Thankful Week 4

The end of the week is wrapping up! There is good and blessings in every day and certainly every week. We did have a lot of news that was hard, some tears escaped and it made for a long week.

I am thankful that Jesus walks beside us, holds everything in His hands and that I am a work in progress.

I struggle with different things about myself. A lot of things actually... self worth being one of the biggest ones and I'm very sensitive. I shared my testimony this summer and bawled the whole way through it. I know that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and in the hard and weak points of my life these things become twisted as I dwell on them and become like chains that I wind and trap myself in; and all the while God is speaking to me and holding His hands out; just waiting for me hand them over. But it's hard, and though I want to hand them over it's a daily choice because somehow, if I don't continually hand things over to Him, I find myself wrapped back up in my chains of "worthlessness" once again. 

But you know something? God is pleased with me. I am His daughter and though I push myself and feel horrible when things don't turn out perfectly; He is pleased with me. With us, all of us! Because He knows our thoughts and our hearts. Things don't have to be perfect for God to love us or "notice" us; He loved us when we didn't even know Him, He loved us in all our mess. He LOVES us.

Wow. Just let that sink in.

We are His children and He is the perfect fathe, continually helping His children to learn and to grow from the dried and broken ground into a beautiful creation reaching for the Son.

There is a song by Brandon Heath called Wait and See and some of the lyrics are: 

the farther out I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm not here for nothin'

He's up to somethin'

...

There is hope for me yet

Because God won't forget

All the plans He's made for me

I have to wait and see

He's not finished with me yet

Beauty

"Haiti really is beautiful"

This thought crossed my mind as I sat on the balcony of the children's home in village Theodat, I watched the warm breeze play with the long palm branches and make my mouth water as it brought the delicious aroma of freshly baked bread from the bakery.

Yes, there are some not so pretty and even revolting things that can be found and seen in the streets or behind closed doors but, if you turn your focus upward; instead of seeing piles of garbage along the streets and dirty, grimy water flowing in the rivers and down the gutters of some streets; you'll see the beautiful and colorful vines of the bougainvillea flower, blossoming away, their vines reaching out as if to lift your chin up. Showing you beautiful people laughing, bargaining and chatting away, little girls their hair decked out in ribbons and clips all to happy to wave hello and smile back at you. Little boys who've set up goals and play soccer wherever they can, delicious fruit that will tickle your taste buds and a Caribbean blue ocean that surrounds this beautiful island, sending curling white waves into the shore to wash away what it can.

Beauty is everywhere if we would only look for it. The master of lies likes to slip into out heads and fill out minds; disgust rolls in as a sticky smell rises from the garbage sweating in the sun, dark clouds of anger roll in as questions race and smash into the walls of your brain. But, then the clouds burst as the rain slips down your cheeks when you see a tiny child digging through it to find...something; whether it's something to: eat, wear or sell you don't know but you're anger is replaced with a prayer on your lips and passion burning in your heart. Dwelling on rotten and disgusting things is not healthy. I do mean that in a literal and none literal sense.

Dwelling on a mistake, reopening old wounds, holding grudges, seeing the rust and mold, pushing people down destroys not only you but the people around you. I'm not a perfect person but God has taught me so much since I rededicated my life to Him my sophomore year. Two years ago I would have seen the garbage on the streets and whined to myself "People are so lazy, why don't they just throw it where it belongs?! Is it really that hard?!" I would have watched that car speed by me or cut me off and yell "What the heck buddy?! Gah, some people! Really?!" or seen someone on the street and immediately "know" everything about them from their appearance and manners and judge them.

I'm not proud of this fact.

I honestly don't want to share this; but God's been pressing on my heart about this and though I find myself erasing things God writes them write back down, so here this is. Unedited.

God showed me my ugliness, that as I thought these horrible and rotten things I was becoming as rotten as my thoughts. A wonderful women in my life was praying for me and she encouraged me to be praying all the time and looking for God in everything.

And so the next time that car sped by me I began to think about the person driving in the car as an actual person and I heard this voice telling me "You don't know them, you don't know their story or where they're headed." and all these thoughts of where that person could be heading (hospital to see someone for the last time, late to the job they so desperately needed to keep their family going) and my heart began to ache for them and I found myself praying this prayer:

"Father God, I don't know that person or where they're headed but God I pray you would bless them, that they would get to wherever they are going safe and God if they don't know You I pray that you would draw them close to You and they would come to a saving knowledge of You and be a huge asset to You're kingdom and Father if they do know you help them to shine You're light in everything they do. In You're name amen"

And almost instantly my anger or frustration evaporated and a peace and love washed over me. This became my daily routine as I drove to work and this happened frequently, I actually looked forward to it! And then God started convicting me of judging people and pushed me to talk to them and find out their story and why they were the way they were and to pray for them as well and wow.... I wish I could travel the whole world and meet every single person and write their stories down and capture a picture of them, a beautiful none posed real picture of them and put it in a book so everyone could knew and see how beautiful our stories are. God has such an imagination and is just incredible... it blows my mind!

All this to say, focus on the good. When words of anger or frustration try to make their way out exchange them for His words. Instead of looking/noticing the bad watch for the good. I still fall into bad habits and God lovingly steers me back. I want to just share His work in myself and the lessons He has taught me. Though I'm still learning. I want everyone to see the beauty He has created in the world and in each of us and it's hard to do that when the stench of garbage waters your eyes and blurs your vision or when you're gaze has been cast down too many times to even try and look up.

