REAL QUICK: I do apologize for the lack of blog posts. I could show you several posts I started but never finished since the last post and those may be finished and posted at some point, but God has really been growing me and showing me things the past months that I've had to really mull over and discern what He's saying and what certain things mean to me (not fun growing up is it ;) ) so here is a brief update on what is going on right now in Hope's story:
A week ago Saturday, the 19th, I had an appendectomy around 3am in one of Port-Au-Prince's finest hospitals... I suppose you want a little more information than that ;) I spent Friday at our staff Christmas party enjoying the beach and everything it has to offer. I felt great. Laughed a lot, slept, swam, ate and tried not to cry as they presented me with a beautiful present and I said goodbye to these lovely Haitian ladies for a time.
7:00 pm (times are not exact)
Got home from the beach and started to have a little pain in my side. Felt like a stitch, told my director but since I'd had a large meal I ruled it out as gas. But it just got worse from there.
9:00 pm
Took a shower, hoping that would ease the pain, now I couldn't stand up straight. Laid in bed hoping that the pain would stop.
10:30 pm
I started messaging my mom as I was worried it was something serious and she confirmed my fears that it could be appendicitis and encouraged me to get Shelley
1100 pm
I tried to get up to get my director but suddenly the pain worsened and I found it extremely hard to breathe and began moaning in pain. I woke up the other girls in my room and my friend, Sarah, raced to get Shelley while her oldest daughter, Chelsey, sat with me. Shelley came in and instantly knew it was serious and that we needed to head to the hospital ASAP when she tried to get me to stand but I couldn't.
11:30 pm
Chelsea sat with me, placing a warm towel on my side as I gritted my teeth and tried not to scream. Sarah grabbed the trash can as I started to feel nauseous and found my shoes. Through gritted teeth and wet eyes I told them I didn't want to go anywhere. It was late and everyone needed to sleep but my appendix had other plans and Shelley and Byron knew better. Byron carried me down the stairs and I laid down in the back seat of the truck as we headed out. The ride was the longest and bumpiest ride of my life and I tried to be quiet and just focus on breathing but little moans and screams kept slipping through.
12:00 am
They wheeled me into the ER and I shut my eyes as blood soaked bandages on a young man were the first thing I saw. I felt guilty. These people needed more attention and were probably in more serious condition and here was this young white woman. I prayed it was something simple that they could give me something for and I could head home and be out of every one's hair. A woman doctor came over examined me and had a nurse draw blood. She thought it was either appendicitis or a kidney stone. "Kidney stone, kidney stone.... kidney stone I can pass" I prayed over and over.
1am
Shelley stayed by my side as I worried and prayed and worried some more. The doctor came back saying that the blood results were in and they would be prepping me for surgery. They'd called the surgeon and when he arrived we'd start. I couldn't hold back the tears as everything started racing through my head: money, recovery time, surgery, hospital stay, etc. Shelley comforted me, prayed with me and got my mom on the phone to comfort and pray with me as well.
2:00 am
I was feeling better... and I hoped that maybe they were wrong. However, when the surgeon came in and pressed on the right spot, I screamed like a little girl. I started to shake and a couple tears made their way down my cheeks. "What would you like?" he asked. "Honestly? I'd like it to be a kidney stone and to go home." He chuckled, gave his apologies and said he'd see me in surgery. Yay! On the positive side, we all felt relieved at the fact that he knew exactly where to press to make sure it was the appendix.
3:00 am
They wheeled me down to the pre-op, Shelley helped me into the papery yellow gown and cap and then it was time. They wheeled me into the operating room which from the ceiling looked an awfully lot like the basement of my old house (Byron and Shelley though, saw the whole room and were very impressed). The nurses were all very nice as they asked questions, trying to get my mind off the surgery. The anesthesiologist asked if I was ready to begin and suddenly I had this strange sensation like someone was sitting on my chest and my lips began to burn, I tried to tell her that it hurt but I couldn't speak, only make weird sounds "OK honey, breathe through this" she replied to my moaning and placed the mask over my nose "just breathe" and everything fell away.
After this I don't know what time anything took place.
I woke up, back in pre-op which I'm guessing doubled as post-op. I was in pain, groggy, my mouth felt extremely dry and I wasn't really sure what was going on. I could hear Shelley talking and then heard my friend Sarah's voice. That's when I opened my eyes and looked for them. They stood right outside my little "cubicle" and were talking with the nurses "Hey, how you feeling?" Shelley asked. While I don't remember talking, I'm guessing I did and told her that my mouth was dry and I was in a lot of pain. She asked if they could give me something for the pain and water. The nurses said I couldn't have water until 3:00 and I'd already had a milliliter of morphine a couple hours earlier. Shelley fought for me though and the surgeon came in to check on me. I remember him saying everything went well and asking if I was in pain. He let me have another milliliter of morphine and that I could have water. The nurse stuck to what he'd written on the paper and reminded him that I wasn't supposed to have any water for another half hour. I think Shelley said goodbye after this and headed home to get some much needed rest. Sarah stayed by my side and had brought my ipod and headphones (God bless her) so I turned on some Andrew Peterson and with the help of morphine, I fell back asleep.
I don't know how much time had passed but I woke up again and the nurse wanted to take out the catheter and move me to a private room. Once she finished, they sat me up and I immediately had a huge wave of nausea. I did not want to throw up as I knew that would hurt and I probably would have to stay in post-op longer. I dry heaved a couple times (which hurt enough to actually be puke) but I was finally (probably wasn't very long but felt like forever) able to have a small glass of water that I sipped down. I've found water really does refresh and restore a person more than anything else. Just like Jesus ;)
Shortly after that we found that in Haiti, you need to bring your own sheets as the nurses asked Sarah several times whether we had any or were going to bring any so they could move me to the new room. I told them I didn't need new sheets and the ones I were on were fine (I really wanted to get out of there and I felt like they were fine) they looked at me like I was insane but ok'd it and they lowered me back down and wheeled me to a private room as Byron came in.
It's funny the perspective you have when all you see is the ceiling - it felt like they were wheeling me down back alleys, behind the buildings, over the hill, across the river... just kidding but it did feel like I was being stashed away somewhere. We got to the private room which was actually very nice. It was a pretty Irish green, had it's own bathroom and was pretty big. They lifted me (and the sheets) onto another bed that reminded me of a massage table, minus the headrest. The top didn't raise so they propped it up with the bottles for my IV. I was cold so the sweet nurse got me another blanket and I was out again.
I was in and out after this. My times are all messed up but I think during this time I had a high fever and my nurse began placing cold compresses on my face and chest... very cold. But it helped bring my fever down.
I woke up, groggy and wishing that I hadn't woken up. Sarah encouraged me to drink and since all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I guzzled water... not a good idea. It came back up and dear Sarah rushed to find something for me to throw up in (not only do you need to bring your own sheets but also your own toilet paper, washcloths, water, food etc. which really isn't surprising but it caught us off guard). I beat her though, trying to hit the floor to save the sheets (make it easier to clean up) but I wasn't quite fast enough though and the sheets were not saved. Sarah found something (I really don't know what it was) for me to throw up in and I did get some into that. You know you have an amazing friend when they stay by your side (though you're basically unconscious the majority of the time), with no lunch or wifi, is willing to fight off the nurses for you (the nurse really wanted to give me a bath), cleans up your vomit and makes jokes about it! "Well, I know what you ate yesterday!" She was truly a Godsend and I'll always be thankful for her and her sacrifice as this is not how either of us wanted to spend our last weekend in Haiti.
The first woman doctor from the ER the night/morning before came in to check on me and Sarah explained to her that I'd thrown up. She asked why and I explained that I had guzzled too much water but I actually felt a lot better since throwing up. She was satisfied that everything was ok and said to keep drinking water and if I felt better later I could drink some 7Up. I think I fell back asleep but when I woke up I felt much much better! Sarah helped me get some clothes on, sit up and walk to the bathroom. This all took awhile but it was huge progress and I wanted to go home. I was awake for awhile after all of that so Sarah filled me in on a number of things, one being that they had put my appendix in a jar and Byron had taken it home for everyone to see! Haha - one of my Haiti siblings asked if I'd taken it out myself! :p
The rest of the day is a little fuzzy. Shelley and Byron came back with all the essentials and Shelley stayed by my side. There was also this weird black sticker on my forehead that took my temperature I believe; but it made me feel like a weird alien and we all made jokes about it. I don't remember the rest of the evening.
