June Health Update

I've mentioned this before but the song "It Is Well With My Soul" is one of my favorite hymns, not just because of the beautiful melody or the faith portrayed in the lyrics but also because the faith of the author (click here to read that post) when he wrote it. It's hard to stay positive when it seems things are falling apart, when family members are taken "too soon", when this world keeps heading down a destructive path, when you keep getting knocked down over and over again, when an ending is not in sight. I'm finding myself in that place this week as several things have gone wrong and I received the test results from a second zyto test.

But let's back up

January - I slept on the couch for several weeks, as laying down flat I felt like my lungs were going to explode, I waddled around but just sitting up was exhausting and slept a large percentage of the time. The second week we started to take out the stitches but the incision site started reopening! Waited another week before they came out but then placed butterfly bandages on them to make sure they stayed, silly little thing :p The end of January I got the results of my first zyto test - my endocrine system and liver were stressed, I had a flatworm, and there were several foods I should avoid as my body wasn't liking them. The list included wheat, turkey and cows milk among other things.

Highlights: Meeting my newest niece Tess, attending and helping photograph the birth of my newest nephew Alex, time with family, sleep ;)

February - I was walking more easily but, an evening out, even just to a movie and dinner, mean't I would be down for several days after. I started taking pills and doing my best to drink a pitcher or more of water a day, and usually succeeded! It was also recommended to do three weeks of colonics, there was a nice little place in Wichita and it did help but was not something I looked forward to going to twice a week. Also started experimenting with Kale since I was supposed to stay away from spinach. No to it in smoothies (tastes like bug spray) but added to eggs with some italian seasoning and cayenne pepper, delicious!

Highlights: my birthday, our foreign exchange student's birthday, evening out with my parents, doing a table on Haiti for mission fest at my church, playing with nieces and nephews who could now remember my name ;) Visit from a dear mentor also known as the peach lady ;) Started driving near the end of the month! Painful but worth it!

March - While still tired easily I was up more and got to help with my old dance studios photo shoot! So much fun to see some of my old team mates, little girls I used to teach who aren't so little anymore and to feel of some use again. My legs, arms and hands would tire very easily and carrying a cup of tea felt like a 5Ib ball in my hand. If I stood for too long my legs would start to ache and than shake so I tried to still sit as much as possible.
I was asked to start doing preschool with three little girls from Pakistan to help them learn english and try to give their pregnant momma a break for a couple hours as 3 little girls under the age of 4 is a bit of a handful ;) I didn't speak any Urdu and it's nowhere near French or Kreyol, surprise surprise, but we had fun building with legos, lincoln logs, learning shapes, coloring, singing and they picked up on things very fast!

Highlights: My brother bridged over into boyscouts, my family drove to Manhattan for a Rend Collective concert (one of my favorite bands) finished colonics, got a massage and my favorite chai tea from the best coffee shop in my town, spring, trip to Kansas City for spring break with the family, got to spend time with old friends.

April - Had good and bad days but it seemed more good days. Still resting a lot, reading, journaling, sleeping but more active! Body aches were still an almost daily thing and if I did too much I could definitely feel it the next day. Still not standing for too long but all around felt like I was making some baby steps forward. As you may or may not know I have a passion for photography, I do not consider myself a professional as I have quite a bit to learn but, I had started photographing again in February for a birth and did another birth in April, I was so thrilled to be able to start doing something that I love again that wasn't to stressful on my body and was a way to bless people around me. I decided to pursue it a little more and ask some local photographers if I could shadow them, I put out some messages and Megan Hein Photography replied back giving me the chance to shadow an upcoming engagement session as well as couple weddings in May! What a blessing!

Highlights: my Pakistani girls got a new baby brother, there was one day I wasn't freezing and wore shorts! I got to help plan and throw my sister a roaring 20's mystery dinner for her 15th birthday! I had the opportunity to put together some photo books for Maranatha which was fun to go through photos and gave me something meaningful to do.

