Haiti Christmas Trip #1

Little islands started to appear out of the Caribbean sea and I could feel my heart start to quicken it's beat; almost there, my heart sighed; it'd been too long. In fact it was exactly 2 weeks shy of being a full year since I last stepped foot in Haiti.

The warm, thick, dusty air was welcoming and as I climbed into the back of the truck, atop a pile of bins and suitcases, it felt like I'd never left, it felt like I was home again. However, though I would like time to stand still when I leave Haiti or I wish I could live in two places at once, it doesn't work like that, things were different as Maranatha has grown and wonderful interns have come or returned to serve at Maranatha, there was a new class of two year olds that I knew only from pictures and there were 16 little faces that no longer attended preschool; 2 little girls in particular that I'd worked with and watched grow so much during my time in Haiti were sorely missed - though I know my Jesus is holding them in the palm of His hand.

I read a blog last year about why missionaries can never go home, this little piece of it is so true, it hits me every time I read it: "Home is no longer home.  And sadly, that other place on the mission field will never truly be home either.  Home is both places, and neither place, at the same time." this is all too true but I love having two homes and two large families! It was so wonderful to see the Tlucek family again and see how their ministry has grown and all the wonderful changes :)

The first full day in Haiti was a whirlwind of emotions and activities, I wish I would have thought to record the staff and children's reactions; lots of screaming, hugging, lots of laughs and a couple little girls that were upset I'd left them. Children grow so much in just a year it really isn't fair! I managed to not cry until a certain little girl was placed in my arms.... She was fondly nicknamed zetwal (star in kreyol) by another intern that first semester I was in Haiti and it fits her so perfectly I've called her it ever since. She is the littlest of my 3 Haitian sisters and had been on my heart and mind so much the past year that to actually hold her again and know that she was ok... I can't find the words to describe. I carried her inside and sat down with the oldest class for assembly and the tears really flowed as I looked around at all the familiar faces, my little zetwal and another girl just sat and wiped my tears away with their hands telling me it was ok and to not cry.

I spent the first class period with the oldest group that have a class with an amazing American teacher ALL in English! They proudly showed off their English for me and I almost cried again seeing how far they've come and how well they're doing with their studies; especially the ones that I knew had really struggled beforehand. 

The next class period I went around checking on my team that had plugged in with different groups or stations, I truly had a wonderful team and I'm thankful for each one of them and the unique gifts they each brought.

The last class I spent playing with playdough - when we had the letter P for the week my first year in Haiti I taught the kids how to make playdough crowns and this lil firecracker remembered!

I took a very long nap after that and then we went on a trip to the metal arts! One of my favorite places to go - yes despite the clanging and hammering I LOVE it! At the tin market/metal arts artisans create the most fascinating, beautiful and comical things out of tin ;)

As we finished with dinner and were sitting together under the gazebo, waiting for devotions to start and just enjoying everyones company and stories from the day, my eyes kept wandering up to the top of the gazebo where my father had put chicken wire up last year to keep pigeons away, and then to the grapevines that wove their way around the pool and back up to the gazebo that he'd trimmed so carefully before. In all the crazy and all the joy from the day there was grief again, there was the void a 6' 4" father could only fill and all I wanted in the world was for my father to be sitting at that table. Worship and devotions started and the tears refused to fall

I Left My Appendix in Haiti

REAL QUICK: I do apologize for the lack of blog posts. I could show you several posts I started but never finished since the last post and those may be finished and posted at some point, but God has really been growing me and showing me things the past months that I've had to really mull over and discern what He's saying and what certain things mean to me (not fun growing up is it ;) ) so here is a brief update on what is going on right now in Hope's story:

A week ago Saturday, the 19th, I had an appendectomy around 3am in one of Port-Au-Prince's finest hospitals... I suppose you want a little more information than that ;) I spent Friday at our staff Christmas party enjoying the beach and everything it has to offer. I felt great. Laughed a lot, slept, swam, ate and tried not to cry as they presented me with a beautiful present and I said goodbye to these lovely Haitian ladies for a time.

7:00 pm (times are not exact)
Got home from the beach and started to have a little pain in my side. Felt like a stitch, told my director but since I'd had a large meal I ruled it out as gas. But it just got worse from there.
9:00 pm
Took a shower, hoping that would ease the pain, now I couldn't stand up straight. Laid in bed hoping that the pain would stop.
10:30 pm
I started messaging my mom as I was worried it was something serious and she confirmed my fears that it could be appendicitis and encouraged me to get Shelley
1100 pm
I tried to get up to get my director but suddenly the pain worsened and I found it extremely hard to breathe and began moaning in pain. I woke up the other girls in my room and my friend, Sarah, raced to get Shelley while her oldest daughter, Chelsey, sat with me. Shelley came in and instantly knew it was serious and that we needed to head to the hospital ASAP when she tried to get me to stand but I couldn't.
11:30 pm
Chelsea sat with me, placing a warm towel on my side as I gritted my teeth and tried not to scream. Sarah grabbed the trash can as I started to feel nauseous and found my shoes. Through gritted teeth and wet eyes I told them I didn't want to go anywhere. It was late and everyone needed to sleep but my appendix had other plans and Shelley and Byron knew better. Byron carried me down the stairs and I laid down in the back seat of the truck as we headed out. The ride was the longest and bumpiest ride of my life and I tried to be quiet and just focus on breathing but little moans and screams kept slipping through.
12:00 am
They wheeled me into the ER and I shut my eyes as blood soaked bandages on a young man were the first thing I saw. I felt guilty. These people needed more attention and were probably in more serious condition and here was this young white woman. I prayed it was something simple that they could give me something for and I could head home and be out of every one's hair. A woman doctor came over examined me and had a nurse draw blood. She thought it was either appendicitis or a kidney stone. "Kidney stone, kidney stone.... kidney stone I can pass" I prayed over and over.
1am
Shelley stayed by my side as I worried and prayed and worried some more. The doctor came back saying that the blood results were in and they would be prepping me for surgery. They'd called the surgeon and when he arrived we'd start. I couldn't hold back the tears as everything started racing through my head: money, recovery time, surgery, hospital stay, etc. Shelley comforted me, prayed with me and got my mom on the phone to comfort and pray with me as well.
2:00 am
I was feeling better... and I hoped that maybe they were wrong. However, when the surgeon came in and pressed on the right spot, I screamed like a little girl. I started to shake and a couple tears made their way down my cheeks. "What would you like?" he asked. "Honestly? I'd like it to be a kidney stone and to go home." He chuckled, gave his apologies and said he'd see me in surgery. Yay! On the positive side, we all felt relieved at the fact that he knew exactly where to press to make sure it was the appendix.
3:00 am
They wheeled me down to the pre-op, Shelley helped me into the papery yellow gown and cap and then it was time. They wheeled me into the operating room which from the ceiling looked an awfully lot like the basement of my old house (Byron and Shelley though, saw the whole room and were very impressed). The nurses were all very nice as they asked questions, trying to get my mind off the surgery. The anesthesiologist asked if I was ready to begin and suddenly I had this strange sensation like someone was sitting on my chest and my lips began to burn, I tried to tell her that it hurt but I couldn't speak, only make weird sounds "OK honey, breathe through this" she replied to my moaning and placed the mask over my nose "just breathe" and everything fell away.