3:30 am Sunday
I woke up to sharp pain in my left arm, where the IV was. There was always a burning sensation when the nurse changed the IV bag or made the drip faster or slower, but this was much worse. I was on my left side so my arm was kind of hidden from the nurse, I raised it and to my horror saw that it had swelled about the size of a tennis ball, I was groggy but tapped the nurse and drew her attention to my arm. I'd blown a vein. She took care of it and to my dismay had to stick me again, this time she got it the first try which was the grace of God. I was in a lot of pain, she gave me a shot of what we figured out was basically liquid ibuprofen in my right arm "Yikes that's gonna bruise!" I thought. The pain continued to grow however and soon I felt like I couldn't breathe. They sat me up but the pain was so intense I just sat on the edge of my bed trying to breathe through the pain. Shelley and the nurse were both concerned and the nurse ran to get a doctor. An American doctor, who was working in the ER, came in and checked me. I was in so much pain I couldn't look up at his face or anything. He said I could have 2 milliliters of morphine since I hadn't had any since 10 am the day before. I hope I thanked him but I honestly don't remember. The pain lessened and I was able to use the restroom but the thought of getting back onto the high bed was not appealing. Shelley and the nurse got me a chair and I rested my head on a pillow at the end of the bed and slept there for awhile.
Sunday came, my Haiti siblings and I were supposed to lead worship that day and it was going to be our "big finale" as I was heading home and one of our "foster brothers" was headed to the states as well. Sadly, I was not able to make it but I know they did a fantastic job as always :) The morning is kind of fuzzy... the doctors wanted me to be up moving around if I could because they didn't want blood clots to form and actually I found sitting in the little office chair in the room was more comfortable and I didn't have to work so hard to get up and down as the fluids seemed to be running straight through.
We'd been told that the doctor who performed my surgery would be in at 9 am that morning but 9 am passed and another doctor came in, checked me and said that while yes, I was doing very well, only the doctor that did my surgery could release me and he hadn't come in, but he was probably at church and would come in later. My back was killing me as I had to "try" and use it instead of my stomach muscles which was next to impossible but it was definitely getting a workout. Shelley braided my hair for me, massaged my back and got my mind of the pain as we talked about life and the preschool. She also got me to walk around the room a couple times which was big progress. I was also supposed to be drinking juice and Sarah had bought some mango nectar from a merchant outside of the hospital gates. Shelley gave it to me in capfuls from my water bottle lid. It was sweet but was more filling than water.
Through all of this I felt God's peace surrounded me, could hear Him telling me it would all be ok and He wasn't going to leave me or take me home yet. Though there were moments I didn't trust Him or tears of fear escaped, He was always there encouraging me.
Byron, Sarah, Chelsea and Pastor Louis (a Haitian pastor from Chicago who works with Byron and Shelley off and on) came after church to check on us and brought coffee for Shelley and chicken soup for me. Something I have learned in my two years with Maranatha Children's Ministries is to laugh, no matter what and this crew got me chuckling and smiling, I tried really hard not to laugh as it hurt the incision but laughter really is the best medicine :) We took several walks, Sarah as my human crutch and Chelsey and Shelley taking turns holding my IV bag (the pole didn't roll) and opening doors. I found that contrary to my previous thoughts, we weren't very far from the main gate and the ER. Walking felt good. I couldn't go that far on my own and it was exhausting but it was very good as my muscles would get tired and ache if left in one position for too long (Thanks c-virus). We got back to the room and Shelley poured me a cup of chicken soup from the coffee carafe that had been keeping it warm, however, despite being washed very thoroughly, the soup tasted and smelled like old coffee and chicken soup which was very confusing to my senses and wasn't the nicest to drink. But slowly and with the "encouragement" ;) of Shelley, I think I finished the cup or almost and then drank as much of the mango nectar as I could without feeling nauseous.
The pain started to get bad again and the American doctor from earlier that morning came back in. This time I was able to talk to him and thank him as he again proscribed 2 milliliters of morphine. I don't know why the nurse was stingy with the morphine. I'm guessing they don't have a large supply or they think I'm an addict :p But I tried to not ask for anything until it got worse which apparently isn't a smart thing to do. We walked around some more and the pastor from the church we attend came while we were out on a walk. He prayed over me and I headed back to my room to sleep for awhile. I don't remember much after that. My sweet nurse had been working over 30 hours and her replacement was late. Though she really wanted to give me a bath (I told her I'd had one right before I came to the hospital and was fine) and she messed with the IV probably every hour without fail, she was very sweet and when her replacement finally came at some point that evening, she woke me up very gently, peeked under the covers that I had over my head, as I was freezing, and said "I have to go now but I will see you tomorrow morning at 6, ok cheri?" I nodded "ok goodnight, cheri - God bless" and I was asleep again.
I knew my mom was flying in and I wanted to be out of the hospital by the time she came but I knew if I wasn't, she'd get me out. Sure enough, mom flew in looking dazzling (I don't know how she does it) though she'd flown home from Haiti on Thursday morning, done prenatals, delivered a baby and flew back to Haiti on Sunday morning. She went and found the directors of the hospital, twin Haitian brothers, talked to them about how she is a midwife and a health care professional and she knows that though it is against hospital policy she wanted them to release me into her care. They agreed to come check me and see what they could do.
They came in and asked me to get into the bed so they could check me. Now prior to this, getting into bed meant me sitting on the edge for a while, breathing and waiting for the pain to subside and then being lowered down onto the bed where I felt like someone was crushing my chest in their hands and I'd struggle to breathe for awhile before being "ok" and moving up to the head of the bed. I said a silent prayer and God wrapped me up in His arms and lifted me into that bed with little pain! The doctors checked me, said I had a fever but overall if mom was willing to accept responsibility, they would release me into her care. Joy! Thank you, Jesus! Checking out was a process as you can imagine but around 10 pm (I think), Bryon was pulling the truck inside and I gingerly climbed in, surrounded by pillows.
The ride home was rough but not nearly as rough as the ride to the hospital and once again, I found that the hospital wasn't nearly as far away as I thought it had been. We got home, I said hello to my Haiti siblings and Sarah as she flew out early Monday morning and I didn't know if I would be conscious, and then tried to get some sleep. It was a long night. I got up several times to use the bathroom and tried several different positions but lying down hurt way too much.
Monday morning was rough - mom massaged my aching back and one of my Haiti brothers got me a chair to sit in which I found was very comfortable! Byron had found the meds prescribed by the doctors and I started taking them. Quickly, after taking one of the pills, I got super nauseous so mom had me eat some bread and mangoes to settle my stomach which was rough but they did help and if you didn't know this mangoes and papaya seed are natural laxatives so everything started moving which as you may or may not know is critical to the healing process.
We had a flight out early Tuesday morning so I did my best to relax as much as possible. I had nothing packed as I thought I would have the weekend to do that. Silly me, thinking things would go as planned ;) Around 1:30, I began to climb the staircase to go up to my room. One of my Haiti siblings, Joe (14) carried my chair up for me and Belle (9) held my hand and I made it to the top and into my room without incident! With the help of Katie (16) and my mom, I pointed out things for them to pack and Katie found a couple things I'd been missing for awhile! After packing, I rested for awhile before attempting to take a shower. We've been blessed with a little water heater for the winter months which are chilly in the mornings and evenings and the thought of taking a freezing cold shower just doesn't sound too appealing. I was very thankful for the warm water and was actually able to shower without having to catch my breathe and felt so much better!
Afterwards, Shelley came to check on me and was amazed at the progress I had made (I was also very swollen in the hospital and my face had gone down a lot!). Their oldest son was arriving that night and as it was mine and Pastor Louis last evening in Haiti so they were wanting to take everyone up to Boutillier where there is a lovely little restaurant that looks out over Port-Au-Prince. It is one of my favorite places and my mom had never been there. She explained that if I wasn't feeling up to it that it was completely fine and they'd understand. I told her I'd nap but I'd really like to go. Mom changed my bandages and said that I should rest and see how I felt but she wasn't sure I'd be able to. Sure enough, when I woke up I wasn't feeling as well as I had and the long car ride to the top of the mountain and the long night that it was sure to be didn't sound like a wise choice. I do admit my eyes were wet as I told Shelley I wouldn't be able to make it and had to tell all my siblings (as they walked by my couch one by one) that I wasn't able to go. Katie, however, made me her famous ramen soup and mom and I watched Elf and an episode of Mythbusters before falling asleep. This time, I slept on the couch as being propped up and having something to lean into seemed to help.