May - I was beginning to feel more like myself, I was drinking plenty of water, taking pills, and wasn't as tired though still spending a lot of time reading and resting in my room. This month was full of graduations for my family as my sister graduated from high school, brother from Hutch Community College and my sister and father from Newman University (my dad with his masters woot woot!) I was tired after each event but not in a need to go lay down and sleep for forever kind of way and am able to stand a little longer, progress! I started shadowing Megan Hein who is an absolute joy to work with and her passion and ministry is as beautiful as her photography skills. I'm picking up a lot and it's so nice to be helpful after laying around like a bump on a log ;)

Highlights: watching parents and sister run a half marathon, celebrating 3 sisters birthdays, graduations, shadowing 2 weddings and doing senior pictures for my Krgy sister.

That brings us to June - Since I was feeling so much better I had some high hopes for this next test and I was really hoping to get the "ok" from my doctor to fly back to Haiti for the last week or two of English Camp! I would of course promise to be a good patient, take all my pills, drink plenty of water etc, no big deal right? Wrong. test results don't lie and though I'm "feeling" 60% better the report showed that my: liver, endocrine system, pancreas and neurotransmitters were stressed. I still had parasites, and added to the list was: clostridium and staph infections as well as B-complex, calcium, magnesium, manganese, vitamin-E and vitamin-C deficiencies.... on the plus side my doctor reassured me that I'm NOT going crazy as I've been having trouble concentrating and remembering things, my transmitters are stressed giving me something similar to what they call "pregnancy brain" no I'm NOT pregnant just dealing with a lot going on in side this body so.... good news! Also, I can have milk, spinach and turkey again ;)

I did cry though. I really tried not to, but when my doctors response about Haiti was "I won't tell you "no" if you're absolutely positive that God wants you to go. But, you need to understand that it will definitely increase your recovery time" I knew, that I wasn't going to camp and God was shutting the crack that I'd made in that closed door. My mom comforted me in the thought that it wasn't closed forever just this summer. I reached out to my Haiti crew (3 wonderful friends from Boston, Canada and Texas I'd made while living there) letting them know the news and each of them, knowing my pain and sharing in my passion came alongside me encouraging me that I was in the palm of God's hand and He wasn't done with me yet. Very thankful for these lovely ladies, they're my gems.

As the day went on, through all my tears and disappointment in myself God was there. Speaking to me, encouraging me and reminding me that I'm where I'm supposed to be and not being able to go to Haiti doesn't mean I'm any less loved by or useful to my loving Savior.

I don't know if it's just me, or if every missionary that returns home from overseas sick goes through this battle of not feeling like they did enough, finding it hard to "fit" back into their previous home life etc etc but I encourage you that if you know someone whose returned from the mission field to truly reach out to them, invite them over, listen to their stories even if you can't relate. The little things mean so very much. And please don't take this as me whining and asking for attention. I'm so blessed and am thankful for the people that have kept up, encouraged and visited with me. It's truly a blessing.

I'm also very thankful for this time with my family that I missed way more than I thought and who've grown in so many different ways. I don't know what this next month or the rest of this year holds. God's plan doesn't always "make sense" to us but than again it doesn't really have to when we know who God is and that He works all things out for good.

Waiting

*I will be writing another blog post at some point, detailing more of my health journey the past few months, but this was what was on my heart to share with you today.

The world is a scary place, it's always been but, as I'm growing older it seems especially daunting what with: the threat of ISIS, the presidential race, a horrible mass shooting 15min from my families homes, fires that have burned thousands of acres of farmland and homes, the attack on godly morals in the USA, the normality of broken families, the lack of true relationships and an uncertain future in this world that's going downhill fast... but wait, the future, however we may feel and worry about it, is extremely certain. Jesus taking up humanity, dying and coming back to life was not for a lost cause! This world will not last, Satan doesn't have the final say, Jesus made a way for us to live and to be with Him forever, that is the GREATEST news we will ever receive!

We forget this truth in the midst of our fears. Faith and life is not always easy and hey Jesus' life wasn't easy! But, where your focus is and what your attitude is, changes everything. If we're focusing on God, trusting that His will and timing are perfect, that fear is transformed to faith and our attitude is not one that is not giving up on the world but sees the hope and potential in people. 