After this I don't know what time anything took place.

I woke up, back in pre-op which I'm guessing doubled as post-op. I was in pain, groggy, my mouth felt extremely dry and I wasn't really sure what was going on. I could hear Shelley talking and then heard my friend Sarah's voice. That's when I opened my eyes and looked for them. They stood right outside my little "cubicle" and were talking with the nurses "Hey, how you feeling?" Shelley asked. While I don't remember talking, I'm guessing I did and told her that my mouth was dry and I was in a lot of pain. She asked if they could give me something for the pain and water. The nurses said I couldn't have water until 3:00 and I'd already had a milliliter of morphine a couple hours earlier. Shelley fought for me though and the surgeon came in to check on me. I remember him saying everything went well and asking if I was in pain. He let me have another milliliter of morphine and that I could have water. The nurse stuck to what he'd written on the paper and reminded him that I wasn't supposed to have any water for another half hour. I think Shelley said goodbye after this and headed home to get some much needed rest. Sarah stayed by my side and had brought my ipod and headphones (God bless her) so I turned on some Andrew Peterson and with the help of morphine, I fell back asleep.

I don't know how much time had passed but I woke up again and the nurse wanted to take out the catheter and move me to a private room. Once she finished, they sat me up and I immediately had a huge wave of nausea. I did not want to throw up as I knew that would hurt and I probably would have to stay in post-op longer. I dry heaved a couple times (which hurt enough to actually be puke) but I was finally (probably wasn't very long but felt like forever) able to have a small glass of water that I sipped down. I've found water really does refresh and restore a person more than anything else. Just like Jesus ;)

Shortly after that we found that in Haiti, you need to bring your own sheets as the nurses asked Sarah several times whether we had any or were going to bring any so they could move me to the new room. I told them I didn't need new sheets and the ones I were on were fine (I really wanted to get out of there and I felt like they were fine) they looked at me like I was insane but ok'd it and they lowered me back down and wheeled me to a private room as Byron came in.

It's funny the perspective you have when all you see is the ceiling - it felt like they were wheeling me down back alleys, behind the buildings, over the hill, across the river... just kidding but it did feel like I was being stashed away somewhere. We got to the private room which was actually very nice. It was a pretty Irish green, had it's own bathroom and was pretty big. They lifted me (and the sheets) onto another bed that reminded me of a massage table, minus the headrest. The top didn't raise so they propped it up with the bottles for my IV. I was cold so the sweet nurse got me another blanket and I was out again.

I was in and out after this. My times are all messed up but I think during this time I had a high fever and my nurse began placing cold compresses on my face and chest... very cold. But it helped bring my fever down.

I woke up, groggy and wishing that I hadn't woken up. Sarah encouraged me to drink and since all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I guzzled water... not a good idea. It came back up and dear Sarah rushed to find something for me to throw up in (not only do you need to bring your own sheets but also your own toilet paper, washcloths, water, food etc. which really isn't surprising but it caught us off guard). I beat her though, trying to hit the floor to save the sheets (make it easier to clean up) but I wasn't quite fast enough though and the sheets were not saved. Sarah found something (I really don't know what it was) for me to throw up in and I did get some into that. You know you have an amazing friend when they stay by your side (though you're basically unconscious the majority of the time), with no lunch or wifi, is willing to fight off the nurses for you (the nurse really wanted to give me a bath), cleans up your vomit and makes jokes about it! "Well, I know what you ate yesterday!" She was truly a Godsend and I'll always be thankful for her and her sacrifice as this is not how either of us wanted to spend our last weekend in Haiti.

The first woman doctor from the ER the night/morning before came in to check on me and Sarah explained to her that I'd thrown up. She asked why and I explained that I had guzzled too much water but I actually felt a lot better since throwing up. She was satisfied that everything was ok and said to keep drinking water and if I felt better later I could drink some 7Up. I think I fell back asleep but when I woke up I felt much much better! Sarah helped me get some clothes on, sit up and walk to the bathroom. This all took awhile but it was huge progress and I wanted to go home. I was awake for awhile after all of that so Sarah filled me in on a number of things, one being that they had put my appendix in a jar and Byron had taken it home for everyone to see! Haha - one of my Haiti siblings asked if I'd taken it out myself! :p

The rest of the day is a little fuzzy. Shelley and Byron came back with all the essentials and Shelley stayed by my side. There was also this weird black sticker on my forehead that took my temperature I believe; but it made me feel like a weird alien and we all made jokes about it. I don't remember the rest of the evening.

