Rest Easy

"You better rest while you're there" she said giving me a big hug as I said goodbye the night before I headed home. She said this sternly but with all the love in the world and I felt it. On the one side I didn't want to go home, I knew there were things to be done and by the time I returned we were hoping that over half of the kids in the children's home would be with their forever families and I would miss meeting their families and saying goodbye and what if school started?! I was so tempted to change my flight so I could meet one of the parents that was flying in the day I left and we would miss each other by a couple hours. I struggled with this but I felt His hand on me telling me that I needed to go home now for a short time so that I could stay for a longer time. And so I boarded the plane with half my heart left in Haiti but knowing this was His plan and having my mind set to enjoy my time and to rest so I could come back.

Part of resting meant: healing and healing meant: medicine and medicine meant: a trip to the doctors office.  So, I went to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. I don't like hospitals or doctors offices, if I'm being completely honest, the thought of them makes me nauseous and having to spend any time in them just doesn't sit well with me. It's not like I've had horrible experiences or anything... it's kind of like peoples fear for the dentist. I've never been afraid of the dentist but doctors is another story. However, my mom and I walked in with the comfort of a warm starbucks in hand and took a seat. It was not a good C-virus day and me not wanting to be there didn't help with anything either. When our doctor came in and began talking, her words were "... she looks like she went through some rough stuff, the light thats normally in her eyes isn't, it isn't there and that worries me." it took me back hearing this; was it really that noticeable or that bad?! Yes, I felt bad but it wasn't... that bad surely!

I told her that I was only staying a month and she began talking to me about how she felt it would be wise to take another month off, how the poor will always be with us, that going back at 50% I will decrease faster than if I waited to go back till I was 100%, she continued talking about how Jesus rested and it took everything not to start bawling as she spoke these words to me. I knew she was speaking truth but I didn't want to believe it. Yes, I wasn't as 100% but it wasn't that bad and I would be ready to go in a month.

But when the test results came back and my thyroid levels were not where they should be my dr put me on medicine that would last 4 weeks and I would need to be checked once the medicine was gone to make sure the dosage was right; my flight was scheduled to leave in two weeks.

I choked up as I spoke in front of my church; when my Pastor asked me to tell them why I wanted to go back and how Haiti had captured my heart.

I started to cry as I put together a powerpoint to show at a fundraiser dinner I had and I put off writing a speech till a couple days before. My heart ached as all the sweet little faces popped up one right after the other, their little voices calling my head and I wanted nothing more than to be there with them. I wrote a speech, knowing that I would just cry if I didn't have a something set (though I didn't follow it to the letter) and it would be a good distraction.

I was not happy. I was angry.

Not angry at God, my doctor, family, friends or even complete strangers; though I think they all might have felt that I was and an angry outburst or two probably didn't help with their feelings but I was angry with myself. All the stress,  culture shock, worries and aches bubbled over and were misdirected.

And so I basically ran, ran away from it all to find myself sobbing to a dear friend on a mission campus in Oklahoma City and that's where He found me and I found.... me.

There are 2 things I've done for as long as I can remember:
     #1. Pushed myself through things. Thinking "it's not that bad" and "I can do this!" or the fact that "there are other people worse off than I am and doing way more things than I am"
     #2. Beat myself up when I mess something up no matter how little it is.

One of my best friends taught me a long time ago that there are always 2 perspectives: yours and the other persons and that I should to try and look through both perspectives and then apply to God's word before doing anything rash. Well tried to teach me would be a better description as I usually ended up just kicking myself about it.

I've believed a lot of lies about myself growing up. Not necessarily lies that people fed or told me but ones that I gathered or took the wrong way. And these weighed on me; I thought and saw the best in people but the worst in myself.

But, God has helped me begin to untangle this web, piece by piece through: His word and countless people showing and telling me that taking care of myself is not selfish and is critical when you're working in and for God's Kingdom (which should be wherever you are in life)

I never saw myself as enough or believed that I was enough. I knew what God said, I knew that without Him we aren't enough, I knew I had Him, I knew other people were enough but for some reason I was excluded in my head. I encouraged and built other people up but tore myself down. Have you ever been told to "drink your own medicine" or to "listen to your own advice" or something along those lines? Well; I needed to be told that and God gave me four incredible friends in Haiti, the wonderful mom of my Haiti family and the house mama of the childrens home to tell and show me that I was a precious in God's eyes. Each in their own way sat me down and spoke truth into me and I cannot thank them all enough but I do say a very heartfelt thank you to: My Haiti mamas, good cop, bad cop, captain awesome and my canadian "mother" for everything they have said and done for me.

I'm still a work in progress. I'm still needing healing and rest (and I still feel like a lazy lump) but little by little I'm understanding more and being changed a little more to the beautiful masterpiece that He created me to be.

