Finding Him

She always finds me.

Granted, I'm taller than most all of the preschoolers and I'm kind of loud, she still manages to find me before anyone else or wiggle her way to the front of the line of kids asking to be held. She looks up at me with those big "Eeyore" eyes (puppy = please pick me, oh pleaseeeee I'll be ever so sad if you don't. Eeyore = please pick me... if you don't it's ok; I'll wait) which makes it almost impossible to say no to because you don't want her to have to wait. So... I don't make her wait and up she sails into my arms; without a word she gives me a big hug and either contently leaves her head resting on my shoulder or if my hair is down will begin gently, braiding my hair.

Her heart is beautiful and kind. Her name means: companion or friend, which suits her so well! If she isn't in my arms or working in class, she's either: helping one of her classmates put on their shoes, pushing someone on the swing, singing and getting other kids to join in or giving rides on the back of a trike. Recess is one of her favorite times, I try to hold all the kids that I can throughout the day (appropriate and loving touch is an important part of development; it's actually a key part to healthy brain development) it's been amazing to see the change in a child when you start carrying them, holding them, hugging them and the way they light up. During recess though, if she's in my group, my little friend will leap into my arms and ask to sit on a "step" near the playground. I hold her tight, play "trot trot to Boston", sing with her and when another child needs attention she trails me, holding onto my shirt or sitting beside me, touching my arm, just being near me. She's always there. She always finds me.

Coming to Haiti I knew I would need to be flexible, I knew that I was going to teach but learn a lot more then I taught and that my faith would be tested. This little girl has shown me what it means to call Jesus friend and what it means when He is our friend. We all have friends, I hope. We seek them out wanting to know about their lives, what their doing, looking for advice etc. and if they don't answer calls or texts we assume the worst, we do everything in our power to make sure they're ok because they're our friends and we don't want to lose them because they're like family, they're a piece of you. "No man is an island, entire of itself; each is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." as John Donne very wisely said in his poem For Whom the Bell Tolls.

We need to do the same with God. He is our friend and we should be seeking Him, finding out what He's up to in our world and in each others lives. Following Him wherever He leads and sitting with Him simply enjoying the nearness of Him. Jesus praised Mary for clinging on His every word, He told the little children to come to Him after the disciples tried to send them away. God always has time for us, He's never pushing us away from Him though sometimes it's hard to see Him through the storm of life calling out to us saying "Come to me, walk on the water" "Trust me and take that leap of faith, I will catch you" "Stop overthinking it, it's a small step not a drop off, trust me." It's not easy but it's worth it. So find Him; step out of the boat, reach out your hand and walk/run to grab His outstretched one. Follow Him because He'll take you places you've dreamed of going but the choice is yours.

Oh Be Careful

"She is mean!"

Was the phrase that came out when I explained why I'd asked for prayer for a certain two year old. I hadn't been back very long, but this little girl had caught my attention. I'd watched as she'd bit, kicked, hit, stole another child's food repeatedly throughout the week and when corrected she would look at me or another teacher, soaking it all in and respond to everything with a confident "Wi" (yes) responding to "You know that's wrong" or "Don't do that again, ok?" but she would turn around and do it a few minutes later!

God, how do I reach this child?

Its funny how God speaks and uses so many different things to touch us. I had started to stick with this little girl, when I wasn't teaching dance; keeping her close, playing with her and just loving on her and it seemed to be making a difference. Then, one day she was sitting on my lap and a little boy came and did something, honestly I don't remember what it was, but I gave his hand a pat and told him "no, don't do that." The little girl then took a swat at his hand repeating what I had said... it was as if her slap had hit me in the face instead. She was watching me and had swung the other way, she was now a little "professor" discipling kids! I asked her teachers and they told me that yes when they reprimand a child she comes running over to do it too. 

God, is this my fault?

I blame myself and beat myself up, mentally, a lot for different things. Which is not healthy and something God is working through with me. A lot of things had been piling on my heart and mind as my eyes were being opened more and more to what these children went home to every day. But, this thought knocked the wind out of me and I wasn't sure where to go. Today though God showed me something that humbled me.

There are a handful of kids I watch when they eat breakfast and lunch. They do not get a lot to eat at home, one needs water instead of milk, one wants to take food home, another is... too weak to eat is the only way I can think to describe it and another isn't up to trying new foods. So, I usually feed these children by hand sit with them on my lap and sometimes they eat and sometimes I try again at lunch. As I came in to check on one of them the little girl was trying to feed the child I was checking on! This child was her own age and honestly wasn't going to be fed by her, but she'd been watching me and was copying me.

I cried.

Children are the next generation, children copy what they see others do, whether it is good or bad. What we are doing matters; God reminds me of this so much! And it's important to be a godly example to these children and to love them with a Christ like love because you're not just helping to change a life but a nation too. We aren't perfect, we'll mess up but hopefully we'll all learn and love through it all.

This is a song that we sing at preschool and you all may have sung it at one point in your lives or another; but this song really stuck to my heart while I was holding my little girl or shadow as she's now being called. 

"Oh be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!) *insert children shouting this last part

Oh be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!)

For the Father up above

He is looking down in love

So, be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!)

I pray that people, not just the children at the preschool, would see Jesus through me.