3:30 am Sunday
I woke up to sharp pain in my left arm, where the IV was. There was always a burning sensation when the nurse changed the IV bag or made the drip faster or slower, but this was much worse. I was on my left side so my arm was kind of hidden from the nurse, I raised it and to my horror saw that it had swelled about the size of a tennis ball, I was groggy but tapped the nurse and drew her attention to my arm. I'd blown a vein. She took care of it and to my dismay had to stick me again, this time she got it the first try which was the grace of God. I was in a lot of pain, she gave me a shot of what we figured out was basically liquid ibuprofen in my right arm "Yikes that's gonna bruise!" I thought. The pain continued to grow however and soon I felt like I couldn't breathe. They sat me up but the pain was so intense I just sat on the edge of my bed trying to breathe through the pain. Shelley and the nurse were both concerned and the nurse ran to get a doctor. An American doctor, who was working in the ER, came in and checked me. I was in so much pain I couldn't look up at his face or anything. He said I could have 2 milliliters of morphine since I hadn't had any since 10 am the day before. I hope I thanked him but I honestly don't remember. The pain lessened and I was able to use the restroom but the thought of getting back onto the high bed was not appealing. Shelley and the nurse got me a chair and I rested my head on a pillow at the end of the bed and slept there for awhile.

Sunday came, my Haiti siblings and I were supposed to lead worship that day and it was going to be our "big finale" as I was heading home and one of our "foster brothers" was headed to the states as well. Sadly, I was not able to make it but I know they did a fantastic job as always :) The morning is kind of fuzzy... the doctors wanted me to be up moving around if I could because they didn't want blood clots to form and actually I found sitting in the little office chair in the room was more comfortable and I didn't have to work so hard to get up and down as the fluids seemed to be running straight through.

We'd been told that the doctor who performed my surgery would be in at 9 am that morning but 9 am passed and another doctor came in, checked me and said that while yes, I was doing very well, only the doctor that did my surgery could release me and he hadn't come in, but he was probably at church and would come in later. My back was killing me as I had to "try" and use it instead of my stomach muscles which was next to impossible but it was definitely getting a workout. Shelley braided my hair for me, massaged my back and got my mind of the pain as we talked about life and the preschool. She also got me to walk around the room a couple times which was big progress. I was also supposed to be drinking juice and Sarah had bought some mango nectar from a merchant outside of the hospital gates. Shelley gave it to me in capfuls from my water bottle lid. It was sweet but was more filling than water.

Through all of this I felt God's peace surrounded me, could hear Him telling me it would all be ok and He wasn't going to leave me or take me home yet. Though there were moments I didn't trust Him or tears of fear escaped, He was always there encouraging me.

Byron, Sarah, Chelsea and Pastor Louis (a Haitian pastor from Chicago who works with Byron and Shelley off and on) came after church to check on us and brought coffee for Shelley and chicken soup for me. Something I have learned in my two years with Maranatha Children's Ministries is to laugh, no matter what and this crew got me chuckling and smiling, I tried really hard not to laugh as it hurt the incision but laughter really is the best medicine :) We took several walks, Sarah as my human crutch and Chelsey and Shelley taking turns holding my IV bag (the pole didn't roll) and opening doors. I found that contrary to my previous thoughts, we weren't very far from the main gate and the ER. Walking felt good. I couldn't go that far on my own and it was exhausting but it was very good as my muscles would get tired and ache if left in one position for too long (Thanks c-virus). We got back to the room and Shelley poured me a cup of chicken soup from the coffee carafe that had been keeping it warm, however, despite being washed very thoroughly, the soup tasted and smelled like old coffee and chicken soup which was very confusing to my senses and wasn't the nicest to drink. But slowly and with the "encouragement" ;) of Shelley, I think I finished the cup or almost and then drank as much of the mango nectar as I could without feeling nauseous.

The pain started to get bad again and the American doctor from earlier that morning came back in. This time I was able to talk to him and thank him as he again proscribed 2 milliliters of morphine. I don't know why the nurse was stingy with the morphine. I'm guessing they don't have a large supply or they think I'm an addict :p But I tried to not ask for anything until it got worse which apparently isn't a smart thing to do. We walked around some more and the pastor from the church we attend came while we were out on a walk. He prayed over me and I headed back to my room to sleep for awhile. I don't remember much after that. My sweet nurse had been working over 30 hours and her replacement was late. Though she really wanted to give me a bath (I told her I'd had one right before I came to the hospital and was fine) and she messed with the IV probably every hour without fail, she was very sweet and when her replacement finally came at some point that evening, she woke me up very gently, peeked under the covers that I had over my head, as I was freezing, and said "I have to go now but I will see you tomorrow morning at 6, ok cheri?" I nodded "ok goodnight, cheri - God bless" and I was asleep again.

 I knew my mom was flying in and I wanted to be out of the hospital by the time she came but I knew if I wasn't, she'd get me out. Sure enough, mom flew in looking dazzling (I don't know how she does it) though she'd flown home from Haiti on Thursday morning, done prenatals, delivered a baby and flew back to Haiti on Sunday morning. She went and found the directors of the hospital, twin Haitian brothers, talked to them about how she is a midwife and a health care professional and she knows that though it is against hospital policy she wanted them to release me into her care. They agreed to come check me and see what they could do.

They came in and asked me to get into the bed so they could check me. Now prior to this, getting into bed meant me sitting on the edge for a while, breathing and waiting for the pain to subside and then being lowered down onto the bed where I felt like someone was crushing my chest in their hands and I'd struggle to breathe for awhile before being "ok" and moving up to the head of the bed. I said a silent prayer and God wrapped me up in His arms and lifted me into that bed with little pain! The doctors checked me, said I had a fever but overall if mom was willing to accept responsibility, they would release me into her care. Joy! Thank you, Jesus! Checking out was a process as you can imagine but around 10 pm (I think), Bryon was pulling the truck inside and I gingerly climbed in, surrounded by pillows.