I woke up shortly after everyone returned home and talked to Katie, Chelsea and Andrew for a little bit before falling back asleep. I don't really remember what we talked about but I remember Katie got some huge hoop earrings ;)
Tuesday, the travel day, came. I woke up, got changed and sat in my chair not feeling great and trying not to cry as I looked around the room reminiscing about the past two years and not knowing the exact date I'd be back. I thought about waking up the girls to say goodbye but I knew they'd had a late night and I would just end up crying all over them. I was able to walk down the stairs unassisted which Shelley said was amazing "I don't feel very amazing," I replied jokingly. Our security guard and one of my foster brothers were up and the tears really started to flow as I hugged them goodbye and climbed into the truck. Every time I'd left Haiti before, I'd had a return ticket and while I was sad to leave, hardly any tears were shed. I'd watched friends cry as they left and cried at their leaving but I'd always been ok knowing I was coming back within a week or two. I tried to trick myself into not crying because I know that I will be coming back but my heart and mind kept reminding me I didn't have a plane ticket back and the tears wouldn't be held back.
We flew Delta and I have to say that Delta did an amazing job. Mom had called them and told them the situation and they had booked her a nice flight, had wheelchairs for me. We had seats very close to the front of the the plane, went through security and everything very quickly and the people were very helpful. Flying wasn't as bad as I expected it to be; if I had to say anything I'd say that I was freezing.... but I'm always freezing on flights and they provided a blanket for me :)
I don't know how many of you have seen the newly remodeled Wichita airport but I couldn't stop gawking and oohing and aahing! We're so official now! Dad picked mom and I up and we headed home where my siblings (that still live at home) were waiting with hysterical signs and hot soup.
Wednesday, my "always on the ball" mother, had a doctors appointment bright and early for me. My legs and stomach were very swollen and so I weighed myself and I came in at a whopping 130 lbs!!! I have not been over 115, to my knowledge, ever! Freaked me out a little but mom assured me that it was all fluid. We got into the doctor's office fairly quickly and she was concerned about my swelling too but as she massaged my calves, it wasn't painful so she said it was probably from traveling but if I spiked a fever or had any pain in my legs to come in. We did lab work but otherwise she recommended: walking when I can, compression socks, continuing taking the antibiotic meds, Tylenol and ibuprofen and LOTS of fluids. We ran over to my favorite chiropractor (Dopps Chiropractics on Greenwich) who alleviated the pain in my neck, arm and back and headed home to sleep. Thursday, I'd lost 7 lbs and started using a pitcher of water to gauge how much water I was drinking (thank you Shelley and Sue) and today I am back down to 117 lbs!!! The test results didn't come back very encouraging but we're hopefully going to run them again and I will keep you guys updated :)
Arriving in Kansas without my appendix was change enough for me but there were many more changes waiting for me. Those who are returning missionaries understand that while home is home so is the home you just left. Someone sent me a blog post about how missionaries can never go home and while I'm grateful to my parents and my family for everything they're doing to make adjusting easier for me, it's hard and I appreciate the many prayers you all are sending up. God has however shown me that I'm on the right path with little things. One huge thing was that at the airport, having just arrived and were waiting for my dad to bring the car around, I was just starting to tear up again thinking about Haiti, an older gentleman overheard me say that I was coming from Haiti and he was Haitian!!! We had a little chat in kreyol and I learned that there is a little Haitian community here in Kansas!!!!!!!!!! God is good and He has a plan :)
P.S. There will be another post about future plans later this week as I know you're wondering.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Thankful Week 4
The end of the week is wrapping up! There is good and blessings in every day and certainly every week. We did have a lot of news that was hard, some tears escaped and it made for a long week.
I am thankful that Jesus walks beside us, holds everything in His hands and that I am a work in progress.
I struggle with different things about myself. A lot of things actually... self worth being one of the biggest ones and I'm very sensitive. I shared my testimony this summer and bawled the whole way through it. I know that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and in the hard and weak points of my life these things become twisted as I dwell on them and become like chains that I wind and trap myself in; and all the while God is speaking to me and holding His hands out; just waiting for me hand them over. But it's hard, and though I want to hand them over it's a daily choice because somehow, if I don't continually hand things over to Him, I find myself wrapped back up in my chains of "worthlessness" once again.
But you know something? God is pleased with me. I am His daughter and though I push myself and feel horrible when things don't turn out perfectly; He is pleased with me. With us, all of us! Because He knows our thoughts and our hearts. Things don't have to be perfect for God to love us or "notice" us; He loved us when we didn't even know Him, He loved us in all our mess. He LOVES us.
Wow. Just let that sink in.
We are His children and He is the perfect fathe, continually helping His children to learn and to grow from the dried and broken ground into a beautiful creation reaching for the Son.
There is a song by Brandon Heath called Wait and See and some of the lyrics are:
I am thankful that Jesus walks beside us, holds everything in His hands and that I am a work in progress.
I struggle with different things about myself. A lot of things actually... self worth being one of the biggest ones and I'm very sensitive. I shared my testimony this summer and bawled the whole way through it. I know that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and in the hard and weak points of my life these things become twisted as I dwell on them and become like chains that I wind and trap myself in; and all the while God is speaking to me and holding His hands out; just waiting for me hand them over. But it's hard, and though I want to hand them over it's a daily choice because somehow, if I don't continually hand things over to Him, I find myself wrapped back up in my chains of "worthlessness" once again.
But you know something? God is pleased with me. I am His daughter and though I push myself and feel horrible when things don't turn out perfectly; He is pleased with me. With us, all of us! Because He knows our thoughts and our hearts. Things don't have to be perfect for God to love us or "notice" us; He loved us when we didn't even know Him, He loved us in all our mess. He LOVES us.
Wow. Just let that sink in.
We are His children and He is the perfect fathe, continually helping His children to learn and to grow from the dried and broken ground into a beautiful creation reaching for the Son.
There is a song by Brandon Heath called Wait and See and some of the lyrics are:
the farther out I go
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'
...
There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me
I have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Thankful: Week 2
There is a lot that I could write about this week and while I am thankful for all of it and would write a very long post I want to touch on one thing that kind of stands out the most.
I am thankful to be a member of God's family.
I'm truly overwhelmed with this.
God is my father. I don't know that I've ever struggled with that, it's always been a clear fact to me like: the sky is blue. But being a part of His family, being adopted into it, Him accepting me just as I am. That is hard to grasp sometimes.
Knowing several families that have adopted and seeing the adoption process here it's really opened my eyes and helped me to see God in a different light.
Before I start: Personally I have not adopted, been adopted or know everything about adoption and I'm just speaking as someone on the outside looking in so if I'm wrong I do apologize.
What I've come to see and to realize is that God truly adopts us into His family, think about it: (this does apply to biological parents as well and I know that sometimes adoptions do not go this way as there are sometimes different motives but adoption from the way I see it)
Adoptive parents spend a lot of money during the adoption process and after as they raise their child(ren)- God payed the ultimate price, He went above and beyond to be able to call us His own
Adoptive parents reach out though they keep getting pushed away - God is always reaching for us no matter how far away we push Him
Adoptive parents seek to build a loving relationship - God seeks a loving relationship with us
Adoptive parents see their children broken and hurt and still seek to bring them home and to give them the best they can - God sees us broken and hurt and still seems to bring us into His family and to guide us as we walk
Adoptive parents know it won't be easy and there will be a lot of sacrifices but they do it anyways out of love - God knew the sacrifice He would need to make in order to bring all of His sons and daughters into a relationship with Him and He did it because He loves us
Adoption is forever not temporary - We dont have three strikes and we're out of God's family. It's forever.
God wants ALL of us to be in His family! Not just the ones that the world has classified as: beautiful, skinny, strong, smart, successful etc for we are all precious in His sight. And His family.... wow, I am very blessed to be living and working with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. The way He transforms us as we draw closer and closer to Him and we begin to resemble Him as we listen and obey and follow where He leads us is so beautiful!!! You might have been told "oh, you have your father's eyes" or "oh, you have your mothers smile" well being a member of God's family I want people to look at me and say "She has her Heavenly father's heart and passion"
I make mistakes frequently. David was a man after God's own heart and he made mistakes too. But I'm still His daughter and though sometimes I let the lies and worries get the best of me He will always love me.
Very very thankful to be a part of God's family.
I am thankful to be a member of God's family.
I'm truly overwhelmed with this.
God is my father. I don't know that I've ever struggled with that, it's always been a clear fact to me like: the sky is blue. But being a part of His family, being adopted into it, Him accepting me just as I am. That is hard to grasp sometimes.
Knowing several families that have adopted and seeing the adoption process here it's really opened my eyes and helped me to see God in a different light.
Before I start: Personally I have not adopted, been adopted or know everything about adoption and I'm just speaking as someone on the outside looking in so if I'm wrong I do apologize.