"Be careful little ears what you hear"

I pray that I listen to God's words and let them fill me.

"Be careful little mouth what you say"

I pray my words are encouraging and loving at all times.

"Be careful little hands what you do"

I pray I am gentle, kind and a servant.

"Be careful little feet where you go"

I pray I follow God wherever He takes me, in a day, week, month and the years ahead.

Thankful

This is the last week of my Thankful series, I hope you guys have enjoyed the frequent updates; I know a couple of them I barely published on time but, I enjoyed doing a series and taking time at the end of the week to really focus on what giving thanks was and what I was truly thankful for.

I'm thankful.

Have you heard the hymn "It Is Well" by: Horatio G. Spafford? It is one of my favorites. 

Digging a little deeper into the hymns history I found that Horatio was a successful Christian lawyer, happily married with four daughters and a son. Around the time Horatio was 43 he lost his only son, the same year a fire swept through Chicago; he had invested hugely in real estate a few months earlier and the disaster wiped out his holdings. Two years later Horatio planned a trip to Europe with his wife and 4 daughters. On the day they were supposed to leave he had some urgent business and stayed behind as his wife and daughter sailed to Europe. But their ship was struck by another ship and sank. Only his wife survived. As Horatio sailed to meet his wife and was passing the place where his daughters ship had sunk, he penned the first lines of It is Well.

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part but the whole

Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend

Even so, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

Wow... the founder of my church here in Haiti spoke today and his main point was that the cross is everything. And it is so true! Because He endured the cross, we can endure this seemingly long road called life. Because He died so that others could have life, we can die to ourselves to serve and reach others so that they may know His name. Because He loves us and will never stop loving us, we can see people through His eye and we can love with boundless love. Because of ALL of this it is well with our souls. And though "When sorrows like sea billows roll", though things spin out of control, though you mess up you are still His child and it is well with your soul. 

And it's the same with being thankful. Though you're frustrated and good things come and go you will always have something to be thankful for; that is Jesus Christ. 

Thankful Week 4

The end of the week is wrapping up! There is good and blessings in every day and certainly every week. We did have a lot of news that was hard, some tears escaped and it made for a long week.

I am thankful that Jesus walks beside us, holds everything in His hands and that I am a work in progress.

I struggle with different things about myself. A lot of things actually... self worth being one of the biggest ones and I'm very sensitive. I shared my testimony this summer and bawled the whole way through it. I know that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and in the hard and weak points of my life these things become twisted as I dwell on them and become like chains that I wind and trap myself in; and all the while God is speaking to me and holding His hands out; just waiting for me hand them over. But it's hard, and though I want to hand them over it's a daily choice because somehow, if I don't continually hand things over to Him, I find myself wrapped back up in my chains of "worthlessness" once again. 

But you know something? God is pleased with me. I am His daughter and though I push myself and feel horrible when things don't turn out perfectly; He is pleased with me. With us, all of us! Because He knows our thoughts and our hearts. Things don't have to be perfect for God to love us or "notice" us; He loved us when we didn't even know Him, He loved us in all our mess. He LOVES us.

Wow. Just let that sink in.

We are His children and He is the perfect fathe, continually helping His children to learn and to grow from the dried and broken ground into a beautiful creation reaching for the Son.

There is a song by Brandon Heath called Wait and See and some of the lyrics are: 

the farther out I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm not here for nothin'

He's up to somethin'

...

There is hope for me yet

Because God won't forget

All the plans He's made for me

I have to wait and see

He's not finished with me yet

Shall We Dance?

Started dance this past week! Took the first week off to: adjust back into my Haiti home, learn the new schedule of the preschool, as well as all 38 names of the children that are new to Maranatha's preschool program. Which was a blessing as adjusting back was not as easy as I thought it would be.

Last school year was my first year teaching in Haiti and we learned a lot about the do's and don'ts of teaching dance in Haiti. This year I have new space! My director had the brilliant idea to move dance class inside the carport, no more standing water, the temptation of the swing set or danger of falling coconuts, etc. I now have three walls in my classroom and it's helped immensely as far as keeping the class together and organized! It's only been the first week and I can already tell the difference from last year.

Also, my director changed the schedule of the classes and stations so that we split all of the classes into three groups, on Mondays the A groups have dance class, Wednesday the B groups and on Fridays the C groups. In each group there are 10-11 kids which is very different from simply splitting the classes in half and changing stations at the halfway point. Though this does mean that I no longer have a helper or a translator, yikes! I did pray that I would be learning more creole though before I returned. Don't you love God's sense of humor?!

Monday, the first day of dance class, was hectic. Kids were running around, not listening or obeying, some refusing to do anything and then 2's schedule got all mixed up and I had two classes instead of one; needless to say it was discouraging. But first days are supposed to be tough, they make the progress of the year more exciting and worth it... right? Yes, however this was not my attitude when I woke up Wednesday. I felt like Satan just hung a dark cloud over me as I sat on the floor of my bedroom having not slept well the night before, thoughts of whether what I was doing was worth it or even right hounding me and the C-virus not being kind. As I sat there thought the school next door began to play "You are Holy" and other songs like it and I knew I needed to stand up and go to class. I didn't feel like I had the strength and I wanted to crawl back in bed but I did my devotions and ate my breakfast and headed to class.