One of my favorite Bible stories is Joseph. Joseph knew a thing or two about waiting - I often forget that Joseph's story doesn't take place in a couple of months. He was imprisoned for over 3 years and 15 years passed before he saw his dream come true. What has always stood out to me is Joseph's character while he was waiting for God's plan and blessings, he was: faithful, loving, kind and trusted God even though he had been sold into slavery and imprisoned for something he didn't do! In the end we see that God was preparing Joseph to become second in command of all Egypt through the many trials Joseph encountered.
God has done and will do great things with and through us, but, if we're focused on ourselves or caught up in fear, we will miss opportunities. God doesn't need us and honestly there are billions of other people He can use, and He will if we're not open and willing to His leading.

Waiting on God, trusting Him through this life is not always fun and easy, but where in the Bible was the promise that it would be?  

Matthew 10:22 "You will be hated by all because of My name" 

Luke 21:16-17 "But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death, and you will be hated by all because of My name." 

Acts 14:22 "Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God."

2 Timothy 3:12 "Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."

Philippians 1:29 "For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake,

1 John 3:13 Do not be surprised, brethren, if the world hates you.
Wow.... ok, didn't need that reminder Hope! Sorry! However, it's the truth but, the second half of that promise are found in some of the following:
Romans 5:3–4 "... but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good, to those who love God to those who are called according to His purpose"Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation[ has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted  beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."2 Corinthians 4:7–12 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed"

Revelation 2:10

'Do not fear what you are about to suffer....Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life"

It has been 4 months since I had surgery and flew back to Kansas. This is my first blog post this year and I do have to admit that my focus and attitude have not always been where and what they should be (I'm still human sorry; I know you're shocked) I've been frustrated, angry, worried and felt completely lost. I'm not healing as fast as I would like to be and I feel like a waste of space some days. However, I'm having more good health days then bad, I've had some fun times with a couple of friends and my family and God reminds me on a daily basis that our worth is not determined by our works and God rested on the 7th day and Jesus took time to rest and be rejuvenated. I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Waiting. 

To Fix

To fix, the Merriam Webster Dictionary gives these definitions: 

Fix
: to make (something) whole or able to work properly again: to repair (something)
: to deal with or correct (a problem) : to attach (something) in such a way that it will not move : to connect or join (things) physically

We're told to "fix" our eyes on Jesus in Hebrews 12:12(NIV) and in devotions over the last couple months God keeps bringing this back to me and to "be still and know that He is God" Psalm 46:10. I'm not good at being still; I like to be working on something, reading, listening to someone or music, doing something at all times otherwise I don't feel like I'm doing, anything... ha funny right? Sometimes we have good intentions, our servant hearts are pounding away, our eyes take in all the need and our hands and feet move and move and move. But, if our eyes are not fixed on God; if He is not driving us and moving us; it's all for not. Jesus says in Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"

I had a deep talk with a wonderful friend a while back who, along with her husband, is the head of mobilization with an organization that is very close to my heart. We talked about how being a missionary is tough, both stateside and overseas. The: culture shock, asking people to sponsor you, learning the language, illness, dealing with the hardest of hearts, cultivating relationships etc, is all tough but I think all missionaries will tell you that the culmination of all of that and what is driven out of you is the toughest. I'm not talking about exhaustion. I'm talking about deep spiritual things, that "dark side" you didn't know you had, the past that you can't get away from that rises to the surface because becoming a missionary, you are not transformed into a perfect person when you step off the plane or start a Bible study etc in your hometown. You're just not. Sorry to burst y'alls bubbles but you are still you and if you have things that you have tucked away, hidden out of sight they will rise up and it's not a pretty thing. Some people come back broken and needing counseling, I know a handful of them stateside. 

I'm not saying these people failed or if you're there that you are failing. No. We're all in the same boat. We're all humans and hopefully this will be a good reminder not a beating.

We tend to forget that God is our Friend and Healer. We put Him in this box where He's God. And that's it. He's way up there and He's God. Too high to care about me, too high to accept my guilt and shame, too high and mighty to be anything but... God. Well; why don't you let God decide? Why don't you trust God with all of that? Let me put the definitions for fix a little differently:

Fix
: For God to make you whole or able to work properly again: to repair/heal you

: For God to deal with or correct a problem : For you to attach, to draw near in such a way that you will not be moved by the world : to connect or join spiritually

Put's "fix your eyes on God" in a different light, right? It's not "look at God"/"Look but do not talk or touch God. No, it's trusting God. It's letting Him heal and work in and through you. It's being held in His arms and being His daughter or son and not trying to do it yourself because, though you might be able to carry on for awhile you will eventually stumble and fall. I know because I've been there. I still stumble and fall and try to pull that burden back onto my shoulders. I wrestle. But God, He is continually chipping away and sculpting me into something beautiful. He doesn't make mistakes.