Haiti is sometimes called "the crotch of the world" but I prefer to think of it as "God's clay island" because I know He is shaping it, into something beautiful and it will be put through the kiln again and again until it's colors burn bright and His love and handiwork are perfect. This is the Haiti I know; this is the world I know! Constantly being molded and fired over and over. God's kingdom is here, right now, in absolutely everything we do! 

Don't give up hope; the trash may be waste deep but the flowers touch the sky so keep your eyes on the beauty He created for you and continue learning, working and praying as change happens one prayer, one act and one person at a time.

My Bumblebees

My first class of the day was yellow group, the youngest group of girls ages 5-7. I knew four girls in that class from teaching preschool and on the first day they came running to me for the hug and kiss they knew they would receive; a couple of the girls that I didn't know followed them and they all recieved the same. We tried to play a game where everyone said their name while doing a silly action and everyone repeated; but for some reason hearing 32 names twice it didn't really stick.

As the weeks passed (way too quickly) I began to look forward to yellow groups huge tackle hug (everyone joined in now) I waited as all the other groups passed the carport, where I taught younger p.e, out the gate and off to their first class of the day. Then as yellow group came swarming around the corner towards me yelling "Hoooope" or "Mwen Hope" (my Hope) I couldn't help but laugh and try to say "Good morning" as they barreled into me each laughing, lifting little their heads up, forming their little lips into a kiss and calling attention to themselves as I worked my way around the group giving them a kiss on their forehead or cheek.

One of their favorite games was called Barnyard.

In this game we split the girls into three groups and named them either: cats, dogs or sheep. The jr counselors and leaders stood in the middle or off to the side, I paused, watching the excitement on their faces as they waited to see which group got to run... "Baa" came the call and all the sheep went running to touch the wall before someone could touch them; the jr counselors and leaders would race to try and catch a child before they were safe at the wall.

This game was also one of my favorites because everyone involved just couldn't help but smile and squeal as they raced or were caught and swung around in the arms of one of their leaders. I tried to mix it up calling another group to the wall while the leaders were trying to catch the last couple from the previous group, their faces as they were caught off guard made the little girls laugh hysterically as they raced close to their stunned leaders without being caught. During the last week girls that had been caught could get back into the game if they could say a sentence in english. Others were content to sit with me and "help" me call out the different groups. And certain little girls, while they participated in the game tried to be caught because it meant that they were swung around in their leaders arms and then they got to cuddle with me on my bench or be tickled as they watched the game continue.

I loved my little bumblebees, those girls were never without a smile on their face or a kind thing to say. They had just as much energy as the crazy boy group their age but they used it to spread joy and laughter and to play the games better.

This game reminded me of us and our relationship with God, because though we race around doing this and that and as this world discourages us and we're brought to our knees we run to the promise of heaven and the fact that there will be no more tears there and we will be made new. While this is all true and wonderful we sometimes forget and maybe just don't think about the fact that God is the real thing we should be longing for and as the entire human race races and tries to work their way to heaven, we should be racing to God's arms.

We were asked a question by one of our Directors, Bryon. He asked us during a devotion "If Jesus wasn't in heaven, would you still want to go?" think on that a little bit through-out this week; do we love Him because of what He gives us or does for us or do we love Him simply... for Him?

Pour out Love

"OK, OK?" I shouted for the hundredth time in one class period, 42 little boys shouted "OK!" back but before my translator or I could get a word in there was shouting and talking from every corner of the carport where we were doing younger P.E. Their little voices all talking created a roar to match those that cheer throughout Port-au-Prince whenever Brazil scores. The sun was hot and I wiped my sweaty brow as I turned to God for help. Deep breath in, deep breath out. A cool breeze began to wrap itself around me and I knew He stood beside me.

My hands met in a loud clap as I repeated the same phrase we use to get the children's attention "OK, OK?" I yelled louder than I thought I could "OK!" they shouted back, I repeated this for a few minutes until I had all of their attention "SILENCE, SI. VOU. PLAIS!" (Silence please) and to my surprise it became almost quiet, but it was enough. I began explaining a game that we were going to play using brightly colored balls and teams. Pulling out the balls caught all of their attention. My translator explained that we would be picking 8 boys at a time and silence fell as they all did their utmost best to remain quiet while we pulled the first 8.

I'd been watching four boys that I did preschool with for the past 6 months and was so proud as I found them to be the nicest and most obedient. I pulled them and 4 other boys that hadn't been causing to much trouble to the front and be began playing Down, Down, Down where they pass the ball back and forth and if you drop it you have to drop to a knee, drop it again and it's two knees until you're playing with only one hand. The boys cheered for their teams and I watched as smiles broke out on their sweaty faces and laughter as people dropped the ball and had to drop lower then their partner.

Throughout the class period words like: love, encourage, engage, cheer just kept running through my head and so I did my best to just pour all these things out. Cheering and shouting, getting the boys to encourage their partners and throw the ball further. A couple little fights broke out that I had to reprove and there was one little boy in particular that just blatantly refused to obey and wasn't allowed to participate; which is never fun.

