Waiting

*I will be writing another blog post at some point, detailing more of my health journey the past few months, but this was what was on my heart to share with you today.

The world is a scary place, it's always been but, as I'm growing older it seems especially daunting what with: the threat of ISIS, the presidential race, a horrible mass shooting 15min from my families homes, fires that have burned thousands of acres of farmland and homes, the attack on godly morals in the USA, the normality of broken families, the lack of true relationships and an uncertain future in this world that's going downhill fast... but wait, the future, however we may feel and worry about it, is extremely certain. Jesus taking up humanity, dying and coming back to life was not for a lost cause! This world will not last, Satan doesn't have the final say, Jesus made a way for us to live and to be with Him forever, that is the GREATEST news we will ever receive!

We forget this truth in the midst of our fears. Faith and life is not always easy and hey Jesus' life wasn't easy! But, where your focus is and what your attitude is, changes everything. If we're focusing on God, trusting that His will and timing are perfect, that fear is transformed to faith and our attitude is not one that is not giving up on the world but sees the hope and potential in people. 

One of my favorite Bible stories is Joseph. Joseph knew a thing or two about waiting - I often forget that Joseph's story doesn't take place in a couple of months. He was imprisoned for over 3 years and 15 years passed before he saw his dream come true. What has always stood out to me is Joseph's character while he was waiting for God's plan and blessings, he was: faithful, loving, kind and trusted God even though he had been sold into slavery and imprisoned for something he didn't do! In the end we see that God was preparing Joseph to become second in command of all Egypt through the many trials Joseph encountered.
God has done and will do great things with and through us, but, if we're focused on ourselves or caught up in fear, we will miss opportunities. God doesn't need us and honestly there are billions of other people He can use, and He will if we're not open and willing to His leading.

Waiting on God, trusting Him through this life is not always fun and easy, but where in the Bible was the promise that it would be?  

Matthew 10:22 "You will be hated by all because of My name" 

Luke 21:16-17 "But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death, and you will be hated by all because of My name." 

Acts 14:22 "Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God."

2 Timothy 3:12 "Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."

Philippians 1:29 "For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake,

1 John 3:13 Do not be surprised, brethren, if the world hates you.
Wow.... ok, didn't need that reminder Hope! Sorry! However, it's the truth but, the second half of that promise are found in some of the following:
Romans 5:3–4 "... but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good, to those who love God to those who are called according to His purpose"Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation[ has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted  beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."2 Corinthians 4:7–12 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed"

Revelation 2:10

'Do not fear what you are about to suffer....Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life"

It has been 4 months since I had surgery and flew back to Kansas. This is my first blog post this year and I do have to admit that my focus and attitude have not always been where and what they should be (I'm still human sorry; I know you're shocked) I've been frustrated, angry, worried and felt completely lost. I'm not healing as fast as I would like to be and I feel like a waste of space some days. However, I'm having more good health days then bad, I've had some fun times with a couple of friends and my family and God reminds me on a daily basis that our worth is not determined by our works and God rested on the 7th day and Jesus took time to rest and be rejuvenated. I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Waiting. 

You Never Let Me Down

(This was written in May but somewhere in the craziness was never posted so, here it is)

Last year, around this time I wrote an post on the Chikungunya virus and what God was teaching me through it. Well May seems to be the month of sickness for me in Haiti; Wednesday, the 13th of May, I came down with a case of mumps that had spread like wildfire through the preschool. It was kind of funny as I learned that the literal kreyol translation for mumps is: sick sheep and was told by my fellow teachers and Haitian brothers that when they call out "malmouton" (sick sheep) I have to "baa" and I will be healed. It didn't work but the staff did visit me in my room for a good laugh at my swollen cheeks and to pray over me. Such wonderful, God loving people.

After spending almost a week in bed, I was able to be up that Monday though it was a holiday so no school. Tuesday I got to play, gently, with my preschoolers. However, Wednesday I woke with with a horrible migraine, nausea, hot sweats, fever, chills, a weird chest pain and vomiting. The first day I slept the majority of it, holding a pillow over my head and a thick blanket to somehow block out: preschool, airplanes landing and taking off, motorcycles, drums, horns, cars, bells, dogs.... everything; it hurt to open my eyes, even the dark was too bright and the noise, the tiniest thing was SO loud. 

