Rest Easy

"You better rest while you're there" she said giving me a big hug as I said goodbye the night before I headed home. She said this sternly but with all the love in the world and I felt it. On the one side I didn't want to go home, I knew there were things to be done and by the time I returned we were hoping that over half of the kids in the children's home would be with their forever families and I would miss meeting their families and saying goodbye and what if school started?! I was so tempted to change my flight so I could meet one of the parents that was flying in the day I left and we would miss each other by a couple hours. I struggled with this but I felt His hand on me telling me that I needed to go home now for a short time so that I could stay for a longer time. And so I boarded the plane with half my heart left in Haiti but knowing this was His plan and having my mind set to enjoy my time and to rest so I could come back.

Part of resting meant: healing and healing meant: medicine and medicine meant: a trip to the doctors office.  So, I went to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. I don't like hospitals or doctors offices, if I'm being completely honest, the thought of them makes me nauseous and having to spend any time in them just doesn't sit well with me. It's not like I've had horrible experiences or anything... it's kind of like peoples fear for the dentist. I've never been afraid of the dentist but doctors is another story. However, my mom and I walked in with the comfort of a warm starbucks in hand and took a seat. It was not a good C-virus day and me not wanting to be there didn't help with anything either. When our doctor came in and began talking, her words were "... she looks like she went through some rough stuff, the light thats normally in her eyes isn't, it isn't there and that worries me." it took me back hearing this; was it really that noticeable or that bad?! Yes, I felt bad but it wasn't... that bad surely!

I told her that I was only staying a month and she began talking to me about how she felt it would be wise to take another month off, how the poor will always be with us, that going back at 50% I will decrease faster than if I waited to go back till I was 100%, she continued talking about how Jesus rested and it took everything not to start bawling as she spoke these words to me. I knew she was speaking truth but I didn't want to believe it. Yes, I wasn't as 100% but it wasn't that bad and I would be ready to go in a month.

But when the test results came back and my thyroid levels were not where they should be my dr put me on medicine that would last 4 weeks and I would need to be checked once the medicine was gone to make sure the dosage was right; my flight was scheduled to leave in two weeks.

I choked up as I spoke in front of my church; when my Pastor asked me to tell them why I wanted to go back and how Haiti had captured my heart.

I started to cry as I put together a powerpoint to show at a fundraiser dinner I had and I put off writing a speech till a couple days before. My heart ached as all the sweet little faces popped up one right after the other, their little voices calling my head and I wanted nothing more than to be there with them. I wrote a speech, knowing that I would just cry if I didn't have a something set (though I didn't follow it to the letter) and it would be a good distraction.

I was not happy. I was angry.

Not angry at God, my doctor, family, friends or even complete strangers; though I think they all might have felt that I was and an angry outburst or two probably didn't help with their feelings but I was angry with myself. All the stress,  culture shock, worries and aches bubbled over and were misdirected.

And so I basically ran, ran away from it all to find myself sobbing to a dear friend on a mission campus in Oklahoma City and that's where He found me and I found.... me.

There are 2 things I've done for as long as I can remember:
     #1. Pushed myself through things. Thinking "it's not that bad" and "I can do this!" or the fact that "there are other people worse off than I am and doing way more things than I am"
     #2. Beat myself up when I mess something up no matter how little it is.

One of my best friends taught me a long time ago that there are always 2 perspectives: yours and the other persons and that I should to try and look through both perspectives and then apply to God's word before doing anything rash. Well tried to teach me would be a better description as I usually ended up just kicking myself about it.

I've believed a lot of lies about myself growing up. Not necessarily lies that people fed or told me but ones that I gathered or took the wrong way. And these weighed on me; I thought and saw the best in people but the worst in myself.

