More Heart and Less Attack

It's hard to live in two worlds.

It's hard to go "home" when there's another "home" out there that's pulling your heart and thoughts.

These two things hit me really hard over my Christmas break at home. And it's hard to share and to put into words when you don't know where to begin or even what exactly you're feeling.

This year was definitely a year of firsts, (I will go more into detail on my one year anniversary) for the most part they were good firsts. God placed incredible people in my lives, that includes the Tlucek family, my fellow intern at preschool and 7 girls, 4 of which I've become the best of friends with and I count them as I true gift from God. I made tons of memories that I know will stay with me forever! Most, if not all of you have seen pictures on my photography page of this past year and I must say that 98% have been highlights. The heartache is something I could not capture, the tears, the worries, the hurt and overall "imperfection" I could not always share as some of it was not mine to share.

This year God has tested me and shown me things about myself and Himself that I had never heard of or known. I am a perfectionist, I am VERY sensitive to things that people say or do (whether big or small or whether they meant things a certain way or not) I work really hard, I care deeply about what people think of me, I worry about countless things a day, I carry things on my thin shoulders that should never be carried, I don't take care of myself and I beat myself up when I drop below my standards. All of these things do not make me a horrible person, an unloved or unlovable person, God does not think of me with contempt or push me away from Himself when I mess something up. Though these are things that I have thought, worried about, cried over, begged for forgiveness for and things I've tried to cover up.

To get anywhere or to do anything in life is a process. It's work. And I've always been low on patience, always wanting things to work out just like that *snap, to get places and things quickly... but, patience is a virtue, it's a bittersweet virtue. Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." be patient and wait. Stop and lean on Him. Be still...but when we're are running around crazy, worrying about our never ending to do list, looking down at our screens we are missing out on something. We forget to be still and to just know and marvel in the fact that He. is. God.

As I sat waiting for my flight my eyes filled with tears and trying to not just break down, I heard the acoustic version of this song by: needtobreathe (click on the link to listen) and this is my prayer, my resolution for 2015:

                                                 "More Heart, Less Attack"
                                                                     Needtobreathe

Be the light in the crack
Be the one that’s been there on a camel’s back
Slow to anger quick to laugh
Be more heart and less attack

Be the wheels not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack

The more you take the less you have
Cuz it’s you in the mirror staring back
Quick to let go slow to react
Be more heart and less attack

Ever growing steadfast
And if need be the one that’s in the gap
Be the never turning back
Twice the heart any man could have

Be the wheels not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack
Be more heart and less attack
Be more heart and less attack

I stuck my hat out I caught the rain drops
I drank the water I felt my veins block
I’m nearly sanctified I’m nearly broken
I’m down the river I’m near the open

I stuck my hat out I caught the rain drops
I drank the water I felt my veins block
I’m near the sanctified I’m near broken
I’m down the river I’m near the open

I’m down the river to where I’m going

Praying God stretches you, that you know that He is God in 2015

Thankful Week 4

The end of the week is wrapping up! There is good and blessings in every day and certainly every week. We did have a lot of news that was hard, some tears escaped and it made for a long week.

I am thankful that Jesus walks beside us, holds everything in His hands and that I am a work in progress.

I struggle with different things about myself. A lot of things actually... self worth being one of the biggest ones and I'm very sensitive. I shared my testimony this summer and bawled the whole way through it. I know that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and in the hard and weak points of my life these things become twisted as I dwell on them and become like chains that I wind and trap myself in; and all the while God is speaking to me and holding His hands out; just waiting for me hand them over. But it's hard, and though I want to hand them over it's a daily choice because somehow, if I don't continually hand things over to Him, I find myself wrapped back up in my chains of "worthlessness" once again. 

But you know something? God is pleased with me. I am His daughter and though I push myself and feel horrible when things don't turn out perfectly; He is pleased with me. With us, all of us! Because He knows our thoughts and our hearts. Things don't have to be perfect for God to love us or "notice" us; He loved us when we didn't even know Him, He loved us in all our mess. He LOVES us.

Wow. Just let that sink in.

