needing to cut support by 82%

82%..... Wow, what a thing to wake up to.... but you know what? God loves a challenge and He loves stretching this ballerina further than she thinks she is flexible. And so I take a deep breath and begin to write you all this post with a heavy heart placed in His hand but knowing He will provide all I need.

If you are new to this blog and to my work in Haiti, let me give you a short and sweet summary: From January to September I lived and worked in Port-au-Prince, the capital of Haiti, a little island in the Caribbean. I worked with Maranatha Children's Ministries in their preschool program January through the beginning of June. I danced with Angelfeet Dance Studio in Kansas for 10 years, 3 of those years I taught dance classes. Hearing this, the directors of Maranatha asked me to come and start a dance program. How awesome is it that God took dance, something I loved and did, is using it on the mission field?! 

I began teaching 80 preschoolers dance in the front yard of the preschool. Their progress was amazing and my heart continued to just fill with love, hope and dreams for every single one of my students. Please follow this link to read about a precious little girl and her "dance story".  

Sadly, as we work to further God's kingdom here on earth, the devil works against us and so I was hit with the Chikungunya virus (follow link for more info) in May. Talking with one of my pastors, it was brought to my attention that it really wasn't a coincidence that the virus affects joints and therefore my dancing abilities and that the virus lasted far longer than it should have. Granted I was not resting and was trucking through it which did not help. But, spiritual warfare is real.

 Haiti is spiritually dark with the presence and ancient practice of voodoo everywhere. That is not to say that God is not moving and light is not penetrating that darkness. The Christian Haitians that I know are so incredibly passionate and just radiate this beautiful light in everything they do! But after working this past summer at Maranatha's English Camp, I needed to come home for healing as well as to raise support.

Not as short and sweet as I promised, but here is the continuing story:

Some of my supporters are no longer able to support me due to job loss, medical bills etc. and I'm so very grateful to them for supporting me as much and as long as they did. But this meant that my need for monthly support was much greater and then this morning I found out about the 82% cut from my primary supporter.

I'm going to be painfully honest with you guys. I now have a total of only 7 monthly supporters and their combined effort is less than $300. They are giving sacrificially and support other missionaries. I love them all and its hard for me to accept money when I know that they give out of their little but I also know that God will richly bless them and will view their giving out of their need as more than those that give from their abundance. Doubt it? Read Mark 12:41-44 for me ;)

I'm asking each of you to consider giving a monthly donation. As small or as large as you feel led to give. One time gifts are appreciated but monthly support is where I really need it. One way of looking at it is taking a larger gift and splitting it into 12 monthly donations.

I know that most, if not all of you, are probably already supporting the Lord's work in some way and are inundated with opportunities to give more. We live in a world FULL of need & I don't like asking for money. But if you could give just $10, $20, $30 - whatever the monthly amount, it WILL make a difference. God IS faithful. We just have to take that step and open our hands. We can hold more when our hands are open then when our fists are clenched. Try it with sand, water... anything. Take a fistful of anything and see how much you really have when you open your hand. Then scoop it up with an open hand over and see the difference. 

To those of you that have:

Listened to my stories, for sometimes hours

Hugged me

Cried with me

Prayed for me

Encouraged me

Bought me coffee, tea or a scone 

Laughed with me

Allowed me to take your senior or family pictures

Reminded me to take my pills, drink water or rest

Taken me dancing or to a movie

Sent money for a new laptop

Run 12 miles to raise support for me (you know who you are Miss Awesome Trenna)

And just been wonderful friends and family members...

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's not enough to express my gratitude but it is very heartfelt and honest. I've been touched by all of you and how greatly God has blessed me. If you have given, are giving (whether to me or other people), please SHARE this.

I cannot continue my work in Haiti without your support. Please pray and consider a monthly donation, however large or small it makes a difference. I am scheduled to leave for Haiti in just 12 days IF I have enough support to return.

You can go to mcmhaiti.org and donate with: support for HOPE RUEBKE in the memo. If my name is not on it it goes to the organization not to me.

OR

Send a check or have monthly withdrawals sent to:

MCM c/o Nichols Accounting

5680 E. Franklin, St. 110

Nampa, ID 83687

Thank you again and hopefully the next blog posts will be much happier ;) I have a song for everything in my life and as I was writing this, this song came on and please listen here