It's easy to be frustrated and discouraged here.
Or anywhere really.
But all the little things will eventually add up and sometimes you just want to throw up your hands walk to the corner and sit with your arms over your head and your knees to your chest pretending that nothing exists, that children are not running wild and that people are not waiting on you to bring order to the caos that swirling around you since you are in fact, the teacher.
A lot has happened in the past month leading up to and during the past weeks of English camp. Both good and bad things. I had some hard personal struggles and heartaches and was hit really hard with some family news. Plus my ever present Chikungunya. And though I didn't realize it slowly I was picking up "rocks" and adding them to the basket I'd strapped over my shoulders and it was becoming heavier and heavier with every restless night and every rock not handed into God's caring hands.
I'm not a muscular person. Our great big night guard has even given me the nickname of little mosquito because I can punch him as hard as I can an he "doesn't notice" all this to say, the weight I was carrying began to be to much and the day came when I was scrambling picking up all the rocks that Satan was pelting at me and I broke under the weight I'd placed on myself.
It wasn't pretty. Words flew like fists from my mouth, anger rattled my bones and I fell in the Haitian dust and dirt.
But God.
Pause for a moment; I love that so much, it sums up our God so well in just two little words: but God.
But God did not leave me there; mind spinning, heart aching, cheeks burning with shame, eyes watering I stumbled my way back to the house where God placed exactly who I needed in my path. Seeing her I began to put my walls back up and tried to be strong; but God knew what I needed and He tore down the wall I tried to build and I fell into her embrace a complete wreck.
We were in the last classes of camp and she could have easily told me to go lay down or wash my face or any number of things and waited until after camp had finished. But she took the time to hold me as my shame and frustration poured out in a flood of salt and when it was time to talk she spoke only truth and love to me. Pointing out things I thought had gone unnoticed and thanking me for all my work.
I've never felt like I'm enough,
Enough of anything really.
Or enough to make anyone happy or proud of me. I could always do or be better or do or be more never truly satisfied or happy with myself I created a pit and an easy target for the devil to push and pull me with.
Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, so that no one can boast"
I don't know how many times I have heard this Bible verse, or how many times I've been told that it is NOT works that "get you into heaven" and yet I work as if my salvation depends on it instead of working solely for God's glory and His kingdom. I work myself until I physically cannot work any longer, worrying the whole time whether or not its going to be enough.
I'm not perfect
I stumble fall, cry and fail as much as the next person. But I have this eternal hope and I have a God that says I am enough for Him and He wants to be with me for all eternity. And so dear reader I encourage you to take time, to rest in His loving arms, grace is an unmerited favor, let Him work through you instead of you working and worrying yourself into a frenzy. God delights in You and He isn't watching you and keeping score.
He loves you and you're enough for Him
Showing posts with label Relax. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relax. Show all posts
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Not Superhumans
I moved from the "Land of Perfection" to a little Island that is one of the "Scariest in All the Lands". I left the highest paying job to one where I'm not paid, said goodbye to adoring family and friends that eagerly await my homecoming and left everything "normal and comfortable" to go be a superhero and live with almost nothing.
Wait, back pedal.... somethings not right; oh haha nope, didn't do that. I left the States where bad and good things happen, where people are people to move to Haiti; where bad and good things happen and where people are; well people. I left a money paying job to work at another job that pays me in a spiritual and mental way, I said goodbye to friends as we all scattered to fulfill dreams, hugged and kissed my family goodbye as they sent me off knowing I was safe in Gods hands and I picked up my camera, journal, Bible and God's Hand to go capture, remember, grow, learn and to be used as He led me to go live in Haiti as a big sister and dance teacher with more blessings that I could have imagined.
As much as I want to be I am not a superhuman.