I love butterflies. They are a constant reminder of God's transforming power, you might feel imprisoned by your chrysalis, the change hurts and it's taking f.o.r.e.v.e.r...... but, we are new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17) and it's always worth it! God doesn't put us through unnecessary pain, His chisel didn't slip, that wasn't an "oops" because God doesn't make mistakes. How incredible and wonderful is that?! 

This next week, as we think on Jesus' sacrifice I encourage you to fix your eyes on Jesus, to let Jesus take those hurts and pains to the cross, to hand whatever it is over and let Him deal with it, to draw near to Him so that you can stand strong and continue on. The choice to let go is not easy but once you've opened your hand it's gone, it's truly gone.

Still Alive

Hey guys!
Can you believe it's March already?! Time flies so fast; grateful that every day is a day to walk and grow closer to our Savior Jesus Christ wherever we are :) February was crazy and while many of you heard from me through email I did not update my blog. So, thought I should give y'all an update and let you know that I am in fact, still alive! Here is: What happened in February!

First week - My wonderful directors, Byron and Shelley Tlucek celebrated their wedding anniversary with a much needed trip to Florida without 5 kids in tow. They left on a Thursday and the weekend went by without a hitch! However, it seems that Haiti knows when they leave the country and decides to throw a temper tantrum; like a preschooler. This time there were manifestations over gas prices and the public transportations (tap taps) were not running; which means protestors, riots, people unable to get to school or work and everything over, under and in between. God protected us from everything but it was a rough two days where we had a 1/2 day with 1/4 of the students and teachers and had to cancel the second day because it simply wasn't safe. The kids trickled back in the rest of the week but there was still a cloud of unrest that hovered over our little island in the sun.

Second week - A few weeks prior Shelley and Byron offered to buy a plane ticket to Florida as a birthday present. My best friend and I dreamed up what we were going to do on our 21st birthdays in jr high never dreaming that she would be married and living in Florida and I would be teaching dance and preschool in Haiti.  The ticket was bought! However, that Monday more manifestations were scheduled and the US Embassy had sent a text telling people to stay off the streets. I was nervous waking up Monday morning, we'd already canceled school and my flight wasn't until 3:00. Unlike the previous Monday smoke from tires and cars burning was not detected and it was strangely quiet; if you have little kids this is usually a very bad sign and having had 5 younger siblings and 88 preschoolers I wasn't sure how to take this. Needless to say I had a flight to catch and we headed off to the airport. The streets were empty! I probably could have counted less than 30 people on the streets from our house to the airport which is crazyyy. I feel like God took us under His wing and hid us from less than friendly eyes as we traveled; anything, literally anything is possible with God :)
  I was off to Florida at last! My best friend worked the mornings into the early afternoon which was actually perfect as I slept until 10-11ish every morning, took a hot shower (I will forever appreciate those) and was able to spend a couple hours in God's word, journaling, reading and just... being still.

Be still and know that I am God ~ H.e.r Photography

Thursday we went dress shopping, it was very different as there was no bargaining or people trying to get me to buy certain things and in a way I was ok with that but I missed the relationship you build with the person and the banter you can sometimes have with a shop owner. Needless to say we had a fun time laughing and finding the most "interesting" dresses. We did finf the perfect dresses at ROSS' for 1/4 of the original price though!

Friday, my birthday, we dressed up and were of to the Cheesecake factory! We had decided that we were just going to trust God and not worry about anything and though traffic at first was a little heavy, we made it to our destination only 15min late and were able to get a table immediately! Angela asked if they do anything special for birthdays since it was my birthday, the waitress told us that they could write Happy Birthday on the cheesecake but that was it. I laughed and told her not to worry as we were celebrating both our birthdays. But, when they brought out the cheesecake, a single candle was lit on both and an Italian waiter came out and sang Happy Birthday :)

Saturday I flew to Kansas for my 3rd oldest sisters wedding! It was a crazy time as final preparations were underway but everything came together and it was truly a beautiful wedding. I'm excited for these two as they begin their life together even though we're an ocean apart we're never far in heart.