I won't lie; when their class was up a wave of relief hit me I called them to me, thanking them for listening and working hard together and asking them to be good in their next class. To my surprise I received several, high fives, hugs and thank yous from their little crowd as they filed out the gate. I always feel like a horrible person when I yell or punish someone, I'm a people pleaser and it never ceases to amaze me how these beautiful Haitian children react and give back in love. At the meeting with all the teachers, staff, interns and translators after camp we all lifted the group up to God asking for wisdom and obedience.

The next morning I felt God pushing me find the little boy that had caused so many problems the previous day. I found him in his faded blue shirt just finishing breakfast and sitting a little to close to the pool. I called his named and scooped him up in a hug, he clung to me so tightly it reminding me of when my youngest brother would hug me before and after I came home from work, like he'd never let me go. "Oh buddy" my heart was stolen away in that moment, along with my breath. And when I got it back I began to talk to him about how much Jesus and I love him and want him to obey and what a good boy I know he could be. He didn't say a word but nestled his shaved head deeper into my neck. "You're going to be a good boy today, right?" I finally asked, his deep little voice responded and I gave him a final squeeze before placing him back in his spot and kissing his sweaty brow.

I began to walk back to my place, giving high fives and shouting "Bonjour" to the rest of his group and telling them "No problems today" in a teasing way. I didn't know if that would make a difference but I felt a peace and a little bit of excitement about it as the morning assembly began and classes were dismissed.

I waited anxiously for orange group. And when they came through the gate in a perfect line repeating what their Jr. Counselor was calling out instead of talking among themselves I couldn't help but smile and tell them all good job. All of them turned to me with shining faces giving me high fives or jumping out of line really fast to give me a hug. They went above and beyond my expectations and the class period flew by a lot faster than I wanted it to.

Meeting that day was praise and excitement about orange group. Everyone had seen the need and poured love and we were not disappointed with the reaction.

Serving anywhere in the world as a Christian we are called to love. Sounds very simple and easy; but there is a lot of meaning in that word and honestly I don't think we will ever fully understand it's meaning while we are here on this earth. But here are some thoughts:

Love:
Goes above and beyond what people expect
Patiently waits
Cleans dirty hands
Is kind when others behave or speak badly
Dances when it can't walk
Does not envy what other people have or receive
Lifts people up
Smiles when its heart is breaking
Forgives and forgets
Cheers when its voice is almost gone
Makes room when there is none
Listens
Gives people opportunities to grow
Kisses sweaty brows
Disciplines justly
Puts others before oneself
Speaks truth
Ties shoes
Is humble
Walks several miles for a loved one
Prays when words and actions seem to fail
Steps back when needed

Pour out love and wait for God to work. You won't be disappointed

Through My Eyes

I thought I'd take you on a journey and give you a peek into one of many exciting days of preschool here at Maranatha Children's Ministries in Haiti.

Woke up after one of the best nights sleep I've had in a very long time thanks to Malaria; the wind was playing with the leaves of the mango and palm tree right outside my window and I hoped for a little bit of a cooler today. Looking at the clock it read 7:22 and I have a meeting to do at 7:30, yikes! Jumped out of bed slipped on the dusty, white tile, let out a little yelp as I fell on my face, popped back up and quickly got ready for the day.

What kind of day lay ahead of me with such an exciting beginning?

Every day we have a schedule and for the most part we stick to it, though with weather and sickness things do tend to get shifted around. Racing out of my room finishing my braid I found on top of the box where we keep the sheets for the schedules a note saying that my fellow intern and good friend James had already put together the schedule, "Mesi anpil James!" Headed out to the meeting with 2 minutes to spare!

Morning meetings are under the big gazebo. All of the staff attends the meeting, they start by singing a hymn and than we do devotions before going through the schedule for the day. But something was off this morning, it was 7:35 and no one was at the table except for James and I... James went to get them but only 7 people came to morning meeting out of the usual 12 and out of the 7 there were only 4 people who work with the children 2 teachers and then James and me. I have to admit I freaked out a little.

"Does anyone know where... anyone is?"

We pieced together that 2 people were sick but the rest we had no idea. There had been a Tap Tap (public transportation) strike a few weeks ago and I wondered if it was happening again. "Guess we're going to be teaching the 2's class today James" I said laughing. Something Haiti has taught me is to laugh in the good times and the hard times because it's easy to be discouraged and sometimes you just have to let go and laugh as you think "What on earth just happened."

As they finished singing Mama Erta arrived just in time to do devotions! James and I were pretty relieved we weren't teaching but I told Erta I would be her helper for the day as 32 little 2 year-olds is a little much for one set of hands. We tweaked the schedule, prayed together and were off to get things ready.

Right before the children arrived one of the helpers for the 2's arrived! I wrapped her in a huge hug and told her I was super excited to see her, even more so because we were so short staffed! She was shocked when I told her everyone that was missing and she told me that she wasn't feeling good but she knew that she needed to come today and now she knew why!

8:00am time to greet the children!

Running, walking or toddling through the black gate, giving one last glance at their mother or father, a whimper perhaps to show that they weren't too excited to be going to school and then their eyes land on you and a smile, sometimes a shriek as they call your name and come running to your arms or just running to you and hugging your leg as sometimes you already have two kids on each hip and one clinging to your back. Shouts erupt from all over the yard and teachers and my fellow intern greet kids by name. 