I've been having issues with nightmares while living in Haiti and the second day I had this urgency to be with Jesus and to really just focus on Him and it honestly turned into one of the sweetest times with Jesus I've ever had, just listening to His voice which cut through the loud noise like a soothing lullaby. The night before, a dear friend, who I hadn't spoken to in awhile, skyped me & had reminded me that God is holding me and telling me that He loves me over and over and over again and I need to stop and listen. It was truly a gift from God because as I lay there, "hiding" from the world, recalling these words; I heard God whispering it to me and I began to go through all the Bible verses my mom had my siblings and me memorize in school (thank you mamacita) and this peace and even joy touched my heart as I lay there the 7 dwarfs mining away at me skull and God blessed me with beautiful dreams and deep sleep.

The third day I was doing better but, if I moved I was lunging for the bathroom to throw up, not my favorite thing in the world. It didn't hurt to open my eyes anymore and I could look at a screen for 10 minutes before I started seeing spots :p I updated y'all and then began listening to music on my ipod; God always speaks to me through music and (as my wonderful madame Sue force fed me rehydration fluid every 10 min) I put my ipod on shuffle listening to my favorite christian artist worship God and I was touched so deeply as I listened to the words and felt the power behind the music. My heart and soul began to worship and His presence surrounded me as I lay there.

There is a lady who toured with one of my all time favorite artists and authors: Andrew Peterson (seriously go look him up if you don't know his work and buy it ALL) her name was Jill Philips. And I remember being so touched by her as a 13-14 year old that I spent the money I'd earned that week buying both her CD's and I listened to her for months! I haven't listened to her for a few years but one of my favorite songs came on that day and it spoke such truth, I cried. Here is my favorite part of the song: 

You might let me cry
You might let me sing
You might let me feel a fraction of your suffering
But you won't let me down
You never let me down

If I could just stop striving
And surrender to your holy power
I know your loving arms will lift me up
And never let me down
You never let me down

I struggle with letting people down; even thinking that I might throws a wrench in my stomach and I'll do just about anything to not let people down. And that's wrong. God didn't make me to please people. He gave me a heart to feel deeply and to love courageously, eyes to see needs, feet to go where He is and hands to hold those who are falling apart all in His name and for His glory alone. He's never let me down and He's never once called me a bad name or pushed me away from Him because I didn't do a "perfect job" or I didn't "work hard enough" or I spent all day in bed.... no... in every moment of our day there is time to draw closer to God, to stop and just be in His presence, seeking His will and just listening. Especially when you're laying in bed doing... nothing. God doesn't waste time. He could have sent Jesus as a grown man down to earth, Jesus could have only spent and week on this earth but He didn't. And for so many reasons I'm positive I don't know all of them. But He's always seeking us and by our side, It's not all for not; no matter how painful it gets or how many tears you cry if your heart is chasing after Him your life, though it may not go exactly how you'd like, will be an incredible adventure and as you look back you'll see His hand and though it seemed like you were in the pit of despair he really never let you down.

I did, after one failed trip to the doctor, another successful trip to the doctor, tests, rehydration fluid, prayers, medication and a ton of sleep get better. My tests all came back negative, we think it was the new Zika virus or one of the many unnamed virus here in Haiti ;) I'm continuing to plug away here in Haiti, I appreciate all the prayers and donations you guys send. There will be more updates coming soon!

Oh Be Careful

"She is mean!"

Was the phrase that came out when I explained why I'd asked for prayer for a certain two year old. I hadn't been back very long, but this little girl had caught my attention. I'd watched as she'd bit, kicked, hit, stole another child's food repeatedly throughout the week and when corrected she would look at me or another teacher, soaking it all in and respond to everything with a confident "Wi" (yes) responding to "You know that's wrong" or "Don't do that again, ok?" but she would turn around and do it a few minutes later!

God, how do I reach this child?

Its funny how God speaks and uses so many different things to touch us. I had started to stick with this little girl, when I wasn't teaching dance; keeping her close, playing with her and just loving on her and it seemed to be making a difference. Then, one day she was sitting on my lap and a little boy came and did something, honestly I don't remember what it was, but I gave his hand a pat and told him "no, don't do that." The little girl then took a swat at his hand repeating what I had said... it was as if her slap had hit me in the face instead. She was watching me and had swung the other way, she was now a little "professor" discipling kids! I asked her teachers and they told me that yes when they reprimand a child she comes running over to do it too. 

God, is this my fault?

I blame myself and beat myself up, mentally, a lot for different things. Which is not healthy and something God is working through with me. A lot of things had been piling on my heart and mind as my eyes were being opened more and more to what these children went home to every day. But, this thought knocked the wind out of me and I wasn't sure where to go. Today though God showed me something that humbled me.