We are His children and He is the perfect fathe, continually helping His children to learn and to grow from the dried and broken ground into a beautiful creation reaching for the Son.

There is a song by Brandon Heath called Wait and See and some of the lyrics are: 

the farther out I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm not here for nothin'

He's up to somethin'

...

There is hope for me yet

Because God won't forget

All the plans He's made for me

I have to wait and see

He's not finished with me yet

Shall We Dance?

Started dance this past week! Took the first week off to: adjust back into my Haiti home, learn the new schedule of the preschool, as well as all 38 names of the children that are new to Maranatha's preschool program. Which was a blessing as adjusting back was not as easy as I thought it would be.

Last school year was my first year teaching in Haiti and we learned a lot about the do's and don'ts of teaching dance in Haiti. This year I have new space! My director had the brilliant idea to move dance class inside the carport, no more standing water, the temptation of the swing set or danger of falling coconuts, etc. I now have three walls in my classroom and it's helped immensely as far as keeping the class together and organized! It's only been the first week and I can already tell the difference from last year.

Also, my director changed the schedule of the classes and stations so that we split all of the classes into three groups, on Mondays the A groups have dance class, Wednesday the B groups and on Fridays the C groups. In each group there are 10-11 kids which is very different from simply splitting the classes in half and changing stations at the halfway point. Though this does mean that I no longer have a helper or a translator, yikes! I did pray that I would be learning more creole though before I returned. Don't you love God's sense of humor?!

Monday, the first day of dance class, was hectic. Kids were running around, not listening or obeying, some refusing to do anything and then 2's schedule got all mixed up and I had two classes instead of one; needless to say it was discouraging. But first days are supposed to be tough, they make the progress of the year more exciting and worth it... right? Yes, however this was not my attitude when I woke up Wednesday. I felt like Satan just hung a dark cloud over me as I sat on the floor of my bedroom having not slept well the night before, thoughts of whether what I was doing was worth it or even right hounding me and the C-virus not being kind. As I sat there thought the school next door began to play "You are Holy" and other songs like it and I knew I needed to stand up and go to class. I didn't feel like I had the strength and I wanted to crawl back in bed but I did my devotions and ate my breakfast and headed to class.

My first class was 10 of the oldest children in our preschool. They all attended Maranatha last year; and performed a dance on graduation day. They did fantastic! All of them listened, were excited to show me what they remembered, some of them had practiced during the summer and one of the boys, who had had difficulty with jumps in first position, jumped perfectly the very first time!!!!!! For those of you that know me or have taught alongside me you can imagine my happy dance and the cheering that happened. The 2's listened, participated and there was a lot of laughing and giggling as they tried to get their feet into 1st position. Did they all obey? No, but they're 2 and for the most part they all participated.

My final class for the day came. This group were a lot of work last year and I was a little worried but they ended up being the best class of the day! They were excited to dance, to repeat what I was saying, proud that they remembered first position and were just eager to learn. What a turn around!!!

I love teaching dance as well as dancing and am so honored to have the opportunity to use my God given passion and gifts here in Haiti. I don't know what God has planned but I am content and look forward to the future.

Peace

Peace.

Such an interesting word. The world recognizes the famous "peace" symbol or hand sign, people pray for world peace and talk about it; but sadly most do not truly understand what peace truly is. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and His concept of peace is larger than "no fighting", it's from the Hebrew root slm, which means "to be complete" or "to be sound."

We as humans are not innately good or natural peacemakers. 

Think about, babies do not take care of themselves. Sleep is disturbed by cries from the crib, frustration arises when potty training comes around, our parents do not teach us to grab or steal toys from other children or to lie. It just sort of comes naturally. There is an emptiness inside of us, we long to be made whole and we try so hard doing SO many different things, thinking "maybe this will fill me" though we just continue to fall on our faces time and time again. Having a relationship with Jesus is what makes all the difference, there is that peace of knowing that no matter how many times you try and fail you are His and He is yours; nothing can separate you and in Him you are made complete.

It's hard to comprehend I know, but that doesn't make it any less true.

His peace and love are something that I have really been digging deeper into and figuring out the past few years. Growing up I saw God as a taskmaster and if I did one thing wrong I was going to hell. But God is love and He is peace and I have never felt such love and peace as I have while living and growing in Haiti.