But, God has helped me begin to untangle this web, piece by piece through: His word and countless people showing and telling me that taking care of myself is not selfish and is critical when you're working in and for God's Kingdom (which should be wherever you are in life)

I never saw myself as enough or believed that I was enough. I knew what God said, I knew that without Him we aren't enough, I knew I had Him, I knew other people were enough but for some reason I was excluded in my head. I encouraged and built other people up but tore myself down. Have you ever been told to "drink your own medicine" or to "listen to your own advice" or something along those lines? Well; I needed to be told that and God gave me four incredible friends in Haiti, the wonderful mom of my Haiti family and the house mama of the childrens home to tell and show me that I was a precious in God's eyes. Each in their own way sat me down and spoke truth into me and I cannot thank them all enough but I do say a very heartfelt thank you to: My Haiti mamas, good cop, bad cop, captain awesome and my canadian "mother" for everything they have said and done for me.

I'm still a work in progress. I'm still needing healing and rest (and I still feel like a lazy lump) but little by little I'm understanding more and being changed a little more to the beautiful masterpiece that He created me to be.

There was a song that I took to Haiti and I forgot about during the summer. Music has always played a big role in my life through dance, playing instruments and singing. And this song I feel God speaking to me and it is written by one of my favorite singer/songwriters: Andrew Peterson. The chorus is:

You don't have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy

God says this about each and every single one of us. I write this with not only myself in mind but several missionary families and people that I know are breaking their backs and feeling beaten and lost. It's ok to rest in His arms for as long as it takes. 

He loves you.
He delights in you.
He sings over you! 

Yes! Isn't that such a comforting thought?! In the end it's you and Him not everyone you've ever met judging you, but you're loving Savior. If you need to rest then rest and rest easy however hard it may be or seem God wants you to rest and be at the fullest of your abilities. So together lets rest easy in Him though we see the work ahead and yearn to do it; rest because He knows your heart and has seen your work and is not judging or angry with you. This is not a punishment; but a gift.

Home On the Range

What?! You're not in Haiti?! Suprise! Don't worry; I am going back, but here's a little glimpse into the past month stateside.

I left my the "island in the sun" the beginning of September to spend a couple days with my best friend and her husband in Florida. I was not able to attend their wedding in July as english camp was in full swing, but it was wonderful to spend a couple days with them and hear about it and spend time with them. I'm very thankful for them and all the hospitality and love they showed me by: driving 2 hours away to pick me up, giving me their comfy mattress to sleep on, 2 warm blankets (as I was freezing!) delicious food, a day at the beach, laughs and rest. They wouldn't let me do anything and this bothered me because I do like helping and cleaning; especially if I am a guest, but my best friend is also my "twin" and she can be just as stubborn as I can be and so I rested and slept and had a lovely time.

After that I flew to my home on the range; the same night as my brothers surprise birthday party! My dad picked me up from the airport, I ducked down in the car as we pulled into the garage, quickly changed into a party dress and made my way through the back of the house and into the kitchen. My mom had it all worked out and had me sit on a little scooter while she and dad (who were the only ones who knew about my homecoming) placed a huge cardboard box over the top and pushed me into the dining room. Jonathan began tearing off the wrapping paper and as light began to pour into the box I popped out and wrapped my arms around his neck shouting "Happy Birthday!" and kind of falling into him because the scooter slid, but no matter. I found out later he thought he was getting a puppy thus his stunned and interesting facial expression ;)

My brother and I are a little over a year apart. Growing up we weren't always the best of friends as he was the first boy and I was the fifth girl. But, we had some pretty fun times growing up, being the best of friends at times and the biggest enemies at other times, but he is my brother and I love him to pieces no matter what! I was really set back when I realized I wouldn't be there to take his senior pictures or be at his graduation; but that's part of being on the mission field and I was ecstatic that I got to be there for his birthday.

I planned to stay in the States till the beginning of October when preschool would start in Haiti. During this month I'd been giving very strict and loving instructions from my mamas in Haiti to rest and have fun. First part of resting was figuring out how to treat the C-Virus, we talked to our dear friend Dr. Joel Robbins, a natural health specialist in Tulsa who is truly an amazing person,  he has changed countless lives and I could go on and on, but do go to his website and take a look around. He put me on some supplements to start building... well, me back up.

Next was a visit to our family Dr. to get some blood work done... my favorite. This is a long story, and I will be writing another blog post on this visit, but the short of it is that my doctor was worried about a month in the States not being enough. She knew how much I wanted to get back and so we did the blood work and waited the results. They came back and my thyroid was not looking good. My doctor put me on medicine and said that she would have to see me in 4 weeks to check the dosage.... goodbye going to my Haiti home the first week of October.