There are a handful of kids I watch when they eat breakfast and lunch. They do not get a lot to eat at home, one needs water instead of milk, one wants to take food home, another is... too weak to eat is the only way I can think to describe it and another isn't up to trying new foods. So, I usually feed these children by hand sit with them on my lap and sometimes they eat and sometimes I try again at lunch. As I came in to check on one of them the little girl was trying to feed the child I was checking on! This child was her own age and honestly wasn't going to be fed by her, but she'd been watching me and was copying me.

I cried.

Children are the next generation, children copy what they see others do, whether it is good or bad. What we are doing matters; God reminds me of this so much! And it's important to be a godly example to these children and to love them with a Christ like love because you're not just helping to change a life but a nation too. We aren't perfect, we'll mess up but hopefully we'll all learn and love through it all.

This is a song that we sing at preschool and you all may have sung it at one point in your lives or another; but this song really stuck to my heart while I was holding my little girl or shadow as she's now being called. 

"Oh be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!) *insert children shouting this last part

Oh be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!)

For the Father up above

He is looking down in love

So, be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!)

I pray that people, not just the children at the preschool, would see Jesus through me.

"Be careful little ears what you hear"

I pray that I listen to God's words and let them fill me.

"Be careful little mouth what you say"

I pray my words are encouraging and loving at all times.

"Be careful little hands what you do"

I pray I am gentle, kind and a servant.

"Be careful little feet where you go"

I pray I follow God wherever He takes me, in a day, week, month and the years ahead.

Shall We Dance?

Started dance this past week! Took the first week off to: adjust back into my Haiti home, learn the new schedule of the preschool, as well as all 38 names of the children that are new to Maranatha's preschool program. Which was a blessing as adjusting back was not as easy as I thought it would be.

Last school year was my first year teaching in Haiti and we learned a lot about the do's and don'ts of teaching dance in Haiti. This year I have new space! My director had the brilliant idea to move dance class inside the carport, no more standing water, the temptation of the swing set or danger of falling coconuts, etc. I now have three walls in my classroom and it's helped immensely as far as keeping the class together and organized! It's only been the first week and I can already tell the difference from last year.

Also, my director changed the schedule of the classes and stations so that we split all of the classes into three groups, on Mondays the A groups have dance class, Wednesday the B groups and on Fridays the C groups. In each group there are 10-11 kids which is very different from simply splitting the classes in half and changing stations at the halfway point. Though this does mean that I no longer have a helper or a translator, yikes! I did pray that I would be learning more creole though before I returned. Don't you love God's sense of humor?!

Monday, the first day of dance class, was hectic. Kids were running around, not listening or obeying, some refusing to do anything and then 2's schedule got all mixed up and I had two classes instead of one; needless to say it was discouraging. But first days are supposed to be tough, they make the progress of the year more exciting and worth it... right? Yes, however this was not my attitude when I woke up Wednesday. I felt like Satan just hung a dark cloud over me as I sat on the floor of my bedroom having not slept well the night before, thoughts of whether what I was doing was worth it or even right hounding me and the C-virus not being kind. As I sat there thought the school next door began to play "You are Holy" and other songs like it and I knew I needed to stand up and go to class. I didn't feel like I had the strength and I wanted to crawl back in bed but I did my devotions and ate my breakfast and headed to class.

My first class was 10 of the oldest children in our preschool. They all attended Maranatha last year; and performed a dance on graduation day. They did fantastic! All of them listened, were excited to show me what they remembered, some of them had practiced during the summer and one of the boys, who had had difficulty with jumps in first position, jumped perfectly the very first time!!!!!! For those of you that know me or have taught alongside me you can imagine my happy dance and the cheering that happened. The 2's listened, participated and there was a lot of laughing and giggling as they tried to get their feet into 1st position. Did they all obey? No, but they're 2 and for the most part they all participated.

My final class for the day came. This group were a lot of work last year and I was a little worried but they ended up being the best class of the day! They were excited to dance, to repeat what I was saying, proud that they remembered first position and were just eager to learn. What a turn around!!!

I love teaching dance as well as dancing and am so honored to have the opportunity to use my God given passion and gifts here in Haiti. I don't know what God has planned but I am content and look forward to the future.

Thankful Week 3

Wow, was that just one week?! Time either flies or drags along it seems. And this was a long week  where bits and pieces flew. I'm not complaining and saying this week was horrible, there was just a lot packed into it, lots of stress but also it was a week in His kingdom, doing something I love. There will be another blog post shortly following this but; thankful. What am I thankful for this week?

I am thankful that God answers our prayers.

Yes, sometimes it seems like He doesn't. But I learned from a very young age, when my mom had my siblings and I memorize: A Poem by: Amy Carmichael, that He answers every prayer we say.

Just a tiny little child

Three years old,

And a mother with a heart

All of gold.