There was a song that I took to Haiti and I forgot about during the summer. Music has always played a big role in my life through dance, playing instruments and singing. And this song I feel God speaking to me and it is written by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Andrew Peterson. The chorus is:

You don't have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy

God says this about each and every single one of us. I write this with not only myself in mind but several missionary families and people that I know are breaking their backs and feeling beaten and lost. It's ok to rest in His arms for as long as it takes. 

He loves you.
He delights in you.
He sings over you! 

Yes! Isn't that such a comforting thought?! In the end it's you and Him not everyone you've ever met judging you, but you're loving Savior. If you need to rest then rest and rest easy however hard it may be or seem God wants you to rest and be at the fullest of your abilities. So together lets rest easy in Him though we see the work ahead and yearn to do it; rest because He knows your heart and has seen your work and is not judging or angry with you. This is not a punishment; but a gift.

Home On the Range

What?! You're not in Haiti?! Suprise! Don't worry; I am going back, but here's a little glimpse into the past month stateside.

I left my the "island in the sun" the beginning of September to spend a couple days with my best friend and her husband in Florida. I was not able to attend their wedding in July as english camp was in full swing, but it was wonderful to spend a couple days with them and hear about it and spend time with them. I'm very thankful for them and all the hospitality and love they showed me by: driving 2 hours away to pick me up, giving me their comfy mattress to sleep on, 2 warm blankets (as I was freezing!) delicious food, a day at the beach, laughs and rest. They wouldn't let me do anything and this bothered me because I do like helping and cleaning; especially if I am a guest, but my best friend is also my "twin" and she can be just as stubborn as I can be and so I rested and slept and had a lovely time.

After that I flew to my home on the range; the same night as my brothers surprise birthday party! My dad picked me up from the airport, I ducked down in the car as we pulled into the garage, quickly changed into a party dress and made my way through the back of the house and into the kitchen. My mom had it all worked out and had me sit on a little scooter while she and dad (who were the only ones who knew about my homecoming) placed a huge cardboard box over the top and pushed me into the dining room. Jonathan began tearing off the wrapping paper and as light began to pour into the box I popped out and wrapped my arms around his neck shouting "Happy Birthday!" and kind of falling into him because the scooter slid, but no matter. I found out later he thought he was getting a puppy thus his stunned and interesting facial expression ;)

My brother and I are a little over a year apart. Growing up we weren't always the best of friends as he was the first boy and I was the fifth girl. But, we had some pretty fun times growing up, being the best of friends at times and the biggest enemies at other times, but he is my brother and I love him to pieces no matter what! I was really set back when I realized I wouldn't be there to take his senior pictures or be at his graduation; but that's part of being on the mission field and I was ecstatic that I got to be there for his birthday.

I planned to stay in the States till the beginning of October when preschool would start in Haiti. During this month I'd been giving very strict and loving instructions from my mamas in Haiti to rest and have fun. First part of resting was figuring out how to treat the C-Virus, we talked to our dear friend Dr. Joel Robbins, a natural health specialist in Tulsa who is truly an amazing person,  he has changed countless lives and I could go on and on, but do go to his website and take a look around. He put me on some supplements to start building... well, me back up.

Next was a visit to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. This is a long story, and I will be writing another blog post on this visit, but the short of it is that my doctor was worried about a month in the States not being enough. She knew how much I wanted to get back and so we did the blood work and waited the results. They came back and my thyroid was not looking good. My doctor put me on medicine and said that she would have to see me in 4 weeks to check the dosage.... goodbye going to my Haiti home the first week of October.

I was crushed by this and when I found out that the government had decided to start school in September after all and I was missing the beginning of school I was not a happy camper... not one bit. But through different things, which I will write about in another post, God gave me peace about staying another month and so I changed my flight to the 28th of October.

During my time here I've been blessed to spend time with family (everyones so grown up) see friends, tell my stories about Haiti, photograph some families and seniors, rest, laugh and meet some new friends. I thank you all for your support it's been really amazing to see the people that have come through for me and supported me though they are going through some hard times.

God has blessed me SO much and I can't say thank you enough! I will be here till the 28th for those of you that I've not been able to connect with yet, message or call me and we'll try to work something out.

May God richly bless you all!

Beauty

"Haiti really is beautiful"

This thought crossed my mind as I sat on the balcony of the children's home in village Theodat, I watched the warm breeze play with the long palm branches and make my mouth water as it brought the delicious aroma of freshly baked bread from the bakery.