I was crushed by this and when I found out that the government had decided to start school in September after all and I was missing the beginning of school I was not a happy camper... not one bit. But through different things, which I will write about in another post, God gave me peace about staying another month and so I changed my flight to the 28th of October.

During my time here I've been blessed to spend time with family (everyones so grown up) see friends, tell my stories about Haiti, photograph some families and seniors, rest, laugh and meet some new friends. I thank you all for your support it's been really amazing to see the people that have come through for me and supported me though they are going through some hard times.

God has blessed me SO much and I can't say thank you enough! I will be here till the 28th for those of you that I've not been able to connect with yet, message or call me and we'll try to work something out.

May God richly bless you all!

Beauty

"Haiti really is beautiful"

This thought crossed my mind as I sat on the balcony of the children's home in village Theodat, I watched the warm breeze play with the long palm branches and make my mouth water as it brought the delicious aroma of freshly baked bread from the bakery.

Yes, there are some not so pretty and even revolting things that can be found and seen in the streets or behind closed doors but, if you turn your focus upward; instead of seeing piles of garbage along the streets and dirty, grimy water flowing in the rivers and down the gutters of some streets; you'll see the beautiful and colorful vines of the bougainvillea flower, blossoming away, their vines reaching out as if to lift your chin up. Showing you beautiful people laughing, bargaining and chatting away, little girls their hair decked out in ribbons and clips all to happy to wave hello and smile back at you. Little boys who've set up goals and play soccer wherever they can, delicious fruit that will tickle your taste buds and a Caribbean blue ocean that surrounds this beautiful island, sending curling white waves into the shore to wash away what it can.

Beauty is everywhere if we would only look for it. The master of lies likes to slip into out heads and fill out minds; disgust rolls in as a sticky smell rises from the garbage sweating in the sun, dark clouds of anger roll in as questions race and smash into the walls of your brain. But, then the clouds burst as the rain slips down your cheeks when you see a tiny child digging through it to find...something; whether it's something to: eat, wear or sell you don't know but you're anger is replaced with a prayer on your lips and passion burning in your heart. Dwelling on rotten and disgusting things is not healthy. I do mean that in a literal and none literal sense.

Dwelling on a mistake, reopening old wounds, holding grudges, seeing the rust and mold, pushing people down destroys not only you but the people around you. I'm not a perfect person but God has taught me so much since I rededicated my life to Him my sophomore year. Two years ago I would have seen the garbage on the streets and whined to myself "People are so lazy, why don't they just throw it where it belongs?! Is it really that hard?!" I would have watched that car speed by me or cut me off and yell "What the heck buddy?! Gah, some people! Really?!" or seen someone on the street and immediately "know" everything about them from their appearance and manners and judge them.

I'm not proud of this fact.

I honestly don't want to share this; but God's been pressing on my heart about this and though I find myself erasing things God writes them write back down, so here this is. Unedited.

God showed me my ugliness, that as I thought these horrible and rotten things I was becoming as rotten as my thoughts. A wonderful women in my life was praying for me and she encouraged me to be praying all the time and looking for God in everything.

And so the next time that car sped by me I began to think about the person driving in the car as an actual person and I heard this voice telling me "You don't know them, you don't know their story or where they're headed." and all these thoughts of where that person could be heading (hospital to see someone for the last time, late to the job they so desperately needed to keep their family going) and my heart began to ache for them and I found myself praying this prayer:

"Father God, I don't know that person or where they're headed but God I pray you would bless them, that they would get to wherever they are going safe and God if they don't know You I pray that you would draw them close to You and they would come to a saving knowledge of You and be a huge asset to You're kingdom and Father if they do know you help them to shine You're light in everything they do. In You're name amen"

And almost instantly my anger or frustration evaporated and a peace and love washed over me. This became my daily routine as I drove to work and this happened frequently, I actually looked forward to it! And then God started convicting me of judging people and pushed me to talk to them and find out their story and why they were the way they were and to pray for them as well and wow.... I wish I could travel the whole world and meet every single person and write their stories down and capture a picture of them, a beautiful none posed real picture of them and put it in a book so everyone could knew and see how beautiful our stories are. God has such an imagination and is just incredible... it blows my mind!