Soon the call for clean up is made and we all head to breakfast, holding one or two kids while leading the rest behind. The oldest children sit at the table under the huge gazebo while the younger children sit at two more tables that are set up in the preschool room. As backpacks that weren't taken off before coming to breakfast are gathered children close their eyes and fold their hands while a teacher prays than breakfast is served! Emanie makes breakfast every morning and it changes between oatmeal with raisins to banana bread & hard boiled eggs.

I help pass out plates and cups of milk to the youngest children giving each child a kiss on the forehead and telling them good morning. The children will shout my name and some of them pucker their little lips ready to give me a kiss on the cheek as well. They've all figured out my name and now I'm called one of three things: "Hope" "Hopie" or "Mama". Each of the kids hold different places in my heart and I have a special relationship with each one of them. Some are tickled until they tell me good morning or how they're feeling others get a little hug and a reminder to eat everything on their plates.

Heading outside Darlens and his little sister begin the chant of "HOPE! HOPE! HOPE! HOPE!" I shout their names back to them reaching them and tickling them both to get them to stop. After all the plates are passed out I head back to the preschool room to make sure a couple particular kids eat their breakfast & sending kids out to wash their hands or into the bathrooms before assembly starts. A handful of children trickle in once all the children are seated and eating, James and I run to greet them and scoop them up to carry them to an extra seat at the table.

  I helped Carmita clear the tables that day as she was just getting over the virus and her hands still couldn't lift heavy things. I served food to the last couple kids that arrived and gave a child with a fever some medicine before heading in to assembly to sing with the kids. Cristelle is a little two year old that was the first child to really attach to me; she ran up to me in her little pink and yellow shirt and lifted her arms to be picked up. Swinging her up to my hip we began to sing Oh, Be Careful Little Eyes, we sing it in English and in Kreyol. I began singing and swaying with her, we shook our fingers at each other shouting "What you see!" and laughing as we both couldn't keep a straight face!

After singing we say a prayer for the day and then the children all split into their different classes and head to one of our 4 different stations. The 2's start with craft and today was a coloring page of the Good Samaritan, I sat beside a little boy who when I first met him was very shy and never smiled. But through the months he has become such a smiley outgoing little thing it's really amazing to see. I sat between him and my little flower; Astride. Astride has grown a lot over the past few months, she holds the little pink crayon like it’s the most precious possession she owns and carefully she begins to color the man laying with his back against a large boulder. She doesn't stay in the lines exactly but she understands that this should all be colored. I praise her and Daniel as they work and other children lift up their papers to show me how they're doing as well.

   

Once all the children have finished coloring and their names have been written on the top we bring out fresh play dough! Each of the children are given a portion and I watched as they began to pinch little pieces off and roll into balls, “Hopie! Vini!” I hear from across the room, Marie Landie has rolled all of her play dough into one huge snake and her beaming smile shows just how proud she is of it. I play with her and Cristelle showing them how to make a dog with their balls of play dough, they were so excited!

Picking up the playdough the children are sent outside to sit on the step of the gazebo where they each receive a vitamin, a banana and a cup of water. I take a seat in front of them and instantly 4 kids run to sit on my lap while another 4 run to sit on James’ as well. We laugh, talk and play with the kids as they eat their snack and when they're finished half head to the front where chalk and bubbles await and I stay with the other half in the back where James has them do races. 

Astride and Redjina have claimed my lap as James calls out two kids to come stand beside him we all chant with him “Ready, Set, Go!” and they're off running a lap around the pool their little shoes slapping the concrete, ribbons flying and shrieks of joy escaping their lips as they race and those still seated chant both of their names. I'm impressed by a number of the kids that fly around the pool at lightning speed, they “cross the finish line” and give James and I a high five, their faces shining and hearts racing.

After everyone’s has had two turns it’s time to fall in and head to the front. We recite the alphabet in both French and English making silly voices and calling the kids to hold on and don't let go. Each of the children are given a piece of colored chalk, they run to the tall black gate which serves as a perfect blackboard for the kids artwork. One of the kids favorite things to do is draw lines and circles and then erase it to draw more; but when they do their hands turn the color of the chalk and they'll shriek and giggle lifting them up to show me.

I bring out the bubbles as James gathers what is left of the little pieces of chalk. No matter how old you are there is really something simply magical about bubbles and chasing them as the wind sends them dancing brings a smile to even the grumpiest face.

The fourth and final station is inside where we have assembly. The children sit around a chair as Islande has them tell her in English and Kreyol the date, days of the week and months of the year. Astride and Redjina have claimed my lap once more as Islande reads the class a story, first in English and then in Kreyol   asking them questions as she reads. The children all love books.

Today we had blocks after reading. I hadn’t been able to watch the 2’s play with the blocks and it was fun to watch as they pieced the pieces together and then told me what they’d built. I watched as a 2 square blocks became a car. A  whole stack of blocks became Adams airplane and Fabiola built a tower and then began sharing the different pieces as she took it apart.

Soon it’s lunch time, blocks are gathered and children line up to head to the preschool room to eat. A little boy managed to get his shoes off while playing with blocks and he brings them over to me to put on. His shoes are an old pair of tennis shoes that have seen much better days, there used to be a character of some kind on the sides but it’s long since come off, the insides are so shredded that it’s hard to get his sockless little foot in them but in they go nonetheless and he runs off to a lunch of peanut butter and honey sandwiches with milk.

