To Fix

To fix, the Merriam Webster Dictionary gives these definitions: 

Fix
: to make (something) whole or able to work properly again: to repair (something)
: to deal with or correct (a problem) : to attach (something) in such a way that it will not move : to connect or join (things) physically

We're told to "fix" our eyes on Jesus in Hebrews 12:12(NIV) and in devotions over the last couple months God keeps bringing this back to me and to "be still and know that He is God" Psalm 46:10. I'm not good at being still; I like to be working on something, reading, listening to someone or music, doing something at all times otherwise I don't feel like I'm doing, anything... ha funny right? Sometimes we have good intentions, our servant hearts are pounding away, our eyes take in all the need and our hands and feet move and move and move. But, if our eyes are not fixed on God; if He is not driving us and moving us; it's all for not. Jesus says in Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"

I had a deep talk with a wonderful friend a while back who, along with her husband, is the head of mobilization with an organization that is very close to my heart. We talked about how being a missionary is tough, both stateside and overseas. The: culture shock, asking people to sponsor you, learning the language, illness, dealing with the hardest of hearts, cultivating relationships etc, is all tough but I think all missionaries will tell you that the culmination of all of that and what is driven out of you is the toughest. I'm not talking about exhaustion. I'm talking about deep spiritual things, that "dark side" you didn't know you had, the past that you can't get away from that rises to the surface because becoming a missionary, you are not transformed into a perfect person when you step off the plane or start a Bible study etc in your hometown. You're just not. Sorry to burst y'alls bubbles but you are still you and if you have things that you have tucked away, hidden out of sight they will rise up and it's not a pretty thing. Some people come back broken and needing counseling, I know a handful of them stateside. 

I'm not saying these people failed or if you're there that you are failing. No. We're all in the same boat. We're all humans and hopefully this will be a good reminder not a beating.

We tend to forget that God is our Friend and Healer. We put Him in this box where He's God. And that's it. He's way up there and He's God. Too high to care about me, too high to accept my guilt and shame, too high and mighty to be anything but... God. Well; why don't you let God decide? Why don't you trust God with all of that? Let me put the definitions for fix a little differently:

Fix
: For God to make you whole or able to work properly again: to repair/heal you

: For God to deal with or correct a problem : For you to attach, to draw near in such a way that you will not be moved by the world : to connect or join spiritually

Put's "fix your eyes on God" in a different light, right? It's not "look at God"/"Look but do not talk or touch God. No, it's trusting God. It's letting Him heal and work in and through you. It's being held in His arms and being His daughter or son and not trying to do it yourself because, though you might be able to carry on for awhile you will eventually stumble and fall. I know because I've been there. I still stumble and fall and try to pull that burden back onto my shoulders. I wrestle. But God, He is continually chipping away and sculpting me into something beautiful. He doesn't make mistakes.

I love butterflies. They are a constant reminder of God's transforming power, you might feel imprisoned by your chrysalis, the change hurts and it's taking f.o.r.e.v.e.r...... but, we are new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17) and it's always worth it! God doesn't put us through unnecessary pain, His chisel didn't slip, that wasn't an "oops" because God doesn't make mistakes. How incredible and wonderful is that?! 

This next week, as we think on Jesus' sacrifice I encourage you to fix your eyes on Jesus, to let Jesus take those hurts and pains to the cross, to hand whatever it is over and let Him deal with it, to draw near to Him so that you can stand strong and continue on. The choice to let go is not easy but once you've opened your hand it's gone, it's truly gone.

Rest Easy

"You better rest while you're there" she said giving me a big hug as I said goodbye the night before I headed home. She said this sternly but with all the love in the world and I felt it. On the one side I didn't want to go home, I knew there were things to be done and by the time I returned we were hoping that over half of the kids in the children's home would be with their forever families and I would miss meeting their families and saying goodbye and what if school started?! I was so tempted to change my flight so I could meet one of the parents that was flying in the day I left and we would miss each other by a couple hours. I struggled with this but I felt His hand on me telling me that I needed to go home now for a short time so that I could stay for a longer time. And so I boarded the plane with half my heart left in Haiti but knowing this was His plan and having my mind set to enjoy my time and to rest so I could come back.