Flew back home to Haiti a couple days after the wedding and jumped right back into my Haiti life :) So that is your February update! I'm still alive and God continues to work in and through me and to grow me in all different ways and I'm praying He continues to do the same in all of your lives.

Thankful Week 4

The end of the week is wrapping up! There is good and blessings in every day and certainly every week. We did have a lot of news that was hard, some tears escaped and it made for a long week.

I am thankful that Jesus walks beside us, holds everything in His hands and that I am a work in progress.

I struggle with different things about myself. A lot of things actually... self worth being one of the biggest ones and I'm very sensitive. I shared my testimony this summer and bawled the whole way through it. I know that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and in the hard and weak points of my life these things become twisted as I dwell on them and become like chains that I wind and trap myself in; and all the while God is speaking to me and holding His hands out; just waiting for me hand them over. But it's hard, and though I want to hand them over it's a daily choice because somehow, if I don't continually hand things over to Him, I find myself wrapped back up in my chains of "worthlessness" once again. 

But you know something? God is pleased with me. I am His daughter and though I push myself and feel horrible when things don't turn out perfectly; He is pleased with me. With us, all of us! Because He knows our thoughts and our hearts. Things don't have to be perfect for God to love us or "notice" us; He loved us when we didn't even know Him, He loved us in all our mess. He LOVES us.

Wow. Just let that sink in.

We are His children and He is the perfect fathe, continually helping His children to learn and to grow from the dried and broken ground into a beautiful creation reaching for the Son.

There is a song by Brandon Heath called Wait and See and some of the lyrics are: 

the farther out I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm not here for nothin'

He's up to somethin'

...

There is hope for me yet

Because God won't forget

All the plans He's made for me

I have to wait and see

He's not finished with me yet

Shall We Dance?

Started dance this past week! Took the first week off to: adjust back into my Haiti home, learn the new schedule of the preschool, as well as all 38 names of the children that are new to Maranatha's preschool program. Which was a blessing as adjusting back was not as easy as I thought it would be.

Last school year was my first year teaching in Haiti and we learned a lot about the do's and don'ts of teaching dance in Haiti. This year I have new space! My director had the brilliant idea to move dance class inside the carport, no more standing water, the temptation of the swing set or danger of falling coconuts, etc. I now have three walls in my classroom and it's helped immensely as far as keeping the class together and organized! It's only been the first week and I can already tell the difference from last year.

Also, my director changed the schedule of the classes and stations so that we split all of the classes into three groups, on Mondays the A groups have dance class, Wednesday the B groups and on Fridays the C groups. In each group there are 10-11 kids which is very different from simply splitting the classes in half and changing stations at the halfway point. Though this does mean that I no longer have a helper or a translator, yikes! I did pray that I would be learning more creole though before I returned. Don't you love God's sense of humor?!

Monday, the first day of dance class, was hectic. Kids were running around, not listening or obeying, some refusing to do anything and then 2's schedule got all mixed up and I had two classes instead of one; needless to say it was discouraging. But first days are supposed to be tough, they make the progress of the year more exciting and worth it... right? Yes, however this was not my attitude when I woke up Wednesday. I felt like Satan just hung a dark cloud over me as I sat on the floor of my bedroom having not slept well the night before, thoughts of whether what I was doing was worth it or even right hounding me and the C-virus not being kind. As I sat there thought the school next door began to play "You are Holy" and other songs like it and I knew I needed to stand up and go to class. I didn't feel like I had the strength and I wanted to crawl back in bed but I did my devotions and ate my breakfast and headed to class.

My first class was 10 of the oldest children in our preschool. They all attended Maranatha last year; and performed a dance on graduation day. They did fantastic! All of them listened, were excited to show me what they remembered, some of them had practiced during the summer and one of the boys, who had had difficulty with jumps in first position, jumped perfectly the very first time!!!!!! For those of you that know me or have taught alongside me you can imagine my happy dance and the cheering that happened. The 2's listened, participated and there was a lot of laughing and giggling as they tried to get their feet into 1st position. Did they all obey? No, but they're 2 and for the most part they all participated.