The ride home was rough but not nearly as rough as the ride to the hospital and once again, I found that the hospital wasn't nearly as far away as I thought it had been. We got home, I said hello to my Haiti siblings and Sarah as she flew out early Monday morning and I didn't know if I would be conscious, and then tried to get some sleep. It was a long night. I got up several times to use the bathroom and tried several different positions but lying down hurt way too much.

Monday morning was rough - mom massaged my aching back and one of my Haiti brothers got me a chair to sit in which I found was very comfortable! Byron had found the meds prescribed by the doctors and I started taking them. Quickly, after taking one of the pills, I got super nauseous so mom had me eat some bread and mangoes to settle my stomach which was rough but they did help and if you didn't know this mangoes and papaya seed are natural laxatives so everything started moving which as you may or may not know is critical to the healing process.

We had a flight out early Tuesday morning so I did my best to relax as much as possible. I had nothing packed as I thought I would have the weekend to do that. Silly me, thinking things would go as planned ;) Around 1:30, I began to climb the staircase to go up to my room. One of my Haiti siblings, Joe (14) carried my chair up for me and Belle (9) held my hand and I made it to the top and into my room without incident! With the help of Katie (16) and my mom, I pointed out things for them to pack and Katie found a couple things I'd been missing for awhile! After packing, I rested for awhile before attempting to take a shower. We've been blessed with a little water heater for the winter months which are chilly in the mornings and evenings and the thought of taking a freezing cold shower just doesn't sound too appealing. I was very thankful for the warm water and was actually able to shower without having to catch my breathe and felt so much better!

Afterwards, Shelley came to check on me and was amazed at the progress I had made (I was also very swollen in the hospital and my face had gone down a lot!). Their oldest son was arriving that night and as it was mine and Pastor Louis last evening in Haiti so they were wanting to take everyone up to Boutillier where there is a lovely little restaurant that looks out over Port-Au-Prince. It is one of my favorite places and my mom had never been there. She explained that if I wasn't feeling up to it that it was completely fine and they'd understand. I told her I'd nap but I'd really like to go. Mom changed my bandages and said that I should rest and see how I felt but she wasn't sure I'd be able to. Sure enough, when I woke up I wasn't feeling as well as I had and the long car ride to the top of the mountain and the long night that it was sure to be didn't sound like a wise choice. I do admit my eyes were wet as I told Shelley I wouldn't be able to make it and had to tell all my siblings (as they walked by my couch one by one) that I wasn't able to go. Katie, however, made me her famous ramen soup and mom and I watched Elf and an episode of Mythbusters before falling asleep. This time, I slept on the couch as being propped up and having something to lean into seemed to help.

I woke up shortly after everyone returned home and talked to Katie, Chelsea and Andrew for a little bit before falling back asleep. I don't really remember what we talked about but I remember Katie got some huge hoop earrings ;)

Tuesday, the travel day, came. I woke up, got changed and sat in my chair not feeling great and trying not to cry as I looked around the room reminiscing about the past two years and not knowing the exact date I'd be back. I thought about waking up the girls to say goodbye but I knew they'd had a late night and I would just end up crying all over them. I was able to walk down the stairs unassisted which Shelley said was amazing "I don't feel very amazing," I replied jokingly. Our security guard and one of my foster brothers were up and the tears really started to flow as I hugged them goodbye and climbed into the truck. Every time I'd left Haiti before, I'd had a return ticket and while I was sad to leave, hardly any tears were shed. I'd watched friends cry as they left and cried at their leaving but I'd always been ok knowing I was coming back within a week or two. I tried to trick myself into not crying because I know that I will be coming back but my heart and mind kept reminding me I didn't have a plane ticket back and the tears wouldn't be held back.

We flew Delta and I have to say that Delta did an amazing job. Mom had called them and told them the situation and they had booked her a nice flight, had wheelchairs for me. We had seats very close to the front of the the plane, went through security and everything very quickly and the people were very helpful. Flying wasn't as bad as I expected it to be; if I had to say anything I'd say that I was freezing.... but I'm always freezing on flights and they provided a blanket for me :)

I don't know how many of you have seen the newly remodeled Wichita airport but I couldn't stop gawking and oohing and aahing! We're so official now! Dad picked mom and I up and we headed home where my siblings (that still live at home) were waiting with hysterical signs and hot soup.

Wednesday, my "always on the ball" mother, had a doctors appointment bright and early for me. My legs and stomach were very swollen and so I weighed myself and I came in at a whopping 130 lbs!!! I have not been over 115, to my knowledge, ever! Freaked me out a little but mom assured me that it was all fluid. We got into the doctor's office fairly quickly and she was concerned about my swelling too but as she massaged my calves, it wasn't painful so she said it was probably from traveling but if I spiked a fever or had any pain in my legs to come in. We did lab work but otherwise she recommended: walking when I can, compression socks, continuing taking the antibiotic meds, Tylenol and ibuprofen and LOTS of fluids. We ran over to my favorite chiropractor (Dopps Chiropractics on Greenwich) who alleviated the pain in my neck, arm and back and headed home to sleep. Thursday, I'd lost 7 lbs and started using a pitcher of water to gauge how much water I was drinking (thank you Shelley and Sue) and today I am back down to 117 lbs!!! The test results didn't come back very encouraging but we're hopefully going to run them again and I will keep you guys updated :)

Arriving in Kansas without my appendix was change enough for me but there were many more changes waiting for me. Those who are returning missionaries understand that while home is home so is the home you just left. Someone sent me a blog post about how missionaries can never go home and while I'm grateful to my parents and my family for everything they're doing to make adjusting easier for me, it's hard and I appreciate the many prayers you all are sending up. God has however shown me that I'm on the right path with little things. One huge thing was that at the airport, having just arrived and were waiting for my dad to bring the car around, I was just starting to tear up again thinking about Haiti, an older gentleman overheard me say that I was coming from Haiti and he was Haitian!!! We had a little chat in kreyol and I learned that there is a little Haitian community here in Kansas!!!!!!!!!! God is good and He has a plan :)

P.S. There will be another post about future plans later this week as I know you're wondering.