I head out to serve the children under the gazebo, as I step outside I hear one of the oldest girls praying “Thank you for everything, please God bless Hope, bless Fi Fi, bless James, bless us God. We love you. In Jesus’ name amen!” to say that this is sweet is honestly an understatement. This child has far less than I have and does not have a good home life. But she prays that God will bless me. It’s a rather humbling thought.

Mats are laid out side by side in the assembly room and once the younger children have washed their sticky hands and mouths I help lay them down on the blue mats that fill the room. There aren’t enough for all the children and so I pull out some blankets and lay them in the pathway between the mats for the remaining children to sleep on. Islande sits and sings to them as they fall to sleep with a fan blowing around the room.

The oldest children have recess now. James and I try to switch it up and make it fun for the kids. We started with races as there were a couple kids with fevers that needed to be cared for. Hosperlinda, the oldest child that goes to Maranatha and has become my little sister begs me to race with her. I haven't done a whole lot of running or really any movement since I was sick. But her pleading puppy eyes are to much to deny and so off we go running around the pool. I was able to run which felt absolutely amazing during the race (not so much after) but running alongside my little sister both of us taunting the other one as we ran and laughing was much needed and a little prayer of thanks went up in the Haitian heat.

The wooden benches had been moved for cleaning and James and I had the idea to try and do musical chairs… with benches. We got James ipod and speaker and explained the game to the kids. Last one to sit down is out and the game began! The kids caught on very quickly and there was lots of laughter and dancing as the kids marched around the benches.

At 12 their afternoon classes start and they're divided again into three classes to work and James and I are on lunch break for an hour and a half. The day seems so much longer than it is and so much happens in those few hours that when lunch comes around sitting down and eating something sounds like you've just won the lottery. Don't get me wrong I love working with the kids but it does take more out of you than you realize.

The kids wake up and have a snack of crackers and water before heading in for afternoon assembly where James tells the children a Bible story while Rehuel translates for him, the other teachers and I hold as many kids on and around us as we can while making sure children are not messing with things they shouldn’t. The kids generally listen well but we all have our days where we can’t sit still and when there’s 80 kids that can't sit still a lot of grace is needed; which God always provides but we don't always tap into.

After another prayer children head to the front yard and play on the swings, kick balls, chase each other or curl up in our laps as they wait for their parents to come and arrive. It used to be hard to let the kids go home; not knowing where they're going to or knowing and not liking it. But if God has taught me anything it's that He does not just live here at Maranatha; He goes home with the children as well. He cares for them, looks out for them and always brings them back no matter what virus strikes.

I've been more than blessed to be a part of this organization and to see the ups and downs of running a preschool and life in general on this little island. These children are so very smart and well behaved they humble me on a daily basis. I look forward to what God has in store for the future!

Not Superhumans

I moved from the "Land of Perfection" to a little Island that is one of the "Scariest in All the Lands". I left the highest paying job to one where I'm not paid, said goodbye to adoring family and friends that eagerly await my homecoming and left everything "normal and comfortable" to go be a superhero and live with almost nothing.

Wait, back pedal.... somethings not right; oh haha nope, didn't do that. I left the States where bad and good things happen, where people are people to move to Haiti; where bad and good things happen and where people are; well people. I left a money paying job to work at another job that pays me in a spiritual and mental way, I said goodbye to friends as we all scattered to fulfill dreams, hugged and kissed my family goodbye as they sent me off knowing I was safe in Gods hands and I picked up my camera, journal, Bible and God's Hand to go capture, remember, grow, learn and to be used as He led me to go live in Haiti as a big sister and dance teacher with more blessings that I could have imagined.

As much as I want to be I am not a superhuman.

Going on a mission trip or moving to a new place you usually arrive and you're just so fired up and ready to learn and help out and you have so many hopes and dreams and plans and you're going to make them ALL come true! But; when I was 17, I went on a mission trip to China, the woman leading our group was a mother of 4 children that had been adopted from China. Having made several trips to China and having a large group of 12, we had weekly meetings and she beat into our heads "Be flexible, BE flexible, BE FLEXIBLE!" I say this in the most imperative way. Coming from a Christian family where all of us were home schooled my parents had taught me manners and respect for authority. I knew Tami was our leader, that she'd been to China before, she had our best interests in mind and so there was nothing to worry about and no question of whether she was right or wrong and I left with the only worry being that I'd miss a chance to shine.

On that trip we were tested in our flexibility when our hotel, that had been booked in advance and that our contact in Beijing had made sure of either the same day or the previous one, no longer had our rooms. When we traveled to "every" hotel in Beijing until early into the morning and finally crashed at our contacts house; some in beds other on couches or the floor. I had flexibility when I was "lost" in the pearl market (that story is for another time) when I got a little boy instead of the little girl I was POSITIVE I was going to get, when I thought my translator didn't like me, when the pool was closed and a new activity had to be found, when there were unexpected free times, when saying goodbye to the children that had stolen our hearts, when a passport was stolen and two of our teammates did not return with us waiting on a new passport to arrive.