Often did that mother say,

Jesus hears us when we pray,

For He's never far away

And He always answers.

Now, that tiny little child

Had brown eyes,

And she wanted blue instead

Like blue skies.

For her mothers eyes were blue

Like forget-me-nots. She knew

All her mother said was true,

Jesus always answers.

So she prayed for two blue eyes,

Said "Good night,"

Went to sleep in deep content

And delight.

Woke up early, climbed a chair

By a mirror. Where, O where

Could the blue eyes be? Not there;

Jesus hadn't answered.

Hadn't answered her at all;

Never more 

Could she pray; her eyes were brown

As before.

Did a little soft wind blow?

Came a whisper soft and low,

"Jesus answered. He said, No;

Isn't No and answer?"

I was homeschooled and when my mom wanted us to remember something or truly understand something she did a pretty amazing job of helping us remember or figure it out. Something I really just started seeing and am grateful for. But when we memorized this mom explained why God said "No" and how if she had gotten her way she would not have been able to rescue all of the children from the temples that she did! 

This past Monday didn't go as well as I had hoped and Wednesday morning had me feeling like it wasn't worth getting out of bed. I prayed, did my devotions and sat listening to the school next door play "You Are Holy". I don't know if I verbally prayed and said "God give me strength for today" or if it was more of a thought as time ticked away. But He gave it to me as the first 10 children made a circle in the carport. I prayed, wanting to know if this was going to work and if I was the one and He showed me that it can and I am. I prayed that the children listen and obey and enjoy class and they did! 

Even though Friday was not as good as Wednesday I feel like God handed my a gift wrapped up in Wednesday and said "Not everything is perfect, not everything is easy, children are going to be children no matter where they are, but hey, I'm with you and it's going to be ok and there will come a day you'll see that will blow you away. Trust me."

God answered my prayers in a way that left me so happy and full that I fell asleep by 8:30! And I feel like God is happy to show us a peek of the future when our hearts are just... yearning to follow Him and to do what He has called us. It's easy to jump for joy and praise God in the happy and joyful times but what I've been working on its praising God though I'm stressed, though things aren't working out and trying to not make it be... fake. I feel like sometimes we or I at least tend to pray in the bad times with a body bowed but eyes searching.  Knowing this is a trial, taking it on, trying to draw close to Him, to learn the lesson...but my eyes search for the good times or the "Yay! You made it! Burdens over, here are some blessings" type thing. I don't mean to but God's kind of showed me that I have in the past. And yes, we do have that eternal hope that the trials will end. But, I feel like when we're keeping an eye on the blessings and not fully immersed in what is going on now, focusing on just who our father is and leaning into His arms and trusting Him, we're missing something. 

When the prodigal son came home and His father wrapped His arms around Him I'm sure his face was buried in His fathers robes, not peeking over his shoulder to see if there was a feast already prepared, no! For that wonderful moment (that probably seemed like an eternity and still wasn't long enough) it was just him and His father. His fathers love.

I pray that as life continues and trials bear down that I would fully immerse myself in God and place myself completely in Him. That however God answers my prayers I would be able to thank and praise Him whether I understand the answer or not.  

I'm still growing; I don't think I will ever stop and I'm nowhere near the person that I want to be as a daughter of God, but I'm not where I used to be and that's because of answered prayers, not just my own; but families and friends prayers as well and sometimes the answer was "yes", sometimes it was "no" and sometimes it was "not right now" but they were all answered and I'm thankful.

Thankful: Week 2

There is a lot that I could write about this week and while I am thankful for all of it and would write a very long post I want to touch on one thing that kind of stands out the most.

I am thankful to be a member of God's family.

I'm truly overwhelmed with this.

God is my father. I don't know that I've ever struggled with that, it's always been a clear fact to me like: the sky is blue. But being a part of His family, being adopted into it, Him accepting me just as I am. That is hard to grasp sometimes.

Knowing several families that have adopted and seeing the adoption process here it's really opened my eyes and helped me to see God in a different light.

Before I start: Personally I have not adopted, been adopted or know everything about adoption and I'm just speaking as someone on the outside looking in so if I'm wrong I do apologize.