4 days ago I was told that starting in January my churches financial monthly support was going to decrease, while they still supported me and my work in Haiti 100% monthly support would be less. This in fact, though scary to wake up to, was an answer to a prayer someone prayed over me the beginning of October. This may seem horrible but let me explain:

Being a missionary is not easy, here are a few reasons why (I'm using overseas as an e.g):

You will be taken out of your comfort zone; sometimes multiple times a day

Learning a new language is important to communicate with the people you live and work with

You'll move away from friends and loved ones (thank you skype but hugs are not the same)

Your job doesn't pay in money and you need to eat

Goodbye comfort foods

Asking people to support you

The devil will be working extra hard against you and your efforts

Being a missionary does not make you anymore perfect than anyone else. You are not immediately transformed, when you move overseas, into a person with endless: love, patience, joy etc. I wish it did! But no, you're still the same person you were boarding the plane as you are getting off. You still have those quirks and habits you want to kick, you may even be terrified out of your mind... but following Him where he leads and having the support of friends, family and even strangers back home is what keeps you going on those really horrible days when nothing is working and you just want to quit.

Supporting someone means that you come along side them, that they can stand and know that they will not sink or fall. It means praying for them, encouraging them in countless ways, easing their financial burden, it's giving them peace, making them feel complete, ready to do the work that God has given them to do. I only had eight monthly supporters in January and my church was a huge monthly supporter. But, it's crucial for any missionary to have a group, even a crowd of supporters. And my wonderful friend saw this and prayed that more people would come along side me and I would see just how supported and loved I was.

My church has seen this caterpillar through it's first year but it's time that this caterpillar turns into a butterfly and they make room for more supporters in order for this transformation to happen, while they continue supporting me, but not as big financially. I'm blessed. Truly I am and I have this sense of peace as my last week stateside starts tomorrow. God has this all in His hands I am now 1/2 way to being fully supported and with one time donations I'm headed back!!!

I still need monthly supporters but I know God will provide and so if you feel led to make 12 donations in the next 12 months, size does not matter. Promise.

You can go to mcmhaiti.org and donate with: support for HOPE RUEBKE in the memo. If my name is not on it it goes to the organization not to me.

OR

Send a check or have monthly withdrawals sent to:

MCM c/o Nichols Accounting

5680 E. Franklin, St. 110

Nampa, ID 83687

Thank you again for everything you guys do, no act of love or kindness is too small. May God richly bless every single one of you!

Rest Easy

"You better rest while you're there" she said giving me a big hug as I said goodbye the night before I headed home. She said this sternly but with all the love in the world and I felt it. On the one side I didn't want to go home, I knew there were things to be done and by the time I returned we were hoping that over half of the kids in the children's home would be with their forever families and I would miss meeting their families and saying goodbye and what if school started?! I was so tempted to change my flight so I could meet one of the parents that was flying in the day I left and we would miss each other by a couple hours. I struggled with this but I felt His hand on me telling me that I needed to go home now for a short time so that I could stay for a longer time. And so I boarded the plane with half my heart left in Haiti but knowing this was His plan and having my mind set to enjoy my time and to rest so I could come back.

Part of resting meant: healing and healing meant: medicine and medicine meant: a trip to the doctors office.  So, I went to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. I don't like hospitals or doctors offices, if I'm being completely honest, the thought of them makes me nauseous and having to spend any time in them just doesn't sit well with me. It's not like I've had horrible experiences or anything... it's kind of like peoples fear for the dentist. I've never been afraid of the dentist but doctors is another story. However, my mom and I walked in with the comfort of a warm starbucks in hand and took a seat. It was not a good C-virus day and me not wanting to be there didn't help with anything either. When our doctor came in and began talking, her words were "... she looks like she went through some rough stuff, the light thats normally in her eyes isn't, it isn't there and that worries me." it took me back hearing this; was it really that noticeable or that bad?! Yes, I felt bad but it wasn't... that bad surely!