Part of resting meant: healing and healing meant: medicine and medicine meant: a trip to the doctors office.  So, I went to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. I don't like hospitals or doctors offices, if I'm being completely honest, the thought of them makes me nauseous and having to spend any time in them just doesn't sit well with me. It's not like I've had horrible experiences or anything... it's kind of like peoples fear for the dentist. I've never been afraid of the dentist but doctors is another story. However, my mom and I walked in with the comfort of a warm starbucks in hand and took a seat. It was not a good C-virus day and me not wanting to be there didn't help with anything either. When our doctor came in and began talking, her words were "... she looks like she went through some rough stuff, the light thats normally in her eyes isn't, it isn't there and that worries me." it took me back hearing this; was it really that noticeable or that bad?! Yes, I felt bad but it wasn't... that bad surely!

I told her that I was only staying a month and she began talking to me about how she felt it would be wise to take another month off, how the poor will always be with us, that going back at 50% I will decrease faster than if I waited to go back till I was 100%, she continued talking about how Jesus rested and it took everything not to start bawling as she spoke these words to me. I knew she was speaking truth but I didn't want to believe it. Yes, I wasn't as 100% but it wasn't that bad and I would be ready to go in a month.

But when the test results came back and my thyroid levels were not where they should be my dr put me on medicine that would last 4 weeks and I would need to be checked once the medicine was gone to make sure the dosage was right; my flight was scheduled to leave in two weeks.

I choked up as I spoke in front of my church; when my Pastor asked me to tell them why I wanted to go back and how Haiti had captured my heart.

I started to cry as I put together a powerpoint to show at a fundraiser dinner I had and I put off writing a speech till a couple days before. My heart ached as all the sweet little faces popped up one right after the other, their little voices calling my head and I wanted nothing more than to be there with them. I wrote a speech, knowing that I would just cry if I didn't have a something set (though I didn't follow it to the letter) and it would be a good distraction.

I was not happy. I was angry.

Not angry at God, my doctor, family, friends or even complete strangers; though I think they all might have felt that I was and an angry outburst or two probably didn't help with their feelings but I was angry with myself. All the stress,  culture shock, worries and aches bubbled over and were misdirected.

And so I basically ran, ran away from it all to find myself sobbing to a dear friend on a mission campus in Oklahoma City and that's where He found me and I found.... me.

There are 2 things I've done for as long as I can remember:
     #1. Pushed myself through things. Thinking "it's not that bad" and "I can do this!" or the fact that "there are other people worse off than I am and doing way more things than I am"
     #2. Beat myself up when I mess something up no matter how little it is.

One of my best friends taught me a long time ago that there are always 2 perspectives: yours and the other persons and that I should to try and look through both perspectives and then apply to God's word before doing anything rash. Well tried to teach me would be a better description as I usually ended up just kicking myself about it.

I've believed a lot of lies about myself growing up. Not necessarily lies that people fed or told me but ones that I gathered or took the wrong way. And these weighed on me; I thought and saw the best in people but the worst in myself.

But, God has helped me begin to untangle this web, piece by piece through: His word and countless people showing and telling me that taking care of myself is not selfish and is critical when you're working in and for God's Kingdom (which should be wherever you are in life)

I never saw myself as enough or believed that I was enough. I knew what God said, I knew that without Him we aren't enough, I knew I had Him, I knew other people were enough but for some reason I was excluded in my head. I encouraged and built other people up but tore myself down. Have you ever been told to "drink your own medicine" or to "listen to your own advice" or something along those lines? Well; I needed to be told that and God gave me four incredible friends in Haiti, the wonderful mom of my Haiti family and the house mama of the childrens home to tell and show me that I was a precious in God's eyes. Each in their own way sat me down and spoke truth into me and I cannot thank them all enough but I do say a very heartfelt thank you to: My Haiti mamas, good cop, bad cop, captain awesome and my canadian "mother" for everything they have said and done for me.