What I've come to see and to realize is that God truly adopts us into His family, think about it: (this does apply to biological parents as well and I know that sometimes adoptions do not go this way as there are sometimes different motives but adoption from the way I see it)

Adoptive parents spend a lot of money during the adoption process and after as they raise their child(ren)- God payed the ultimate price, He went above and beyond to be able to call us His own
Adoptive parents reach out though they keep getting pushed away - God is always reaching for us no matter how far away we push Him
Adoptive parents seek to build a loving relationship - God seeks a loving relationship with us
Adoptive parents see their children broken and hurt and still seek to bring them home and to give them the best they can - God sees us broken and hurt and still seems to bring us into His family and to guide us as we walk
Adoptive parents know it won't be easy and there will be a lot of sacrifices but they do it anyways out of love - God knew the sacrifice He would need to make in order to bring all of His sons and daughters into a relationship with Him and He did it because He loves us
Adoption is forever not temporary - We dont have three strikes and we're out of God's family. It's forever.

 God wants ALL of us to be in His family! Not just the ones that the world has classified as: beautiful, skinny, strong, smart, successful etc for we are all precious in His sight. And His family.... wow, I am very blessed to be living and working with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. The way He transforms us as we draw closer and closer to Him and we begin to resemble Him as we listen and obey and follow where He leads us is so beautiful!!! You might have been told "oh, you have your father's eyes" or "oh, you have your mothers smile" well being a member of God's family I want people to look at me and say "She has her Heavenly father's heart and passion"

I make mistakes frequently. David was a man after God's own heart and he made mistakes too. But I'm still His daughter and though sometimes I let the lies and worries get the best of me He will always love me.

Very very thankful to be a part of God's family.

Thankful Week 1

November is the month of Thanksgiving and so every Saturday/Sunday I'm going to try and write a blog about about what I'm thankful for for that week.

I spent a little less then two months in the states and through the ups and downs I am truly thankful for the time that I had there. True, I spent most of the time sleeping or at my chiropractors but when I got up and raced around there were people who made an effort and were there for me and y'all deserve a shout out.

Going back I was nervous and excited and I think I had an easier time leaving here then the friends I've made in Haiti because I knew that I was coming back very soon. But coming home after being gone was hard.

It was hard seeing that my siblings have grown so much. It was hard not getting the new inside jokes. It was hard when my nieces and nephews would rather be with a different aunt or uncle. it was hard when people that I thought I would get to see didn't make an effort to make that happen or discouraged me from going back to Haiti. It was hard when little children didn't understand my Creole. It was hard.

But, the support system God has given me was incredible.

I am thankful to my mom who put together everything for my support dinner, made the doctors appointments, reminded me to take my pills, ordered things for me, made me sleep, tried to tell me that I was still pushing myself to far and has prayed for me and loved me since the day I was born.

I am thankful for my dad and his hard work, protection, caring and strong heart and all of his prayers and love as well.

I am thankful for my siblings and the individual relationships we all have with eachother. Though some are better then others we are all still siblings and we look out for each other, pray for each other, support each other, love each other, fight with each other, listen to each other and we all laugh together.

I am thankful to the wonderful ladies that took me out for breakfast and lunch and listened as I poured out my heart and encouraged me as I shared hopes, dreams and fears though I'm sure none of them meant to talk for 3 or more hours they never said a word about it and it meant a lot.

I am thankful for my bible study group: Bonfire. For the lessons, deep conversations, friendships, laughs and over all the community that I've found there. I'm sure it's a lot quieter there now though (I have a very loud laugh)

I am thankful for my swing dancing buddies!!!! I had an absolute blast and it meant a lot to be able dance again, even if it was just for fun and not as technical as ballet.

I am thankful for my chiropractor and all of the adjustments and for putting together a garage sale where the proceeds went to my work here in Haiti.

I am thankful for my Judgment House scene 5 family, our awesome director and that I was able to play a role in it again this year.

I am thankful for making all of my connections and wonderful people to sit beside on the planes.

I am thankful to be back in Haiti and I am thankful for all of my supporters and all of the different ways that they support me!!!!

And I am eternally grateful to my Lord and Savior for everything that He has given me and all the lessons, whether they were easy or hard I'm grateful because they have made me who I am today. I am not who I want to be but God is always growing me and loving me despite all and no amount of praise and thanks I give Him will ever be enough but I'm still very grateful and look forward to following Him wherever He leads me.

Peace

Peace.

Such an interesting word. The world recognizes the famous "peace" symbol or hand sign, people pray for world peace and talk about it; but sadly most do not truly understand what peace truly is. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and His concept of peace is larger than "no fighting", it's from the Hebrew root slm, which means "to be complete" or "to be sound."

We as humans are not innately good or natural peacemakers. 

Think about, babies do not take care of themselves. Sleep is disturbed by cries from the crib, frustration arises when potty training comes around, our parents do not teach us to grab or steal toys from other children or to lie. It just sort of comes naturally. There is an emptiness inside of us, we long to be made whole and we try so hard doing SO many different things, thinking "maybe this will fill me" though we just continue to fall on our faces time and time again. Having a relationship with Jesus is what makes all the difference, there is that peace of knowing that no matter how many times you try and fail you are His and He is yours; nothing can separate you and in Him you are made complete.