God however always showed us the "reason why" we went through these things: We had the most amazing breakfast to wake up to that our contacts wife made and we got to hear their perspective a little more than we would have, God showed me how to keep a level head and make smart decisions, God gave me a little brother and made my translator feel more at home and connect better with both of us, I learned just how many languages and dialects there are in China and how my translator didn't speak the same one our little brother did, but she could understand 3/4 of what he said. The kids got to go to a movie theater, tons of laughs and stories were shared, hearts were broken for the better and God wasn't finished with two members of our team in China.

China grew me in a lot of ways and I didn't realize how much until I went to Ireland with my dance team last summer. Also, my parents took special care in choosing each of my siblings names and I have to say my parents were spot on with each of us. If you didn't already know my name is Hope, on my birth announcement was the Bible verse Titus 2:13 which happens to be my birth date. I hope for Jesus' coming and for the best in people and in life though sometimes it's hard I still strive to find that glimmer. As my faith has grown I've found that I'm not worried about a majority of things because I know, I legitimately know that God has His hands around me and whatever happens He will give me the strength and the knowledge to make it through. This doesn't mean that I don't have that moment of panic or uncertainty (I am human remember) but I always return to rest in His peaceful arms and I thank Jesus for the strength to do that.

Heading to Haiti I didn't have a big elaborate plan, I wasn't even positive I was going until a month or so before I landed in Haiti. God made it clear that I was supposed to go however and so I jumped from the top of the mountain into the clouds below.

I feel like I took my first few weeks slowly as I learned the language but then I just started running, pouring, driving myself as the needs I saw came at me like a meteor shower. I didn't feel like I was doing enough or really anything, but God was using me and I didn't realize this until God brought me a friend, my fellow intern here at Maranatha who opened my eyes to the littlest things and showed me how God had been working. Reminded me that while its great to pour out you have to be poured into because we can't run on our own steam and we need to be going to God's word daily. I've never loved or done devotions as much as I do here.

God was trying to show and tell me, to take time and that I was doing a good job and actually during devotions I heard His voice tell me this and it brought me to tears. I still didn't slow up or take time for myself. Didn't see it as a need or a high priority. God brought me three more friends, 3 girls that volunteered here, two were close friends from Canada that were working with us for two weeks and then heading up into the mountains to work with an orphanage and the other came from Texas and ended up staying an extra two weeks! We all became very close and they poured into me opening my eyes once again; but still I wasn't taking the time God wanted me to. I got an infection on my finger and had to sit for a good 30 minutes soaking it till the hot water became cold to draw it out 4x's a day for several weeks. Though I always managed to find something to do while soaking it. God is stubborn and my old dance injury began to act up so I was sitting for a good hour with ice on my back. Couldn't do a whole lot during that time and I think God began to smile.

My second week of helping run the preschool while the Tluceks were stateside for graduations I was hit hard with a virus; I had a migraine, aches and cramps in my stomach, side, hands and feet along with being incredibly nauseous but I never threw up no matter how much I wanted to and I was VERY out of it. This had me in bed, much to my dismay but both Madame Sue and James convinced me that it was better to miss one or two days than an entire week of preschool. I tried to be angry at myself for "slacking off" and "not helping" but though I was upset I wasn't angry, I heard the kids voices and wanted to cry because I missed them but there was only an ache because I knew that they were all in good hands and I would see them soon, I tried not to enjoy all the sleep and a chance to read a couple books though I was in pain I hadn't gotten to sit down and read for awhile. I laid in bed Tuesday and Wednesday tried to get up Thursday and was able to do meeting in the morning but the pain in my side was leaving my breathless and so I went back to bed. Friday I was determined to do craft with the kids as it was one I'd been looking forward to. James and Madame Sue know me pretty well and after I'd told them I felt ok they responded "Ok what exactly does that mean?" I passed the test however and was allowed to help in craft if I sat for most of it and went to bed at lunchtime. Walking out I was immediately greeted with "HOPE! HOPE! MWEN HOPE!!! MWEN SONJE OU!!! MWEN RENMEN OU" (My Hope, I missed you, I love you) I had the biggest smile and tears in my eyes as I hugged and kissed each one of them.

Over the weekend I wasn't sleeping well at night, still had an awful headache, had to rest and felt off and out of it. Monday: Madame Sue put me on Malaria medicine and wowzah, powered through the first half of the day as I wanted to do dance for the kids but after the last class I went to bed and crashed without being told.
Tuesday: took it easy and took pictures of the kids playing with parachute and balls; the lady that cleans after meals was sick with the new Chikungunya virus and so I pushed through to
clean up, sweep and mop for the afternoon classes but I felt super nauseous and lightheaded and finished as quickly as possible before crashing yet again.
Wednesday: I got to do lunch and a small piece of recess but I took my last malaria pills soon after recess and had to go lie down; kids were not thrilled but I told them Thursday I would stay up and be able to tell them all goodbye.
Thursday: came and I woke up feeling like a completely new person which I know was all God's doing because we were incredibly short staffed as the Chikungunya virus was making it's rounds and I jumped in and helped lead the 2's class which is our largest group. I had an absolute blast and recess we played the kids favorite game "Going on a Lion Hunt" which you have to have two interns to play and I was able to say goodbye to the kids and send them home with a hug and kiss.
Friday: my fellow intern was electrocuted and sent to bed. Turned the day around and I ended up doing bikes around the pool which I've secretly been missing and wanting to do for a long time. We only had 60 kids come which seems like nothing but was a blessing and the day went so smoothly I give God all the glory for that.