Pre-Camp Week

Last week we had pre-camp. Pre-Camp is when all of the people who would like to be translators or junior counselors, as well as out staff, get to experience a week of English camp.

Through out this week we, as the teachers, group leaders and directors watch the potential junior counselors and their behavior through out the week. We look for people, who are attentive, follow instructions, take initiative, good leaders, gentle and good-natured. For translators we look for the same attributes along with how well their English and translating skills are. I have a lot of respect for translators; as I work on my second language I know that translating isn’t as easy as we would like to think it is. The literal translation is not always the same and so quickly one has to think how it would make sense in another language and then say it. I stumble a lot when volunteers ask me what a child says. Yes, some things are very simple to translate but other things are cultural and therefore need a much longer translation. We had 100 people signed up for pre-camp! Sadly we could only take a total of 26 so a lot of prayers for God to make it very clear whom He would like to have in camp went up through out the week.

There are four classes everyday that the groups rotate through (during camp they’re split into older and younger) they are: English, science, Bible and PE. We split boys into two groups and the same with the girls. I helped put together the science curriculum this year; I love science and seeing all the tiny details God made everything with. Our summer director Andrew let me to teach the science class and while I was really nervous about teaching and getting all the facts straight; Monday morning came and I was fairly confident as I went to class. The science curriculum is themed: 6 Weeks of Creation. So, each week we focus on one day of creation the first week going through creation and then talking about light, light energy etc. the first day was relatively easy as I simply read the Genesis 1, 2:1-2 explaining and going into depth after each day of creation and then having the class draw inside a chart what happened on each of the 7 days. I concluded by really driving the point that God simply spoke, it wasn’t a magic spell, he didn’t use any sort of instrument He simply said “let there be” and there was. God is THAT powerful and that same powerful God loves each of us and desires a relationship with us.

The first class was a little restless; I had some issues with one of the guys but the rest of my classes went better. I had the boys first, a break for lunch and then the girls. My last class on Monday I asked if anyone knew what God created the first day; they were all shocked when I told them that “the heavens and earth” was wrong. “Genesis 1:1” they all said and when I began to read they were all shocked as I went through the three days of forming, three days of filling and the last day of rest. Monday was a good reminder, to me, that preaching the gospel and starting at the very beginning is important and how powerful God is.

Tuesday - I decided to do week 2 so that the junior counselors who would be working in camp wouldn’t hear the exact same week of science all over again. Day 2 of creation God separated the sky and the water. The day before things went well but I felt like there needed to be more interaction; this was also the day that the people wanting to be translators got a chance to translate for the teachers instead of our group leaders. I went to my class excited as I had a fun experiment to do with the class! I began by reviewing the order of creation and asking the class what happened each day; they stumbled a little but got it with a little help. I began to talk about the atmosphere and how it protects the earth, we talked about weather, the water cycle and pollution and then we made rain in a jar with: water, shaving cream and blue food coloring. So much fun! As I taught I myself was really touched on how incredibly perfect God had made things for us and how we mess it up. God told Adam and Eve to take care of the earth and the animals and we aren’t doing a good job of the job God gave us!

My third class, as I explained the atmosphere God began to speak and though this wasn’t in the lesson plan at all I began to talk about meteorites burning up in the atmosphere and falling stars; my translator stopped before translating what I just said and the staff members (who speak English) in the class were stunned “what did you say?” she asked, I repeated about falling stars and she shook her head in disbelief and translated it; then everyone was stunned and began talking. “Um… what just happened?” I asked, she laughed as she explained that in Haiti they’ve all been told that a falling star is a sign that someone is going to die. Again, God moved and I explained that no, a falling star is actually kind of the opposite. It’s a reminder that God is protecting us from meteorites that might cause damage and maybe kill us. So I encouraged them to remember that and share with their families that when they see a shooting star they shouldn’t be afraid but comforted because God is in control and He’s protecting us because He is God and He loves us. I went on to explain that every little part of creation is important if we didn’t have one part of the water cycle it wouldn’t work at all. God doesn’t make mistakes and just like God designed and made everything for a reason He did the same with each of us. We’re all here for a reason, we all make a difference whether we believe it or not.

Tuesday I was reminded that I’m God’s instrument to play a beautiful melody on, when I’m in tune with Him, and I’m just so thankful that He chooses to use me to touch others lives and that I am here.

Wednesday - the third day of creation God created the land, plants and the sea. I decided to talk about plants, land and then do a volcano experiment! My first class was still my hardest class but we got through it and they loved the volcano! The rest of my classes were so interested in plants that we didn’t have time to do the volcano! I had a volunteer draw a tree (as in the middle of my “classroom” stood a very tall tree and I used it as an example) and then different people come up and draw what the tree needed to make food. I also went over chlorophyll and how it makes leaves green and one of our preschool teachers was shocked “I never knew that before, the leaves are green because of chlorophyll! But now thanks to your lesson I know that!” she said laughing after our staff meeting.

Tuesday we’d given the people who were trying out to be translators a chance; most were guys and so Wednesday I asked some of the girls who’d been coming to English camp for a long time to translate for me and they actually did a really good job!!! I was so impressed!