I told her that I was only staying a month and she began talking to me about how she felt it would be wise to take another month off, how the poor will always be with us, that going back at 50% I will decrease faster than if I waited to go back till I was 100%, she continued talking about how Jesus rested and it took everything not to start bawling as she spoke these words to me. I knew she was speaking truth but I didn't want to believe it. Yes, I wasn't as 100% but it wasn't that bad and I would be ready to go in a month.

But when the test results came back and my thyroid levels were not where they should be my dr put me on medicine that would last 4 weeks and I would need to be checked once the medicine was gone to make sure the dosage was right; my flight was scheduled to leave in two weeks.

I choked up as I spoke in front of my church; when my Pastor asked me to tell them why I wanted to go back and how Haiti had captured my heart.

I started to cry as I put together a powerpoint to show at a fundraiser dinner I had and I put off writing a speech till a couple days before. My heart ached as all the sweet little faces popped up one right after the other, their little voices calling my head and I wanted nothing more than to be there with them. I wrote a speech, knowing that I would just cry if I didn't have a something set (though I didn't follow it to the letter) and it would be a good distraction.

I was not happy. I was angry.

Not angry at God, my doctor, family, friends or even complete strangers; though I think they all might have felt that I was and an angry outburst or two probably didn't help with their feelings but I was angry with myself. All the stress,  culture shock, worries and aches bubbled over and were misdirected.

And so I basically ran, ran away from it all to find myself sobbing to a dear friend on a mission campus in Oklahoma City and that's where He found me and I found.... me.

There are 2 things I've done for as long as I can remember:
     #1. Pushed myself through things. Thinking "it's not that bad" and "I can do this!" or the fact that "there are other people worse off than I am and doing way more things than I am"
     #2. Beat myself up when I mess something up no matter how little it is.

One of my best friends taught me a long time ago that there are always 2 perspectives: yours and the other persons and that I should to try and look through both perspectives and then apply to God's word before doing anything rash. Well tried to teach me would be a better description as I usually ended up just kicking myself about it.

I've believed a lot of lies about myself growing up. Not necessarily lies that people fed or told me but ones that I gathered or took the wrong way. And these weighed on me; I thought and saw the best in people but the worst in myself.

But, God has helped me begin to untangle this web, piece by piece through: His word and countless people showing and telling me that taking care of myself is not selfish and is critical when you're working in and for God's Kingdom (which should be wherever you are in life)

I never saw myself as enough or believed that I was enough. I knew what God said, I knew that without Him we aren't enough, I knew I had Him, I knew other people were enough but for some reason I was excluded in my head. I encouraged and built other people up but tore myself down. Have you ever been told to "drink your own medicine" or to "listen to your own advice" or something along those lines? Well; I needed to be told that and God gave me four incredible friends in Haiti, the wonderful mom of my Haiti family and the house mama of the childrens home to tell and show me that I was a precious in God's eyes. Each in their own way sat me down and spoke truth into me and I cannot thank them all enough but I do say a very heartfelt thank you to: My Haiti mamas, good cop, bad cop, captain awesome and my canadian "mother" for everything they have said and done for me.

I'm still a work in progress. I'm still needing healing and rest (and I still feel like a lazy lump) but little by little I'm understanding more and being changed a little more to the beautiful masterpiece that He created me to be.

There was a song that I took to Haiti and I forgot about during the summer. Music has always played a big role in my life through dance, playing instruments and singing. And this song I feel God speaking to me and it is written by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Andrew Peterson. The chorus is:

You don't have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy

God says this about each and every single one of us. I write this with not only myself in mind but several missionary families and people that I know are breaking their backs and feeling beaten and lost. It's ok to rest in His arms for as long as it takes. 

He loves you.
He delights in you.
He sings over you! 

Yes! Isn't that such a comforting thought?! In the end it's you and Him not everyone you've ever met judging you, but you're loving Savior. If you need to rest then rest and rest easy however hard it may be or seem God wants you to rest and be at the fullest of your abilities. So together lets rest easy in Him though we see the work ahead and yearn to do it; rest because He knows your heart and has seen your work and is not judging or angry with you. This is not a punishment; but a gift.