Going on a mission trip or moving to a new place you usually arrive and you're just so fired up and ready to learn and help out and you have so many hopes and dreams and plans and you're going to make them ALL come true! But; when I was 17, I went on a mission trip to China, the woman leading our group was a mother of 4 children that had been adopted from China. Having made several trips to China and having a large group of 12, we had weekly meetings and she beat into our heads "Be flexible, BE flexible, BE FLEXIBLE!" I say this in the most imperative way. Coming from a Christian family where all of us were home schooled my parents had taught me manners and respect for authority. I knew Tami was our leader, that she'd been to China before, she had our best interests in mind and so there was nothing to worry about and no question of whether she was right or wrong and I left with the only worry being that I'd miss a chance to shine.
On that trip we were tested in our flexibility when our hotel, that had been booked in advance and that our contact in Beijing had made sure of either the same day or the previous one, no longer had our rooms. When we traveled to "every" hotel in Beijing until early into the morning and finally crashed at our contacts house; some in beds other on couches or the floor. I had flexibility when I was "lost" in the pearl market (that story is for another time) when I got a little boy instead of the little girl I was POSITIVE I was going to get, when I thought my translator didn't like me, when the pool was closed and a new activity had to be found, when there were unexpected free times, when saying goodbye to the children that had stolen our hearts, when a passport was stolen and two of our teammates did not return with us waiting on a new passport to arrive.
God however always showed us the "reason why" we went through these things: We had the most amazing breakfast to wake up to that our contacts wife made and we got to hear their perspective a little more than we would have, God showed me how to keep a level head and make smart decisions, God gave me a little brother and made my translator feel more at home and connect better with both of us, I learned just how many languages and dialects there are in China and how my translator didn't speak the same one our little brother did, but she could understand 3/4 of what he said. The kids got to go to a movie theater, tons of laughs and stories were shared, hearts were broken for the better and God wasn't finished with two members of our team in China.
China grew me in a lot of ways and I didn't realize how much until I went to Ireland with my dance team last summer. Also, my parents took special care in choosing each of my siblings names and I have to say my parents were spot on with each of us. If you didn't already know my name is Hope, on my birth announcement was the Bible verse Titus 2:13 which happens to be my birth date. I hope for Jesus' coming and for the best in people and in life though sometimes it's hard I still strive to find that glimmer. As my faith has grown I've found that I'm not worried about a majority of things because I know, I legitimately know that God has His hands around me and whatever happens He will give me the strength and the knowledge to make it through. This doesn't mean that I don't have that moment of panic or uncertainty (I am human remember) but I always return to rest in His peaceful arms and I thank Jesus for the strength to do that.
Heading to Haiti I didn't have a big elaborate plan, I wasn't even positive I was going until a month or so before I landed in Haiti. God made it clear that I was supposed to go however and so I jumped from the top of the mountain into the clouds below.
I feel like I took my first few weeks slowly as I learned the language but then I just started running, pouring, driving myself as the needs I saw came at me like a meteor shower. I didn't feel like I was doing enough or really anything, but God was using me and I didn't realize this until God brought me a friend, my fellow intern here at Maranatha who opened my eyes to the littlest things and showed me how God had been working. Reminded me that while its great to pour out you have to be poured into because we can't run on our own steam and we need to be going to God's word daily. I've never loved or done devotions as much as I do here.
God was trying to show and tell me, to take time and that I was doing a good job and actually during devotions I heard His voice tell me this and it brought me to tears. I still didn't slow up or take time for myself. Didn't see it as a need or a high priority. God brought me three more friends, 3 girls that volunteered here, two were close friends from Canada that were working with us for two weeks and then heading up into the mountains to work with an orphanage and the other came from Texas and ended up staying an extra two weeks! We all became very close and they poured into me opening my eyes once again; but still I wasn't taking the time God wanted me to. I got an infection on my finger and had to sit for a good 30 minutes soaking it till the hot water became cold to draw it out 4x's a day for several weeks. Though I always managed to find something to do while soaking it. God is stubborn and my old dance injury began to act up so I was sitting for a good hour with ice on my back. Couldn't do a whole lot during that time and I think God began to smile.