As I went over the different things a tree need in order to make food and to live God moved once again and I began to explain how we, like trees, need to dig deep into God’s word which is like water to our thirsty souls, how the holy spirit lives in us and changes us (like the plants take the carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen) how without God’s one and only son we cannot have eternal life! The older ladies in my group shouted out some “amens” and “thank-you Lords”. Wednesday I pray God planted seeds in hearts that will grow and each of my students will come to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.

Fun fact: I can only say photosynthesis a total of 2 times before I get tongue-tied. We spent a good 5 minutes laughing about it and then I found the kreyol word is SO much easier to say and began using it: fotosentèz (photo-sin-tez)

Thursday – the fourth day of creation God created the: sun, moon and stars. I planned on talking about all of them but highlighting the moon as I’d noticed that the moon (I’ve always found space fascinating) was a waxing crescent the night before! I dreaded my first class in all honesty. But God just pressed on my heart to be cheerful and loving no matter what and as I prayed for the fruits of the spirit to be poured out the entire class changed. Guys were cheering for each other, helping one another out, answering questions, those that had caused problems were actually listening… it was one of the fastest answer to prayer I’ve ever experienced and I was SO grateful!

We talked about how the earth rotates around the sun and the moon rotates around the earth. I had three volunteers try and replicate it. We had a very small space and so as you can imagine it didn’t go well. I am a perfectionist but before any anxiety and degrading thoughts could even start, I laughed. Literally burst up laughing, as God showed me how silly we humans are. I had the class give the volunteers a round of applause and began to explain that even though there were several of us trying to get the volunteers to do it correctly we couldn’t get them to. It was a mess! “Aren’t you glad that God is in charge and not us?!” we went on to discuss how God once again created everything perfectly, His math is right on and if it was slightly off we’d be in big trouble.

We went over the phases of the moon next. I asked if any of them had seen the moon the previous night some had but they couldn’t remember what it had looked like. I encouraged them to look at the moon that night and try and figure out what phase it was at. All of my classes had so many questions about the moon we didn’t get to the sun and stars!

As Thursday was the last day of normal classes I again reiterated that God is the one who created the earth, in seven days, that the earth is young, how powerful God is, how He is in every little detail and that He does everything for a reason though we might not understand it or know why we’re all here for a reason and we have a choice to follow Him or to not.

Friday – Friday is called Friday fun day; we don’t have classes but fun activities where at least one involves water ;) My activity was musical chairs, which we had a blast with! We don’t have a lot of chairs but mainly benches, (which I’ve played with before in preschool but its not easy and doesn’t always work) and last year we’d used little pieces of cardboard to mark places. However; I’d found that with the preschoolers if I had them make a circle and then squat when the music stopped I would just choose the last person to squat or sit down and the last two I’d bring out a folding chair and it would be like “normal” musical chairs. The little kids LOVE it and so we tried it for Friday fun day. They also loved it and it ended up going faster then I thought it would and so I switched it up a little: the 2^nd round we chose one person to be in the middle of the group and choose an action for the entire group to do (e.g march with hands in the air, hop, shuffle, grocery cart etc.) it made it a little harder as they had to follow the person in the middle as well as listen for the music to stop and start. Lots of laughs! We still had time for another round and so the 3^rd round if a person got out they got to be the one in the middle, choosing what move people did and then when someone else got out they would go sit down and that person would take their place in the middle so that everyone got a turn J

I laughed so hard as some of the moves (walk like a chicken) were just hysterical and then when our older ladies got in the middle and started getting down with the music; everyone was good sports and it was a great ending to a wonderful week.

Friday was also hard because it was when Andrew chose who would help in English camp; there were a lot of disappointed people but for the most part they took it very well and we hope to see them again next year and that what they learned and saw during pre week God would use to draw them to Himself.

Oh Be Careful

"She is mean!"

Was the phrase that came out when I explained why I'd asked for prayer for a certain two year old. I hadn't been back very long, but this little girl had caught my attention. I'd watched as she'd bit, kicked, hit, stole another child's food repeatedly throughout the week and when corrected she would look at me or another teacher, soaking it all in and respond to everything with a confident "Wi" (yes) responding to "You know that's wrong" or "Don't do that again, ok?" but she would turn around and do it a few minutes later!

God, how do I reach this child?

Its funny how God speaks and uses so many different things to touch us. I had started to stick with this little girl, when I wasn't teaching dance; keeping her close, playing with her and just loving on her and it seemed to be making a difference. Then, one day she was sitting on my lap and a little boy came and did something, honestly I don't remember what it was, but I gave his hand a pat and told him "no, don't do that." The little girl then took a swat at his hand repeating what I had said... it was as if her slap had hit me in the face instead. She was watching me and had swung the other way, she was now a little "professor" discipling kids! I asked her teachers and they told me that yes when they reprimand a child she comes running over to do it too. 

God, is this my fault?

I blame myself and beat myself up, mentally, a lot for different things. Which is not healthy and something God is working through with me. A lot of things had been piling on my heart and mind as my eyes were being opened more and more to what these children went home to every day. But, this thought knocked the wind out of me and I wasn't sure where to go. Today though God showed me something that humbled me.

There are a handful of kids I watch when they eat breakfast and lunch. They do not get a lot to eat at home, one needs water instead of milk, one wants to take food home, another is... too weak to eat is the only way I can think to describe it and another isn't up to trying new foods. So, I usually feed these children by hand sit with them on my lap and sometimes they eat and sometimes I try again at lunch. As I came in to check on one of them the little girl was trying to feed the child I was checking on! This child was her own age and honestly wasn't going to be fed by her, but she'd been watching me and was copying me.

I cried.

Children are the next generation, children copy what they see others do, whether it is good or bad. What we are doing matters; God reminds me of this so much! And it's important to be a godly example to these children and to love them with a Christ like love because you're not just helping to change a life but a nation too. We aren't perfect, we'll mess up but hopefully we'll all learn and love through it all.