It's hard to comprehend I know, but that doesn't make it any less true.

His peace and love are something that I have really been digging deeper into and figuring out the past few years. Growing up I saw God as a taskmaster and if I did one thing wrong I was going to hell. But God is love and He is peace and I have never felt such love and peace as I have while living and growing in Haiti.

4 days ago I was told that starting in January my churches financial monthly support was going to decrease, while they still supported me and my work in Haiti 100% monthly support would be less. This in fact, though scary to wake up to, was an answer to a prayer someone prayed over me the beginning of October. This may seem horrible but let me explain:

Being a missionary is not easy, here are a few reasons why (I'm using overseas as an e.g):

You will be taken out of your comfort zone; sometimes multiple times a day

Learning a new language is important to communicate with the people you live and work with

You'll move away from friends and loved ones (thank you skype but hugs are not the same)

Your job doesn't pay in money and you need to eat

Goodbye comfort foods

Asking people to support you

The devil will be working extra hard against you and your efforts

Being a missionary does not make you anymore perfect than anyone else. You are not immediately transformed, when you move overseas, into a person with endless: love, patience, joy etc. I wish it did! But no, you're still the same person you were boarding the plane as you are getting off. You still have those quirks and habits you want to kick, you may even be terrified out of your mind... but following Him where he leads and having the support of friends, family and even strangers back home is what keeps you going on those really horrible days when nothing is working and you just want to quit.

Supporting someone means that you come along side them, that they can stand and know that they will not sink or fall. It means praying for them, encouraging them in countless ways, easing their financial burden, it's giving them peace, making them feel complete, ready to do the work that God has given them to do. I only had eight monthly supporters in January and my church was a huge monthly supporter. But, it's crucial for any missionary to have a group, even a crowd of supporters. And my wonderful friend saw this and prayed that more people would come along side me and I would see just how supported and loved I was.

My church has seen this caterpillar through it's first year but it's time that this caterpillar turns into a butterfly and they make room for more supporters in order for this transformation to happen, while they continue supporting me, but not as big financially. I'm blessed. Truly I am and I have this sense of peace as my last week stateside starts tomorrow. God has this all in His hands I am now 1/2 way to being fully supported and with one time donations I'm headed back!!!

I still need monthly supporters but I know God will provide and so if you feel led to make 12 donations in the next 12 months, size does not matter. Promise.

You can go to mcmhaiti.org and donate with: support for HOPE RUEBKE in the memo. If my name is not on it it goes to the organization not to me.

OR

Send a check or have monthly withdrawals sent to:

MCM c/o Nichols Accounting

5680 E. Franklin, St. 110

Nampa, ID 83687

Thank you again for everything you guys do, no act of love or kindness is too small. May God richly bless every single one of you!

Strength Will Rise

Every evening, after English Camp we gather around the pool (unless it's raining in which we move inside) for a time of worship and devotions, some nights this ends up being rather late and a lot of us find ourselves longing for a cool shower to wash the dirt and sweat of the day off. But this is also one of my favorite times of the day because whether it's the words in the music or someones devotions God always manages to touch my heart in one way or another.

One evening we gathered around the pool after a particularly long week, we'd had a couple scares and a few injuries and I found myself just hurting and wanting to be with the kids, caring and loving on them all the time. I knew that these kids being Haitian were much safer than I would be out on the streets etc but still I found myself longing to go with them as they all headed home in their little groups; wanting to make sure those with little injuries were carried for properly so they would not get an infection and just loving on them and being an example for them. I sat there trying to push it away from my mind as the boys brought out the guitars. God however had heard my silent cry, He had felt the longing in my heart and as the first chords were played God lifted up my head and I began to sing: 

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord

Patience is not my strongest point, but waiting on God I find to be a little easier; call me crazy but I find His timing is always perfect and if I just sit tight and rejoice in Him, He is always worth the wait!

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God

He is the everlasting God; He's not going anywhere and He will never let me go

You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on the wings
Like eagles

As I begun to sing this last part tears filled my eyes as God reminded me once again of who He is; I grow weary and tired on a daily basis but He never does. Though I cannot go home with every needy and hurting child in the world God can and moreover; He does! He cares for us so deeply and I've been so privileged to see Him through my fellow interns, volunteers, translators, Jr. counselors and my directors. All the little things we do: greeting children as they come through the gats, smiles, hugs, meals, an encouraging word, placing a bandage and so much more it all matters and it touches not only us but those around us in ways that we may never know.