My second week of helping run the preschool while the Tluceks were stateside for graduations I was hit hard with a virus; I had a migraine, aches and cramps in my stomach, side, hands and feet along with being incredibly nauseous but I never threw up no matter how much I wanted to and I was VERY out of it. This had me in bed, much to my dismay but both Madame Sue and James convinced me that it was better to miss one or two days than an entire week of preschool. I tried to be angry at myself for "slacking off" and "not helping" but though I was upset I wasn't angry, I heard the kids voices and wanted to cry because I missed them but there was only an ache because I knew that they were all in good hands and I would see them soon, I tried not to enjoy all the sleep and a chance to read a couple books though I was in pain I hadn't gotten to sit down and read for awhile. I laid in bed Tuesday and Wednesday tried to get up Thursday and was able to do meeting in the morning but the pain in my side was leaving my breathless and so I went back to bed. Friday I was determined to do craft with the kids as it was one I'd been looking forward to. James and Madame Sue know me pretty well and after I'd told them I felt ok they responded "Ok what exactly does that mean?" I passed the test however and was allowed to help in craft if I sat for most of it and went to bed at lunchtime. Walking out I was immediately greeted with "HOPE! HOPE! MWEN HOPE!!! MWEN SONJE OU!!! MWEN RENMEN OU" (My Hope, I missed you, I love you) I had the biggest smile and tears in my eyes as I hugged and kissed each one of them.
Over the weekend I wasn't sleeping well at night, still had an awful headache, had to rest and felt off and out of it. Monday: Madame Sue put me on Malaria medicine and wowzah, powered through the first half of the day as I wanted to do dance for the kids but after the last class I went to bed and crashed without being told.
Tuesday: took it easy and took pictures of the kids playing with parachute and balls; the lady that cleans after meals was sick with the new Chikungunya virus and so I pushed through to
clean up, sweep and mop for the afternoon classes but I felt super nauseous and lightheaded and finished as quickly as possible before crashing yet again.
Wednesday: I got to do lunch and a small piece of recess but I took my last malaria pills soon after recess and had to go lie down; kids were not thrilled but I told them Thursday I would stay up and be able to tell them all goodbye.
Thursday: came and I woke up feeling like a completely new person which I know was all God's doing because we were incredibly short staffed as the Chikungunya virus was making it's rounds and I jumped in and helped lead the 2's class which is our largest group. I had an absolute blast and recess we played the kids favorite game "Going on a Lion Hunt" which you have to have two interns to play and I was able to say goodbye to the kids and send them home with a hug and kiss.
Friday: my fellow intern was electrocuted and sent to bed. Turned the day around and I ended up doing bikes around the pool which I've secretly been missing and wanting to do for a long time. We only had 60 kids come which seems like nothing but was a blessing and the day went so smoothly I give God all the glory for that.
Through this entire experience God taught me several different lessons but the most prominent one is that I need to give my worries and cares to Him before they settle on my shoulders and I'm driving to do anything and everything despite how I feel and end up in bed with a virus.
We are not superhumans and God has a way of reminding us on the mission field; wherever that is for you on this earth. We can't do everything; we just can't. We cannot depend on our own power and strength because we will find the bottom of a small container where His power and strength is bottomless. When God tells us in Matthew 16:24 to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily He doesn't exactly mean go make yourself miserable and don't take care of yourself. The NLV puts it this way "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me." taking time to rest and refresh yourself in His love and peace is not selfish. Something I'm learning and probably will continue to "learn" for a very long time.
All of this to say that I knew I was giving things up when I moved, I knew God was asking me to give things up and when I came to Haiti I told God "I'm following You and therefore I have everything I need." and we're all called to do this in our daily lives. I'm nobody supernatural I'm simply trying to follow God and glorify Him.
Remember: You're not a superhuman, take time to seek Him because you are His child and He loves you to pieces.
Wait, back pedal.... somethings not right; oh haha nope, didn't do that. I left the States where bad and good things happen, where people are people to move to Haiti; where bad and good things happen and where people are; well people. I left a money paying job to work at another job that pays me in a spiritual and mental way, I said goodbye to friends as we all scattered to fulfill dreams, hugged and kissed my family goodbye as they sent me off knowing I was safe in Gods hands and I picked up my camera, journal, Bible and God's Hand to go capture, remember, grow, learn and to be used as He led me to go live in Haiti as a big sister and dance teacher with more blessings that I could have imagined.