My first class was 10 of the oldest children in our preschool. They all attended Maranatha last year; and performed a dance on graduation day. They did fantastic! All of them listened, were excited to show me what they remembered, some of them had practiced during the summer and one of the boys, who had had difficulty with jumps in first position, jumped perfectly the very first time!!!!!! For those of you that know me or have taught alongside me you can imagine my happy dance and the cheering that happened. The 2's listened, participated and there was a lot of laughing and giggling as they tried to get their feet into 1st position. Did they all obey? No, but they're 2 and for the most part they all participated.

My final class for the day came. This group were a lot of work last year and I was a little worried but they ended up being the best class of the day! They were excited to dance, to repeat what I was saying, proud that they remembered first position and were just eager to learn. What a turn around!!!

I love teaching dance as well as dancing and am so honored to have the opportunity to use my God given passion and gifts here in Haiti. I don't know what God has planned but I am content and look forward to the future.

Thankful: Week 2

There is a lot that I could write about this week and while I am thankful for all of it and would write a very long post I want to touch on one thing that kind of stands out the most.

I am thankful to be a member of God's family.

I'm truly overwhelmed with this.

God is my father. I don't know that I've ever struggled with that, it's always been a clear fact to me like: the sky is blue. But being a part of His family, being adopted into it, Him accepting me just as I am. That is hard to grasp sometimes.

Knowing several families that have adopted and seeing the adoption process here it's really opened my eyes and helped me to see God in a different light.

Before I start: Personally I have not adopted, been adopted or know everything about adoption and I'm just speaking as someone on the outside looking in so if I'm wrong I do apologize.

What I've come to see and to realize is that God truly adopts us into His family, think about it: (this does apply to biological parents as well and I know that sometimes adoptions do not go this way as there are sometimes different motives but adoption from the way I see it)

Adoptive parents spend a lot of money during the adoption process and after as they raise their child(ren)- God payed the ultimate price, He went above and beyond to be able to call us His own
Adoptive parents reach out though they keep getting pushed away - God is always reaching for us no matter how far away we push Him
Adoptive parents seek to build a loving relationship - God seeks a loving relationship with us
Adoptive parents see their children broken and hurt and still seek to bring them home and to give them the best they can - God sees us broken and hurt and still seems to bring us into His family and to guide us as we walk
Adoptive parents know it won't be easy and there will be a lot of sacrifices but they do it anyways out of love - God knew the sacrifice He would need to make in order to bring all of His sons and daughters into a relationship with Him and He did it because He loves us
Adoption is forever not temporary - We dont have three strikes and we're out of God's family. It's forever.

 God wants ALL of us to be in His family! Not just the ones that the world has classified as: beautiful, skinny, strong, smart, successful etc for we are all precious in His sight. And His family.... wow, I am very blessed to be living and working with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. The way He transforms us as we draw closer and closer to Him and we begin to resemble Him as we listen and obey and follow where He leads us is so beautiful!!! You might have been told "oh, you have your father's eyes" or "oh, you have your mothers smile" well being a member of God's family I want people to look at me and say "She has her Heavenly father's heart and passion"

I make mistakes frequently. David was a man after God's own heart and he made mistakes too. But I'm still His daughter and though sometimes I let the lies and worries get the best of me He will always love me.

Very very thankful to be a part of God's family.

Kaleidoscope World

Have you ever sat for awhile and looked through a kaleidoscope? Watched all the colors and changing patterns? Maybe found one you really like but couldn't find it once you turned or shook the tube? That's kind of what my life feels like right now, so many colors and patterns and I'm trying to find my place in it all.

The biggest thing is the children. I worked with 80 children last semester. Built relationships with them, knew them all by name, their individual little characteristics and a lot of their hard stories. Saying goodbye to them at English Camp I thought I knew which ones I would not be seeing again; seeing as we'd done pre registration for this year beforehand. I hugged them close, reminded them that Jesus and I both love them very much and that I would be praying for them. Though it was hard to say goodbye in all the chaos of three graduations, almost back to back; I felt ok about saying goodbye and there had only been 5 I thought. But coming back that was not the case and some we thought for sure were going to come back didn't. 

That was hard. 

I had said goodbye to these kids, but it wasn't the kind of goodbye that was a possibly forever goodbye! The first few days I was hit really hard with thoughts and worries and was very discouraged. Yes, I was SO happy to be back in my Haiti home but I kept battling with my mind and these thoughts as I missed the kids that were not at preschool:
"Do they know how much Jesus loves them? 
Did I do my part? 
Did they not want to come back?
Could I have done something else? 
Am I actually helping here? 
Are they going to school?
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Do they know they're loved? 
Do they know???"

Then God brought to mind a conversation I had with one of my Haitian brothers and a fellow worker at Maranatha earlier this year. It was Friday and school had been let out early as usual and there was one little girl who was waiting on her mom to come pick her up, she also had a slight fever. We waited and waited and there was no sign of her father or mother. She started to get worried and began to cry, I picked her up, brought her inside, gave her some water, half a banana and held her close, rocking gently and assuring her that everything was going to be ok. She fell asleep in my arms and I just sat there rocking and watching her sleep my mind wondering about her life, both present and future. 