What I've come to see and to realize is that God truly adopts us into His family, think about it: (this does apply to biological parents as well and I know that sometimes adoptions do not go this way as there are sometimes different motives but adoption from the way I see it)
Adoptive parents spend a lot of money during the adoption process and after as they raise their child(ren)- God payed the ultimate price, He went above and beyond to be able to call us His own
Adoptive parents reach out though they keep getting pushed away - God is always reaching for us no matter how far away we push Him
Adoptive parents seek to build a loving relationship - God seeks a loving relationship with us
Adoptive parents see their children broken and hurt and still seek to bring them home and to give them the best they can - God sees us broken and hurt and still seems to bring us into His family and to guide us as we walk
Adoptive parents know it won't be easy and there will be a lot of sacrifices but they do it anyways out of love - God knew the sacrifice He would need to make in order to bring all of His sons and daughters into a relationship with Him and He did it because He loves us
Adoption is forever not temporary - We dont have three strikes and we're out of God's family. It's forever.
God wants ALL of us to be in His family! Not just the ones that the world has classified as: beautiful, skinny, strong, smart, successful etc for we are all precious in His sight. And His family.... wow, I am very blessed to be living and working with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. The way He transforms us as we draw closer and closer to Him and we begin to resemble Him as we listen and obey and follow where He leads us is so beautiful!!! You might have been told "oh, you have your father's eyes" or "oh, you have your mothers smile" well being a member of God's family I want people to look at me and say "She has her Heavenly father's heart and passion"
I make mistakes frequently. David was a man after God's own heart and he made mistakes too. But I'm still His daughter and though sometimes I let the lies and worries get the best of me He will always love me.
Very very thankful to be a part of God's family.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Kaleidoscope World
Have you ever sat for awhile and looked through a kaleidoscope? Watched all the colors and changing patterns? Maybe found one you really like but couldn't find it once you turned or shook the tube? That's kind of what my life feels like right now, so many colors and patterns and I'm trying to find my place in it all.
The biggest thing is the children. I worked with 80 children last semester. Built relationships with them, knew them all by name, their individual little characteristics and a lot of their hard stories. Saying goodbye to them at English Camp I thought I knew which ones I would not be seeing again; seeing as we'd done pre registration for this year beforehand. I hugged them close, reminded them that Jesus and I both love them very much and that I would be praying for them. Though it was hard to say goodbye in all the chaos of three graduations, almost back to back; I felt ok about saying goodbye and there had only been 5 I thought. But coming back that was not the case and some we thought for sure were going to come back didn't.
That was hard.
I had said goodbye to these kids, but it wasn't the kind of goodbye that was a possibly forever goodbye! The first few days I was hit really hard with thoughts and worries and was very discouraged. Yes, I was SO happy to be back in my Haiti home but I kept battling with my mind and these thoughts as I missed the kids that were not at preschool:
"Do they know how much Jesus loves them?
Did I do my part?
Did they not want to come back?
Could I have done something else?
Am I actually helping here?
Are they going to school?
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Do they know they're loved?
Do they know???"
Then God brought to mind a conversation I had with one of my Haitian brothers and a fellow worker at Maranatha earlier this year. It was Friday and school had been let out early as usual and there was one little girl who was waiting on her mom to come pick her up, she also had a slight fever. We waited and waited and there was no sign of her father or mother. She started to get worried and began to cry, I picked her up, brought her inside, gave her some water, half a banana and held her close, rocking gently and assuring her that everything was going to be ok. She fell asleep in my arms and I just sat there rocking and watching her sleep my mind wondering about her life, both present and future.
He came in and asked about her, I explained the situation to him and as he sat down to lunch I began pouring out my heart to him "It's hard sending them home and not knowing what it's like or if they will be looked after properly..... I'm worried.... I want to take care of them.... I want them and their families to know God and to be safe and healthy.... I want so much for her" These words and more came pouring from my mouth and tears threatened to fall on her sleeping brow. He listened quietly, nodding his head as he ate and then when I stopped to catch my breath began saying "You know what you're doing; what we're all doing here is important.... we're planting seeds and we don't know what fruit will grow... we just teach and hope and pray.... but you're laying a foundation for them and if the foundation is strong they grow up to be Godly men and women and God knows the future Hope. We just have to trust and follow Him."
Such a wonderful reminder! God is constantly moving and changing hearts and though sometimes the colors and shapes can make our heads spin as we try to grasp what all is going on and what we're supposed to do, it truly is a beautiful, beautiful thing to watch and when you feel completely lost you have to open your eyes and take it all in and just smile and anticipate as the colors swirl by. And as you stand there He will come along, take your hand and twirl you into the middle of it at the perfect moment and direct you to the perfect place.
We are a preschool and "... all children grow up...." (peter pan) and it's hard to say goodbye not knowing where they will go or what they will do. I'm not a parent (don't plan on being one anytime soon) but as a big sister, babysitter, nanny, teacher and growing up some myself I see the world and it scares me. I see things that are allowed or people turn a blind eye too and it breaks my heart. We know that children starve to death, we know that children die from curable illnesses, we know that children do not have the money or the opportunity to go to school, we know that there are child slaves but yet we sit back send some money here or there and try not to look through the kaleidoscope at the grand design because we like it where it is and these things don't directly affect us.
But it does.
"...Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind..." ~ John Donne
I cannot help every child and I, myself can't even truly help a child without God's help. But I can love, care for, show Jesus to and know the children that God has placed right here in front of me and the children that grow and head off to other schools or places God will have someone else there to love, care, share His gift of eternal life and know them and show them that they are precious in His sight.
Maybe it will be you.
Don't be afraid to step into this kaleidoscope world and be swept into His story, whether He takes you across the sea or down the street; it's not always easy or simple but it's always worth it.
There are now 93 children enrolled in preschool. All so beautiful. All His. And I am excited to get to know the ones that I do not know and to continue building the relationships that I have with the others that were here last year. Maranatha is doing wonderful things and continuing to grow and to follow God wherever He leads as they feed and nurture these children: spiritually, mentally and physically. They have a truly beautiful role here and I'm honored to work and to figure out and do my part in this kaleidoscope world.
The biggest thing is the children. I worked with 80 children last semester. Built relationships with them, knew them all by name, their individual little characteristics and a lot of their hard stories. Saying goodbye to them at English Camp I thought I knew which ones I would not be seeing again; seeing as we'd done pre registration for this year beforehand. I hugged them close, reminded them that Jesus and I both love them very much and that I would be praying for them. Though it was hard to say goodbye in all the chaos of three graduations, almost back to back; I felt ok about saying goodbye and there had only been 5 I thought. But coming back that was not the case and some we thought for sure were going to come back didn't.
That was hard.
I had said goodbye to these kids, but it wasn't the kind of goodbye that was a possibly forever goodbye! The first few days I was hit really hard with thoughts and worries and was very discouraged. Yes, I was SO happy to be back in my Haiti home but I kept battling with my mind and these thoughts as I missed the kids that were not at preschool:
"Do they know how much Jesus loves them?
Did I do my part?
Did they not want to come back?
Could I have done something else?
Am I actually helping here?
Are they going to school?
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Do they know they're loved?
Do they know???"
Then God brought to mind a conversation I had with one of my Haitian brothers and a fellow worker at Maranatha earlier this year. It was Friday and school had been let out early as usual and there was one little girl who was waiting on her mom to come pick her up, she also had a slight fever. We waited and waited and there was no sign of her father or mother. She started to get worried and began to cry, I picked her up, brought her inside, gave her some water, half a banana and held her close, rocking gently and assuring her that everything was going to be ok. She fell asleep in my arms and I just sat there rocking and watching her sleep my mind wondering about her life, both present and future.
He came in and asked about her, I explained the situation to him and as he sat down to lunch I began pouring out my heart to him "It's hard sending them home and not knowing what it's like or if they will be looked after properly..... I'm worried.... I want to take care of them.... I want them and their families to know God and to be safe and healthy.... I want so much for her" These words and more came pouring from my mouth and tears threatened to fall on her sleeping brow. He listened quietly, nodding his head as he ate and then when I stopped to catch my breath began saying "You know what you're doing; what we're all doing here is important.... we're planting seeds and we don't know what fruit will grow... we just teach and hope and pray.... but you're laying a foundation for them and if the foundation is strong they grow up to be Godly men and women and God knows the future Hope. We just have to trust and follow Him."
Such a wonderful reminder! God is constantly moving and changing hearts and though sometimes the colors and shapes can make our heads spin as we try to grasp what all is going on and what we're supposed to do, it truly is a beautiful, beautiful thing to watch and when you feel completely lost you have to open your eyes and take it all in and just smile and anticipate as the colors swirl by. And as you stand there He will come along, take your hand and twirl you into the middle of it at the perfect moment and direct you to the perfect place.