As much as I want to be I am not a superhuman.
Going on a mission trip or moving to a new place you usually arrive and you're just so fired up and ready to learn and help out and you have so many hopes and dreams and plans and you're going to make them ALL come true! But; when I was 17, I went on a mission trip to China, the woman leading our group was a mother of 4 children that had been adopted from China. Having made several trips to China and having a large group of 12, we had weekly meetings and she beat into our heads "Be flexible, BE flexible, BE FLEXIBLE!" I say this in the most imperative way. Coming from a Christian family where all of us were home schooled my parents had taught me manners and respect for authority. I knew Tami was our leader, that she'd been to China before, she had our best interests in mind and so there was nothing to worry about and no question of whether she was right or wrong and I left with the only worry being that I'd miss a chance to shine.
On that trip we were tested in our flexibility when our hotel, that had been booked in advance and that our contact in Beijing had made sure of either the same day or the previous one, no longer had our rooms. When we traveled to "every" hotel in Beijing until early into the morning and finally crashed at our contacts house; some in beds other on couches or the floor. I had flexibility when I was "lost" in the pearl market (that story is for another time) when I got a little boy instead of the little girl I was POSITIVE I was going to get, when I thought my translator didn't like me, when the pool was closed and a new activity had to be found, when there were unexpected free times, when saying goodbye to the children that had stolen our hearts, when a passport was stolen and two of our teammates did not return with us waiting on a new passport to arrive.
God however always showed us the "reason why" we went through these things: We had the most amazing breakfast to wake up to that our contacts wife made and we got to hear their perspective a little more than we would have, God showed me how to keep a level head and make smart decisions, God gave me a little brother and made my translator feel more at home and connect better with both of us, I learned just how many languages and dialects there are in China and how my translator didn't speak the same one our little brother did, but she could understand 3/4 of what he said. The kids got to go to a movie theater, tons of laughs and stories were shared, hearts were broken for the better and God wasn't finished with two members of our team in China.
China grew me in a lot of ways and I didn't realize how much until I went to Ireland with my dance team last summer. Also, my parents took special care in choosing each of my siblings names and I have to say my parents were spot on with each of us. If you didn't already know my name is Hope, on my birth announcement was the Bible verse Titus 2:13 which happens to be my birth date. I hope for Jesus' coming and for the best in people and in life though sometimes it's hard I still strive to find that glimmer. As my faith has grown I've found that I'm not worried about a majority of things because I know, I legitimately know that God has His hands around me and whatever happens He will give me the strength and the knowledge to make it through. This doesn't mean that I don't have that moment of panic or uncertainty (I am human remember) but I always return to rest in His peaceful arms and I thank Jesus for the strength to do that.
Heading to Haiti I didn't have a big elaborate plan, I wasn't even positive I was going until a month or so before I landed in Haiti. God made it clear that I was supposed to go however and so I jumped from the top of the mountain into the clouds below.
I feel like I took my first few weeks slowly as I learned the language but then I just started running, pouring, driving myself as the needs I saw came at me like a meteor shower. I didn't feel like I was doing enough or really anything, but God was using me and I didn't realize this until God brought me a friend, my fellow intern here at Maranatha who opened my eyes to the littlest things and showed me how God had been working. Reminded me that while its great to pour out you have to be poured into because we can't run on our own steam and we need to be going to God's word daily. I've never loved or done devotions as much as I do here.
God was trying to show and tell me, to take time and that I was doing a good job and actually during devotions I heard His voice tell me this and it brought me to tears. I still didn't slow up or take time for myself. Didn't see it as a need or a high priority. God brought me three more friends, 3 girls that volunteered here, two were close friends from Canada that were working with us for two weeks and then heading up into the mountains to work with an orphanage and the other came from Texas and ended up staying an extra two weeks! We all became very close and they poured into me opening my eyes once again; but still I wasn't taking the time God wanted me to. I got an infection on my finger and had to sit for a good 30 minutes soaking it till the hot water became cold to draw it out 4x's a day for several weeks. Though I always managed to find something to do while soaking it. God is stubborn and my old dance injury began to act up so I was sitting for a good hour with ice on my back. Couldn't do a whole lot during that time and I think God began to smile.