Home On the Range

What?! You're not in Haiti?! Suprise! Don't worry; I am going back, but here's a little glimpse into the past month stateside.

I left my the "island in the sun" the beginning of September to spend a couple days with my best friend and her husband in Florida. I was not able to attend their wedding in July as english camp was in full swing, but it was wonderful to spend a couple days with them and hear about it and spend time with them. I'm very thankful for them and all the hospitality and love they showed me by: driving 2 hours away to pick me up, giving me their comfy mattress to sleep on, 2 warm blankets (as I was freezing!) delicious food, a day at the beach, laughs and rest. They wouldn't let me do anything and this bothered me because I do like helping and cleaning; especially if I am a guest, but my best friend is also my "twin" and she can be just as stubborn as I can be and so I rested and slept and had a lovely time.

After that I flew to my home on the range; the same night as my brothers surprise birthday party! My dad picked me up from the airport, I ducked down in the car as we pulled into the garage, quickly changed into a party dress and made my way through the back of the house and into the kitchen. My mom had it all worked out and had me sit on a little scooter while she and dad (who were the only ones who knew about my homecoming) placed a huge cardboard box over the top and pushed me into the dining room. Jonathan began tearing off the wrapping paper and as light began to pour into the box I popped out and wrapped my arms around his neck shouting "Happy Birthday!" and kind of falling into him because the scooter slid, but no matter. I found out later he thought he was getting a puppy thus his stunned and interesting facial expression ;)

My brother and I are a little over a year apart. Growing up we weren't always the best of friends as he was the first boy and I was the fifth girl. But, we had some pretty fun times growing up, being the best of friends at times and the biggest enemies at other times, but he is my brother and I love him to pieces no matter what! I was really set back when I realized I wouldn't be there to take his senior pictures or be at his graduation; but that's part of being on the mission field and I was ecstatic that I got to be there for his birthday.

I planned to stay in the States till the beginning of October when preschool would start in Haiti. During this month I'd been giving very strict and loving instructions from my mamas in Haiti to rest and have fun. First part of resting was figuring out how to treat the C-Virus, we talked to our dear friend Dr. Joel Robbins, a natural health specialist in Tulsa who is truly an amazing person,  he has changed countless lives and I could go on and on, but do go to his website and take a look around. He put me on some supplements to start building... well, me back up.

Next was a visit to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. This is a long story, and I will be writing another blog post on this visit, but the short of it is that my doctor was worried about a month in the States not being enough. She knew how much I wanted to get back and so we did the blood work and waited the results. They came back and my thyroid was not looking good. My doctor put me on medicine and said that she would have to see me in 4 weeks to check the dosage.... goodbye going to my Haiti home the first week of October.

I was crushed by this and when I found out that the government had decided to start school in September after all and I was missing the beginning of school I was not a happy camper... not one bit. But through different things, which I will write about in another post, God gave me peace about staying another month and so I changed my flight to the 28th of October.

During my time here I've been blessed to spend time with family (everyones so grown up) see friends, tell my stories about Haiti, photograph some families and seniors, rest, laugh and meet some new friends. I thank you all for your support it's been really amazing to see the people that have come through for me and supported me though they are going through some hard times.

God has blessed me SO much and I can't say thank you enough! I will be here till the 28th for those of you that I've not been able to connect with yet, message or call me and we'll try to work something out.

May God richly bless you all!

Beauty

"Haiti really is beautiful"

This thought crossed my mind as I sat on the balcony of the children's home in village Theodat, I watched the warm breeze play with the long palm branches and make my mouth water as it brought the delicious aroma of freshly baked bread from the bakery.

Yes, there are some not so pretty and even revolting things that can be found and seen in the streets or behind closed doors but, if you turn your focus upward; instead of seeing piles of garbage along the streets and dirty, grimy water flowing in the rivers and down the gutters of some streets; you'll see the beautiful and colorful vines of the bougainvillea flower, blossoming away, their vines reaching out as if to lift your chin up. Showing you beautiful people laughing, bargaining and chatting away, little girls their hair decked out in ribbons and clips all to happy to wave hello and smile back at you. Little boys who've set up goals and play soccer wherever they can, delicious fruit that will tickle your taste buds and a Caribbean blue ocean that surrounds this beautiful island, sending curling white waves into the shore to wash away what it can.