We are a preschool and "... all children grow up...." (peter pan) and it's hard to say goodbye not knowing where they will go or what they will do. I'm not a parent (don't plan on being one anytime soon) but as a big sister, babysitter, nanny, teacher and growing up some myself I see the world and it scares me. I see things that are allowed or people turn a blind eye too and it breaks my heart. We know that children starve to death, we know that children die from curable illnesses, we know that children do not have the money or the opportunity to go to school, we know that there are child slaves but yet we sit back send some money here or there and try not to look through the kaleidoscope at the grand design because we like it where it is and these things don't directly affect us.
But it does.
"...Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind..." ~ John Donne
I cannot help every child and I, myself can't even truly help a child without God's help. But I can love, care for, show Jesus to and know the children that God has placed right here in front of me and the children that grow and head off to other schools or places God will have someone else there to love, care, share His gift of eternal life and know them and show them that they are precious in His sight.
Maybe it will be you.
Don't be afraid to step into this kaleidoscope world and be swept into His story, whether He takes you across the sea or down the street; it's not always easy or simple but it's always worth it.
There are now 93 children enrolled in preschool. All so beautiful. All His. And I am excited to get to know the ones that I do not know and to continue building the relationships that I have with the others that were here last year. Maranatha is doing wonderful things and continuing to grow and to follow God wherever He leads as they feed and nurture these children: spiritually, mentally and physically. They have a truly beautiful role here and I'm honored to work and to figure out and do my part in this kaleidoscope world.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Rest Easy
"You better rest while you're there" she said giving me a big hug as I said goodbye the night before I headed home. She said this sternly but with all the love in the world and I felt it. On the one side I didn't want to go home, I knew there were things to be done and by the time I returned we were hoping that over half of the kids in the children's home would be with their forever families and I would miss meeting their families and saying goodbye and what if school started?! I was so tempted to change my flight so I could meet one of the parents that was flying in the day I left and we would miss each other by a couple hours. I struggled with this but I felt His hand on me telling me that I needed to go home now for a short time so that I could stay for a longer time. And so I boarded the plane with half my heart left in Haiti but knowing this was His plan and having my mind set to enjoy my time and to rest so I could come back.
Part of resting meant: healing and healing meant: medicine and medicine meant: a trip to the doctors office. So, I went to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. I don't like hospitals or doctors offices, if I'm being completely honest, the thought of them makes me nauseous and having to spend any time in them just doesn't sit well with me. It's not like I've had horrible experiences or anything... it's kind of like peoples fear for the dentist. I've never been afraid of the dentist but doctors is another story. However, my mom and I walked in with the comfort of a warm starbucks in hand and took a seat. It was not a good C-virus day and me not wanting to be there didn't help with anything either. When our doctor came in and began talking, her words were "... she looks like she went through some rough stuff, the light thats normally in her eyes isn't, it isn't there and that worries me." it took me back hearing this; was it really that noticeable or that bad?! Yes, I felt bad but it wasn't... that bad surely!
I told her that I was only staying a month and she began talking to me about how she felt it would be wise to take another month off, how the poor will always be with us, that going back at 50% I will decrease faster than if I waited to go back till I was 100%, she continued talking about how Jesus rested and it took everything not to start bawling as she spoke these words to me. I knew she was speaking truth but I didn't want to believe it. Yes, I wasn't as 100% but it wasn't that bad and I would be ready to go in a month.
But when the test results came back and my thyroid levels were not where they should be my dr put me on medicine that would last 4 weeks and I would need to be checked once the medicine was gone to make sure the dosage was right; my flight was scheduled to leave in two weeks.
I choked up as I spoke in front of my church; when my Pastor asked me to tell them why I wanted to go back and how Haiti had captured my heart.
I started to cry as I put together a powerpoint to show at a fundraiser dinner I had and I put off writing a speech till a couple days before. My heart ached as all the sweet little faces popped up one right after the other, their little voices calling my head and I wanted nothing more than to be there with them. I wrote a speech, knowing that I would just cry if I didn't have a something set (though I didn't follow it to the letter) and it would be a good distraction.
I was not happy. I was angry.
Not angry at God, my doctor, family, friends or even complete strangers; though I think they all might have felt that I was and an angry outburst or two probably didn't help with their feelings but I was angry with myself. All the stress, culture shock, worries and aches bubbled over and were misdirected.
And so I basically ran, ran away from it all to find myself sobbing to a dear friend on a mission campus in Oklahoma City and that's where He found me and I found.... me.
There are 2 things I've done for as long as I can remember:
#1. Pushed myself through things. Thinking "it's not that bad" and "I can do this!" or the fact that "there are other people worse off than I am and doing way more things than I am"
#2. Beat myself up when I mess something up no matter how little it is.
One of my best friends taught me a long time ago that there are always 2 perspectives: yours and the other persons and that I should to try and look through both perspectives and then apply to God's word before doing anything rash. Well tried to teach me would be a better description as I usually ended up just kicking myself about it.
I've believed a lot of lies about myself growing up. Not necessarily lies that people fed or told me but ones that I gathered or took the wrong way. And these weighed on me; I thought and saw the best in people but the worst in myself.
But, God has helped me begin to untangle this web, piece by piece through: His word and countless people showing and telling me that taking care of myself is not selfish and is critical when you're working in and for God's Kingdom (which should be wherever you are in life)
I never saw myself as enough or believed that I was enough. I knew what God said, I knew that without Him we aren't enough, I knew I had Him, I knew other people were enough but for some reason I was excluded in my head. I encouraged and built other people up but tore myself down. Have you ever been told to "drink your own medicine" or to "listen to your own advice" or something along those lines? Well; I needed to be told that and God gave me four incredible friends in Haiti, the wonderful mom of my Haiti family and the house mama of the childrens home to tell and show me that I was a precious in God's eyes. Each in their own way sat me down and spoke truth into me and I cannot thank them all enough but I do say a very heartfelt thank you to: My Haiti mamas, good cop, bad cop, captain awesome and my canadian "mother" for everything they have said and done for me.
I'm still a work in progress. I'm still needing healing and rest (and I still feel like a lazy lump) but little by little I'm understanding more and being changed a little more to the beautiful masterpiece that He created me to be.
There was a song that I took to Haiti and I forgot about during the summer. Music has always played a big role in my life through dance, playing instruments and singing. And this song I feel God speaking to me and it is written by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Andrew Peterson. The chorus is:
You don't have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy
God says this about each and every single one of us. I write this with not only myself in mind but several missionary families and people that I know are breaking their backs and feeling beaten and lost. It's ok to rest in His arms for as long as it takes.
He loves you.
He delights in you.
He sings over you!
Yes! Isn't that such a comforting thought?! In the end it's you and Him not everyone you've ever met judging you, but you're loving Savior. If you need to rest then rest and rest easy however hard it may be or seem God wants you to rest and be at the fullest of your abilities. So together lets rest easy in Him though we see the work ahead and yearn to do it; rest because He knows your heart and has seen your work and is not judging or angry with you. This is not a punishment; but a gift.
Part of resting meant: healing and healing meant: medicine and medicine meant: a trip to the doctors office. So, I went to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. I don't like hospitals or doctors offices, if I'm being completely honest, the thought of them makes me nauseous and having to spend any time in them just doesn't sit well with me. It's not like I've had horrible experiences or anything... it's kind of like peoples fear for the dentist. I've never been afraid of the dentist but doctors is another story. However, my mom and I walked in with the comfort of a warm starbucks in hand and took a seat. It was not a good C-virus day and me not wanting to be there didn't help with anything either. When our doctor came in and began talking, her words were "... she looks like she went through some rough stuff, the light thats normally in her eyes isn't, it isn't there and that worries me." it took me back hearing this; was it really that noticeable or that bad?! Yes, I felt bad but it wasn't... that bad surely!
I told her that I was only staying a month and she began talking to me about how she felt it would be wise to take another month off, how the poor will always be with us, that going back at 50% I will decrease faster than if I waited to go back till I was 100%, she continued talking about how Jesus rested and it took everything not to start bawling as she spoke these words to me. I knew she was speaking truth but I didn't want to believe it. Yes, I wasn't as 100% but it wasn't that bad and I would be ready to go in a month.
But when the test results came back and my thyroid levels were not where they should be my dr put me on medicine that would last 4 weeks and I would need to be checked once the medicine was gone to make sure the dosage was right; my flight was scheduled to leave in two weeks.
I choked up as I spoke in front of my church; when my Pastor asked me to tell them why I wanted to go back and how Haiti had captured my heart.