My second week of helping run the preschool while the Tluceks were stateside for graduations I was hit hard with a virus; I had a migraine, aches and cramps in my stomach, side, hands and feet along with being incredibly nauseous but I never threw up no matter how much I wanted to and I was VERY out of it. This had me in bed, much to my dismay but both Madame Sue and James convinced me that it was better to miss one or two days than an entire week of preschool. I tried to be angry at myself for "slacking off" and "not helping" but though I was upset I wasn't angry, I heard the kids voices and wanted to cry because I missed them but there was only an ache because I knew that they were all in good hands and I would see them soon, I tried not to enjoy all the sleep and a chance to read a couple books though I was in pain I hadn't gotten to sit down and read for awhile. I laid in bed Tuesday and Wednesday tried to get up Thursday and was able to do meeting in the morning but the pain in my side was leaving my breathless and so I went back to bed. Friday I was determined to do craft with the kids as it was one I'd been looking forward to. James and Madame Sue know me pretty well and after I'd told them I felt ok they responded "Ok what exactly does that mean?" I passed the test however and was allowed to help in craft if I sat for most of it and went to bed at lunchtime. Walking out I was immediately greeted with "HOPE! HOPE! MWEN HOPE!!! MWEN SONJE OU!!! MWEN RENMEN OU" (My Hope, I missed you, I love you) I had the biggest smile and tears in my eyes as I hugged and kissed each one of them.
Over the weekend I wasn't sleeping well at night, still had an awful headache, had to rest and felt off and out of it. Monday: Madame Sue put me on Malaria medicine and wowzah, powered through the first half of the day as I wanted to do dance for the kids but after the last class I went to bed and crashed without being told.
Tuesday: took it easy and took pictures of the kids playing with parachute and balls; the lady that cleans after meals was sick with the new Chikungunya virus and so I pushed through to
clean up, sweep and mop for the afternoon classes but I felt super nauseous and lightheaded and finished as quickly as possible before crashing yet again.
Wednesday: I got to do lunch and a small piece of recess but I took my last malaria pills soon after recess and had to go lie down; kids were not thrilled but I told them Thursday I would stay up and be able to tell them all goodbye.
Thursday: came and I woke up feeling like a completely new person which I know was all God's doing because we were incredibly short staffed as the Chikungunya virus was making it's rounds and I jumped in and helped lead the 2's class which is our largest group. I had an absolute blast and recess we played the kids favorite game "Going on a Lion Hunt" which you have to have two interns to play and I was able to say goodbye to the kids and send them home with a hug and kiss.
Friday: my fellow intern was electrocuted and sent to bed. Turned the day around and I ended up doing bikes around the pool which I've secretly been missing and wanting to do for a long time. We only had 60 kids come which seems like nothing but was a blessing and the day went so smoothly I give God all the glory for that.
Through this entire experience God taught me several different lessons but the most prominent one is that I need to give my worries and cares to Him before they settle on my shoulders and I'm driving to do anything and everything despite how I feel and end up in bed with a virus.
We are not superhumans and God has a way of reminding us on the mission field; wherever that is for you on this earth. We can't do everything; we just can't. We cannot depend on our own power and strength because we will find the bottom of a small container where His power and strength is bottomless. When God tells us in Matthew 16:24 to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily He doesn't exactly mean go make yourself miserable and don't take care of yourself. The NLV puts it this way "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me." taking time to rest and refresh yourself in His love and peace is not selfish. Something I'm learning and probably will continue to "learn" for a very long time.
All of this to say that I knew I was giving things up when I moved, I knew God was asking me to give things up and when I came to Haiti I told God "I'm following You and therefore I have everything I need." and we're all called to do this in our daily lives. I'm nobody supernatural I'm simply trying to follow God and glorify Him.
Remember: You're not a superhuman, take time to seek Him because you are His child and He loves you to pieces.
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