This is a song that we sing at preschool and you all may have sung it at one point in your lives or another; but this song really stuck to my heart while I was holding my little girl or shadow as she's now being called. 

"Oh be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!) *insert children shouting this last part

Oh be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!)

For the Father up above

He is looking down in love

So, be careful little eyes what you see (what you see!)

I pray that people, not just the children at the preschool, would see Jesus through me.

"Be careful little ears what you hear"

I pray that I listen to God's words and let them fill me.

"Be careful little mouth what you say"

I pray my words are encouraging and loving at all times.

"Be careful little hands what you do"

I pray I am gentle, kind and a servant.

"Be careful little feet where you go"

I pray I follow God wherever He takes me, in a day, week, month and the years ahead.

Shall We Dance?

Started dance this past week! Took the first week off to: adjust back into my Haiti home, learn the new schedule of the preschool, as well as all 38 names of the children that are new to Maranatha's preschool program. Which was a blessing as adjusting back was not as easy as I thought it would be.

Last school year was my first year teaching in Haiti and we learned a lot about the do's and don'ts of teaching dance in Haiti. This year I have new space! My director had the brilliant idea to move dance class inside the carport, no more standing water, the temptation of the swing set or danger of falling coconuts, etc. I now have three walls in my classroom and it's helped immensely as far as keeping the class together and organized! It's only been the first week and I can already tell the difference from last year.

Also, my director changed the schedule of the classes and stations so that we split all of the classes into three groups, on Mondays the A groups have dance class, Wednesday the B groups and on Fridays the C groups. In each group there are 10-11 kids which is very different from simply splitting the classes in half and changing stations at the halfway point. Though this does mean that I no longer have a helper or a translator, yikes! I did pray that I would be learning more creole though before I returned. Don't you love God's sense of humor?!

Monday, the first day of dance class, was hectic. Kids were running around, not listening or obeying, some refusing to do anything and then 2's schedule got all mixed up and I had two classes instead of one; needless to say it was discouraging. But first days are supposed to be tough, they make the progress of the year more exciting and worth it... right? Yes, however this was not my attitude when I woke up Wednesday. I felt like Satan just hung a dark cloud over me as I sat on the floor of my bedroom having not slept well the night before, thoughts of whether what I was doing was worth it or even right hounding me and the C-virus not being kind. As I sat there thought the school next door began to play "You are Holy" and other songs like it and I knew I needed to stand up and go to class. I didn't feel like I had the strength and I wanted to crawl back in bed but I did my devotions and ate my breakfast and headed to class.

My first class was 10 of the oldest children in our preschool. They all attended Maranatha last year; and performed a dance on graduation day. They did fantastic! All of them listened, were excited to show me what they remembered, some of them had practiced during the summer and one of the boys, who had had difficulty with jumps in first position, jumped perfectly the very first time!!!!!! For those of you that know me or have taught alongside me you can imagine my happy dance and the cheering that happened. The 2's listened, participated and there was a lot of laughing and giggling as they tried to get their feet into 1st position. Did they all obey? No, but they're 2 and for the most part they all participated.

My final class for the day came. This group were a lot of work last year and I was a little worried but they ended up being the best class of the day! They were excited to dance, to repeat what I was saying, proud that they remembered first position and were just eager to learn. What a turn around!!!

I love teaching dance as well as dancing and am so honored to have the opportunity to use my God given passion and gifts here in Haiti. I don't know what God has planned but I am content and look forward to the future.

Kaleidoscope World

Have you ever sat for awhile and looked through a kaleidoscope? Watched all the colors and changing patterns? Maybe found one you really like but couldn't find it once you turned or shook the tube? That's kind of what my life feels like right now, so many colors and patterns and I'm trying to find my place in it all.

The biggest thing is the children. I worked with 80 children last semester. Built relationships with them, knew them all by name, their individual little characteristics and a lot of their hard stories. Saying goodbye to them at English Camp I thought I knew which ones I would not be seeing again; seeing as we'd done pre registration for this year beforehand. I hugged them close, reminded them that Jesus and I both love them very much and that I would be praying for them. Though it was hard to say goodbye in all the chaos of three graduations, almost back to back; I felt ok about saying goodbye and there had only been 5 I thought. But coming back that was not the case and some we thought for sure were going to come back didn't. 

That was hard. 

I had said goodbye to these kids, but it wasn't the kind of goodbye that was a possibly forever goodbye! The first few days I was hit really hard with thoughts and worries and was very discouraged. Yes, I was SO happy to be back in my Haiti home but I kept battling with my mind and these thoughts as I missed the kids that were not at preschool:
"Do they know how much Jesus loves them? 
Did I do my part? 
Did they not want to come back?
Could I have done something else? 
Am I actually helping here? 
Are they going to school?
Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Do they know they're loved? 
Do they know???"

Then God brought to mind a conversation I had with one of my Haitian brothers and a fellow worker at Maranatha earlier this year. It was Friday and school had been let out early as usual and there was one little girl who was waiting on her mom to come pick her up, she also had a slight fever. We waited and waited and there was no sign of her father or mother. She started to get worried and began to cry, I picked her up, brought her inside, gave her some water, half a banana and held her close, rocking gently and assuring her that everything was going to be ok. She fell asleep in my arms and I just sat there rocking and watching her sleep my mind wondering about her life, both present and future. 

He came in and asked about her, I explained the situation to him and as he sat down to lunch I began pouring out my heart to him "It's hard sending them home and not knowing what it's like or if they will be looked after properly..... I'm worried.... I want to take care of them.... I want them and their families to know God and to be safe and healthy.... I want so much for her" These words and more came pouring from my mouth and tears threatened to fall on her sleeping brow. He listened quietly, nodding his head as he ate and then when I stopped to catch my breath began saying "You know what you're doing; what we're all doing here is important.... we're planting seeds and we don't know what fruit will grow... we just teach and hope and pray.... but you're laying a foundation for them and if the foundation is strong they grow up to be Godly men and women and God knows the future Hope. We just have to trust and follow Him."