I started to cry as I put together a powerpoint to show at a fundraiser dinner I had and I put off writing a speech till a couple days before. My heart ached as all the sweet little faces popped up one right after the other, their little voices calling my head and I wanted nothing more than to be there with them. I wrote a speech, knowing that I would just cry if I didn't have a something set (though I didn't follow it to the letter) and it would be a good distraction.
I was not happy. I was angry.
Not angry at God, my doctor, family, friends or even complete strangers; though I think they all might have felt that I was and an angry outburst or two probably didn't help with their feelings but I was angry with myself. All the stress, culture shock, worries and aches bubbled over and were misdirected.
And so I basically ran, ran away from it all to find myself sobbing to a dear friend on a mission campus in Oklahoma City and that's where He found me and I found.... me.
There are 2 things I've done for as long as I can remember:
#1. Pushed myself through things. Thinking "it's not that bad" and "I can do this!" or the fact that "there are other people worse off than I am and doing way more things than I am"
#2. Beat myself up when I mess something up no matter how little it is.
One of my best friends taught me a long time ago that there are always 2 perspectives: yours and the other persons and that I should to try and look through both perspectives and then apply to God's word before doing anything rash. Well tried to teach me would be a better description as I usually ended up just kicking myself about it.
I've believed a lot of lies about myself growing up. Not necessarily lies that people fed or told me but ones that I gathered or took the wrong way. And these weighed on me; I thought and saw the best in people but the worst in myself.
But, God has helped me begin to untangle this web, piece by piece through: His word and countless people showing and telling me that taking care of myself is not selfish and is critical when you're working in and for God's Kingdom (which should be wherever you are in life)
I never saw myself as enough or believed that I was enough. I knew what God said, I knew that without Him we aren't enough, I knew I had Him, I knew other people were enough but for some reason I was excluded in my head. I encouraged and built other people up but tore myself down. Have you ever been told to "drink your own medicine" or to "listen to your own advice" or something along those lines? Well; I needed to be told that and God gave me four incredible friends in Haiti, the wonderful mom of my Haiti family and the house mama of the childrens home to tell and show me that I was a precious in God's eyes. Each in their own way sat me down and spoke truth into me and I cannot thank them all enough but I do say a very heartfelt thank you to: My Haiti mamas, good cop, bad cop, captain awesome and my canadian "mother" for everything they have said and done for me.
I'm still a work in progress. I'm still needing healing and rest (and I still feel like a lazy lump) but little by little I'm understanding more and being changed a little more to the beautiful masterpiece that He created me to be.
There was a song that I took to Haiti and I forgot about during the summer. Music has always played a big role in my life through dance, playing instruments and singing. And this song I feel God speaking to me and it is written by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Andrew Peterson. The chorus is:
You don't have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy
God says this about each and every single one of us. I write this with not only myself in mind but several missionary families and people that I know are breaking their backs and feeling beaten and lost. It's ok to rest in His arms for as long as it takes.
He loves you.
He delights in you.
He sings over you!
Yes! Isn't that such a comforting thought?! In the end it's you and Him not everyone you've ever met judging you, but you're loving Savior. If you need to rest then rest and rest easy however hard it may be or seem God wants you to rest and be at the fullest of your abilities. So together lets rest easy in Him though we see the work ahead and yearn to do it; rest because He knows your heart and has seen your work and is not judging or angry with you. This is not a punishment; but a gift.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Home On the Range
What?! You're not in Haiti?! Suprise! Don't worry; I am going back, but here's a little glimpse into the past month stateside.
I left my the "island in the sun" the beginning of September to spend a couple days with my best friend and her husband in Florida. I was not able to attend their wedding in July as english camp was in full swing, but it was wonderful to spend a couple days with them and hear about it and spend time with them. I'm very thankful for them and all the hospitality and love they showed me by: driving 2 hours away to pick me up, giving me their comfy mattress to sleep on, 2 warm blankets (as I was freezing!) delicious food, a day at the beach, laughs and rest. They wouldn't let me do anything and this bothered me because I do like helping and cleaning; especially if I am a guest, but my best friend is also my "twin" and she can be just as stubborn as I can be and so I rested and slept and had a lovely time.
After that I flew to my home on the range; the same night as my brothers surprise birthday party! My dad picked me up from the airport, I ducked down in the car as we pulled into the garage, quickly changed into a party dress and made my way through the back of the house and into the kitchen. My mom had it all worked out and had me sit on a little scooter while she and dad (who were the only ones who knew about my homecoming) placed a huge cardboard box over the top and pushed me into the dining room. Jonathan began tearing off the wrapping paper and as light began to pour into the box I popped out and wrapped my arms around his neck shouting "Happy Birthday!" and kind of falling into him because the scooter slid, but no matter. I found out later he thought he was getting a puppy thus his stunned and interesting facial expression ;)
My brother and I are a little over a year apart. Growing up we weren't always the best of friends as he was the first boy and I was the fifth girl. But, we had some pretty fun times growing up, being the best of friends at times and the biggest enemies at other times, but he is my brother and I love him to pieces no matter what! I was really set back when I realized I wouldn't be there to take his senior pictures or be at his graduation; but that's part of being on the mission field and I was ecstatic that I got to be there for his birthday.
I planned to stay in the States till the beginning of October when preschool would start in Haiti. During this month I'd been giving very strict and loving instructions from my mamas in Haiti to rest and have fun. First part of resting was figuring out how to treat the C-Virus, we talked to our dear friend Dr. Joel Robbins, a natural health specialist in Tulsa who is truly an amazing person, he has changed countless lives and I could go on and on, but do go to his website and take a look around. He put me on some supplements to start building... well, me back up.
Next was a visit to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. This is a long story, and I will be writing another blog post on this visit, but the short of it is that my doctor was worried about a month in the States not being enough. She knew how much I wanted to get back and so we did the blood work and waited the results. They came back and my thyroid was not looking good. My doctor put me on medicine and said that she would have to see me in 4 weeks to check the dosage.... goodbye going to my Haiti home the first week of October.
I was crushed by this and when I found out that the government had decided to start school in September after all and I was missing the beginning of school I was not a happy camper... not one bit. But through different things, which I will write about in another post, God gave me peace about staying another month and so I changed my flight to the 28th of October.
During my time here I've been blessed to spend time with family (everyones so grown up) see friends, tell my stories about Haiti, photograph some families and seniors, rest, laugh and meet some new friends. I thank you all for your support it's been really amazing to see the people that have come through for me and supported me though they are going through some hard times.
God has blessed me SO much and I can't say thank you enough! I will be here till the 28th for those of you that I've not been able to connect with yet, message or call me and we'll try to work something out.
May God richly bless you all!
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Not Superhumans
I moved from the "Land of Perfection" to a little Island that is one of the "Scariest in All the Lands". I left the highest paying job to one where I'm not paid, said goodbye to adoring family and friends that eagerly await my homecoming and left everything "normal and comfortable" to go be a superhero and live with almost nothing.
Wait, back pedal.... somethings not right; oh haha nope, didn't do that. I left the States where bad and good things happen, where people are people to move to Haiti; where bad and good things happen and where people are; well people. I left a money paying job to work at another job that pays me in a spiritual and mental way, I said goodbye to friends as we all scattered to fulfill dreams, hugged and kissed my family goodbye as they sent me off knowing I was safe in Gods hands and I picked up my camera, journal, Bible and God's Hand to go capture, remember, grow, learn and to be used as He led me to go live in Haiti as a big sister and dance teacher with more blessings that I could have imagined.
As much as I want to be I am not a superhuman.
Going on a mission trip or moving to a new place you usually arrive and you're just so fired up and ready to learn and help out and you have so many hopes and dreams and plans and you're going to make them ALL come true! But; when I was 17, I went on a mission trip to China, the woman leading our group was a mother of 4 children that had been adopted from China. Having made several trips to China and having a large group of 12, we had weekly meetings and she beat into our heads "Be flexible, BE flexible, BE FLEXIBLE!" I say this in the most imperative way. Coming from a Christian family where all of us were home schooled my parents had taught me manners and respect for authority. I knew Tami was our leader, that she'd been to China before, she had our best interests in mind and so there was nothing to worry about and no question of whether she was right or wrong and I left with the only worry being that I'd miss a chance to shine.
On that trip we were tested in our flexibility when our hotel, that had been booked in advance and that our contact in Beijing had made sure of either the same day or the previous one, no longer had our rooms. When we traveled to "every" hotel in Beijing until early into the morning and finally crashed at our contacts house; some in beds other on couches or the floor. I had flexibility when I was "lost" in the pearl market (that story is for another time) when I got a little boy instead of the little girl I was POSITIVE I was going to get, when I thought my translator didn't like me, when the pool was closed and a new activity had to be found, when there were unexpected free times, when saying goodbye to the children that had stolen our hearts, when a passport was stolen and two of our teammates did not return with us waiting on a new passport to arrive.