Through this entire experience God taught me several different lessons but the most prominent one is that I need to give my worries and cares to Him before they settle on my shoulders and I'm driving to do anything and everything despite how I feel and end up in bed with a virus.

We are not superhumans and God has a way of reminding us on the mission field; wherever that is for you on this earth. We can't do everything; we just can't. We cannot depend on our own power and strength because we will find the bottom of a small container where His power and strength is bottomless. When God tells us in Matthew 16:24 to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily He doesn't exactly mean go make yourself miserable and don't take care of yourself. The NLV puts it this way "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross and follow me." taking time to rest and refresh yourself in His love and peace is not selfish. Something I'm learning and probably will continue to "learn" for a very long time.

All of this to say that I knew I was giving things up when I moved, I knew God was asking me to give things up and when I came to Haiti I told God "I'm following You and therefore I have everything I need." and we're all called to do this in our daily lives. I'm nobody supernatural I'm simply trying to follow God and glorify Him.

Remember: You're not a superhuman, take time to seek Him because you are His child and He loves you to pieces.

My Butterfly

Once upon a time there was a Haitian butterfly that came to preschool at Maranatha. She was sweet and shy and from day one I fell in love with her as we sat and sang songs from assembly that were stuck in my head.

She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and a smile slowly creeping from lips. "mwen pa vle, mwen pa vle" (I don't want) her little hands trying to hold mine down "Oh, ok I won't.... TICKLE YOU!" her laugh went flying into the hot air as she squirmed on my lap with the biggest smile! I couldn't continue tickling her as her laugh was contagious and I held her close as we laughed long and hard. When she caught her breath she looked up at me and whispered "Mwen pa vle" her eyes sparkling with laughter and the game continued.

When we couldn't laugh anymore and everyone had finished eating and recess was under way she caught my long bangs in her hand and began to make a twist; being ever so gentle. When she was done she showed off her handiwork; a look of pride on her face, I thanked her and pulled her into a big hug telling her thank you and telling her what a good job she'd done she stayed on my lap the whole period and it was hard to send her into class but giving her an encouraging smile I let her go.

After that she'd walk through the gate and I'd shout her name and call out good morning to her, that shy smile would poke through as she'd nod and place her back pack on the bench before coming to give me a huge hug! My Kreyol was limited to a couple words, but it was ok because she just wanted to be held and loved on and so I did my best.

As the weeks flew by and she'd made friends with the other girls in her class and became more outgoing and that Haitian Sassafras, as I like to call it, had really begun to show in her. Several weeks ago though she came to me as I sat with my back to the big kids table playing a game with some of the little 2 year olds that were seated outside, quietly little arms wrapped around my neck and she rested her delicate chin on them and my shoulder, I knew instantly that it was my butterfly "Mwen renmen ou" (I love you) I said patting her arm and rest my head against hers, she didn't speak. I tried to twist around to look at her but she held me close, I tickled her and she squirmed enough to loosen her arms so that I could swing her around to my lap "Ou byen?" (are you well?) she nodded but I could tell in her eyes that things were not right. I held her close and sang to her and she picked up on the words and tried to sing with me. I didn't know why but my heart was aching for this little girl.

At the meeting with the teachers I found out that my little butterfly had a hard homelife, some things had happened that should never happen to little children and it brought us all to halt. I couldn't wrap my mind around it, "Theres gotta be a mistake, who would do that to this sweet sweet adorable girl?" but my heart new it was true and when she didn't come to school for a little over a week I was sick with worry and fear for her. We continued lifting her up in prayer and when my butterfly walked in a little late one morning a cried with joy!

I wish I could say "and she continues to grow and smile and dance in the sunshine here at Maranatha and I hold her close and kiss her every day" But sadly this is not the end to this story. Two weeks ago something horrible happened and my butterfly is missing. I don't know where she is or what is happening to her and once again it's hard to process... but my name is Hope and I hope for the absolute best, I know that no matter what God is holding her and looking out for her and though it's painful and hard to understand I've given my worries to Him.

Please join me in prayer for these particular things that God has really laid on my heart:
 She will be returned to her mother
That God would touch her fathers heart and make a radical God glorifying change
She and her brother would be safe
That if there is someone who can help God would give them the courage to act
And that she would feel God's love and peace in her life

This story is far from finished help me pray and lift this beautiful butterfly and her family upto our loving Father who sees and knows all

He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20

She's Beautiful

As she reached out her hand to grasp the one next to her, I watched as the other child pulled theirs away, not phased she reached again and my heart began to crack as the other child switched places in line. I called for them to go back to their place and hold hands with her and my blood boiled as I watched the other child stick their tongue out and shudder as they placed two fingers in her open hand then draw them back laughing. Like a mama bear I ran to her defense and after an apology had been given my heart completely broke when I turned back to see her smiling her wide toothy smile that reaches her big brown eyes; not the least bit phased as she's dealt with this her whole life.

I love this little girl.

She's beautiful, in her little short dresses, frilly socks and short; sometimes clipped and ribboned hair, she greets everyone with a smile and no matter what is going on in her life; if you ask her if she's ok she will always reply that she is doing well. I'm always ecstatic to see her as she seems to fill the whole yard with sunshine when she walks past the tall black gate and comes running into my arms. Her little brother shortly behind her; she always makes sure he has time with Hope too.