Such a wonderful reminder! God is constantly moving and changing hearts and though sometimes the colors and shapes can make our heads spin as we try to grasp what all is going on and what we're supposed to do, it truly is a beautiful, beautiful thing to watch and when you feel completely lost you have to open your eyes and take it all in and just smile and anticipate as the colors swirl by. And as you stand there He will come along, take your hand and twirl you into the middle of it at the perfect moment and direct you to the perfect place.

We are a preschool and "... all children grow up...." (peter pan) and it's hard to say goodbye not knowing where they will go or what they will do. I'm not a parent (don't plan on being one anytime soon) but as a big sister, babysitter, nanny, teacher and growing up some myself I see the world and it scares me. I see things that are allowed or people turn a blind eye too and it breaks my heart. We know that children starve to death, we know that children die from curable illnesses, we know that children do not have the money or the opportunity to go to school, we know that there are child slaves but yet we sit back send some money here or there and try not to look through the kaleidoscope at the grand design because we like it where it is and these things don't directly affect us. 

But it does.

"...Each man's death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind..." ~ John Donne

I cannot help every child and I, myself can't even truly help a child without God's help. But I can love, care for, show Jesus to and know the children that God has placed right here in front of me and the children that grow and head off to other schools or places God will have someone else there to love, care, share His gift of eternal life and know them and show them that they are precious in His sight.

Maybe it will be you.

Don't be afraid to step into this kaleidoscope world and be swept into His story, whether He takes you across the sea or down the street; it's not always easy or simple but it's always worth it.

There are now 93 children enrolled in preschool. All so beautiful. All His. And I am excited to get to know the ones that I do not know and to continue building the relationships that I have with the others that were here last year. Maranatha is doing wonderful things and continuing to grow and to follow God wherever He leads as they feed and nurture these children: spiritually, mentally and physically. They have a truly beautiful role here and I'm honored to work and to figure out and do my part in this kaleidoscope world.

Peace

Peace.

Such an interesting word. The world recognizes the famous "peace" symbol or hand sign, people pray for world peace and talk about it; but sadly most do not truly understand what peace truly is. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and His concept of peace is larger than "no fighting", it's from the Hebrew root slm, which means "to be complete" or "to be sound."

We as humans are not innately good or natural peacemakers. 

Think about, babies do not take care of themselves. Sleep is disturbed by cries from the crib, frustration arises when potty training comes around, our parents do not teach us to grab or steal toys from other children or to lie. It just sort of comes naturally. There is an emptiness inside of us, we long to be made whole and we try so hard doing SO many different things, thinking "maybe this will fill me" though we just continue to fall on our faces time and time again. Having a relationship with Jesus is what makes all the difference, there is that peace of knowing that no matter how many times you try and fail you are His and He is yours; nothing can separate you and in Him you are made complete.

It's hard to comprehend I know, but that doesn't make it any less true.

His peace and love are something that I have really been digging deeper into and figuring out the past few years. Growing up I saw God as a taskmaster and if I did one thing wrong I was going to hell. But God is love and He is peace and I have never felt such love and peace as I have while living and growing in Haiti.

4 days ago I was told that starting in January my churches financial monthly support was going to decrease, while they still supported me and my work in Haiti 100% monthly support would be less. This in fact, though scary to wake up to, was an answer to a prayer someone prayed over me the beginning of October. This may seem horrible but let me explain:

Being a missionary is not easy, here are a few reasons why (I'm using overseas as an e.g):

You will be taken out of your comfort zone; sometimes multiple times a day

Learning a new language is important to communicate with the people you live and work with

You'll move away from friends and loved ones (thank you skype but hugs are not the same)

Your job doesn't pay in money and you need to eat

Goodbye comfort foods

Asking people to support you

The devil will be working extra hard against you and your efforts

Being a missionary does not make you anymore perfect than anyone else. You are not immediately transformed, when you move overseas, into a person with endless: love, patience, joy etc. I wish it did! But no, you're still the same person you were boarding the plane as you are getting off. You still have those quirks and habits you want to kick, you may even be terrified out of your mind... but following Him where he leads and having the support of friends, family and even strangers back home is what keeps you going on those really horrible days when nothing is working and you just want to quit.

Supporting someone means that you come along side them, that they can stand and know that they will not sink or fall. It means praying for them, encouraging them in countless ways, easing their financial burden, it's giving them peace, making them feel complete, ready to do the work that God has given them to do. I only had eight monthly supporters in January and my church was a huge monthly supporter. But, it's crucial for any missionary to have a group, even a crowd of supporters. And my wonderful friend saw this and prayed that more people would come along side me and I would see just how supported and loved I was.

My church has seen this caterpillar through it's first year but it's time that this caterpillar turns into a butterfly and they make room for more supporters in order for this transformation to happen, while they continue supporting me, but not as big financially. I'm blessed. Truly I am and I have this sense of peace as my last week stateside starts tomorrow. God has this all in His hands I am now 1/2 way to being fully supported and with one time donations I'm headed back!!!

I still need monthly supporters but I know God will provide and so if you feel led to make 12 donations in the next 12 months, size does not matter. Promise.

You can go to mcmhaiti.org and donate with: support for HOPE RUEBKE in the memo. If my name is not on it it goes to the organization not to me.

OR

Send a check or have monthly withdrawals sent to:

MCM c/o Nichols Accounting

5680 E. Franklin, St. 110

Nampa, ID 83687

Thank you again for everything you guys do, no act of love or kindness is too small. May God richly bless every single one of you!