I'm still a work in progress. I'm still needing healing and rest (and I still feel like a lazy lump) but little by little I'm understanding more and being changed a little more to the beautiful masterpiece that He created me to be.

There was a song that I took to Haiti and I forgot about during the summer. Music has always played a big role in my life through dance, playing instruments and singing. And this song I feel God speaking to me and it is written by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Andrew Peterson. The chorus is:

You don't have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy

God says this about each and every single one of us. I write this with not only myself in mind but several missionary families and people that I know are breaking their backs and feeling beaten and lost. It's ok to rest in His arms for as long as it takes. 

He loves you.
He delights in you.
He sings over you! 

Yes! Isn't that such a comforting thought?! In the end it's you and Him not everyone you've ever met judging you, but you're loving Savior. If you need to rest then rest and rest easy however hard it may be or seem God wants you to rest and be at the fullest of your abilities. So together lets rest easy in Him though we see the work ahead and yearn to do it; rest because He knows your heart and has seen your work and is not judging or angry with you. This is not a punishment; but a gift.

Enough

It's easy to be frustrated and discouraged here. 

Or anywhere really. 

But all the little things will eventually add up and sometimes you just want to throw up your hands walk to the corner and sit with your arms over your head and your knees to your chest pretending that nothing exists, that children are not running wild and that people are not waiting on you to bring order to the caos that swirling around you since you are in fact, the teacher.

A lot has happened in the past month leading up to and during the past weeks of English camp. Both good and bad things. I had some hard personal struggles and heartaches and was hit really hard with some family news. Plus my ever present Chikungunya. And though I didn't realize it slowly I was picking up "rocks" and adding them to the basket I'd strapped over my shoulders and it was becoming heavier and heavier with every restless night and every rock not handed into God's caring hands. 

I'm not a muscular person. Our great big night guard has even given me the nickname of little mosquito because I can punch him as hard as I can an he "doesn't notice" all this to say, the weight I was carrying began to be to much and the day came when I was scrambling picking up all the rocks that Satan was pelting at me and I broke under the weight I'd placed on myself. 

It wasn't pretty. Words flew like fists from my mouth, anger rattled my bones and I fell in the Haitian dust and dirt.

But God.

Pause for a moment; I love that so much, it sums up our God so well in just two little words: but God.

But God did not leave me there; mind spinning, heart aching, cheeks burning with shame, eyes watering I stumbled my way back to the house where God placed exactly who I needed in my path. Seeing her I began to put my walls back up and tried to be strong; but God knew what I needed and He tore down the wall I tried to build and I fell into her embrace a complete wreck.

We were in the last classes of camp and she could have easily told me to go lay down or wash my face or any number of things and waited until after camp had finished. But she took the time to hold me as my shame and frustration poured out in a flood of salt and when it was time to talk she spoke only truth and love to me. Pointing out things I thought had gone unnoticed and thanking me for all my work.

I've never felt like I'm enough, 

Enough of anything really. 

Or enough to make anyone happy or proud of me. I could always do or be better or do or be more never truly satisfied or happy with myself I created a pit and an easy target for the devil to push and pull me with. 

Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, so that no one can boast"

I don't know how many times I have heard this Bible verse, or how many times I've been told that it is NOT works that "get you into heaven" and yet I work as if my salvation depends on it instead of working solely for God's glory and His kingdom. I work myself until I physically cannot work any longer, worrying the whole time whether or not its going to be enough.

I'm not perfect

I stumble fall, cry and fail as much as the next person. But I have this eternal hope and I have a God that says I am enough for Him and He wants to be with me for all eternity. And so dear reader I encourage you to take time, to rest in His loving arms, grace is an unmerited favor, let Him work through you instead of you working and worrying yourself into a frenzy. God delights in You and He isn't watching you and keeping score. 

He loves you and you're enough for Him