God however always showed us the "reason why" we went through these things: We had the most amazing breakfast to wake up to that our contacts wife made and we got to hear their perspective a little more than we would have, God showed me how to keep a level head and make smart decisions, God gave me a little brother and made my translator feel more at home and connect better with both of us, I learned just how many languages and dialects there are in China and how my translator didn't speak the same one our little brother did, but she could understand 3/4 of what he said. The kids got to go to a movie theater, tons of laughs and stories were shared, hearts were broken for the better and God wasn't finished with two members of our team in China.
China grew me in a lot of ways and I didn't realize how much until I went to Ireland with my dance team last summer. Also, my parents took special care in choosing each of my siblings names and I have to say my parents were spot on with each of us. If you didn't already know my name is Hope, on my birth announcement was the Bible verse Titus 2:13 which happens to be my birth date. I hope for Jesus' coming and for the best in people and in life though sometimes it's hard I still strive to find that glimmer. As my faith has grown I've found that I'm not worried about a majority of things because I know, I legitimately know that God has His hands around me and whatever happens He will give me the strength and the knowledge to make it through. This doesn't mean that I don't have that moment of panic or uncertainty (I am human remember) but I always return to rest in His peaceful arms and I thank Jesus for the strength to do that.
Heading to Haiti I didn't have a big elaborate plan, I wasn't even positive I was going until a month or so before I landed in Haiti. God made it clear that I was supposed to go however and so I jumped from the top of the mountain into the clouds below.
I feel like I took my first few weeks slowly as I learned the language but then I just started running, pouring, driving myself as the needs I saw came at me like a meteor shower. I didn't feel like I was doing enough or really anything, but God was using me and I didn't realize this until God brought me a friend, my fellow intern here at Maranatha who opened my eyes to the littlest things and showed me how God had been working. Reminded me that while its great to pour out you have to be poured into because we can't run on our own steam and we need to be going to God's word daily. I've never loved or done devotions as much as I do here.
God was trying to show and tell me, to take time and that I was doing a good job and actually during devotions I heard His voice tell me this and it brought me to tears. I still didn't slow up or take time for myself. Didn't see it as a need or a high priority. God brought me three more friends, 3 girls that volunteered here, two were close friends from Canada that were working with us for two weeks and then heading up into the mountains to work with an orphanage and the other came from Texas and ended up staying an extra two weeks! We all became very close and they poured into me opening my eyes once again; but still I wasn't taking the time God wanted me to. I got an infection on my finger and had to sit for a good 30 minutes soaking it till the hot water became cold to draw it out 4x's a day for several weeks. Though I always managed to find something to do while soaking it. God is stubborn and my old dance injury began to act up so I was sitting for a good hour with ice on my back. Couldn't do a whole lot during that time and I think God began to smile.
My second week of helping run the preschool while the Tluceks were stateside for graduations I was hit hard with a virus; I had a migraine, aches and cramps in my stomach, side, hands and feet along with being incredibly nauseous but I never threw up no matter how much I wanted to and I was VERY out of it. This had me in bed, much to my dismay but both Madame Sue and James convinced me that it was better to miss one or two days than an entire week of preschool. I tried to be angry at myself for "slacking off" and "not helping" but though I was upset I wasn't angry, I heard the kids voices and wanted to cry because I missed them but there was only an ache because I knew that they were all in good hands and I would see them soon, I tried not to enjoy all the sleep and a chance to read a couple books though I was in pain I hadn't gotten to sit down and read for awhile. I laid in bed Tuesday and Wednesday tried to get up Thursday and was able to do meeting in the morning but the pain in my side was leaving my breathless and so I went back to bed. Friday I was determined to do craft with the kids as it was one I'd been looking forward to. James and Madame Sue know me pretty well and after I'd told them I felt ok they responded "Ok what exactly does that mean?" I passed the test however and was allowed to help in craft if I sat for most of it and went to bed at lunchtime. Walking out I was immediately greeted with "HOPE! HOPE! MWEN HOPE!!! MWEN SONJE OU!!! MWEN RENMEN OU" (My Hope, I missed you, I love you) I had the biggest smile and tears in my eyes as I hugged and kissed each one of them.
Over the weekend I wasn't sleeping well at night, still had an awful headache, had to rest and felt off and out of it. Monday: Madame Sue put me on Malaria medicine and wowzah, powered through the first half of the day as I wanted to do dance for the kids but after the last class I went to bed and crashed without being told.
Tuesday: took it easy and took pictures of the kids playing with parachute and balls; the lady that cleans after meals was sick with the new Chikungunya virus and so I pushed through to
clean up, sweep and mop for the afternoon classes but I felt super nauseous and lightheaded and finished as quickly as possible before crashing yet again.
Wednesday: I got to do lunch and a small piece of recess but I took my last malaria pills soon after recess and had to go lie down; kids were not thrilled but I told them Thursday I would stay up and be able to tell them all goodbye.
Thursday: came and I woke up feeling like a completely new person which I know was all God's doing because we were incredibly short staffed as the Chikungunya virus was making it's rounds and I jumped in and helped lead the 2's class which is our largest group. I had an absolute blast and recess we played the kids favorite game "Going on a Lion Hunt" which you have to have two interns to play and I was able to say goodbye to the kids and send them home with a hug and kiss.
Friday: my fellow intern was electrocuted and sent to bed. Turned the day around and I ended up doing bikes around the pool which I've secretly been missing and wanting to do for a long time. We only had 60 kids come which seems like nothing but was a blessing and the day went so smoothly I give God all the glory for that.
Through this entire experience God taught me several different lessons but the most prominent one is that I need to give my worries and cares to Him before they settle on my shoulders and I'm driving to do anything and everything despite how I feel and end up in bed with a virus.
We are not superhumans and God has a way of reminding us on the mission field; wherever that is for you on this earth. We can't do everything; we just can't. We cannot depend on our own power and strength because we will find the bottom of a small container where His power and strength is bottomless. When God tells us in Matthew 16:24 to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily He doesn't exactly mean go make yourself miserable and don't take care of yourself. The NLV puts it this way "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me." taking time to rest and refresh yourself in His love and peace is not selfish. Something I'm learning and probably will continue to "learn" for a very long time.
All of this to say that I knew I was giving things up when I moved, I knew God was asking me to give things up and when I came to Haiti I told God "I'm following You and therefore I have everything I need." and we're all called to do this in our daily lives. I'm nobody supernatural I'm simply trying to follow God and glorify Him.
Remember: You're not a superhuman, take time to seek Him because you are His child and He loves you to pieces.
Wait, back pedal.... somethings not right; oh haha nope, didn't do that. I left the States where bad and good things happen, where people are people to move to Haiti; where bad and good things happen and where people are; well people. I left a money paying job to work at another job that pays me in a spiritual and mental way, I said goodbye to friends as we all scattered to fulfill dreams, hugged and kissed my family goodbye as they sent me off knowing I was safe in Gods hands and I picked up my camera, journal, Bible and God's Hand to go capture, remember, grow, learn and to be used as He led me to go live in Haiti as a big sister and dance teacher with more blessings that I could have imagined.
As much as I want to be I am not a superhuman.
Going on a mission trip or moving to a new place you usually arrive and you're just so fired up and ready to learn and help out and you have so many hopes and dreams and plans and you're going to make them ALL come true! But; when I was 17, I went on a mission trip to China, the woman leading our group was a mother of 4 children that had been adopted from China. Having made several trips to China and having a large group of 12, we had weekly meetings and she beat into our heads "Be flexible, BE flexible, BE FLEXIBLE!" I say this in the most imperative way. Coming from a Christian family where all of us were home schooled my parents had taught me manners and respect for authority. I knew Tami was our leader, that she'd been to China before, she had our best interests in mind and so there was nothing to worry about and no question of whether she was right or wrong and I left with the only worry being that I'd miss a chance to shine.
On that trip we were tested in our flexibility when our hotel, that had been booked in advance and that our contact in Beijing had made sure of either the same day or the previous one, no longer had our rooms. When we traveled to "every" hotel in Beijing until early into the morning and finally crashed at our contacts house; some in beds other on couches or the floor. I had flexibility when I was "lost" in the pearl market (that story is for another time) when I got a little boy instead of the little girl I was POSITIVE I was going to get, when I thought my translator didn't like me, when the pool was closed and a new activity had to be found, when there were unexpected free times, when saying goodbye to the children that had stolen our hearts, when a passport was stolen and two of our teammates did not return with us waiting on a new passport to arrive.