All this to say, focus on the good. When words of anger or frustration try to make their way out exchange them for His words. Instead of looking/noticing the bad watch for the good. I still fall into bad habits and God lovingly steers me back. I want to just share His work in myself and the lessons He has taught me. Though I'm still learning. I want everyone to see the beauty He has created in the world and in each of us and it's hard to do that when the stench of garbage waters your eyes and blurs your vision or when you're gaze has been cast down too many times to even try and look up.

Haiti is sometimes called "the crotch of the world" but I prefer to think of it as "God's clay island" because I know He is shaping it, into something beautiful and it will be put through the kiln again and again until it's colors burn bright and His love and handiwork are perfect. This is the Haiti I know; this is the world I know! Constantly being molded and fired over and over. God's kingdom is here, right now, in absolutely everything we do! 

Don't give up hope; the trash may be waste deep but the flowers touch the sky so keep your eyes on the beauty He created for you and continue learning, working and praying as change happens one prayer, one act and one person at a time.

Mind Like a Shutter Eyes Like a Lens

I'm a photographer; I've been playing with my parents' camera for as long as I can remember though I didn't always have permission and the pictures were not the highest quality. I've always loved capturing moments that I can go back to at any given moment and remember and laugh or cry. I remember fighting with my siblings for the camera whenever we went on trips or had a big event; I wanted so badly to remember things a certain way - for people to see my perspective and my story. But as I've grown, I've found that I like telling other people's stories through photography more than my own. I want to capture the moments that no one else sees, I want to capture moments where I know God is smiling down on His children and they are unaware of this fact because they can't see for themselves the beauty of their own hands, feet and mouth.

It's easy to forget that God uses the tiniest things for His glory and that everything we do, for Him, is a part of building His kingdom here on earth. God everywhere and in everything though sometimes we forget it doesn't change the fact that He is still there and sees the tiniest acts of love in His name.

I understand when people ask me to take a picture of them doing something or with someone but I'd much rather catch that moment where that volunteer is tying that pair of tennis shoes that just won't seem to stay tied. That moment at the end of the day when though a nap is all they desire, they chase a child around the yard just to hear the sound of their laughter. I want to capture that tickle fight or the excitement when a child walks through the gate and sees their beloved teacher or helper. When though it's painful for both involved, a wound is cleaned to prevent infection.

To capture the love in a healing touch, the warmth of a hug, the joy of a friend, wonder of something new, laughter in hard circumstances, peace in chaos, strength in weakness, self-control during a storm, a small act of kindness with a large result, finding the good amongst the bad, the faithful one that is content with working behind the scenes, a gentle reminder to a struggling child and happiness in the smallest things. That is what I want to capture.

One of my favorite quotes is: "Beautiful things don't ask for attention" - Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Why am I writing all of this? Well, while photography is one of my passions, it enables me to show Gods power to others, to show His love gleaming in the little moments here in Haiti with just a snap of a shutter. But in order to send these pictures to you, I have to have a laptop. I left for Haiti in January with a laptop that wasn't in mint condition but I expected to get many years out of it. Unfortunately, there was an accident at the beginning of the summer and my laptop was damaged but by the grace of God, I was able to use it for the rest of the summer and share pictures and updates with all of you from it. But sadly, my computer has finally died & so I am without a laptop and therefore without a means to share.

I have set up a GoFundMe site for a new laptop. It seems like such a silly thing to ask for but I feel led to write this and to watch and see what God has in store. To donate visit: http://www.gofundme.com/amacforher

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and for prayerfully consider donating. $1,000 seems like a huge amount, but that doesn't stop God and I always find it easier when things are broken down: If 50 people give $20 we've met our goal!!!

Thank you again and I hope to be sharing photos with you again very soon!

P.S if you're new to my blog or my photography you can check out my photos here: H.e.r Photography