He came in and asked about her, I explained the situation to him and as he sat down to lunch I began pouring out my heart to him "It's hard sending them home and not knowing what it's like or if they will be looked after properly..... I'm worried.... I want to take care of them.... I want them and their families to know God and to be safe and healthy.... I want so much for her" These words and more came pouring from my mouth and tears threatened to fall on her sleeping brow. He listened quietly, nodding his head as he ate and then when I stopped to catch my breath began saying "You know what you're doing; what we're all doing here is important.... we're planting seeds and we don't know what fruit will grow... we just teach and hope and pray.... but you're laying a foundation for them and if the foundation is strong they grow up to be Godly men and women and God knows the future Hope. We just have to trust and follow Him."

Such a wonderful reminder! God is constantly moving and changing hearts and though sometimes the colors and shapes can make our heads spin as we try to grasp what all is going on and what we're supposed to do, it truly is a beautiful, beautiful thing to watch and when you feel completely lost you have to open your eyes and take it all in and just smile and anticipate as the colors swirl by. And as you stand there He will come along, take your hand and twirl you into the middle of it at the perfect moment and direct you to the perfect place.

We are a preschool and "... all children grow up...." (peter pan) and it's hard to say goodbye not knowing where they will go or what they will do. I'm not a parent (don't plan on being one anytime soon) but as a big sister, babysitter, nanny, teacher and growing up some myself I see the world and it scares me. I see things that are allowed or people turn a blind eye too and it breaks my heart. We know that children starve to death, we know that children die from curable illnesses, we know that children do not have the money or the opportunity to go to school, we know that there are child slaves but yet we sit back send some money here or there and try not to look through the kaleidoscope at the grand design because we like it where it is and these things don't directly affect us. 

But it does.

"...Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind..." ~ John Donne

I cannot help every child and I, myself can't even truly help a child without God's help. But I can love, care for, show Jesus to and know the children that God has placed right here in front of me and the children that grow and head off to other schools or places God will have someone else there to love, care, share His gift of eternal life and know them and show them that they are precious in His sight.

Maybe it will be you.

Don't be afraid to step into this kaleidoscope world and be swept into His story, whether He takes you across the sea or down the street; it's not always easy or simple but it's always worth it.

There are now 93 children enrolled in preschool. All so beautiful. All His. And I am excited to get to know the ones that I do not know and to continue building the relationships that I have with the others that were here last year. Maranatha is doing wonderful things and continuing to grow and to follow God wherever He leads as they feed and nurture these children: spiritually, mentally and physically. They have a truly beautiful role here and I'm honored to work and to figure out and do my part in this kaleidoscope world.

Beauty

"Haiti really is beautiful"

This thought crossed my mind as I sat on the balcony of the children's home in village Theodat, I watched the warm breeze play with the long palm branches and make my mouth water as it brought the delicious aroma of freshly baked bread from the bakery.

Yes, there are some not so pretty and even revolting things that can be found and seen in the streets or behind closed doors but, if you turn your focus upward; instead of seeing piles of garbage along the streets and dirty, grimy water flowing in the rivers and down the gutters of some streets; you'll see the beautiful and colorful vines of the bougainvillea flower, blossoming away, their vines reaching out as if to lift your chin up. Showing you beautiful people laughing, bargaining and chatting away, little girls their hair decked out in ribbons and clips all to happy to wave hello and smile back at you. Little boys who've set up goals and play soccer wherever they can, delicious fruit that will tickle your taste buds and a Caribbean blue ocean that surrounds this beautiful island, sending curling white waves into the shore to wash away what it can.

Beauty is everywhere if we would only look for it. The master of lies likes to slip into out heads and fill out minds; disgust rolls in as a sticky smell rises from the garbage sweating in the sun, dark clouds of anger roll in as questions race and smash into the walls of your brain. But, then the clouds burst as the rain slips down your cheeks when you see a tiny child digging through it to find...something; whether it's something to: eat, wear or sell you don't know but you're anger is replaced with a prayer on your lips and passion burning in your heart. Dwelling on rotten and disgusting things is not healthy. I do mean that in a literal and none literal sense.

Dwelling on a mistake, reopening old wounds, holding grudges, seeing the rust and mold, pushing people down destroys not only you but the people around you. I'm not a perfect person but God has taught me so much since I rededicated my life to Him my sophomore year. Two years ago I would have seen the garbage on the streets and whined to myself "People are so lazy, why don't they just throw it where it belongs?! Is it really that hard?!" I would have watched that car speed by me or cut me off and yell "What the heck buddy?! Gah, some people! Really?!" or seen someone on the street and immediately "know" everything about them from their appearance and manners and judge them.

I'm not proud of this fact.

I honestly don't want to share this; but God's been pressing on my heart about this and though I find myself erasing things God writes them write back down, so here this is. Unedited.

God showed me my ugliness, that as I thought these horrible and rotten things I was becoming as rotten as my thoughts. A wonderful women in my life was praying for me and she encouraged me to be praying all the time and looking for God in everything.