Leaning into God and receiving: strength, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control from Him on a daily basis is one of His many blessings that He pours on us, sometimes I overlook His blessings in a day; but I know each day holds at least a 100 in that: it's a new day, I'm breathing, I'm walking, I'm talking, I can hear, I can see, He has forgiven all our sins, He is mine and I am His, He loves me and on and on the list goes!

English Camp is a lot of work; but it's life changing and I would encourage all of you to volunteer for a week or more next year and if coming here is not a possibility right now sending supplies and other people here to love and work with these kids. There are 2 kinds of Christians: the givers and the goers (we should all be prayers) which one are you?

Pour out Love

"OK, OK?" I shouted for the hundredth time in one class period, 42 little boys shouted "OK!" back but before my translator or I could get a word in there was shouting and talking from every corner of the carport where we were doing younger P.E. Their little voices all talking created a roar to match those that cheer throughout Port-au-Prince whenever Brazil scores. The sun was hot and I wiped my sweaty brow as I turned to God for help. Deep breath in, deep breath out. A cool breeze began to wrap itself around me and I knew He stood beside me.

My hands met in a loud clap as I repeated the same phrase we use to get the children's attention "OK, OK?" I yelled louder than I thought I could "OK!" they shouted back, I repeated this for a few minutes until I had all of their attention "SILENCE, SI. VOU. PLAIS!" (Silence please) and to my surprise it became almost quiet, but it was enough. I began explaining a game that we were going to play using brightly colored balls and teams. Pulling out the balls caught all of their attention. My translator explained that we would be picking 8 boys at a time and silence fell as they all did their utmost best to remain quiet while we pulled the first 8.

I'd been watching four boys that I did preschool with for the past 6 months and was so proud as I found them to be the nicest and most obedient. I pulled them and 4 other boys that hadn't been causing to much trouble to the front and be began playing Down, Down, Down where they pass the ball back and forth and if you drop it you have to drop to a knee, drop it again and it's two knees until you're playing with only one hand. The boys cheered for their teams and I watched as smiles broke out on their sweaty faces and laughter as people dropped the ball and had to drop lower then their partner.

Throughout the class period words like: love, encourage, engage, cheer just kept running through my head and so I did my best to just pour all these things out. Cheering and shouting, getting the boys to encourage their partners and throw the ball further. A couple little fights broke out that I had to reprove and there was one little boy in particular that just blatantly refused to obey and wasn't allowed to participate; which is never fun.

I won't lie; when their class was up a wave of relief hit me I called them to me, thanking them for listening and working hard together and asking them to be good in their next class. To my surprise I received several, high fives, hugs and thank yous from their little crowd as they filed out the gate. I always feel like a horrible person when I yell or punish someone, I'm a people pleaser and it never ceases to amaze me how these beautiful Haitian children react and give back in love. At the meeting with all the teachers, staff, interns and translators after camp we all lifted the group up to God asking for wisdom and obedience.

The next morning I felt God pushing me find the little boy that had caused so many problems the previous day. I found him in his faded blue shirt just finishing breakfast and sitting a little to close to the pool. I called his named and scooped him up in a hug, he clung to me so tightly it reminding me of when my youngest brother would hug me before and after I came home from work, like he'd never let me go. "Oh buddy" my heart was stolen away in that moment, along with my breath. And when I got it back I began to talk to him about how much Jesus and I love him and want him to obey and what a good boy I know he could be. He didn't say a word but nestled his shaved head deeper into my neck. "You're going to be a good boy today, right?" I finally asked, his deep little voice responded and I gave him a final squeeze before placing him back in his spot and kissing his sweaty brow.

I began to walk back to my place, giving high fives and shouting "Bonjour" to the rest of his group and telling them "No problems today" in a teasing way. I didn't know if that would make a difference but I felt a peace and a little bit of excitement about it as the morning assembly began and classes were dismissed.

I waited anxiously for orange group. And when they came through the gate in a perfect line repeating what their Jr. Counselor was calling out instead of talking among themselves I couldn't help but smile and tell them all good job. All of them turned to me with shining faces giving me high fives or jumping out of line really fast to give me a hug. They went above and beyond my expectations and the class period flew by a lot faster than I wanted it to.

Meeting that day was praise and excitement about orange group. Everyone had seen the need and poured love and we were not disappointed with the reaction.

