Curiouser and Curiouser

"Curiouser and curiouser" cried Alice as she journeyed further into Wonderland. In the newest version of Alice in Wonderland, Alice is all grown up and returning to Wonderland, though she believes her previous journey to Wonderland to be a dream. Through out the movie the mouse, Munchkin, is very worried and keeps saying "she's the wrong Alice!" and accusing the poor rabbit that it's all his fault because he brought the wrong Alice back to Wonderland and now they were doomed because who was going to slay the jabberwocky and dethrone the wicked Queen of hearts?!

Have you ever felt out of place? Had people tell you that you don't belong? Think you can't do something because of this that or the other? Satan is the King of Lies and he does everything in his power, to discourage us from furthering the Kingdom of God. He tells us that we are inadequate, that we are unworthy and unloved. This world is so big how could we possibly make a difference? He fills are head with worries and doubts and we begin to believe his lies.

I am an overthinker. I am a worrier.

As most of you know I've had some health issues since moving to Haiti and this past May was another battle. God graciously wrapped me up in His arms and I made it through and surprisingly didn't lose a single pound! As English Camp drew closer I had some doubts as to whether I was supposed to stay for English Camp or if going back to the states to recuperate was what needed to happen.

I began to pray just asking God to show me what His plan was and talking with different people about options. I slowly started to try and put together a plan for the summer and for after the summer. I decided to stay as I knew we were short staffed and it was going to be a stretching summer whether I was here or not. English Camp began and while I was very happy to be at English Camp I think I started off on the wrong foot and continued on not really trusting that this was God's plan and doubting myself.

As Alice journeys through Wonderland, stumbling here and there, thinking that it is all a dream and thinking she's the "wrong Alice," she meets the mad hatter, an unlikely friend who is positive that she's the right Alice but tells her "You used to be a lot more... "muchier." You've lost your muchness!"

When we let worries over take our thinking, when we believe the lies Satan tells us, we lose our "muchness" we shrink smaller and smaller as our view turns inward instead of upward. Our perspective is off, everything looks bigger, scarier and you feel lonelier than you would care to admit.

Alice is taken to meet a wise, blue caterpillar named Absolem. 
Absolem - "Who are you?" 
Alice - "I'm Alice" 
Absolem - "We shall see"
Alice - "What do you mean by that? I ought to know who I am"
Absolem - "Yes you ought..."
When they show Alice the prophecy of her slaying the jabberwocky she cries that that isn't her, she is the wrong Alice. The rabbit begs Absolem to resolve the matter "Is she the right Alice?" as the caterpillar disappears he replies "not hardly"  

As the summer went on I kept worrying what things meant and whether or not I was following God's plan. Part of me was sure I was following God's plan and the other half was tired and just wanted to know for sure. God is such a gracious God. Slowly; through little things: a cool breeze during morning devotions, someone bought and left Dr Pepper, a hug, a friend with a listening ear, laughter, an encouraging word and slowly my eyes began to shift back to Him. Little reminders of His love, of who I am in His eyes not worrying about myself or where I was but knowing that He was with me and He loved me.

English Camp ended. And after an encouraging meeting with my director, Shelley. I still wasn't sure how long I'm supposed to stay here or what's best for my health.
Sunday we all piled into the pick up and headed to church; this particular Sunday we had a guest worship leader and as we began to worship all I wanted was to be in God's presence, unashamed, lost in His beauty. As I worshiped my heart became lighter and then a song I hadn't heard before began to play. As I read the words I felt the wind get knocked out of me, tears began to flow as the truth of the words hit me full force and I began to sob.

 "I've heard a thousand stories of what they think You're like
but I've heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night You tell me that You're pleased and that I'm never alone You're a Good, Good Father It's who you are, It's who you are, It's who you are and I'm loved by you It's who I am, It's who I am, It's who I am I've seen many searching for answers far and wide But I know we're all searching for answers only You provide Because You know just what we need before we say a word You're a Good, Good Father It's who you are, It's who you are, It's who you are and I'm loved by you It's who I am, It's who I am, It's who I am You are perfect in all of your ways You are perfect in all of your ways You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Alice still isn't sure whether she is the right Alice or not. She talks with Absolem for the last time:
Alice: ...don't go! I need your help, I don't know what to do
Absolem: I can't help you if you don't even know who you are, stupid girl
Alice: I'm not stupid! My name is Alice. I live in London. I have a mother named Helen and a sister named Margaret. My father was Charles Kingsley, he had a vision that stretched halfway around the world and nothing ever stopped him! I'm his daughter. I'm Alice Kingsley.
Absolem: Alice at last!
When Alice remembers who her father was and that she was his daughter, everything changed. We should be the same way. Our God is a good good Father, it's who He is. I don't know if you have a good father or have a good fatherly example in your life. I do. And though I've heard a thousand times that God is our Father and I've called Him my Father; I've never really known Him as a father or compared my earthly father and my heavenly father. My dad has told me several times that he is proud of me throughout my life and every time it's felt like he's given me the greatest gift. 