And so the next time that car sped by me I began to think about the person driving in the car as an actual person and I heard this voice telling me "You don't know them, you don't know their story or where they're headed." and all these thoughts of where that person could be heading (hospital to see someone for the last time, late to the job they so desperately needed to keep their family going) and my heart began to ache for them and I found myself praying this prayer:

"Father God, I don't know that person or where they're headed but God I pray you would bless them, that they would get to wherever they are going safe and God if they don't know You I pray that you would draw them close to You and they would come to a saving knowledge of You and be a huge asset to You're kingdom and Father if they do know you help them to shine You're light in everything they do. In You're name amen"

And almost instantly my anger or frustration evaporated and a peace and love washed over me. This became my daily routine as I drove to work and this happened frequently, I actually looked forward to it! And then God started convicting me of judging people and pushed me to talk to them and find out their story and why they were the way they were and to pray for them as well and wow.... I wish I could travel the whole world and meet every single person and write their stories down and capture a picture of them, a beautiful none posed real picture of them and put it in a book so everyone could knew and see how beautiful our stories are. God has such an imagination and is just incredible... it blows my mind!

All this to say, focus on the good. When words of anger or frustration try to make their way out exchange them for His words. Instead of looking/noticing the bad watch for the good. I still fall into bad habits and God lovingly steers me back. I want to just share His work in myself and the lessons He has taught me. Though I'm still learning. I want everyone to see the beauty He has created in the world and in each of us and it's hard to do that when the stench of garbage waters your eyes and blurs your vision or when you're gaze has been cast down too many times to even try and look up.

Haiti is sometimes called "the crotch of the world" but I prefer to think of it as "God's clay island" because I know He is shaping it, into something beautiful and it will be put through the kiln again and again until it's colors burn bright and His love and handiwork are perfect. This is the Haiti I know; this is the world I know! Constantly being molded and fired over and over. God's kingdom is here, right now, in absolutely everything we do! 

Don't give up hope; the trash may be waste deep but the flowers touch the sky so keep your eyes on the beauty He created for you and continue learning, working and praying as change happens one prayer, one act and one person at a time.

Beni Sèye A ~ Bless the Lord

As Orange group left, my translator and I took a seat on a bench and let out a deep sigh, we'd made it another day teaching the crazy class of 42 little 5-7 little boys and no one was injured miraculously enough and we'd all had fun! But the heat was raging inside the carport and I was so thankful to see pink group walking in through the gate; girls 8-10.

They stayed in line until they got close to my bench and then came at me shouting my name and covering me with kisses. As I sat on the bench laughing; I kissed those that I could and avoided one special little girl that always tried to lick my cheek; because if she succeeded I would squeal and that was hilarious to her. Once they were all kissed and my special girl tickled and kissed; I announced that we would be playing Duck, Duck Goose! This is their favorite game; everyday, throughout the duration of english camp, at least one of them would ask me if we were going to play it that day, as I've written before in a previous post I'd modified the original Duck, Duck, Goose! And they absolutely loved it! It also made the game last a little longer as well.

This group of girls were very closely knit. It seemed they all knew eachothers names, knew what each other liked and didn't liked, kept track of who had or hadn't run already and cheered for each other every single time and were the most obedient out of the four younger classes. I got to know a lot of them very well and three I knew previously from preschool. They tried to braid and string beads into my hair one day and almost succeeded, much to my surprise (I have very fine and thin hair) and one of the strands stayed in for a couple days.

One day, after we'd played all the games I had planned and were taking a water break, I looked at the clock to find we still had about 15 min. left; yes, we still had to drink water but that wasn't going to last more than 5 min. at most! When I told one of their jr. counselors she suggested we have them sing. My translator loves to sing and so once the girls were finished drinking from the clear little water bags he led them in 10,000 Reasons or as they call it here Bless the Lord.

As their angelic voices raised to God I closed my eyes; they sang the chorus in english then in kreyol and then in english again; I expected them to stop but then three voices continued strong singing the actual lyrics in Kreyol. I'd heard this song all over, in Haitian churches as we drove by on our way to our church, the preschoolers singing it, our staff as they worked, children just randomly singing it on the streets or next door and everytime it just filled my heart with hope, hope for this little island of roughly 10 million people. That when the sun comes up and it's a new day dawning that they would find peace and joy in singing His song again. And that whatever may pass and whatever lies before they would be singing when the evening comes. Life here is not easy,  voodoo is a very dark cloud that hangs low over these people and it's my prayer that they would all come to know their Savior that they would know for a fact that He is rich in love and slow to anger that His name is great and His heart is kind and they would find and know ten thousand reasons to sing His praise and then that day comes and their strength is failing that they would go home to His arms and would sing His praise unending ten thousand years and then forevermore.

I love every single one of the kids I met this summer at English Camp. Though some were a little tougher than others I still love them and pray that what they heard about Jesus would sink in and they would all come to a saving knowledge of Him. That they saw Jesus shining through us and would have a hunger and a thirst to know more about Him.

Bless the Lord 
Oh my soul, oh my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
Oh, my soul
I worship His holy name

Strength Will Rise

Every evening, after English Camp we gather around the pool (unless it's raining in which we move inside) for a time of worship and devotions, some nights this ends up being rather late and a lot of us find ourselves longing for a cool shower to wash the dirt and sweat of the day off. But this is also one of my favorite times of the day because whether it's the words in the music or someones devotions God always manages to touch my heart in one way or another.