My final class for the day came. This group were a lot of work last year and I was a little worried but they ended up being the best class of the day! They were excited to dance, to repeat what I was saying, proud that they remembered first position and were just eager to learn. What a turn around!!!

I love teaching dance as well as dancing and am so honored to have the opportunity to use my God given passion and gifts here in Haiti. I don't know what God has planned but I am content and look forward to the future.

Thankful Week 3

Wow, was that just one week?! Time either flies or drags along it seems. And this was a long week  where bits and pieces flew. I'm not complaining and saying this week was horrible, there was just a lot packed into it, lots of stress but also it was a week in His kingdom, doing something I love. There will be another blog post shortly following this but; thankful. What am I thankful for this week?

I am thankful that God answers our prayers.

Yes, sometimes it seems like He doesn't. But I learned from a very young age, when my mom had my siblings and I memorize: A Poem by: Amy Carmichael, that He answers every prayer we say.

Just a tiny little child

Three years old,

And a mother with a heart

All of gold.

Often did that mother say,

Jesus hears us when we pray,

For He's never far away

And He always answers.

Now, that tiny little child

Had brown eyes,

And she wanted blue instead

Like blue skies.

For her mothers eyes were blue

Like forget-me-nots. She knew

All her mother said was true,

Jesus always answers.

So she prayed for two blue eyes,

Said "Good night,"

Went to sleep in deep content

And delight.

Woke up early, climbed a chair

By a mirror. Where, O where

Could the blue eyes be? Not there;

Jesus hadn't answered.

Hadn't answered her at all;

Never more 

Could she pray; her eyes were brown

As before.

Did a little soft wind blow?

Came a whisper soft and low,

"Jesus answered. He said, No;

Isn't No and answer?"

I was homeschooled and when my mom wanted us to remember something or truly understand something she did a pretty amazing job of helping us remember or figure it out. Something I really just started seeing and am grateful for. But when we memorized this mom explained why God said "No" and how if she had gotten her way she would not have been able to rescue all of the children from the temples that she did! 

This past Monday didn't go as well as I had hoped and Wednesday morning had me feeling like it wasn't worth getting out of bed. I prayed, did my devotions and sat listening to the school next door play "You Are Holy". I don't know if I verbally prayed and said "God give me strength for today" or if it was more of a thought as time ticked away. But He gave it to me as the first 10 children made a circle in the carport. I prayed, wanting to know if this was going to work and if I was the one and He showed me that it can and I am. I prayed that the children listen and obey and enjoy class and they did! 

Even though Friday was not as good as Wednesday I feel like God handed my a gift wrapped up in Wednesday and said "Not everything is perfect, not everything is easy, children are going to be children no matter where they are, but hey, I'm with you and it's going to be ok and there will come a day you'll see that will blow you away. Trust me."

God answered my prayers in a way that left me so happy and full that I fell asleep by 8:30! And I feel like God is happy to show us a peek of the future when our hearts are just... yearning to follow Him and to do what He has called us. It's easy to jump for joy and praise God in the happy and joyful times but what I've been working on its praising God though I'm stressed, though things aren't working out and trying to not make it be... fake. I feel like sometimes we or I at least tend to pray in the bad times with a body bowed but eyes searching.  Knowing this is a trial, taking it on, trying to draw close to Him, to learn the lesson...but my eyes search for the good times or the "Yay! You made it! Burdens over, here are some blessings" type thing. I don't mean to but God's kind of showed me that I have in the past. And yes, we do have that eternal hope that the trials will end. But, I feel like when we're keeping an eye on the blessings and not fully immersed in what is going on now, focusing on just who our father is and leaning into His arms and trusting Him, we're missing something. 

When the prodigal son came home and His father wrapped His arms around Him I'm sure his face was buried in His fathers robes, not peeking over his shoulder to see if there was a feast already prepared, no! For that wonderful moment (that probably seemed like an eternity and still wasn't long enough) it was just him and His father. His fathers love.

I pray that as life continues and trials bear down that I would fully immerse myself in God and place myself completely in Him. That however God answers my prayers I would be able to thank and praise Him whether I understand the answer or not.  