Yes, there are some not so pretty and even revolting things that can be found and seen in the streets or behind closed doors but, if you turn your focus upward; instead of seeing piles of garbage along the streets and dirty, grimy water flowing in the rivers and down the gutters of some streets; you'll see the beautiful and colorful vines of the bougainvillea flower, blossoming away, their vines reaching out as if to lift your chin up. Showing you beautiful people laughing, bargaining and chatting away, little girls their hair decked out in ribbons and clips all to happy to wave hello and smile back at you. Little boys who've set up goals and play soccer wherever they can, delicious fruit that will tickle your taste buds and a Caribbean blue ocean that surrounds this beautiful island, sending curling white waves into the shore to wash away what it can.

Beauty is everywhere if we would only look for it. The master of lies likes to slip into out heads and fill out minds; disgust rolls in as a sticky smell rises from the garbage sweating in the sun, dark clouds of anger roll in as questions race and smash into the walls of your brain. But, then the clouds burst as the rain slips down your cheeks when you see a tiny child digging through it to find...something; whether it's something to: eat, wear or sell you don't know but you're anger is replaced with a prayer on your lips and passion burning in your heart. Dwelling on rotten and disgusting things is not healthy. I do mean that in a literal and none literal sense.

Dwelling on a mistake, reopening old wounds, holding grudges, seeing the rust and mold, pushing people down destroys not only you but the people around you. I'm not a perfect person but God has taught me so much since I rededicated my life to Him my sophomore year. Two years ago I would have seen the garbage on the streets and whined to myself "People are so lazy, why don't they just throw it where it belongs?! Is it really that hard?!" I would have watched that car speed by me or cut me off and yell "What the heck buddy?! Gah, some people! Really?!" or seen someone on the street and immediately "know" everything about them from their appearance and manners and judge them.

I'm not proud of this fact.

I honestly don't want to share this; but God's been pressing on my heart about this and though I find myself erasing things God writes them write back down, so here this is. Unedited.

God showed me my ugliness, that as I thought these horrible and rotten things I was becoming as rotten as my thoughts. A wonderful women in my life was praying for me and she encouraged me to be praying all the time and looking for God in everything.

And so the next time that car sped by me I began to think about the person driving in the car as an actual person and I heard this voice telling me "You don't know them, you don't know their story or where they're headed." and all these thoughts of where that person could be heading (hospital to see someone for the last time, late to the job they so desperately needed to keep their family going) and my heart began to ache for them and I found myself praying this prayer:

"Father God, I don't know that person or where they're headed but God I pray you would bless them, that they would get to wherever they are going safe and God if they don't know You I pray that you would draw them close to You and they would come to a saving knowledge of You and be a huge asset to You're kingdom and Father if they do know you help them to shine You're light in everything they do. In You're name amen"

And almost instantly my anger or frustration evaporated and a peace and love washed over me. This became my daily routine as I drove to work and this happened frequently, I actually looked forward to it! And then God started convicting me of judging people and pushed me to talk to them and find out their story and why they were the way they were and to pray for them as well and wow.... I wish I could travel the whole world and meet every single person and write their stories down and capture a picture of them, a beautiful none posed real picture of them and put it in a book so everyone could knew and see how beautiful our stories are. God has such an imagination and is just incredible... it blows my mind!

All this to say, focus on the good. When words of anger or frustration try to make their way out exchange them for His words. Instead of looking/noticing the bad watch for the good. I still fall into bad habits and God lovingly steers me back. I want to just share His work in myself and the lessons He has taught me. Though I'm still learning. I want everyone to see the beauty He has created in the world and in each of us and it's hard to do that when the stench of garbage waters your eyes and blurs your vision or when you're gaze has been cast down too many times to even try and look up.

Haiti is sometimes called "the crotch of the world" but I prefer to think of it as "God's clay island" because I know He is shaping it, into something beautiful and it will be put through the kiln again and again until it's colors burn bright and His love and handiwork are perfect. This is the Haiti I know; this is the world I know! Constantly being molded and fired over and over. God's kingdom is here, right now, in absolutely everything we do! 

Don't give up hope; the trash may be waste deep but the flowers touch the sky so keep your eyes on the beauty He created for you and continue learning, working and praying as change happens one prayer, one act and one person at a time.

Strength Will Rise

Every evening, after English Camp we gather around the pool (unless it's raining in which we move inside) for a time of worship and devotions, some nights this ends up being rather late and a lot of us find ourselves longing for a cool shower to wash the dirt and sweat of the day off. But this is also one of my favorite times of the day because whether it's the words in the music or someones devotions God always manages to touch my heart in one way or another.

One evening we gathered around the pool after a particularly long week, we'd had a couple scares and a few injuries and I found myself just hurting and wanting to be with the kids, caring and loving on them all the time. I knew that these kids being Haitian were much safer than I would be out on the streets etc but still I found myself longing to go with them as they all headed home in their little groups; wanting to make sure those with little injuries were carried for properly so they would not get an infection and just loving on them and being an example for them. I sat there trying to push it away from my mind as the boys brought out the guitars. God however had heard my silent cry, He had felt the longing in my heart and as the first chords were played God lifted up my head and I began to sing: 

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord

Patience is not my strongest point, but waiting on God I find to be a little easier; call me crazy but I find His timing is always perfect and if I just sit tight and rejoice in Him, He is always worth the wait!