One evening we gathered around the pool after a particularly long week, we'd had a couple scares and a few injuries and I found myself just hurting and wanting to be with the kids, caring and loving on them all the time. I knew that these kids being Haitian were much safer than I would be out on the streets etc but still I found myself longing to go with them as they all headed home in their little groups; wanting to make sure those with little injuries were carried for properly so they would not get an infection and just loving on them and being an example for them. I sat there trying to push it away from my mind as the boys brought out the guitars. God however had heard my silent cry, He had felt the longing in my heart and as the first chords were played God lifted up my head and I began to sing: 

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord

Patience is not my strongest point, but waiting on God I find to be a little easier; call me crazy but I find His timing is always perfect and if I just sit tight and rejoice in Him, He is always worth the wait!

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God

He is the everlasting God; He's not going anywhere and He will never let me go

You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on the wings
Like eagles

As I begun to sing this last part tears filled my eyes as God reminded me once again of who He is; I grow weary and tired on a daily basis but He never does. Though I cannot go home with every needy and hurting child in the world God can and moreover; He does! He cares for us so deeply and I've been so privileged to see Him through my fellow interns, volunteers, translators, Jr. counselors and my directors. All the little things we do: greeting children as they come through the gats, smiles, hugs, meals, an encouraging word, placing a bandage and so much more it all matters and it touches not only us but those around us in ways that we may never know.

Leaning into God and receiving: strength, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control from Him on a daily basis is one of His many blessings that He pours on us, sometimes I overlook His blessings in a day; but I know each day holds at least a 100 in that: it's a new day, I'm breathing, I'm walking, I'm talking, I can hear, I can see, He has forgiven all our sins, He is mine and I am His, He loves me and on and on the list goes!

English Camp is a lot of work; but it's life changing and I would encourage all of you to volunteer for a week or more next year and if coming here is not a possibility right now sending supplies and other people here to love and work with these kids. There are 2 kinds of Christians: the givers and the goers (we should all be prayers) which one are you?

Enough

It's easy to be frustrated and discouraged here. 

Or anywhere really. 

But all the little things will eventually add up and sometimes you just want to throw up your hands walk to the corner and sit with your arms over your head and your knees to your chest pretending that nothing exists, that children are not running wild and that people are not waiting on you to bring order to the caos that swirling around you since you are in fact, the teacher.

A lot has happened in the past month leading up to and during the past weeks of English camp. Both good and bad things. I had some hard personal struggles and heartaches and was hit really hard with some family news. Plus my ever present Chikungunya. And though I didn't realize it slowly I was picking up "rocks" and adding them to the basket I'd strapped over my shoulders and it was becoming heavier and heavier with every restless night and every rock not handed into God's caring hands. 

I'm not a muscular person. Our great big night guard has even given me the nickname of little mosquito because I can punch him as hard as I can an he "doesn't notice" all this to say, the weight I was carrying began to be to much and the day came when I was scrambling picking up all the rocks that Satan was pelting at me and I broke under the weight I'd placed on myself. 

It wasn't pretty. Words flew like fists from my mouth, anger rattled my bones and I fell in the Haitian dust and dirt.

But God.

Pause for a moment; I love that so much, it sums up our God so well in just two little words: but God.

But God did not leave me there; mind spinning, heart aching, cheeks burning with shame, eyes watering I stumbled my way back to the house where God placed exactly who I needed in my path. Seeing her I began to put my walls back up and tried to be strong; but God knew what I needed and He tore down the wall I tried to build and I fell into her embrace a complete wreck.

We were in the last classes of camp and she could have easily told me to go lay down or wash my face or any number of things and waited until after camp had finished. But she took the time to hold me as my shame and frustration poured out in a flood of salt and when it was time to talk she spoke only truth and love to me. Pointing out things I thought had gone unnoticed and thanking me for all my work.

I've never felt like I'm enough, 

Enough of anything really. 

Or enough to make anyone happy or proud of me. I could always do or be better or do or be more never truly satisfied or happy with myself I created a pit and an easy target for the devil to push and pull me with. 

Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, so that no one can boast"

I don't know how many times I have heard this Bible verse, or how many times I've been told that it is NOT works that "get you into heaven" and yet I work as if my salvation depends on it instead of working solely for God's glory and His kingdom. I work myself until I physically cannot work any longer, worrying the whole time whether or not its going to be enough.

I'm not perfect

I stumble fall, cry and fail as much as the next person. But I have this eternal hope and I have a God that says I am enough for Him and He wants to be with me for all eternity. And so dear reader I encourage you to take time, to rest in His loving arms, grace is an unmerited favor, let Him work through you instead of you working and worrying yourself into a frenzy. God delights in You and He isn't watching you and keeping score. 