God however always showed us the "reason why" we went through these things: We had the most amazing breakfast to wake up to that our contacts wife made and we got to hear their perspective a little more than we would have, God showed me how to keep a level head and make smart decisions, God gave me a little brother and made my translator feel more at home and connect better with both of us, I learned just how many languages and dialects there are in China and how my translator didn't speak the same one our little brother did, but she could understand 3/4 of what he said. The kids got to go to a movie theater, tons of laughs and stories were shared, hearts were broken for the better and God wasn't finished with two members of our team in China.
China grew me in a lot of ways and I didn't realize how much until I went to Ireland with my dance team last summer. Also, my parents took special care in choosing each of my siblings names and I have to say my parents were spot on with each of us. If you didn't already know my name is Hope, on my birth announcement was the Bible verse Titus 2:13 which happens to be my birth date. I hope for Jesus' coming and for the best in people and in life though sometimes it's hard I still strive to find that glimmer. As my faith has grown I've found that I'm not worried about a majority of things because I know, I legitimately know that God has His hands around me and whatever happens He will give me the strength and the knowledge to make it through. This doesn't mean that I don't have that moment of panic or uncertainty (I am human remember) but I always return to rest in His peaceful arms and I thank Jesus for the strength to do that.
Heading to Haiti I didn't have a big elaborate plan, I wasn't even positive I was going until a month or so before I landed in Haiti. God made it clear that I was supposed to go however and so I jumped from the top of the mountain into the clouds below.
I feel like I took my first few weeks slowly as I learned the language but then I just started running, pouring, driving myself as the needs I saw came at me like a meteor shower. I didn't feel like I was doing enough or really anything, but God was using me and I didn't realize this until God brought me a friend, my fellow intern here at Maranatha who opened my eyes to the littlest things and showed me how God had been working. Reminded me that while its great to pour out you have to be poured into because we can't run on our own steam and we need to be going to God's word daily. I've never loved or done devotions as much as I do here.
God was trying to show and tell me, to take time and that I was doing a good job and actually during devotions I heard His voice tell me this and it brought me to tears. I still didn't slow up or take time for myself. Didn't see it as a need or a high priority. God brought me three more friends, 3 girls that volunteered here, two were close friends from Canada that were working with us for two weeks and then heading up into the mountains to work with an orphanage and the other came from Texas and ended up staying an extra two weeks! We all became very close and they poured into me opening my eyes once again; but still I wasn't taking the time God wanted me to. I got an infection on my finger and had to sit for a good 30 minutes soaking it till the hot water became cold to draw it out 4x's a day for several weeks. Though I always managed to find something to do while soaking it. God is stubborn and my old dance injury began to act up so I was sitting for a good hour with ice on my back. Couldn't do a whole lot during that time and I think God began to smile.
My second week of helping run the preschool while the Tluceks were stateside for graduations I was hit hard with a virus; I had a migraine, aches and cramps in my stomach, side, hands and feet along with being incredibly nauseous but I never threw up no matter how much I wanted to and I was VERY out of it. This had me in bed, much to my dismay but both Madame Sue and James convinced me that it was better to miss one or two days than an entire week of preschool. I tried to be angry at myself for "slacking off" and "not helping" but though I was upset I wasn't angry, I heard the kids voices and wanted to cry because I missed them but there was only an ache because I knew that they were all in good hands and I would see them soon, I tried not to enjoy all the sleep and a chance to read a couple books though I was in pain I hadn't gotten to sit down and read for awhile. I laid in bed Tuesday and Wednesday tried to get up Thursday and was able to do meeting in the morning but the pain in my side was leaving my breathless and so I went back to bed. Friday I was determined to do craft with the kids as it was one I'd been looking forward to. James and Madame Sue know me pretty well and after I'd told them I felt ok they responded "Ok what exactly does that mean?" I passed the test however and was allowed to help in craft if I sat for most of it and went to bed at lunchtime. Walking out I was immediately greeted with "HOPE! HOPE! MWEN HOPE!!! MWEN SONJE OU!!! MWEN RENMEN OU" (My Hope, I missed you, I love you) I had the biggest smile and tears in my eyes as I hugged and kissed each one of them.
Over the weekend I wasn't sleeping well at night, still had an awful headache, had to rest and felt off and out of it. Monday: Madame Sue put me on Malaria medicine and wowzah, powered through the first half of the day as I wanted to do dance for the kids but after the last class I went to bed and crashed without being told.
Tuesday: took it easy and took pictures of the kids playing with parachute and balls; the lady that cleans after meals was sick with the new Chikungunya virus and so I pushed through to
clean up, sweep and mop for the afternoon classes but I felt super nauseous and lightheaded and finished as quickly as possible before crashing yet again.
Wednesday: I got to do lunch and a small piece of recess but I took my last malaria pills soon after recess and had to go lie down; kids were not thrilled but I told them Thursday I would stay up and be able to tell them all goodbye.
Thursday: came and I woke up feeling like a completely new person which I know was all God's doing because we were incredibly short staffed as the Chikungunya virus was making it's rounds and I jumped in and helped lead the 2's class which is our largest group. I had an absolute blast and recess we played the kids favorite game "Going on a Lion Hunt" which you have to have two interns to play and I was able to say goodbye to the kids and send them home with a hug and kiss.
Friday: my fellow intern was electrocuted and sent to bed. Turned the day around and I ended up doing bikes around the pool which I've secretly been missing and wanting to do for a long time. We only had 60 kids come which seems like nothing but was a blessing and the day went so smoothly I give God all the glory for that.
Through this entire experience God taught me several different lessons but the most prominent one is that I need to give my worries and cares to Him before they settle on my shoulders and I'm driving to do anything and everything despite how I feel and end up in bed with a virus.
We are not superhumans and God has a way of reminding us on the mission field; wherever that is for you on this earth. We can't do everything; we just can't. We cannot depend on our own power and strength because we will find the bottom of a small container where His power and strength is bottomless. When God tells us in Matthew 16:24 to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily He doesn't exactly mean go make yourself miserable and don't take care of yourself. The NLV puts it this way "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me." taking time to rest and refresh yourself in His love and peace is not selfish. Something I'm learning and probably will continue to "learn" for a very long time.
All of this to say that I knew I was giving things up when I moved, I knew God was asking me to give things up and when I came to Haiti I told God "I'm following You and therefore I have everything I need." and we're all called to do this in our daily lives. I'm nobody supernatural I'm simply trying to follow God and glorify Him.
Remember: You're not a superhuman, take time to seek Him because you are His child and He loves you to pieces.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Fearless Leader
AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY DAD GRADUATES TODAY!!!!!!
My dad has worked so very hard for this and I couldn't be more proud. I remember helping to pack lunch as well as dinner for dad shortly after we moved into the schoolhouse, my older sisters placing notes and cards in his car and lunchbox encouraging him because we all knew how he hated taking time away from being with family. Family has always been important to my dad and I have to say that dad, you've set a pretty amazing example for each of your children.
Through the years dad, you've shown us what perseverance is as you've worked tirelessly towards this goal, you've shown us grace as we've bothered you while you're studying to help us with any number of things and you've set aside the heavy textbook or set down the flashcards to answer our questions or fix whatever was broken. You showed self-control when the rest of us headed out to see a movie or off to an event and you stayed behind to study because you knew you had a tough test coming, though we all knew you'd get an A on it. You showed us love as you wrapped us in hugs or joked around when we'd had hard days or were just being pills. You showed us how much you care about us as through every class, test and long study nights we were always your main concern. I have a pair of dangly, silver, post earrings that you gave me one Christmas after you'd been really busy with work as well as with college classes and while I've collected numerous pairs of earring over the years the dangling star earrings are still my favorite.
You've always been there for each of us and you always seem to know what each of us need when things aren't going right. You've been a huge Godly example as well and your unwavering faith is something that's always inspired me.
I'm so glad that you are with us today, fire can't stop my dad!
Thank you for all of the sacrifices and long hours you've put into providing for our family, for all the fun adventurous that we've been on together or you've provided a way for us to go. Today you've shown us that all of that hard work and sacrifice pays off as you graduate with honors today. I wish I could have been there but I hope you know how unbelievably proud I am of you and I hope you heard my voice cheering as you received your diploma.
I love you daddy forever and always
Your Hoper
My dad dancing with me for my senior dance recital
Italy with my parents and brother
France~
My family
My dad handing me my high school diploma
CONGRADULATIONS!!!!!
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