I want to follow God, no matter what, no matter where, no matter when. But it's turned into this stressful mess when it doesn't need to be; God is perfect in all of His ways, and He has the answers, which He will tell me all in good time because He's a good good father. He doesn't tell us His entire plan for our lives and He doesn't make us go down certain paths or do certain things but lovingly nudges us forward, sends us people to help guide us or teach us along the way (because we all need a mad hatter in our lives) everything gets curiouser and curiouser as we continue on, trusting a little more here and a little more there, beginning to see all the pieces fitting together until one day we figure out who we are. That we are the "right Alice", we're God's children and we slay our jabberwockys/demons and dethrone the King of lies in our lives. God made us for a specific purpose; whatever that purpose is it's terrifying and incredibly beautiful all at the same time and through His strength we can and will accomplish great and wonderful things for His kingdom.

My name is Hope. I live in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti. My father is God; He had a vision that reached across the entire world and nothing ever stopped Him! I'm His daughter. I'm Hope.

Who are you?

To Fix

To fix, the Merriam Webster Dictionary gives these definitions: 

Fix
: to make (something) whole or able to work properly again: to repair (something)
: to deal with or correct (a problem) : to attach (something) in such a way that it will not move : to connect or join (things) physically

We're told to "fix" our eyes on Jesus in Hebrews 12:12(NIV) and in devotions over the last couple months God keeps bringing this back to me and to "be still and know that He is God" Psalm 46:10. I'm not good at being still; I like to be working on something, reading, listening to someone or music, doing something at all times otherwise I don't feel like I'm doing, anything... ha funny right? Sometimes we have good intentions, our servant hearts are pounding away, our eyes take in all the need and our hands and feet move and move and move. But, if our eyes are not fixed on God; if He is not driving us and moving us; it's all for not. Jesus says in Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"

I had a deep talk with a wonderful friend a while back who, along with her husband, is the head of mobilization with an organization that is very close to my heart. We talked about how being a missionary is tough, both stateside and overseas. The: culture shock, asking people to sponsor you, learning the language, illness, dealing with the hardest of hearts, cultivating relationships etc, is all tough but I think all missionaries will tell you that the culmination of all of that and what is driven out of you is the toughest. I'm not talking about exhaustion. I'm talking about deep spiritual things, that "dark side" you didn't know you had, the past that you can't get away from that rises to the surface because becoming a missionary, you are not transformed into a perfect person when you step off the plane or start a Bible study etc in your hometown. You're just not. Sorry to burst y'alls bubbles but you are still you and if you have things that you have tucked away, hidden out of sight they will rise up and it's not a pretty thing. Some people come back broken and needing counseling, I know a handful of them stateside. 

I'm not saying these people failed or if you're there that you are failing. No. We're all in the same boat. We're all humans and hopefully this will be a good reminder not a beating.

We tend to forget that God is our Friend and Healer. We put Him in this box where He's God. And that's it. He's way up there and He's God. Too high to care about me, too high to accept my guilt and shame, too high and mighty to be anything but... God. Well; why don't you let God decide? Why don't you trust God with all of that? Let me put the definitions for fix a little differently:

Fix
: For God to make you whole or able to work properly again: to repair/heal you

: For God to deal with or correct a problem : For you to attach, to draw near in such a way that you will not be moved by the world : to connect or join spiritually

Put's "fix your eyes on God" in a different light, right? It's not "look at God"/"Look but do not talk or touch God. No, it's trusting God. It's letting Him heal and work in and through you. It's being held in His arms and being His daughter or son and not trying to do it yourself because, though you might be able to carry on for awhile you will eventually stumble and fall. I know because I've been there. I still stumble and fall and try to pull that burden back onto my shoulders. I wrestle. But God, He is continually chipping away and sculpting me into something beautiful. He doesn't make mistakes.

I love butterflies. They are a constant reminder of God's transforming power, you might feel imprisoned by your chrysalis, the change hurts and it's taking f.o.r.e.v.e.r...... but, we are new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17) and it's always worth it! God doesn't put us through unnecessary pain, His chisel didn't slip, that wasn't an "oops" because God doesn't make mistakes. How incredible and wonderful is that?! 

This next week, as we think on Jesus' sacrifice I encourage you to fix your eyes on Jesus, to let Jesus take those hurts and pains to the cross, to hand whatever it is over and let Him deal with it, to draw near to Him so that you can stand strong and continue on. The choice to let go is not easy but once you've opened your hand it's gone, it's truly gone.