I'm still growing; I don't think I will ever stop and I'm nowhere near the person that I want to be as a daughter of God, but I'm not where I used to be and that's because of answered prayers, not just my own; but families and friends prayers as well and sometimes the answer was "yes", sometimes it was "no" and sometimes it was "not right now" but they were all answered and I'm thankful.

Kaleidoscope World

Have you ever sat for awhile and looked through a kaleidoscope? Watched all the colors and changing patterns? Maybe found one you really like but couldn't find it once you turned or shook the tube? That's kind of what my life feels like right now, so many colors and patterns and I'm trying to find my place in it all.

The biggest thing is the children. I worked with 80 children last semester. Built relationships with them, knew them all by name, their individual little characteristics and a lot of their hard stories. Saying goodbye to them at English Camp I thought I knew which ones I would not be seeing again; seeing as we'd done pre registration for this year beforehand. I hugged them close, reminded them that Jesus and I both love them very much and that I would be praying for them. Though it was hard to say goodbye in all the chaos of three graduations, almost back to back; I felt ok about saying goodbye and there had only been 5 I thought. But coming back that was not the case and some we thought for sure were going to come back didn't. 

That was hard. 

I had said goodbye to these kids, but it wasn't the kind of goodbye that was a possibly forever goodbye! The first few days I was hit really hard with thoughts and worries and was very discouraged. Yes, I was SO happy to be back in my Haiti home but I kept battling with my mind and these thoughts as I missed the kids that were not at preschool:
"Do they know how much Jesus loves them? 
Did I do my part? 
Did they not want to come back?
Could I have done something else? 
Am I actually helping here? 
Are they going to school?
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Do they know they're loved? 
Do they know???"

Then God brought to mind a conversation I had with one of my Haitian brothers and a fellow worker at Maranatha earlier this year. It was Friday and school had been let out early as usual and there was one little girl who was waiting on her mom to come pick her up, she also had a slight fever. We waited and waited and there was no sign of her father or mother. She started to get worried and began to cry, I picked her up, brought her inside, gave her some water, half a banana and held her close, rocking gently and assuring her that everything was going to be ok. She fell asleep in my arms and I just sat there rocking and watching her sleep my mind wondering about her life, both present and future. 

He came in and asked about her, I explained the situation to him and as he sat down to lunch I began pouring out my heart to him "It's hard sending them home and not knowing what it's like or if they will be looked after properly..... I'm worried.... I want to take care of them.... I want them and their families to know God and to be safe and healthy.... I want so much for her" These words and more came pouring from my mouth and tears threatened to fall on her sleeping brow. He listened quietly, nodding his head as he ate and then when I stopped to catch my breath began saying "You know what you're doing; what we're all doing here is important.... we're planting seeds and we don't know what fruit will grow... we just teach and hope and pray.... but you're laying a foundation for them and if the foundation is strong they grow up to be Godly men and women and God knows the future Hope. We just have to trust and follow Him."

Such a wonderful reminder! God is constantly moving and changing hearts and though sometimes the colors and shapes can make our heads spin as we try to grasp what all is going on and what we're supposed to do, it truly is a beautiful, beautiful thing to watch and when you feel completely lost you have to open your eyes and take it all in and just smile and anticipate as the colors swirl by. And as you stand there He will come along, take your hand and twirl you into the middle of it at the perfect moment and direct you to the perfect place.

We are a preschool and "... all children grow up...." (peter pan) and it's hard to say goodbye not knowing where they will go or what they will do. I'm not a parent (don't plan on being one anytime soon) but as a big sister, babysitter, nanny, teacher and growing up some myself I see the world and it scares me. I see things that are allowed or people turn a blind eye too and it breaks my heart. We know that children starve to death, we know that children die from curable illnesses, we know that children do not have the money or the opportunity to go to school, we know that there are child slaves but yet we sit back send some money here or there and try not to look through the kaleidoscope at the grand design because we like it where it is and these things don't directly affect us. 

But it does.

"...Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind..." ~ John Donne

I cannot help every child and I, myself can't even truly help a child without God's help. But I can love, care for, show Jesus to and know the children that God has placed right here in front of me and the children that grow and head off to other schools or places God will have someone else there to love, care, share His gift of eternal life and know them and show them that they are precious in His sight.