He loves you and you're enough for Him

A Passionate Big Brother

She's the smallest two year old girl at the preschool. Almost weightless in her little 24 month yellow dress he was the first to see her as she arrives, a little late to breakfast. He calls her by name wishing her good morning and asking her how she is, she doesn't respond but he smiles and holds her close anyway telling both her and her sister how happy he is that they came to school today.
Setting her down on the wooden benches that surround the table he provides them both with extra food and continues helping children wash their hands and mouths before morning assembly.
He finds her though, after most of the children have gone inside, sitting alone with a plate that has hardly been touched. He pulls the tiny little two year old closer on his lap, with one hand he strokes her head gently and in the other he holds a small piece of banana bread, the chocolate beginning to melt and stick to his fingers as he tries to persuade her to eat. He gently lifts it up to her little mouth for what seems like the hundredth time, but she turns away at the last second. Shoulders slump as the breath he didn't know he was holding is released in a heavy sigh.
He's spent countless mornings trying to get her to eat. You can see his mind wrestling, whether to try again or let the tiny doll down to go sing. He bends his head to kiss hers and rests his cheek on her head. His silent prayer is seen by the watching eyes and he switches the banana bread for the glass of milk "Please drink" his request is so heartfelt that even the two year old understands and she leans forward to drink from the cup in his hand. "Good job Regina! Thank you!"He praises her rubbing her back, the smile on his face is one of pure joy. No pride or conceited thoughts, he knows it was all God and he feels blessed to have been a part of it. She finishes the milk and after one more kiss on her forehead he lowers her to the ground, he can't see the smile she hides as she toddles out to have her hands washed. She knows he loves her and has her best interests at heart and she loves her American brother back.

I had the great honor of working beside a truly wonderful friend for the past 51/2 months. Arriving in Haiti before he returned from Christmas break, I did my best to soak in everything I could. I'd come to Haiti not really knowing what to expect or what God's plan was and watching these children and trying to wrap my head around teaching them dance, uncertainty was settling in after just a couple weeks and I was wondering what God's plan was. And then my fellow intern James arrived. I didn't know what to expect when he came, the teachers were all really excited to have him back and I quickly saw why.

Monday morning James began calling each of the children by name as they arrived for preschool, each one had their own special relationship with him, running into his arms, shyly smiling as they walked over and hugged his leg or giving him a "I'm not going to say good morning smirk: and then running away as their plan worked and their big blo brother chased after them tickling them until a good morning came from their lips. They all adored him! His passion and love of the kids showed in everything he did.

James taught games, relays, body part songs, bikes and exercises around the pool and told the Bible story at the end of the day. His passion for the children that he served was inspiring as he tried different ways to keep the kids interested and push them a little farther every day. The preschoolers couldn't help but be inspired by the overflow of love and passion from their big brother, friend and teacher. Dozens of little eyes watched his every move and as he helped kids finish eating, make sure they got to the bathroom, comforted kids that fell and respected everyone. Slowly you could see the older boys taking after him in little ways, helping to carry benches, fighting less, carrying little kids to the bathroom etc

At the end of the day, cutting up things for dinner or playing cards afterwards we talked about highs and lows from that day. His highs were always about how far different kids had come whether they were speaking more, smiling more, running better and faster or participating more; his face just lit up talking about the kids and their achievements.

God wants the absolute best for us and He pours out love every single day and fills us with passion. God is with us all the time and sometimes its hard to see that; but the preschoolers and I saw Him shining through our brother James as he: cheered them on during bike races or relays, when he made things a little harder and then stood by their side encouraging as they did their best, when they disobeyed and he gave them consequences for their actions, they all knew it was all for the greater good. They saw the pain and disappointment on his face whenever one of them had to go stand alone and they wanted to make it up to him.

When we have bad attitudes or sores that need to be cleaned God seeks us out to love on us and to help us work and clean those things out of our lives. He's the best father, teacher and friend we could ask for; but, there are some pretty amazing shining examples and I know God's face is shining with pride when He see's our passionate brother James and the love he poured on all of his little Haitian siblings.

Graduation Day at the Preschool

How did it come so quickly? There were things I wanted to say, things I wanted to do with the kids but time seemed to be running away from me no matter how hard I tried to grasp it there just wasn't enough time in the days leading up to graduation.

But graduation day came nonetheless, woke up early knowing there was a lot to get done before the kids arrived at 8 for breakfast and the ceremony started at 10:30. We all dressed up for the occasion and my family had sent me a new dress that was perfect for dancing with the kids. Claire, my closest friend here in Haiti braided my hair into a beautiful bun, slipped on some shoes (I normally run around barefoot but since it was a special occasion I wore sandals) and headed downstairs to see where a helping hand was needed.

Shelley had put together little gift bags for each of the children and so Claire, Mikayla and I punched holes in the tops and threaded string through to tie into bows. James, my fellow intern and best friend for the past 5 months, began putting up a tarp to shade the parents while they watched the preschools perform with the help of Haitian James and the boys: Jeff, Patrick and Emmanuel. Once the bags were done the children started arriving for breakfast! They were SO adorable! They were all dressed in their best clothes, which for some meant tuled, frilly dresses or a skirt and nice shirt. The boys all wore nice pants and shirts and one of the oldest boys even had a white buttoned up shirt! As I came to breakfast to greet them they began shouting "Hope! Hope! Ou bel!" (You're beautiful) they all ran the sheer fabric through their fingers smiling and admiring and I did the same telling them how beautiful each one looked, commenting on each little thing as I knew it meant a lot to them.

After breakfast and assembly Shelley and I placed duct tape to mark each of the children's spots and began leading the classes one at a time in and placing them in "their spot." One of the teachers little two year olds was "trying" to be helpful. I scooped him and bounced him on my hip as I helped direct and place children as well as greet the children that were arriving late. We ran through their program one time, there wasn't enough time to go through the dances but the kids knew their dances and I knew they'd perform better if they didn't run through it. Sounds weird I know but go with me on this. The little rehearsal went really well and the children went back inside for a snack, some water and storytime while their parents arrived.