Beauty is everywhere if we would only look for it. The master of lies likes to slip into out heads and fill out minds; disgust rolls in as a sticky smell rises from the garbage sweating in the sun, dark clouds of anger roll in as questions race and smash into the walls of your brain. But, then the clouds burst as the rain slips down your cheeks when you see a tiny child digging through it to find...something; whether it's something to: eat, wear or sell you don't know but you're anger is replaced with a prayer on your lips and passion burning in your heart. Dwelling on rotten and disgusting things is not healthy. I do mean that in a literal and none literal sense.

Dwelling on a mistake, reopening old wounds, holding grudges, seeing the rust and mold, pushing people down destroys not only you but the people around you. I'm not a perfect person but God has taught me so much since I rededicated my life to Him my sophomore year. Two years ago I would have seen the garbage on the streets and whined to myself "People are so lazy, why don't they just throw it where it belongs?! Is it really that hard?!" I would have watched that car speed by me or cut me off and yell "What the heck buddy?! Gah, some people! Really?!" or seen someone on the street and immediately "know" everything about them from their appearance and manners and judge them.

I'm not proud of this fact.

I honestly don't want to share this; but God's been pressing on my heart about this and though I find myself erasing things God writes them write back down, so here this is. Unedited.

God showed me my ugliness, that as I thought these horrible and rotten things I was becoming as rotten as my thoughts. A wonderful women in my life was praying for me and she encouraged me to be praying all the time and looking for God in everything.

And so the next time that car sped by me I began to think about the person driving in the car as an actual person and I heard this voice telling me "You don't know them, you don't know their story or where they're headed." and all these thoughts of where that person could be heading (hospital to see someone for the last time, late to the job they so desperately needed to keep their family going) and my heart began to ache for them and I found myself praying this prayer:

"Father God, I don't know that person or where they're headed but God I pray you would bless them, that they would get to wherever they are going safe and God if they don't know You I pray that you would draw them close to You and they would come to a saving knowledge of You and be a huge asset to You're kingdom and Father if they do know you help them to shine You're light in everything they do. In You're name amen"

And almost instantly my anger or frustration evaporated and a peace and love washed over me. This became my daily routine as I drove to work and this happened frequently, I actually looked forward to it! And then God started convicting me of judging people and pushed me to talk to them and find out their story and why they were the way they were and to pray for them as well and wow.... I wish I could travel the whole world and meet every single person and write their stories down and capture a picture of them, a beautiful none posed real picture of them and put it in a book so everyone could knew and see how beautiful our stories are. God has such an imagination and is just incredible... it blows my mind!

All this to say, focus on the good. When words of anger or frustration try to make their way out exchange them for His words. Instead of looking/noticing the bad watch for the good. I still fall into bad habits and God lovingly steers me back. I want to just share His work in myself and the lessons He has taught me. Though I'm still learning. I want everyone to see the beauty He has created in the world and in each of us and it's hard to do that when the stench of garbage waters your eyes and blurs your vision or when you're gaze has been cast down too many times to even try and look up.

Haiti is sometimes called "the crotch of the world" but I prefer to think of it as "God's clay island" because I know He is shaping it, into something beautiful and it will be put through the kiln again and again until it's colors burn bright and His love and handiwork are perfect. This is the Haiti I know; this is the world I know! Constantly being molded and fired over and over. God's kingdom is here, right now, in absolutely everything we do! 

Don't give up hope; the trash may be waste deep but the flowers touch the sky so keep your eyes on the beauty He created for you and continue learning, working and praying as change happens one prayer, one act and one person at a time.

Pour out Love

"OK, OK?" I shouted for the hundredth time in one class period, 42 little boys shouted "OK!" back but before my translator or I could get a word in there was shouting and talking from every corner of the carport where we were doing younger P.E. Their little voices all talking created a roar to match those that cheer throughout Port-au-Prince whenever Brazil scores. The sun was hot and I wiped my sweaty brow as I turned to God for help. Deep breath in, deep breath out. A cool breeze began to wrap itself around me and I knew He stood beside me.