Maybe it will be you.

Don't be afraid to step into this kaleidoscope world and be swept into His story, whether He takes you across the sea or down the street; it's not always easy or simple but it's always worth it.

There are now 93 children enrolled in preschool. All so beautiful. All His. And I am excited to get to know the ones that I do not know and to continue building the relationships that I have with the others that were here last year. Maranatha is doing wonderful things and continuing to grow and to follow God wherever He leads as they feed and nurture these children: spiritually, mentally and physically. They have a truly beautiful role here and I'm honored to work and to figure out and do my part in this kaleidoscope world.

Peace

Peace.

Such an interesting word. The world recognizes the famous "peace" symbol or hand sign, people pray for world peace and talk about it; but sadly most do not truly understand what peace truly is. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and His concept of peace is larger than "no fighting", it's from the Hebrew root slm, which means "to be complete" or "to be sound."

We as humans are not innately good or natural peacemakers. 

Think about, babies do not take care of themselves. Sleep is disturbed by cries from the crib, frustration arises when potty training comes around, our parents do not teach us to grab or steal toys from other children or to lie. It just sort of comes naturally. There is an emptiness inside of us, we long to be made whole and we try so hard doing SO many different things, thinking "maybe this will fill me" though we just continue to fall on our faces time and time again. Having a relationship with Jesus is what makes all the difference, there is that peace of knowing that no matter how many times you try and fail you are His and He is yours; nothing can separate you and in Him you are made complete.

It's hard to comprehend I know, but that doesn't make it any less true.

His peace and love are something that I have really been digging deeper into and figuring out the past few years. Growing up I saw God as a taskmaster and if I did one thing wrong I was going to hell. But God is love and He is peace and I have never felt such love and peace as I have while living and growing in Haiti.

4 days ago I was told that starting in January my churches financial monthly support was going to decrease, while they still supported me and my work in Haiti 100% monthly support would be less. This in fact, though scary to wake up to, was an answer to a prayer someone prayed over me the beginning of October. This may seem horrible but let me explain:

Being a missionary is not easy, here are a few reasons why (I'm using overseas as an e.g):

You will be taken out of your comfort zone; sometimes multiple times a day

Learning a new language is important to communicate with the people you live and work with

You'll move away from friends and loved ones (thank you skype but hugs are not the same)

Your job doesn't pay in money and you need to eat

Goodbye comfort foods

Asking people to support you

The devil will be working extra hard against you and your efforts

Being a missionary does not make you anymore perfect than anyone else. You are not immediately transformed, when you move overseas, into a person with endless: love, patience, joy etc. I wish it did! But no, you're still the same person you were boarding the plane as you are getting off. You still have those quirks and habits you want to kick, you may even be terrified out of your mind... but following Him where he leads and having the support of friends, family and even strangers back home is what keeps you going on those really horrible days when nothing is working and you just want to quit.

Supporting someone means that you come along side them, that they can stand and know that they will not sink or fall. It means praying for them, encouraging them in countless ways, easing their financial burden, it's giving them peace, making them feel complete, ready to do the work that God has given them to do. I only had eight monthly supporters in January and my church was a huge monthly supporter. But, it's crucial for any missionary to have a group, even a crowd of supporters. And my wonderful friend saw this and prayed that more people would come along side me and I would see just how supported and loved I was.

My church has seen this caterpillar through it's first year but it's time that this caterpillar turns into a butterfly and they make room for more supporters in order for this transformation to happen, while they continue supporting me, but not as big financially. I'm blessed. Truly I am and I have this sense of peace as my last week stateside starts tomorrow. God has this all in His hands I am now 1/2 way to being fully supported and with one time donations I'm headed back!!!

I still need monthly supporters but I know God will provide and so if you feel led to make 12 donations in the next 12 months, size does not matter. Promise.

You can go to mcmhaiti.org and donate with: support for HOPE RUEBKE in the memo. If my name is not on it it goes to the organization not to me.

OR

Send a check or have monthly withdrawals sent to:

MCM c/o Nichols Accounting

5680 E. Franklin, St. 110

Nampa, ID 83687

Thank you again for everything you guys do, no act of love or kindness is too small. May God richly bless every single one of you!