She's beautiful, from the inside out she seems to glow with constant happiness and love. She loves to sit with me as we play Giant Duck Duck Goose or she waits her turn for Bike Races. She snuggles close watching intently and helping to cheer people on. A small giggle will escape her lips as I tickle her; but the longer I tickle her the bigger it grows until it's a full laugh as she squirms on my lap, her little nose scrunched up and her head thrown back.

She's beautiful and gentle; her small hands always manage to find my long bangs that are pulled back, gently she braids or twists the strands, the only time I've seen her snap is when someone grabs it from her and she knows it hurts me or they begin playing with my ponytail and are not as gentle as she is.

She's beautiful and her heart is kind; as she's chosen last and her partner is rarely thrilled she gives them an encouraging smile. When they shove her away from them she innocently steps forward to see and fix whatever she's done wrong; though there isn't a mean bone in her body. As I watched this scene play out in dance class I couldn't take it and as class was already underway, her partner was sent to time out as I took her partners vacant place and danced with her instead. Though she's one of the youngest in the class she picks things up quickly and will say the motions in both Kreyol and English. After the class finished, I pulled her partner aside and talked with her partner; however when she was told to apologize she refused. Hurting, I apologized for her and then with a conflicted mind I asked her partner whether she thought she should be allowed to ride a bicycle today, to which she slowly shook her head "No." However; I felt the choice was up to her partner and my eyes filled with tears as I asked the question and immediately she nodded a vigorous "yes" I gently kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear that she was the most beautiful little girl.

It's easy to retaliate; to push back and say "I deserve better than that!" after all it's the survival of the fittest that we're trying to achieve out there right? Oh, wait; no, no its not. People have a way of annoying, frustrating and hurting us and we find it easier to "Get even" rather than "Forgive 'em". We let these little and sometimes big issues blind us from seeing the opportunity to be light in a dark situation. Light is warm and inviting not harsh and condescending. When children pull and twist her finger she could push and pull right back, when children refuse to hold hands she could get angry, but this beautiful Haitian girl has chosen to be more than that. She is a living example of "Do unto others as you would have them do to you", a shining example of love and grace.

 She's treated differently all because of a small 6th finger on her left hand connected to the knuckle of her pinky finger.

"Hold hands because it keeps you close with the people you love" This has probably been said before but this came to me the other day as I was thinking of the lessons all the children in my life have taught me. I love this little girl and I know her Father loves her and holds her hand gently in His own in a daily basis.

Just One

There are days when I struggle.

Shocking I know but yes, I, Hope Ruebke struggle and this twisting of my heart and wrenching of my stomach take place when I see injustice and its just simply not enough to help one child; I want to help them all.

There's so much need in every child that I see; yes some are more needy than others but they're all beautiful and amazing children and I just want to protect them, to give them pure love, to help them to grow both physically and mentally with God. It's a huge task; one that can and will leave you weary thinking of everything that needs to be done.

The little girl of three sisters that attend the school cut her arm several weeks ago; they brought her to us and we were able to take her next door to have stitches placed. But, the wound was not taken care of properly. So, my fellow intern and I have been diligently caring for her arm at the end of the day these past weeks and praise God it is healing much faster. She doesn't cry when we clean her wound, she will turn away and begin to rub the back of who ever is holding her, usually James, she will squeeze her eyes shut and lean heavily into his chest, but no tears, no cries. She is incredibly strong girl, her home life is hard; I ask for prayer for this beautiful girl and her sisters. James and I have been walking them home from school a big part of the reason is because we really can't say goodbye to them.

I also treated another little girl yesterday; but not for a cut. There are sores all over legs that she has scratched and rubbed so badly it's hard to distinguish whether they are ringworm, boils or eczema and they may very well be all. But, I placed medicine on all of her sores (I couldn't count how many there were) placed bandages and we were able to find her a pair of pants to cover them up as well as to keep her from scratching. This girl is also cross-eyed and I've been giving the job of placing a patch on her eye and switching it through-out the day; I love her so much and she reminds me of one of the kids I used to babysit as well as teach dance too. She came today wearing the pants which I was extremely grateful for as I wasn't sure what her parents would think as she is usually in a dress. Please keep her in your prayers as well.

I have story after story of hard home lives, sickness and behavior that causes us to worry. I didn't imagine that I would be holding children with burning fevers,  treating children for different things and mending clothing and shoes as they break apart. But this is where God has called me. It's easy to turn a blind eye and only see their beautiful smiling faces that shine no matter what and get caught up in the lie that everything is fine and prayer is not that important but I tell you praying is the most important tool that we have and we don't use the tools we are given we are not working to the best of our abilities and not only do we suffer for it but others as well. James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

I bought a starfish bracelet while I was on the island of Capri, from the pearly bracelet dangle silver starfish and I bought it as a reminder when hard days come to remember that: it matters to the one. Though I want to hold all of the kids; it matters to the one child that is sitting on my lap giggling away or leaning into my chest. Though I want to walk all of the kids home it matters to the one riding on my back or the one cradled in my arms. Though I know there are countless other children in the world what I'm doing here matters to the ones that I am loving on here, in the moment, everyday with His pure and unconditional love.

It's a hard love sometimes but it's love nonetheless.