My hands met in a loud clap as I repeated the same phrase we use to get the children's attention "OK, OK?" I yelled louder than I thought I could "OK!" they shouted back, I repeated this for a few minutes until I had all of their attention "SILENCE, SI. VOU. PLAIS!" (Silence please) and to my surprise it became almost quiet, but it was enough. I began explaining a game that we were going to play using brightly colored balls and teams. Pulling out the balls caught all of their attention. My translator explained that we would be picking 8 boys at a time and silence fell as they all did their utmost best to remain quiet while we pulled the first 8.

I'd been watching four boys that I did preschool with for the past 6 months and was so proud as I found them to be the nicest and most obedient. I pulled them and 4 other boys that hadn't been causing to much trouble to the front and be began playing Down, Down, Down where they pass the ball back and forth and if you drop it you have to drop to a knee, drop it again and it's two knees until you're playing with only one hand. The boys cheered for their teams and I watched as smiles broke out on their sweaty faces and laughter as people dropped the ball and had to drop lower then their partner.

Throughout the class period words like: love, encourage, engage, cheer just kept running through my head and so I did my best to just pour all these things out. Cheering and shouting, getting the boys to encourage their partners and throw the ball further. A couple little fights broke out that I had to reprove and there was one little boy in particular that just blatantly refused to obey and wasn't allowed to participate; which is never fun.

I won't lie; when their class was up a wave of relief hit me I called them to me, thanking them for listening and working hard together and asking them to be good in their next class. To my surprise I received several, high fives, hugs and thank yous from their little crowd as they filed out the gate. I always feel like a horrible person when I yell or punish someone, I'm a people pleaser and it never ceases to amaze me how these beautiful Haitian children react and give back in love. At the meeting with all the teachers, staff, interns and translators after camp we all lifted the group up to God asking for wisdom and obedience.

The next morning I felt God pushing me find the little boy that had caused so many problems the previous day. I found him in his faded blue shirt just finishing breakfast and sitting a little to close to the pool. I called his named and scooped him up in a hug, he clung to me so tightly it reminding me of when my youngest brother would hug me before and after I came home from work, like he'd never let me go. "Oh buddy" my heart was stolen away in that moment, along with my breath. And when I got it back I began to talk to him about how much Jesus and I love him and want him to obey and what a good boy I know he could be. He didn't say a word but nestled his shaved head deeper into my neck. "You're going to be a good boy today, right?" I finally asked, his deep little voice responded and I gave him a final squeeze before placing him back in his spot and kissing his sweaty brow.

I began to walk back to my place, giving high fives and shouting "Bonjour" to the rest of his group and telling them "No problems today" in a teasing way. I didn't know if that would make a difference but I felt a peace and a little bit of excitement about it as the morning assembly began and classes were dismissed.

I waited anxiously for orange group. And when they came through the gate in a perfect line repeating what their Jr. Counselor was calling out instead of talking among themselves I couldn't help but smile and tell them all good job. All of them turned to me with shining faces giving me high fives or jumping out of line really fast to give me a hug. They went above and beyond my expectations and the class period flew by a lot faster than I wanted it to.

Meeting that day was praise and excitement about orange group. Everyone had seen the need and poured love and we were not disappointed with the reaction.

Serving anywhere in the world as a Christian we are called to love. Sounds very simple and easy; but there is a lot of meaning in that word and honestly I don't think we will ever fully understand it's meaning while we are here on this earth. But here are some thoughts:

Love:
Goes above and beyond what people expect
Patiently waits
Cleans dirty hands
Is kind when others behave or speak badly
Dances when it can't walk
Does not envy what other people have or receive
Lifts people up
Smiles when its heart is breaking
Forgives and forgets
Cheers when its voice is almost gone
Makes room when there is none
Listens
Gives people opportunities to grow
Kisses sweaty brows
Disciplines justly
Puts others before oneself
Speaks truth
Ties shoes
Is humble
Walks several miles for a loved one
Prays when words and actions seem to fail
Steps back when needed

Pour out love and wait for God to work. You won't be disappointed