Serving anywhere in the world as a Christian we are called to love. Sounds very simple and easy; but there is a lot of meaning in that word and honestly I don't think we will ever fully understand it's meaning while we are here on this earth. But here are some thoughts:

Love:
Goes above and beyond what people expect
Patiently waits
Cleans dirty hands
Is kind when others behave or speak badly
Dances when it can't walk
Does not envy what other people have or receive
Lifts people up
Smiles when its heart is breaking
Forgives and forgets
Cheers when its voice is almost gone
Makes room when there is none
Listens
Gives people opportunities to grow
Kisses sweaty brows
Disciplines justly
Puts others before oneself
Speaks truth
Ties shoes
Is humble
Walks several miles for a loved one
Prays when words and actions seem to fail
Steps back when needed

Pour out love and wait for God to work. You won't be disappointed

A Passionate Big Brother

She's the smallest two year old girl at the preschool. Almost weightless in her little 24 month yellow dress he was the first to see her as she arrives, a little late to breakfast. He calls her by name wishing her good morning and asking her how she is, she doesn't respond but he smiles and holds her close anyway telling both her and her sister how happy he is that they came to school today.
Setting her down on the wooden benches that surround the table he provides them both with extra food and continues helping children wash their hands and mouths before morning assembly.
He finds her though, after most of the children have gone inside, sitting alone with a plate that has hardly been touched. He pulls the tiny little two year old closer on his lap, with one hand he strokes her head gently and in the other he holds a small piece of banana bread, the chocolate beginning to melt and stick to his fingers as he tries to persuade her to eat. He gently lifts it up to her little mouth for what seems like the hundredth time, but she turns away at the last second. Shoulders slump as the breath he didn't know he was holding is released in a heavy sigh.
He's spent countless mornings trying to get her to eat. You can see his mind wrestling, whether to try again or let the tiny doll down to go sing. He bends his head to kiss hers and rests his cheek on her head. His silent prayer is seen by the watching eyes and he switches the banana bread for the glass of milk "Please drink" his request is so heartfelt that even the two year old understands and she leans forward to drink from the cup in his hand. "Good job Regina! Thank you!"He praises her rubbing her back, the smile on his face is one of pure joy. No pride or conceited thoughts, he knows it was all God and he feels blessed to have been a part of it. She finishes the milk and after one more kiss on her forehead he lowers her to the ground, he can't see the smile she hides as she toddles out to have her hands washed. She knows he loves her and has her best interests at heart and she loves her American brother back.

I had the great honor of working beside a truly wonderful friend for the past 51/2 months. Arriving in Haiti before he returned from Christmas break, I did my best to soak in everything I could. I'd come to Haiti not really knowing what to expect or what God's plan was and watching these children and trying to wrap my head around teaching them dance, uncertainty was settling in after just a couple weeks and I was wondering what God's plan was. And then my fellow intern James arrived. I didn't know what to expect when he came, the teachers were all really excited to have him back and I quickly saw why.

Monday morning James began calling each of the children by name as they arrived for preschool, each one had their own special relationship with him, running into his arms, shyly smiling as they walked over and hugged his leg or giving him a "I'm not going to say good morning smirk: and then running away as their plan worked and their big blo brother chased after them tickling them until a good morning came from their lips. They all adored him! His passion and love of the kids showed in everything he did.

James taught games, relays, body part songs, bikes and exercises around the pool and told the Bible story at the end of the day. His passion for the children that he served was inspiring as he tried different ways to keep the kids interested and push them a little farther every day. The preschoolers couldn't help but be inspired by the overflow of love and passion from their big brother, friend and teacher. Dozens of little eyes watched his every move and as he helped kids finish eating, make sure they got to the bathroom, comforted kids that fell and respected everyone. Slowly you could see the older boys taking after him in little ways, helping to carry benches, fighting less, carrying little kids to the bathroom etc

At the end of the day, cutting up things for dinner or playing cards afterwards we talked about highs and lows from that day. His highs were always about how far different kids had come whether they were speaking more, smiling more, running better and faster or participating more; his face just lit up talking about the kids and their achievements.

God wants the absolute best for us and He pours out love every single day and fills us with passion. God is with us all the time and sometimes its hard to see that; but the preschoolers and I saw Him shining through our brother James as he: cheered them on during bike races or relays, when he made things a little harder and then stood by their side encouraging as they did their best, when they disobeyed and he gave them consequences for their actions, they all knew it was all for the greater good. They saw the pain and disappointment on his face whenever one of them had to go stand alone and they wanted to make it up to him.

When we have bad attitudes or sores that need to be cleaned God seeks us out to love on us and to help us work and clean those things out of our lives. He's the best father, teacher and friend we could ask for; but, there are some pretty amazing shining examples and I know God's face is shining with pride when He see's our passionate brother James and the love he poured on all of his little Haitian siblings.