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God

He is the everlasting God; He's not going anywhere and He will never let me go

You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on the wings
Like eagles

As I begun to sing this last part tears filled my eyes as God reminded me once again of who He is; I grow weary and tired on a daily basis but He never does. Though I cannot go home with every needy and hurting child in the world God can and moreover; He does! He cares for us so deeply and I've been so privileged to see Him through my fellow interns, volunteers, translators, Jr. counselors and my directors. All the little things we do: greeting children as they come through the gats, smiles, hugs, meals, an encouraging word, placing a bandage and so much more it all matters and it touches not only us but those around us in ways that we may never know.

Leaning into God and receiving: strength, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control from Him on a daily basis is one of His many blessings that He pours on us, sometimes I overlook His blessings in a day; but I know each day holds at least a 100 in that: it's a new day, I'm breathing, I'm walking, I'm talking, I can hear, I can see, He has forgiven all our sins, He is mine and I am His, He loves me and on and on the list goes!

English Camp is a lot of work; but it's life changing and I would encourage all of you to volunteer for a week or more next year and if coming here is not a possibility right now sending supplies and other people here to love and work with these kids. There are 2 kinds of Christians: the givers and the goers (we should all be prayers) which one are you?

My Butterfly

Once upon a time there was a Haitian butterfly that came to preschool at Maranatha. She was sweet and shy and from day one I fell in love with her as we sat and sang songs from assembly that were stuck in my head.

She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and a smile slowly creeping from lips. "mwen pa vle, mwen pa vle" (I don't want) her little hands trying to hold mine down "Oh, ok I won't.... TICKLE YOU!" her laugh went flying into the hot air as she squirmed on my lap with the biggest smile! I couldn't continue tickling her as her laugh was contagious and I held her close as we laughed long and hard. When she caught her breath she looked up at me and whispered "Mwen pa vle" her eyes sparkling with laughter and the game continued.

When we couldn't laugh anymore and everyone had finished eating and recess was under way she caught my long bangs in her hand and began to make a twist; being ever so gentle. When she was done she showed off her handiwork; a look of pride on her face, I thanked her and pulled her into a big hug telling her thank you and telling her what a good job she'd done she stayed on my lap the whole period and it was hard to send her into class but giving her an encouraging smile I let her go.

After that she'd walk through the gate and I'd shout her name and call out good morning to her, that shy smile would poke through as she'd nod and place her back pack on the bench before coming to give me a huge hug! My Kreyol was limited to a couple words, but it was ok because she just wanted to be held and loved on and so I did my best.

As the weeks flew by and she'd made friends with the other girls in her class and became more outgoing and that Haitian Sassafras, as I like to call it, had really begun to show in her. Several weeks ago though she came to me as I sat with my back to the big kids table playing a game with some of the little 2 year olds that were seated outside, quietly little arms wrapped around my neck and she rested her delicate chin on them and my shoulder, I knew instantly that it was my butterfly "Mwen renmen ou" (I love you) I said patting her arm and rest my head against hers, she didn't speak. I tried to twist around to look at her but she held me close, I tickled her and she squirmed enough to loosen her arms so that I could swing her around to my lap "Ou byen?" (are you well?) she nodded but I could tell in her eyes that things were not right. I held her close and sang to her and she picked up on the words and tried to sing with me. I didn't know why but my heart was aching for this little girl.

At the meeting with the teachers I found out that my little butterfly had a hard homelife, some things had happened that should never happen to little children and it brought us all to halt. I couldn't wrap my mind around it, "Theres gotta be a mistake, who would do that to this sweet sweet adorable girl?" but my heart new it was true and when she didn't come to school for a little over a week I was sick with worry and fear for her. We continued lifting her up in prayer and when my butterfly walked in a little late one morning a cried with joy!

I wish I could say "and she continues to grow and smile and dance in the sunshine here at Maranatha and I hold her close and kiss her every day" But sadly this is not the end to this story. Two weeks ago something horrible happened and my butterfly is missing. I don't know where she is or what is happening to her and once again it's hard to process... but my name is Hope and I hope for the absolute best, I know that no matter what God is holding her and looking out for her and though it's painful and hard to understand I've given my worries to Him.

Please join me in prayer for these particular things that God has really laid on my heart:
 She will be returned to her mother
That God would touch her fathers heart and make a radical God glorifying change
She and her brother would be safe
That if there is someone who can help God would give them the courage to act
And that she would feel God's love and peace in her life

This story is far from finished help me pray and lift this beautiful butterfly and her family upto our loving Father who sees and knows all

He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20