I don't have a whole lot of interaction with the parents during Preschool. There are a couple parents that I know but only a handful so it was fun to see all the parents, also dressed in their best, arriving and looking just as excited as the kids.

At last it was time to begin!

The classes were lined up youngest to oldest with the oldest in the back. Estacey one of our wonderful teachers led them in singing This is the Day in both english and kreyol.  The 2's then recited their Bible verse: Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." in Kreyol, French and English. They'd been struggling with it the past week but at graduation the majority said it and then they all yelled "Right!" at the end, it was adorable! To finish their little part in the program we did a little dance called Cat and Mouse that the children absolutely love! I'd chosen 4 of the little 2's to be Cats.

In this dance, that my dance teacher in KS choreographed a long time ago, the cat in the dance is asleep in the middle of the dance floor, the rest of the dancers are mice that want to play with the cat and they tiptoe and dance quietly around the cat until it’s time to wake the cat up. They tap the cat three times and then ask the cat to play with them. The first time the cat is grumpy and tells them no and they run away crying (kids favorite part) but the mice try again and the second time the cat says yes! They hold hands and walk around in a circle and then after they’ve “played all day” they’re all tired, so they stretch and then lay down like the cat and go to sleep.

All the 2’s participated and danced, the cat’s stayed asleep and talked loud and I couldn’t have been happier or prouder of them!

Once the 2’s that had parents at graduation were given a gift and sent to sit with their parents while the others sat in a group and waited patiently for their parents to arrive.

Next came the 3’s & 4’s! They recited John 11:40 in Kreyol, French and English. I’d led their group the previous day during PE and had them practice their verse, I knew part of it in Kreyol and French and so I started it for them and much to my amazement they knew all of it by themselves! This group has so much energy and usually are just crazy so it was very encouraging to see how much they’d grown through out the year as they stood in a straight line and recited their Bible verse perfectly and then sang their song, “Into My Heart” in both French and English with the hand motions that Estacey had taught them!

Their dance was high energy, lots of jumping in place, step claps, going fast and then slow and spinning and freezing in a position to end. They all had the biggest smiles on their faces as they ran out to their spots and you could see the pride shining off their faces as they did the dance they’ve memorized and worked hard to learn. I’m probably going to say this with every class, but, it’s the truth. SUPER PROUD OF THEM!

The oldest class was last; they recited John 3:16, hearing their voices I prayed and hoped that each one of them truly understood what this verse mean’s and that they would come to accept God’s gift very soon. Their song was “Rejoice”, throughout the previous week we would hear the girls start singing their song as they rode on trikes or colored pictures, their sweet little voices would be lifted up to Jesus, led by the oldest girl Hosperlinda and her sister and you couldn’t help but smile and sing along. Watching them singing this and how excited a handful of them were it was like God was showing me his disciples for Haiti, I have no doubt that God has huge plans for each and everyone of these kids and it’s my prayer that they all come to know Christ at an early age and impact Haiti for Christ.

Time to dance!

I’d split the boys and the girls up as there is a greater number of girls than boys. The boys went first dancing a partner dance to “Speak Life” by: TobyMac. Two of the boys had been having a “rough” week, I think they were just anxious for school to be over and therefore could not stand still for a second or obey for longer then a minute. As I placed them in their spots I took their faces in my hands and said “Do a good job for me, ok? You’re smart, funny, strong, good boys and you can do this well for your parents, right?” sheepish grins spread over their faces as they nodded and then it was time! All the boys did the dance perfectly with huge smiles on their faces! And when I had them jump over the river near the end of the dance all the parents were cheering for them, which just blessed me and the kids in ways only God knows.

My girls were last. They’d worked so hard and picked up things so fast that I choreographed their own dance to 10,000 Reasons by: Rend Collective, which everyone in Haiti knows and loves! I gave the girls hand motions but I think it was more for my benefit, to keep my hands busy and not cry rather then for the girls. They did such a beautiful job. I will write more about it later, my heart is so full and God’s working in some pretty awesome ways.

Everyone cheered and clapped for the kids and then Byron, with the help of James translating, talked to the parents about Maranatha’s mission and Bryon and Shelley’s hearts for the children of Haiti. After a prayer we handed out Kool-Aid, hotdogs and cookies. It was fun to see the parents interacting with their kids and just everyone smiling and enjoying the day. I tried not to think about the kids leaving and not coming to school on Monday. The red Kool-Aid dyed their lips so they all looked like they were wearing lipstick and we were all cracking up, which kept the tears at bay.

Several of the kids came running up to me, thanking me and wanting a picture with me and I with them. These kids are all so precious and dear to me, their stories break my heart but their smiles and strength give me energy and remind me of the hope we have in Jesus and that we walk by faith not by sight or circumstance. I’ve been so blessed to serve and love on each and every one of the 80 kids that attended Maranatha’s Preschool; God is doing awesome things here in Haiti and I’m so honored to play a small role in it.

Continued prayer for these children and for English Camp as it’s coming up next week!!! Hopefully I’ll be able to slip in some stories and updates in the crazy days ahead

See my photography page on facebook for photos of gradutaion: H.e.rphotography94